The Life line of Breath

This morning (or yesterday morning by the time I post this), as I awoke around 4 in the morning with the usual thought boxes beginning to cycle in front of my perception, instead of fighting them, I went into a very determined form of breathing. As I was counting 4 heartbeat-counts in, hold for 4 counts, exhale for 4 counts, hold 4 heartbeats and so on, I noticed something different.

Strangely enough, I noticed that I was actually doing it, breathing steadily without going into any of the thoughts that I could see (as a knowing) were there ready and waiting for me to be accepted. However, I just kept on breathing, playing with my breath. As it turns out, in the mornings, I seem to prefer longer breaths, like 6-8 seconds rather than the usual four. I guess this is because I have large lungs and am able to breathe slower when rested. Eventually I fell asleep again and when I awoke, I strangely enough found myself still breathing that way, yet with a memory of a dream I had just had.

In the dream, I was with two brothers at a home that I didn’t really recognize while the two of them were talking about a particular kind of watch one of them had acquired  and was suggesting that the others do the same. As they talked about that particular time piece (that showed up in my perception as a pocket watch),  I went for a walk to explore a structure a nearby building. Once inside, I found myself somewhat stuck balancing myself precariously on some weak, rotting pieces of wood in order to avoid falling into a deep dark abyss below.    Although I wasn’t scared, I knew that I was stuck and it was just a matter of time before I fell into the abyss.

Suddenly, I saw one of my brothers coming through the door.  He saw my predicament and immediately went back to get something something from my other brother. When he returned, I saw that he had very strong synthetic line, which he threw to me. As I was getting ready to use that life line to climb up, I woke up still breathing the 4-6 count breath. So I decided to get out of bed and do some writing.

Although, I don’t focus on or even attempt to recall most of my dreams, I find some of them are notable for the insight (I guess I could say) that they provide, especially the ones with easily identifiable symbols relating my physical reality. In this latest dream, the watch clearly symbolizes time - as in the clock is ticking. It’s like a part of me pointing to the wristwatch as if to say we gotta get moving.

Add to this the image of myself balanced or hanging precariously over a pit of dark abyss, holding on to old roots coming out of the side of the wall and the message becomes even more clear: with the clock ticking away, there is no more time to go exploring down every little corridor or conspiracy that pops up. On a side note, I’m starting to wonder if these conspiracy theories aren’t specifically tailored to myself and others specifically for the purpose of enticing us into the never ending mazes of abyss.

In looking at the  lifeline that was thrown to me just before I awoke still breathing the 4-6 count breaths, I woke up thankful for the message and I recommitted to better utilize the time that I have to focus on my personal process. And then when I went downstairs to make coffee and write this out.

Ahh! I just recalled where all this point recently arose. Yesterday as I was driving back home from my apartment near school, I was listening to an Atlantean being speaking about breathing. As she was explaining how even though everything in this existence, without exception, breaths as part of the design of this existence, it also retains a quantum point of absolute oneness and equality at the point between the in-breath and the out-breath (a quantum moment of the here of the completeness of pure life so to speak), I decided to see if I could identify that quantum moment, tap into it, hold onto it and expand upon it. The problem with holding onto that moment is that I’m only able to hold my breath for so long.


Therefore, instead of attempting to hold onto ever longer moments of being here, I decided to expand this point by aiming for “more” of these moments by focusing more on my breathing? Yea, I realize that I’ve attempted this many times throughout the last ten or so years. However, they always ended up being sporadic attempts that would eventually be interrupted and overwhelmed the overwhelmingness of my mind.

What’s different this time? I am of course. As I often say, life never climbing that gigantic mountain; rather it’s always only ever about deciding upon the next best step to take and then taking it.

Redefining Honor and Respect

I’m still working on redefining the words honor, respect and integrity. They seem to all be connected; for every time I modify the definition of one, I find myself having to modify the others. Recently, I utilized several hours working with these words, playing with them, almost like experimenting with the contents of an equation in search of creating balance or equilibrium. It’s like I’m looking for the perfect formula or combinations of words to ensure that my sentences will (for lack of a better phrase) stand the test of time - rather than further sentencing me to it. I do have better phrases with words such as equality, oneness and what is best for all, which I enjoy using because they’re balanced eternally in one direction. However, without actually grounding the definitions with practical examples of ways that I’m able to apply these words (without having to think about it as I’m moving moment to moment), I’ve found it to be more difficult to  use them when attempting to overwrite or override the old programming. Thus, I’m including them in this post in order to (I guess you could say) mark this point as the point in my process wherein I’ve actually come to realize the importance of including practical examples with the words that I redefine - in addition to the practical examples I include in my commitment statements. Still a work in progress, this is what I have so far for the words honor and respect:

Honorable:

●      The ability of each one of us (as unique location-points or awarenesses of the whole) to stand as a point of respect for all life (in all forms) as best we are able by standing as we would care to have all stand in relation to our unique location points. For example:

●      At work: instead of looking out for threats and assessing risks and opportunities in relation to others, I am able to live the word honor by bringing all respective points of perception back to myself for self-introspection and self-correction, firstly by identifying and letting go of all judgment (brushing it aside and dropping it from myself) to then expand my awareness of others within my environment by including the image of myself (as though I were looking through their eyes at myself talking to them) to then determine how best I am able to live honorably by relating to them as I would relate if I  really were standing with them in their shoes.

●      In going shopping and getting things done outside: as I am moving through reality, passing by and/or interacting with people, animals and even inanimate objects (of different location points of awareness), instead of accepting and allowing myself to stand individually as a point of perceived separation projecting my self-definitions onto them, I am able to live the word honor by bringing all respective points of perception back to myself for self-introspection and self-correction by identifying and letting go of all judgments to then expand my awareness or consideration to various points of my environment as best I am able by including  the image of myself standing equally as one with my perceptions of them as points of my environment (as though I am also standing equally as one with them - in their shoes) to essentially facilitate the process of deciding how best to stand as the word honor by honoring all points of life as though I would honor myself.

Respect:

●      The process of self-honestly bringing all points of perception back to myself (from the within to the without) to reinspect myself (as a point of self-respect) by checking for  definitions that do not support me to stand as best I am able in relation to all, from which point I am then able to let go of such definitions and live (redefined) words in support of all by standing in relation to all as I would have all stand in relation to me. For example:

What’s new here for me is the way I’m now experimenting essentially with standing in the shoes of another. For example, whereas in the past, I would simply imagine how I was best able to stand in relation to other people based on my judgments of their situations, I’m now experimenting with projecting my self-image onto them (or at least some of the ones that I focus on) to include the image of myself within and as my perception of them to in a sense imagine myself standing equally as one with them in their shoes.

Removing the Armor from my definition of Honor

For quite some time now, I’ve been investigating my relation to the words criticism and accuse. In looking back at my memories of instances  when I felt I was being blamed, criticized, accused or singled out in ways that I thought might negatively impact  other people’s perceptions of me, I noticed in such cases that I would almost always feel as though I were being threatened or attacked.

