Doing what I Care to do - Rather than what I think I Should Want to Do

I have noticed myself over the last year or so looking at the prospect of doing something, thinking that I ought to do it because I seem to like to do that kind of stuff, but then self-honestly thinking that it’s not really what I want to do and from that point, deciding not to do it. Mostly I notice this point come up in relation to patterns patterns involving certain relationships. For example, it seems that I always used to enjoy going into the countryside, hanging out with my friends and drinking beer. However, nowadays when I look at this point, it’s like there’s a feeling that says I ought to go visit my friend or friends, but there’s also me right here that looks honestly at the point and says no, that’s not what I want to do and I’m not doing what I don’t really want to do anymore just because I think that’s what should be wanting to do. It’s funny because, if I pull up the picture associated with me in the countryside drinking beer with my friend or friends, the definition attached to it is, “that’s fun.” But then when I expand that picture/moment from that present point going further into the past and future, I see that it’s not really as fun as I had defined it.

Strangely enough, I’ve also asked myself if I was being selfish for no longer being willing to put the sharing myself with others ahead of what I really want to do, which, during my free time is often just to be by myself or when possible, to stay at home with my partner. The reason I find this kind of behavior (for me) somewhat strange is because, for most of my life it seems that all I wanted to do was to move from wherever I was in order to go do something else or the same thing just as long as I kept moving. This may sound strange, but I don’t see this anymore as being selfish. It’s more like giving more of me to myself - if that makes any sense.

I’m fairly certain that this has a lot to do with my personal process, walking with Desteni, applying the tools of self-change and actually changing myself - definitely for the better I would say. The thing is, I also don’t feel as though I’ve had to give up anything at all (as I used to think I would) and in doing what I self-honestly choose to do, I’m actually having a lot more fun than I used to. For example, in practically living the words care and consideration in relation to those in my work environment (which I’ve focused a lot on over the last several years), I’ve expanded my self-expression in that area while also tapping into a  source of enjoyment that I hadn’t realized was available. I’ve found out or realized that I actually enjoy taking time to consider people, especially when it comes to what students are saying to me or asking of me. Additionally, by expanding my expression in this area, I think that I’ve also ended up fulfilling myself (with that expression) in such a way so as to no longer feel the need to search for it in another area.

Seeing Where I Am by Assisting and Supporting Another

Last weekend, I went to visit a friend that I had not seen in almost three years. In him or through him, in terms of my memory of how I was in relation to him in the past, I considered (through a form of practical comparison) how I am now, i.e., if and how I’ve changed in relation to him. What I noticed most was how much I listened, really listened without judgments and so on which I would have used in the past to rebuke what he had said. Instead, I considered how I could assist him to move past the same points it seems he’s been dealing with for a long time, ever since I’ve known him.

I was not aware of very much to say that would have outweighed the support of simply listening to what he had to say. I see that he and so many others are caught in the same current. So close to the assistance and support of a shore. Yet in not seeing or even imagining how differently their lives could be, they seem torn between looking for a solution out there, while refusing to see or acknowledge that it’s right here - the question and the answer within and as themselves.

The potential is there. Where, I wonder is the will to shift the eyes from searching out there to looking within? I was able to see this point in him perhaps because it’s a point that has been very relevant for me, the point of pushing myself to bring everything back to me even though it is often the exact opposite of what I feel like doing. I could see in my friend the potential or ability to change himself and his life for the better; yet I did not see the will, meaning that, it was his decision to be in that location and on some level he was aware of this.

As with “all” points these days, the sooner I bring them back to me, the sooner I will myself to resolve them. Thus, in terms of the first point of noticing how much I listened and considered how to assist, I note that I have in thought, word and in deed changed myself to better care for others, which shows me that I am also better caring for myself. Cool.

The second point, not completely seeing what to say to him or show him is of the realization of the reality of proces. In other words, in suggesting to him that he get a desk and begin writing, I was sharing with him the best tool that I’ve found for changing myself through writing out as patterns of acceptances and allowances to physically see the entanglements to write them right like a map to guide one’s self to change one’s living. Sometimes we change slowly and sometimes we change quickly. The key as I see it is to keep writing right the map of the plan of one’s life, so to at least have a plan. No one can do the writing for another; we are only able to do it for ourselves and this is cool because it's how we are able to see and be certain of the point of self creation.

The third point and this is an important one, has to do with not seeing his will to push through and face the realization that each one of us, ultimately is responsible for how we’ve been and who we are. As this point of pushing through various points, I’ve noticed that I’ve sometimes carried self-judgments into my writings of the map of how I thought I should be. This resulted me having to loop back to the point to have to face it again and again until I forgave and let go of the self-judgments so to see clearly where I was and wasn't aligned to my plan. For example, in recent confrontations or disputes that I’ve been involved in, I had judged myself as being manipulating for seeing or guessing the play outs and not coming up with and implementing a solution that would immediately end the disputes. However, what I didn’t immediately see was that, walking points within the system to create solutions based on the system that is here, requires practice or practical knowledge. In the bigger picture, this means that sometimes it’s necessary to walk these disputes through in the system while taking advantage of the opportunities to change one’s self in the process. In other words, sometimes the problem is part of the process and the most convenient route is not necessarily the best solution. I will write more on this in the future.

Finally, for this post, I would like to say that I really appreciate the assistance support that I’ve been receiving from Desteni, especially from the latest interviews on Eqafe.

The Simplicity of Redefining & Living Words

On the subject of redefining words, I had had some difficulties because I attempted to make it too complex. In other words, I thought that I had to have a special/unique word for every moment of my day to precisely determine and define how I cared to express myself constantly and continuously.

Then, a few nights ago while walking in the park with my partner, I noticed that I was becoming irritated. At first, in beginning of that moment (of realization) I had already started to project or blame my irritation onto my partner for speaking. However, in that same moment, before the projection even reached her, I stopped it and brought it back to myself. It only took an instant for me to look into me (at the energetic point that I had defined as irritation) to see that the point  was actually of fatigue - having driven 7 hours that day - that had triggered the definition of irritation within and as me. Thus, all still in the same moment, it occurred to me to simply choose a different word, one that I would prefer to embody and live.

Whereas in the past, I might have spent time searching the perfect word and ended up missing the opportunity to actually change myself in that same moment; this time, I simply chose the the first correction that came up and it wasn’t just a word, it was a sentence, “walking in the park and conversing.” Still in that same moment, having simply said the words “walking in the park and conversing” and seen the sentence in my mind, I decided and committed myself to live those words and I did just that.  

From an experience of irritation wherein I as my mind had been looking to project blame onto my partner,  I instead made the decision, who I would be in that moment, by choosing and stating the word (or words) to become and live. The key point that I realized in all of this (which I had been missing) was the simplicity of redefining and living words. In other words, I now see that it’s not necessary to complicate things with fancy words. Walking in the park and conversing is just that, walking in the park and conversing. Lol, I used to think that, in redefining words, I had to choose words such as joyful or jolly expression even though it was just a judgment of how I believed I should be and not necessarily how I really cared to be or even how I self-honestly saw myself as being.

In short, by determining or choosing the words that I cared to live, stating them and trusting myself to stand as and live wholly the words that I stated, I also released myself of the energetic definition of irritation. How? Because in wholly committing to embrace and live the words, “walking in the part and conversing,” I also wholly redefined who I was and how I would be in that moment, therein leaving no room of for the energetic definition/experience of irritation. In this simplest of moments, I realized that I am in thought, in word and in deed able to change who I am in a moment.

Although these days I sometimes take for granted being able to see my thoughts as they move, almost like me as the being, stopping time inside of me to look into me and