To dare to even question me in relation to a misdeed or insinuate that I was the perpetrator or complicit in it was a big deal for me. Anything that I felt “made me” less than how I identified myself and wanted others to identify me as, left me with no choice (or so I thought) but to defend myself in any way I could, which for me, usually meant counterattacking. Although as a very young child, I didn’t yet have the vocabulary to name this word, I now see that even back then, it was always about honor for me. I hated having my honor questioned, but the worst thing, as I recall was when someone called me an idiot or said I was stupid. Honor, as I perceived it was all I had, it was how I identified myself, it was something I had to protect, it was something worth dying for and as I recall, it was the way I imagined myself dying - with honor in front of a firing squad to be precise.

One time in returning home from high school for summer break from the military boarding school, the one place I seemed to naturally excel at, my best friend told me that one of my neighbors had accused me of hammering holes in his rowboat. Even though I knew I hadn’t done it and that there wouldn’t be anyone coming for me, there was no way I was going to leave such an accusation uncontested and un retracted while I was still breathing. Determined to have this man retract his accusation, I went with my friend to speak to him face to face. To my chagrin and my surprise, he looked me in the eyes and said, “I know it was you because I saw you running away that night.” Even though I knew he was wrong, I also knew he wasn’t lying (about what he thought he saw) and therefore instead of begrudging him or feeling threatened by him, I respected him for his honorable stand. But that didn’t change the fact that I still had to clear my name as a matter of honor. So I charged that point predominantly in the right side of my conscious mind with instructions to reopen and investigate this point every time I returned to that town and never let it go until I cleared my name.

 Sometimes, I bemoan my lack of conscious access to memories of past lives, but deep down inside I’m grateful not to have that weight to bear. Yet even without the memories of the past, the “who I am” undercurrents of the present tell the story of how we’ve been and still are, forever cursing us to exist as the past until each one of us stop and change who we are in the present, as the present opportunity to no longer exist as the past and finally begin anew.

Although it took a few years, I finally did track down the culprit who had hammered holes in the neighbor’s boat. I returned to the neighbor’s son this time (I guess because the father was sick or had died) with a name and the name of a supporting witness to clear my name. Nevertheless, I still couldn’t get a retraction, not even an apology for accusing me; and this point, the end of the cycle in the design of the “Who am I” undercurrent, as the polarized word, accused within and as a mind consciousness system  only served to reinforce the definition of myself as that polarized word.

Another word that I used to react to in the same way, as though I were being threatened and/or attacked is the word, criticized. For example, any time someone questioned me about the work I did or a decision I made (especially in the work environment), I would react internally as though my job and livelihood were being threatened. Of course I had become good over the years at overriding my internal reactions to relax my facial muscles, moderate my words as well as the tonality of my words, but underneath the poker face, I used to really feel threatened, even for little things such as comments or simple questions about my handling of something.

So, after investigating these words (accused, accusation, criticism and criticized) for quite some time now, writing out prominent memories, doing mind constructs based on those memories, writing self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, redefining criticism (to a non-polarized supportive definition, essentially a living word), I finally noticed or pinpointed the root or even the seed called honor.

Honestly, I would like to close this out right now with a clear, concise and happy ending; however, as I just recently realized where this has all been stemming from, I think it’s probably best for me finish walking these words while also focusing on the word, honor.

It's a work in progress, as I am, as I guess we all are; so here are some examples of the self-forgiveness that I’m writing (in relation to the words accused and criticized) with the added intention of changing myself as the word, honor - which I now realize I definitely require to redefine.

Polarized word: accused

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word accused within and as a fear of being dishonored or disarmed and left vulnerable to attack (as a result of being accused) rather than as a point of opportunity to see/hear the perspectives of others and check my standing by considering their perspectives and why I would be the target of their blame, herein practicing physical stability and self-introspection by standing unconditionally, without armor, humbly in the face of blame, accusations and/or praise to see/hear the perspectives of others in order to consider them as well as myself so as to determine how best to stand in relation to them/all.

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define accusations or blame targeted at me as though they were attacks against me (capable of diminishing my standing, who I am and the identity I project) rather than the perspectives of others for me to unconditionally consider in order to determine how to better stand in relation to everyone.

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who/how I am as an identity based on and created by the words of others used in relation to me as I perceived them to mean, rather than the sum total of the words that I have defined or redefined and lived into and as a sound standing. Herein, I now see that who/how I am is simply the accumulation of words that I lived.

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being accused and/or blamed, as an assault against me intended to disarm me (for the purpose of defeating me) rather than a sharing of perspectives by another/others of their standing in view of me for me to see, hear and consider in order to determine how best to stand in relation to them.

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and charge the word accused from a starting point of fear within and as the image of me being made defenseless or vulnerable (without my armor of honor) by the accusations of another/others, rather than simply a display or an announcement of the perspectives of others in relation to me offering me an opportunity to see/hear unconditionally their perspectives for the purpose of checking to see if I am standing as best I am able and then making corrections as necessary.

Desire: not to be accused, to have and maintain an honorable reputation

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being singled out and/or accused for the dishonorable secretive points/nature within and as myself, thereby protecting and maintaining my the dishonorable definitions within and as myself by keeping them hidden rather than facing them and changing them as myself by using the blame and/or accusations of others to assist me to identify (via my reactions) my weaknesses (that which I keep secret) so as to change myself as those points - from that which hide behind the armor of my honor to that which stand as and is displayed honestly for all to see.

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be perceived as being honorable and justified for harming or attempting to harm others in retribution for the fear that I experienced and blamed others for rather than take complete responsibility for myself and everything else by letting down my armor of honor, exposing my fears humbly as weak points that I am now in the process of redefining to live in support of myself and all.

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself always to take complete responsibility for myself by letting go of all desire to be without fear and replacing it with physical standing/living of self-trust that I create within and as myself each moment that I physically move myself as breath (instead of mind/energy) from the within to the without as the starting point intention to unconditionally see/hear, consider and stand in relation to others as I would have all stand in relation to me.

Investigating Undercurrents and Imprints

Earlier this week while driving back from Costco, I wanted to make a left turn into a store, but as traffic going the other way was backed up at the red light behind me, there wasn’t enough space for me to go through. In looking at my thoughts in relation the blue truck to my left and slightly behind me blocking my left turn, I thought to myself, “all he has to do is simply move a little bit forward, but he doesn’t even notice me because he’s only focused on what’s in front of him - a common trait as a result of the limited awareness of so many drivers these days.

Sometimes  while I’m moving myself through this reality, noting and attempting to include in my considerations of what’s all around me, everywhere, it seems to me that so many are simply unaware or less aware of their surroundings than they ought to be. I realize that this is a judgment, because in reality I only see from my perspective and not theirs. Thus, as part of my personal process I’ve been letting go of the energies associated with such definitions, yet the definitions as judgments are still there - why? Perhaps it’s because a part of me still seeks to understand or at least categorize the reasoning behind the movements of others. But how could I possibly understand their movements without first understanding mine? Which brings me to the next part of my story.

As soon as the traffic light behind me turned green and the truck began moving a little forward, I began turning left into the space between the truck and a car that had also been partially blocking my way. But there still wasn’t enough space to turn, so there I sat for another couple of seconds. Then, as soon as the truck behind me started moving forward, instead of letting me pass through the lane, the driver in the car in front of and to the left of me fast forwarded as though he hadn’t even seen me in front of him already blocking his way while attempting to turn left. Thankfully, just before hitting me he stopped, but once again my way was blocked. Remaining stable (or so I thought), I motioned to him to move back just a little, but he just sat there and stared as though he hadn’t a clue what was going on or what to do. Thinking to myself the equivalent of “two can play this game”, I sat there for a few moments, too. Then as I again motioned for him to move back so that I could get through, a part of me noticed a movement in him which I defined somewhere deep within me as antagonizing or threatening. And just like that, my physical body suddenly switched into another mode (of a word that choose not to post) and…

It’s a strange trait that I seem to have come equipped with. When in danger, perceived and/or defined as threatening or something like that, I’ve noticed that time seems to slow down and a part of me, perhaps my beingness seems to move higher up in my body and slightly back, giving me more of a bird’s eye view of the situation while another part of me, perhaps my physical body seems to tap into resources and/or skills that I don’t seem to be consciously aware of. In such moments, usually seconds or less, I would see myself deciding upon my course of action, usually designed to minimize or eliminate the threat (while at the same time carrying out that course of action). And the only thing that would be crystal clear in such moments was how I was going to successfully deal with the threat.

So in getting back to my story: in that moment, in a fraction of a second, as soon as a part of me had  picked up on something that I had defined somewhere within me as aggressive or threatening, my physical body began shifting into that mode, undoing my seatbelt and moving to get out of the car to… At which point (all within one or two seconds), I stopped, stepped back in as the director or directive principle and breathed - as per my written commitments that I’ve also been physically practicing for quite some time.  As an analogy or metaphor in relation to what my physical body seems to do, it would be like having my trusted horse as my companion and best friend suddenly decide that it was time to  charge unconditionally forward into battle, and me having to pull back on the reigns and reassure it that everything was OK, not battle time. 

Eventually I did make my turn and all was well except for the lingering question within me as to why my physical body was still sometimes moving according to old patterns, programs or definitions that I’ve dealt with consciously to a large extent at various levels. I think it has to do with undercurrents and physical programming in relation to situations and/or my situational awareness. For example, in this latest case, even though I wasn’t consciously thinking “threat or confrontation”, my physical memories of past situations were still to an extent defining my physical movements as reactions or responses. Therefore, I am now in the process of focusing on and identifying those tiny little points that I often physically notice, but still don’t seem to be very consciously aware - as the directive principle.

And what’s funny here but not surprising in the least is that this point of being unaware (that I was projecting onto others in the beginning of this post, which is why I begrudgingly actually wrote it out) has now come right back to its creator,  which is of course the only place or starting-point from which I am able to respond to, address and correct these problematic patterns or programs at hand. In short, this is why I required writing out this point. Maybe this also has to do with the imprints and resonant mind.

Doing what I Care to do - Rather than what I think I Should Want to Do

I have noticed myself over the last year or so looking at the prospect of doing something, thinking that I ought to do it because I seem to like to do that kind of stuff, but then self-honestly thinking that it’s not really what I want to do and from that point, deciding not to do it. Mostly I notice this point come up in relation to patterns patterns involving certain relationships. For example, it seems that I always used to enjoy going into the countryside, hanging out with my friends and drinking beer. However, nowadays when I look at this point, it’s like there’s a feeling that says I ought to go visit my friend or friends, but there’s also me right here that looks honestly at the point and says no, that’s not what I want to do and I’m not doing what I don’t really want to do anymore just because I think that’s what should be wanting to do. It’s funny because, if I pull up the picture associated with me in the countryside drinking beer with my friend or friends, the definition attached to it is, “that’s fun.” But then when I expand that picture/moment from that present point going further into the past and future, I see that it’s not really as fun as I had defined it.

Strangely enough, I’ve also asked myself if I was being selfish for no longer being willing to put the sharing myself with others ahead of what I really want to do, which, during my free time is often just to be by myself or when possible, to stay at home with my partner. The reason I find this kind of behavior (for me) somewhat strange is because, for most of my life it seems that all I wanted to do was to move from wherever I was in order to go do something else or the same thing just as long as I kept moving. This may sound strange, but I don’t see this anymore as being selfish. It’s more like giving more of me to myself - if that makes any sense.

I’m fairly certain that this has a lot to do with my personal process, walking with Desteni, applying the tools of self-change and actually changing myself - definitely for the better I would say. The thing is, I also don’t feel as though I’ve had to give up anything at all (as I used to think I would) and in doing what I self-honestly choose to do, I’m actually having a lot more fun than I used to. For example, in practically living the words care and consideration in relation to those in my work environment (which I’ve focused a lot on over the last several years), I’ve expanded my self-expression in that area while also tapping into a  source of enjoyment that I hadn’t realized was available. I’ve found out or realized that I actually enjoy taking time to consider people, especially when it comes to what students are saying to me or asking of me. Additionally, by expanding my expression in this area, I think that I’ve also ended up fulfilling myself (with that expression) in such a way so as to no longer feel the need to search for it in another area.

Process Update: Jan 1, 2019

2018 was a year of applying corrections, walking my commitments, taking notice of where I was actually changing and where I still required more self-direction or more self determination. Overall, considering the added responsibilities or challenges with work, essentially just a different and busier schedule, I would say that I’m satisfied with my application. Yea, that’s the right word, satisfied. Because I sat quite a bit and did a lot more observing than participating. I guess I would say that 2018 was a year of walking cautiously for me. I focused lot on noticing energies, stopping and checking to see where I was living changes and where I was still falling back into the same old patterns.

The area in which I’d say I made the most progress is interestingly related to my work and working relationships. When I look at this point, almost as a picture of an overall aspect of me in relation to others, I see that, while I reduced my participation in some old types of relationships (going out to the countryside, sitting around drinking beer), I increased the focus or attention that I give to students as well as the effort I put into maintaining working relationships. Little things like applying and living the word, patience when at the end of class (when I want to go home), a bunch of students suddenly have a lot of questions for me. Instead of telling them to ask remind me next time, I would say the word patience to myself and let go of my hurry to be somewhere else. Change can be like giving and receiving,  wherein sometimes the giving is actually a giving-up of the old in order to make room for the new.

Where I’ve noticed that I still occasionally slipping is in letting little parts or bits of energetic definitions accumulate and amass over time to form like a glob of goo inside of me that (once it’s big enough) tends to latch onto any point, almost as though it’s looking for a way out via an emotional outburst wherever it can get out. It’s weird because in the course of a few days, I’ll be noticing emotions come up attached to points that I don’t consider to be very relevant. Then when looking at the accumulated energy ball, I would notice that it was a conglomeration of different points that I hadn’t addressed in the moments, but let slide. Reminder to myself! They don’t go away, but bide their time acquiring allies until big enough to make a push for the exit. So the little experiences is something that I’ve noticed I still have to watch for. As they say, the devil’s in the details. Instead of letting the little things slide, I require to be attentive to such points and direct them accordingly in real time moments.

Another point wherein I’ve noticed that I still require attention is in the area of backchat, gossiping or complaining. Although I have made tremendous progress in this area both internally and externally, I still catch myself back chatting and occasionally complaining. A though just came up, “but it’s so damn fun to complain.” Yea, like blaming, complaining, gossipping and so on, while it may seem fun at the time, the consequences associated with it are as equally not fun. For example several weeks ago,  when discussing a subject with someone, I ended up complaining about another person and as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I new it was too late. On the corrective side of that event, I did use my very next interaction with the person that I had complained about to apologize. So, having recognized my mistake and corrected it, I also remembered to pat myself on the back for pushing myself face my mistake honestly and deal with it.

Finally for this post, I feel as though I should say something about my view of reality. In addition to feeling as though a big part of me is still in stealth mode, like I’m here but I’m not fully understanding what I am or even where here is, I also feel similarly that there’s still a veil upon this reality - albeit one that’s lifting quickly. In spending an average of 3-5 hours per day scanning, reading and watching information via the internet, I feel more and more as though we’re like one of those planets depicted in Star Trek movies, wherein  the planet’s population toils away while invisible starships blaze around adhering to the prime directive of non-interference. And I want to say, isn’t it a little late for that?

Continuing with the Word, Criticism

A while back I wrote about feeling as though I were being criticized for not doing enough. Specifically, I noticed that I had reacted to the point of criticism as though it were a personal attack against me or a threat to my survival. I’m still working on this point, exposing the design of the energies that have lead up to me becoming defensive when it comes to criticism. When I look back at this point of feeling threatened or attacked when facing points such as criticism, I’m able to bring up memories going back to adolescence years. However, the further back I attempt to look, more the lines between my memory of what really happened and my imagination of it begin to blur.

What’s the difference between my memory and my imagination? Perceptions and how they’re defined; six in one hand, half a dozen in the other, as my younger brother used to say. That might be a fun point to analyze, but in the end - as I see it, my memories have been tainted with energetic definitions or polarized words that have ended up defining how I became. This has been and still is the problem. So I guess the solution to changing who I am now is to locate all of the polarized definitions of words and redefine them into non-polarized definitions or living words.

In getting back to the point of criticism, it’s a point that I had  linked with the word, survival and energetically defined as threatening. Which means that in the past, whenever this word came up, I would end up feeling as though I were being threatened, as though someone were attacking me. In working with this point, opening it up and watching for it, I recently noticed myself thinking about someone exactly the way I had imagined someone was thinking about me. This confirmed to me the mirror effect of judgments projected onto others, i.e., that our judgments (of what we perceive to be of others) are actually our own self-judgments reflecting back to us through others as the mirrors of ourselves. All eyes are but mirrors of ourselves, meaning that I am of everyone else, as is everyone of everyone else the same as me, but in different locations or awarenesses that each one of us define as unique.

Equality and oneness is easy to imagine, but not so easy to understand or live, especially when attempting to do so while peering through the many frequencies by which we’ve each defined ourselves uniquely.  Therefore, what I require to do is redefine all of my polarized (energetic) definitions of words to words that I’m able to live in ways that are best for all. Here I’m reminded of the saying, don’t think of it as having to cross that gigantic mountain, but as requiring merely that I take the next step.

Of the Questions I Ask

Of the questions I ask, none have eluded me (as answers) more than the question of change. What is real change, what am I really to be and become that I am not now nor have ever been that is really, really real self change? It’s the ultimate question within and as the purpose of  the personal process self-creation.

And just like that, for a moment, I once again find myself floating somewhere out there philosophising about the nature of process and, the quest for change as a question to ask and be answered by someone out there instead of grounding myself right here, becoming question, making the decision and manifesting myself as the answer to the question of my own process of self creation. So, did I answer my question? In applying the tools of self-creation, grounding myself in writing, self-forgiveness and commitments, for that moment, I guess I did.

However, when it comes to the question of what is real change on a personal level and how exactly should each one of us be changing, no one else but each one of us for ourselves is  able to correctly say that this is how you should be and this is what you must do to become that way. In some ways this  has been difficult for me to comprehend or accept. For a long time, I just wanted someone else to define for me my mission that I required to accomplish so that I would  have an idea or an image of what I needed to accomplish and how I should be and become. Alas, this isn’t the way of self-change or self-creation, For the process of self-change as a matter of self-creation (for it to be of self) must actually originate from self. With this in mind as well as body, I ask myself, how do I honestly want to be an become, i.e., what image do I have of myself in the future? WRONG QUESTION AGAIN!

Imagining how I want to be in the future is a mind consciousness system distraction trap of imagining how the future could be without actually doing what it takes to create or manifest that future right here and now in the present, the only time/space/moment opportunity each one of us will ever have to change ourselves and create (new) realities. Thus it is for me push myself to remain focused here and now on the present, that which I require do to change myself now to solidify and become that change forever more in the present moments to come.

Why has no one ever been able to provide me with a specific definition or the design of self change as a matter of self creation? Because no one is able to define for another what self change really is. Because for it to be of self, the change must really originate from self. Furthermore (and this is the scary or exciting part), because for the change to manifest as a matter of real self-creation, that which is manifested must also be that which is new, never having been of one’s location point or awareness before = the new as a matter of real self-creation.  Hence the necessity of self-will to push one’s self into the darkness, embracing it with the knowingness that as creators of our realities and existence as a whole, each one of us alone together create in each moment what is, will be and become.

In a sense, it seems like a risk and in the past I guess it was, due to our intentions being quite broad and almost undefined - there must be something more, now go out there and find it. Now, having found the more in the form of more suffering, more misery and greater inequality, it is clear that the more was actually an ever increasing number of the diminishing returns as a fraction of the whole/one. Funny, I keep wanting to explain to people that the largest number is actually One, but now I’m philosophising again, thinking how best to prove my hypothesis, so I’ll end this here with a recap.

In my view, aside providing the tools of how to change, no one is able to accurately tell me or you precisely how we should change to create ourselves anew. For, each point of creation (for it to be real self-creation) is unable to even be imagined, for at that particular location, each one’s point of awareness, the point of creation has yet to be manifested into existence. Thus it is, the importance of self-experimentation to see what works and what doesn’t, keeping the good while letting of the bad.

Responsibility in Saying No

In walking the Desteni process, a personal process of changing myself, targeting that change in the direction of what is best for all, but perhaps not always as precisely as it could be, knowing that, while pushing myself to at least move in the correct direction), kind of like a child reluctantly doing what I know I will eventually have to do anyway, I have throughout the years noticed pieces of recurring patterns resurfacing within me even after focusing on such patterns for several months and even a year. It is as though parts of me as existence are showing me that I am still carrying around self-definitions that I’ve yet to completely redefine into living expressions that will indeed stand the test of time.

The words I define such experiences are usually fall into a category within authority, resistance, obedience, disobedience, freedom and responsibility. Strange, because in leadership training manuals which I used to essentially memorize in high school,  the point that I made sure to remember is that responsibility and authority go hand in hand - at least as far as far as military leadership is concerned. In other words, in order to give or take actual responsibility, the authority to carry out the task must be equally aligned with the responsibility for carrying it out. Fast forward 30-40 years and that which stood out to me then as something that made sense to me, like the saying “an unexamined life is not worth living,” still makes sense to me today. It’s simple as that and so easy to see if you take it to the extreme of a survival situation wherein one live or die, but when you include into the mix a world system of cultural norms, etiquette or accepted practices, navigating freely and easily from point A to B in order to carry out one’s duties can become more of a zigzagging balancing act than a movement in a straight line.

This is what my personal journey to life is all about,- examining myself, the potential that I am able to be and become and taking responsibility (while also giving myself the authority to carry out that responsibility) to live as best I am able.  It’s easy enough for me to write out; however, when it comes to actually living it, I’m still working figuring that out. For example not too long ago, as part of what I do in the world system, I was instructed to carry out certain tasks as part of the volunteer work that I’m required to do. Notice the oxymoron? Yea, just like “representative” democracy, volunteerism now carries connotations of the word “mandatory”. It’s a funny world we live in, how the contradictions are becoming so apparent. And they’re going to become much more blatant throughout the world system - until there’s no more denying or hiding from the hypocrisy - but that’s another story.

Anyway, without going into too much detail, the first time I was instructed to carry out such tasks, I did so, but not without noticing a certain amount frustration beginning to build up within me for being instructed to carry out tasks which would interfere with my  regular responsibilities - which include maintaining my mental and physical wellbeing = not overly burdening myself. Accordingly, as per my self-correction commitments from timelines of previous mind constructs, in order to stop the emotions from building via communicating my stance as in what I will and will not accept and allow, I also communicated my stance with the one giving the instructions, while also fulfilling those instructions.

Nevertheless, as soon as I had completed that one task, instructions to carry out another appeared and that when I remembered, the only one responsible for doing or not doing something is me. Thus, I responded that I wouldn’t place additional responsibilities ahead of my core responsibilities that I had already specifically agreed to do and that these additional responsibilities would have to wait.  However, on the receiving end of that “No” was a want, need or desire for a “yes” that wasn’t ready to accept no for an answer. Eventually my “no” prevailed because as I saw it through detailed examinations of past timelines, I didn’t really have a choice but to say no. In other words, anything less would have led to suppression, fatigue and eventually just walking away.  So instead I communicated my stance, compromised to an extent and stood firm on the bottom line. As a result, the emotions dissipated, I go the task done and I’m now kind of back to a state of normalcy. That being said, there’s still the question of why the emotions came up in the first place, why is it so difficult for me to say no?

Saying no is sometimes quite scary for me even when it’s something I know that I have to do. It’s like, once the “No” as a stop is in place, an uncertainty takes its place in the form of a question, what will come next and will there be repercussions? It can feel like a relationship changer, a stepping up from the ease of unquestioning obedience to that participant in the decision-making process - with me now becoming the determining factor by taking responsibility (while giving also giving myself the authority) in deciding what I will and will accept and allow. There is also a certain amount of risk involved due to the hierarchical nature of the world system. In other words, whereas each one of us is able to and usually actually does a certain level determine ultimately what we will and will not accept and allow, our positions within the world system sometimes demand of us that we obey regardless of how we would prefer to stand. Thus it becomes a balancing act of weighing risks of self-determination with the benefits of self-determination and unfortunately, the best answer is not always so clear. For example, imagine a worst-case scenario, as a soldier you’ve just been ordered to execute someone. If you don’t carry out the order, someone else will and you and your family will be executed as well, what do you do?   As human beings the answers are not always a clear. What we always have though is our ability to take responsibility for our actions and determine who we are in each moment in terms of what we will and will not accept and allow.

Everything is a balancing action that either brings us closer together in harmony or separates us more in disharmony. Rights and wrongs are polarized definitions we use to justify our positions while denying the honesty of our uncertainties. Thus it is not really about what is right or wrong, but who we within and as the decisions we make and carry out in each moment. Moments then accumulate as a matter of self-creation, either by way of consequence or self determination, these are the decisions we make.

I have learned that certainty self determination in consideration of others (even with the external consequential outflows that might accompany it) is far preferable to the certainty of unquestioning obedience and the suppression that accompanies it.

Breathing in the Benefits of Self Trust

I’ve been noticing a strange thing. Sometimes when I’m moving around the house or my apartment, I’ll get to a place that I’m walking to and suddenly not recall what I walked there to do. This isn’t the strange part though, because I’ve actually been doing this occasionally for as long as I can remember. What’s strange or should I say kind of new is that I’ve also begun to notice in such moments, that I have essentially two choices. One is to activate my mind, which always seems to be up in the right side of my head for some reason eagerly waiting for me give it the go ahead, and the other is to simply stop for a moment and breathe. Usually by the second breath, that which I had set out to do will appear as a word, image or a knowing more in the center of my upper body, slightly in front of me. Surprisingly, it takes quite a lot of self trust to do this and although I use the word, “simply” when referring to what is actually a movement of stopping for a moment - lol, it still requires practice and some getting used to. It’s kind of like really wanting to go for a short walk without your smartphone, but also really not wanting to risk being without it.

In noticing this and practicing it, I’ve also begun to realize some interesting aspects and benefits to applying self trust in moments by simply breathing it in, rather than looking to the mind to solve problems. For example,  last Sunday, in hanging out in my apartment, I had got up to get some tape out of a cabinet drawer, but by the time I got to the cabinet, the image of that which I was looking for was no longer up front in my mind. Of course in that moment, I knew that I could simply direct more energy or resources to my mind to go back and retrace my thoughts/steps, but instead I simply took an in breath, breathed out and by the next in-breath, I knew what I was looking for. The thing is that this time the solution or answer was a knowing rather than a return of energetic based images.

What’s the difference? Well, by initiating a search in my mind (essentially asking my body computer to “return” to me my reasoning for walking to the cabinet in the first place, I’m also agreeing to allow my mind consciousness system to resource from my physical body the energy necessary to carry out the processes to fulfill that request. It’s kind of like the difference between leaving lights on in the house or turning them off to save electricity. Although leaving them on for a short time doesn’t seem to cost that much, over time, it adds up.

In the past, I wasn’t so concerned with the amount of energy or physical resources that I was consuming of my body to run my mind. However, as I’ve been getting older (55 this month) and looking into myself more, I’ve also begun noticing the effects that thinking and storing memories has on my body. Little aches and sometimes big pains seem much more prevalent these days. For example, when it comes philosophising or thinking about existence, what is here and who I am in relation to it, I’d say that I’m kind of an expert. Meaning that I used to go for days and days, thinking about and writing out so many pages of theories based on information that I literally pulled out of myself. Yes, I’ve found that if I push or pull hard enough, I’m able to pull up information on just about anything.

The only problem I also found that the process of pulling the information out of me can be quite painful and tiring.  It just now occurs to me that, perhaps the reason it’s often been so tiring for me to pull up information out of me is because I’ve been using my mind as a tool rather than simply trusting myself and then breathing in the benefits. This could turn out to be so much cooler than just remembering that I needed some tape from the drawer. Thus I’m going to experiment some more.

Process, Existence, the Mind and Consciousness

I don’t recall ever viewing our existence as anything other than what we’ve created. Off hand, I would say that the only really big mistake that we made (in the beginning) was to focus on energy instead of the substance of life. However, even in this respect, I guess there were contingency plans. For example, when it comes to the mind or more specifically the emergence of consciousness, I don’t view this as an outflow or occurrence that just happened. Rather, I would say that Consciousness emerged or came about more as an outflow of  the design of existence (before the beginning) as a result of shall we say failsafe mechanisms put in place before we  emerged into and as this existence, before we embarked on the  journey or quest that we’re still currently walking.

Who would have guessed that the search for more should have been directed inwords into and as the darkness of substance rather than outwards into and as the brilliant light of energy? Quite a few I guess; however, as all aspects of life require to be investigated, explored and understood, when, where and how we explored, perhaps wasn’t viewed as important as long as certain safeguards were put into place to ensure that we eventually got back on course - as we’re now doing. Does this mean that I believe in some higher power other than what is here as everything that is here? Absolutely not. Instead, I am completely certain that each and every speck or awareness of existence together, equally as one  (as the aggregate sum total of each awareness) create what is here as well as the course or direction in which we move.

I actually wrote this out yesterday without posting it because I’ve learned to be more careful to recheck my writing to see if it still makes sense to me the next day, especially after the “fun” moments of letting loose a little and writing sentences that might fall into the category of being too out there or of knowledge and information without application.

What I set out to do was place some practical information relating to trusting myself to just stop my participation in thought patterns - especially once I’ve addressed them, applied self-forgiveness and designed a corrective path. Because, after that, all that’s left to really do is to physically carry out the new instructions. However, as my mind is (as I am) so relentless in its pushing of buttons, I still sometimes get fooled for a time and end up falling back into the same mind traps.

Thankfully, as I’m understanding myself more and more thanks to the cooperation of body, being and mind/consciousness, I’m also tending to spend less and less time participating in such traps. The key I guess is to thoroughly examine such points and even without completely understanding when and how I created them, have a plan as to how I’m going to stop my participation in/as them while also overriding such programs with physical living directives to eventually fill in the space so to speak with new directives comprised of physical living programs and/or words to live.

Of the following paragraph, I’ve deleted most of what I had wrote. It had to do mainly with what I’ve learned about our existence, how over the course of existence (this existence), we had changed the ratio of substance to energy to a point beyond that which was sustainable. In other words, in exploring the substance of energy, we ended up diminishing the substance we started out with/as in the beginning of this existence, so much so that we crossed the point or law of diminishing returns (something to google). Thus, we required to reverse course (like reversing the operation that caused the consequence in the first place) to rebalance the ratio of energy to substance in order to re-substantiate our existence with substance to basically continue journeying.

Furthermore, I explained a little of my opinion (which I would prefer to call my perspective - lol) on energy. Specifically, in terms of the human situation, I think we definitely require a better understanding of how to work with substance to at least create energy that flows based on the principle or law of balance, applied based on the principle of giving and receiving. But I guess this is also going to take some time - first things first.

In the following paragraph, I expressed how cool it is to finally be together creating this existence. At least, this is how I feel - sometimes. Of course, for me so much still comes from a point of knowledge and information. However, I consider each point of view (as a description of one’s awareness) to be relevant because as I view it, the sum total of such points are and will continue to be (based on the democracy of creation) what we create as existence. Even if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice… This is also the way I see/view not only my responsibility in relation to my personal process, but also my responsibility to write and post honestly from where I am right now - even if I am still kind of like in a box.

On a another note, which actually ties into everything I have to say and have been saying, as I was writing the word, “mathematics” (in a paragraph that I deleted), I wasn’t sure if I should I use “e” and “a” to connect math and matics. I decided to go with an “e”, the symbol for energy, because in this existence (I guess) that, energy in formations of symbols called information is what defines the substance of life into and as the physical forms which we perceive and maybe exist as. Everything as the design of this existence is able to be defined, designed and created within and as words. In the beginning was the word, the word was... The word was placed as the tool with which to define, design and create within and as the substance of life.  As for creation, it's simply a design or designs of and as life or life forms. Something to ponder or consider.

In the next paragraph, I basically went on to attempt to explain how words as symbols joined together are actually the tools by which we design and create ourselves and existence. For a while, I used to think to myself, why didn’t existence come with a user manual, surely we would have included it in the overall design. Lol, as it turns out the user manual was included in the original design in the beginning as the word. I guess we just didn’t notice it - as it was here ever before we as beings emerged. Have a listen to The Secret History of the Universe series (many times). A huge amount is covered in those recordings.

Finally, after getting that off of my chest, I pushed myself to relate something of my personal process. From my perspective of comparing the nowadays of the present with the days gone by, I would say that I am making progress, especially in terms of spending less time within and as energetic movements of my mind, which I guess may be indicative of an expanding awareness.  Additionally, I no longer criticize or attack my mind for being so disciplined and diligent about asserting itself and even sometimes rebooting. Because after all is said and done, just as the design of the mind was apparently put in to prevent beings from gaining access to substance or the power of substance without understanding how to properly utilize it, so too perhaps was the design of consciousness placed into this existence long ago, before we even emerged, as a sort of a fail-safe plan to activate in the event that certain things didn’t go according to plan.  The story that I have to tell about consciousness goes on and on. The short version of it is (I guess), either we as existence correct the situation here or the Consciousness of existence will handle it for us, which may be so much fun. Accordingly, although this existence may be by design; what’s not by design is how we determine to create ourselves as we journey within and as it.

Which brings me back once again to the point that I started out to write. Even though I’ve been addressing and changing myself from participating in energetic definitions of consciousness to standing and moving more as physical awareness for  longer periods of time, the energies still do pop up every now and then when I least expect them, essentially when I’m not on guard. Thankfully, as I already related, I’m also getting better at stopping them or at least extracting myself from them more quickly, before so much damage has been done. The last time this occurred as I lay in bed imagining with pictures and sounds, I kept noticing the pain in my stomach growing bigger and bigger and I said to myself, I’ve gotta stop this, stop, stop, stop, enough is enough, I’ve dealt with this and I’m ending it right here. And I did just that. Nevertheless though, my mind continued to throw out suggestions or invitations here and there and sometimes even hook me for a moment, but only a moment, because, as I feel the pain and I do not enjoy it, I am also more than ever determined to stop and/or prevent it.

Of the of pain, I suggest that an awareness of physical pain is not something to shy away from, but to embrace and stand as equally as one is able so as to physically feel what the body’s going through and the damage that’s being done by the acceptance and allowance of such thought patterns. Specifically, pain can be very supportive in assisting one to locate the problem area and remain focused on solving it. Thus, I am starting to see more clearly how my body communicates and how we as body, being and mind are able to cooperate in this merging process. The Physical and I is a good place to learn more about the mind body relationship.

So, instead of viewing my mind as a hindrance, I’ve come to appreciate it as a tool or even a dedicated partner that I’m able to utilize in the process of  self-creation. As I see it, the gift of our minds as well as each one’s consciousness (aside its failsafe protocol - lol) is the presentation of the mirror image of (1) who/how we are in terms of what we have accepted and allowed of ourselves as points of energic definition and (2) via the absence of such energetic definitions, the progresses we’re making in determining how we are creating ourselves to be and become.

Finally, finally, I would like to reiterate that, the instruction manual to existence has always been here right in front of us within and as the word. All we’ve gotta do is re-organize ourselves as living words by rewriting our sentences of self imposed  diminishment to that of living words of potential expansion in order to move to re-substantiate ourselves as the substance of life based on equality, oneness and what is best. From this point, we are able to answer the question and fulfill our quest.

The More I Know the More I No

Yesterday I posted a blog and then I deleted that post out of concern for how it post might be interpreted. Afterwards, in listening to an Eqafe interview, Oceans: Acceptance, Decision, and Action, I noticed yet another point, the point of judgment in relation to what I write and whether or not I should post it publicly.

In one sense I would so much like to put everything of my internal energetic movements and realizations out there onto the world wide web for all to see, so that in having everything exposed, I would have nothing left to hide, which would mean no more fear of being exposed, which would mean no going back to the realm of secrecy and the birth tunnel of fear. Alas, I’ve conflicted myself to such a degree that, the more I process myself to a stand of self honestly, the more I begin to see the totality deception of that I once believed was me. Literally, the more I know, the more I no and more I no, the more I know.

I wrote and deleted a couple paragraphs attempting to explain to that statement, the more I know, the more I no and more I no, the more I know, but then deleted them due to the confusion they may have introduced. For me, it’s just a play on words, more secrets hidden in plain sight, which means it was never a secret at all, which is also where everything is heading - to the point of ultimate self-responsibility.

So, I guess there’s really no support in being too hard on myself or self judgmental. After all, this process from consciousness to awareness is indeed a process of letting go of everything that I had defined myself as, to a point of nothingness to see, realize and understand that, as I’ve always been the one doing the defining, I’m the only one responsible for getting myself to where I’ve been and where I’m going. Which is to say that, as life, I am but a potential of life. I guess or perhaps this is just another one of my self-definitions. Eventually, I’ll see the truth of me, even if it means walking down all of the darkest corridors of me, myself and I, while opening every single door to investigate, explore and then determine exactly how I am going to be. The plan.

Anyway, this morning when I awoke, it occured to me that, even though I am less than I thought I was, I am now more than I was for knowing it. Not really, but that’s kind of how it feels. What does this realization practically mean? I guess it means that, more than just letting go of my ideas and perceptions of reality, I’ve also gotta stop writing about them - as though I know, when in reality I don’t. A part of me wants to scream, but who going to tell the world the truth then? Lol, I guess it’s not going to be me.

Finally, there’s this point of opening or not opening a private blog to post that which I care to have some see, while for others it will remain somewhat secret, yet not inaccessible.  This has to do with the point wherein I balance considerations of secrecy with how interpretations of what I write, might affect my position in the system. For example, in a recent post, the one that I just deleted, I used the word, Asia in reference to the Asia Pacific region. However, as the university I work at is called Asia University, I was concerned that a sentence including the word, “asia” might be misinterpreted, especially by non-native English speakers. Thus, I will do it. I’ll start a private blog and use it occasionally as a means of balancing my position in the system with my personal process.

Fitting into my Physical Body

Lately in listening to the latest Eqafe recordings, I have once again noticed a point that I’ve been able to apply in my personal process of changing myself from conscious to awareness. What the hell does that mean, you ask? Well, I guess you could say that, consciousness refers to  one’s self that we usually call “myself”. In short, it’s like the autopilot, artificial intelligence or set of programs of the human mind, I think therefore I am energetic entity that awoke within humanity and decided that it, too deserved the opportunity to continue existing. Hence the reason (in my perspective) why human consciousness as a whole is now in its own process of creating a new race of machines for the purpose of jumping from the current organic of human physical bodies to that a new a race of machines. Actually, I guess there is more to this story that goes back quite a ways to one or more of the races involved in the creation of humanity, that I would like to bring up one of these days. For now however, to see this point more clearly as it pertains to humanity, simply consider the awakening taking place within humanity and  correlate that with the rise of the machines. For more on this point (of the connection between AI and consciousness), please see, Artificial Intelligence: What they’re not Telling You or here. And one more thing on this point; in terms of an expression of life, it is not something that’s reserved only for organic substances. This I guess is very important for humans to consider, see, realize and understand in changing to embrace all life equally as one.

Now in terms of fitting into my physical body: in listening to a being who has recently crossed over and is still involved in this process, I realized that I’ve been attempting to push or force my beingness into my physical body, all the way down to the tips of my toes and out to the tips of my fingers. Metaphorically speaking, I guess it would be kind of like attempting to ride a horse and become best buddies with it, without even giving the horse time to really get to know me. So this morning upon awakening from sleep, instead of attempting to push me as a being awareness into and through my physical body, I decided to just float in and around my chest area. It felt very comfortable and I didn’t experience any resistance. Thus, I will utilize this approach.

Continuing with Self Responsibility & Toning Down Emotions

You know I used to think or believe that I could write on subjects such as Responsibility and put everything into one post. I used to believe that I could put it all into one page, one sentence and even one word. Honesty, I am still 100% certain that I/we are able to put all our communications of a moment into one word or one sound, I’m just not quite sure how to do that right now.  Thus, I focus on what I do understand right now, the process of writing it all out, forgiving myself and rearranging the sentences into guidelines of commitments to walk and live. Which, once again brings me  back to this all encompassing topic called self-responsibility.

In my last post, I wrote about how instead of taking my mind’s cue and fueling the emotions of people around me, I directed myself to speak, move or stand from a starting-point intention of toning down the emotional energy of the environment. In looking some more at this point, I see that,  instead taking the bait (of other minds) and counter attacking or arguing back, I   lowered my guard (metaphorically speaking) and stood there at the receiving end of the energy/emotions that were being targeted at me. Strangely enough, I actually even began singing (if you can call it that), basically letting out a various sounds as though I were attempting to background melody for the chorus. I’m not sure that it did any good, but it certainly didn’t fuel the fire any more. I think perhaps it has something to do with commitments I’ve written to stand as a sound of harmony for the purpose of harmonizing my environment. Or perhaps, I just lacked the right words, the living words. Hmm.

Anyway, while standing on the targeted end of an outpouring of emotion, I also noticed a familiar self-definition arising from within me. To put it into words, this definition was saying to me, “hey, you’re being abused and it’s not only your right, but your duty to retaliate and put these people in their places.” Thankfully though, I didn’t allow myself to embrace and become that definition, but even though it only lasted only for a moment, a strangeness, like an echo of uneasiness still lingered within me for part of the day. It was as though that particular moment were to have been a cause of uneasiness due to bad relations that were to have been created between me and a couple of people in the office. The only thing is that the moment didn’t playout as it as per the usual program.

The point that I wanted to make here in relation to self-responsibility is that, sometimes (as one is able), it may be supportive to stand for a moment on the so-called receiving end of high pitched discord. Actually, it’s not  even the “receiving end,” as long as we simply let the energy run its course, going right through us without getting hung up on any self definitions. Furthermore, I also realize that even though it might appear to some as though the one remaining stable and not retaliating is being abused, it’s not actually abusive to the stable one due to the stability creating a kind of harmony of mind, being and body - ideally.

Here I am not now suggesting that we should all go around allowing ourselves to be yelled at and screamed at all the time. Merely that there will be times when people around us become emotional and even possessed. In such times, I now see that the best I am able to do for myself, others and my immediate environment as a whole is to remain stable, non confrontational and non aggressive so as to let emotions run their course without retaliating and making the situation worse. In doing this the other day in relation to some people in my office, I see that, not only did I prevent the situation from getting worse, but (from my perspective) I also assisted and supported others as well as myself in my work environment.

Finally, the coolest thing about this episode, experience or moment is that, except for that tiny bit of self definition of feeling as though I deserved to retaliate (a point of my personal process), I didn’t experience any pain (as I might have in the past) in relation to the energy that was being aimed at me. Very interesting.

My View on Anonymous

Do any of us really know who the elite are, the ones above the Rothschilds, the Rockefellers and the likes (or dislikes) of black pope? Probably not, at least not the 99.999% of us. That’s because the elite are anonymous. They hide their faces in secret behind digitized voices and internet memes, while telling us of the Elite’s plans, telling us to prepare ourselves and leaving us to believe that they are on our side, when in reality, what they present is nothing but a distraction designed (by its very nature) to obscure the path to a solution, a non-polarized one wherein cooperation from a starting point of what is best for all becomes the primary message, because this is the only solution. Oneness and equality, what is best for all is what is best for everyone and it is mathematically the “only solution.” Yet, we are unlikely to hear this message from Anonymous because, just as the Elite are anonymous, so too are Anonymous the Elite.


As the elite are anonymous and the (real) Anonymous are the elite (and I haven’t even begun on the subject of AI), we now have a name for the the nature of the beast. It’s called secrecy veiled as anonymous, the tunnel from which all fears are birthed and the equality of life is denied in fear strangely enough, of being less than equal - hence the desire to have more. Herein, the solution is simple; eliminate all secrets to eliminate all fear to understand what is here and then… I guess we begin to evolve.

All of the best kept secrets within humanity have always been kept out in the open in plain view where few would think to look beyond the psyop. I wish I were wrong. Hell, I hope I am wrong, but it looks like humanity is in for some more letdowns. Hopefully though, it won’t be long before the big turnaround. And  by the way, the elite (as so many have suggested) are for the most part (I guess) not even human, nor are they extraterrestrial. Try artificial intelligence, which I guess is kind of a human trait. Why do you think the web of secrecy and deceit, no matter how deep down the rabbit hole we go, always seems to lead to just another lead? It’s because our physical reality is existential  and the good and evil that we’re searching for out there is actually within and as us, creating the “out there” as the aggregate sum total of all that we are within and as us. As within so without, as above so below, as within so without. Meaning (in short) that the AI above is as the AI below and it’s called human consciousness.

Additionally, I wouldn’t be too concerned about YouTube and Facebook censorship. It’s an uncomfortable shock or wakeup call to many of us who are still far too complacent with the status quo. I guess this kind of shock will get worse before it gets better, because there are still too many of us who just refuse to move themselves as long as they have a place to sleep and their bellies are full. For example, too many still refuse to stand up for the human rights of others because they do not “feel” the pain of such abuses. Take for example my American compartirats, who on one side fight for the right to own weapons while on the other side they fight to take them away without even considering the plight of those outside the realms of their nationalistic fight. Yea, both sides are are nationalists fighting for their right to define how the nation should be - in total disregard for those on the receiving ends of their/our wars.

Sometimes (and I’ve learned this from experience) the quickest way to understanding the pain of another is to experience it ourselves. Thus it is that many of the haves require to have not in order to understand  the position of others in other nations on the other side of the tracks. Perhaps then will we see the benefits of providing all with the best so to at the very least be provided with the best for ourselves. The wakeup call has been ringing for a long time and many have answered. Now let us all bang on the doors of those who are still asleep. Explain to them that what happens to one happens to all. This is to say that, even though MSM may be redirecting narrative on the airwaves, the consequences of karma (for lack of a better word) will not be slowed nor even stopped. In plain English, Europe and America are in for a wake up call. And this is my rant for today... The Elite are Anonymous and the Anonymous are the Elite.

Changes in the Movement of Internal Information

Today, I am focusing on a point wherein I have noticed some changes in relation to the internal movement of information within my body in relation to points of irritation or aggravation arising within me. Specifically, wherein, in the not too distant past, I noticed how I had begun observing internal movements of information within myself by slowing everything down (kind of like shifting into slow motion view) and looking into me to see  energy/emotion expanding and moving upwards within my body, from which point, I would often stop myself from externalizing such emotion by catching the flow of information (just before I became it) and restructuring it as myself to a more stable, externalized sound/physical movement. This was cool because, even though I might have started out reacting internally, I found that by standing as the directed principle in that moment and not accepting and allowing such preprogrammed experiences, not only would I remain more more stable on the outside, but the internal energy would also most likely quickly dissipate, leaving me changed - to an extent. That being said, I’ve now begun to notice something different in the flow of information.

Recently, I returned with my partner to Taiwan from a short trip to South Korea. I didn’t really want to go because I’m fairly comfortable where I am. However, since she seemed to really want to go traveling, I agreed to go with the unsaid understanding that I would just go with the flow for 6 days. Also, I realized that it is often beneficial (even though it’s not always that much fun) to push myself to get out of my comfort zone. Anyway, there were times in S. korea when we were moving together on a crowded subway or a cold winter street, when would became aware of points of irritation or aggravation within my physical body. In each of these cases, I immediately understood that, if entertained these points in any way, they would be targeted at my partner and an ugly me would manifest. Thus in each of these three cases over the course of about a week, I responded as I have essentially learned to do through the Desteni I Process. 

What’s interesting though, is that wherein the past I would see or perceive what looked like a little bubble of aggravation building up in my abdomen area, which would then travel slowly upwards and just before it got to the point of intertwining with the sound of my spoken words or my physical movement, I would usually stop it by standing as the directive principle of the sound/physical movements that I manifest and create myself as.  However, in each of these most recent instances, instead of the point of aggravation building up and  then traveling slowly upwards, I would  in one moment see it and recognize it (in the abdomen area) and then (like in lightning speed) it would already be at my vocal cords. Each time this happened, I was like, what the hell is going on? Thankfully (and this is even a cooler point), the tonality of the sound that came out of my mouth was still relatively stable. This surprised me because, in the past, such an outcome usually required my participation, actively viewing and directing. The thing is, in these most recent situations, there wasn’t any time because there was no slowing down the view. It was more like quantum movement, here and there in the same moment. 

In looking back at how the change in such moments took place, I guess these were quantum moments of awareness wherein I saw the points defined as irritation or aggravation within me, which to say that these programs still exist within me. However, even though there wasn’t time to to oversee and push the change, my intention, perhaps based on past doings still came through. Additionally, even though immediately after each event, I was still aware of points defined as irritation and aggravation within myself, once again in changing my sound/physical output/standing, I also  dissipated those points of emotion very quickly to the point wherein I was indeed remaining stable within and without.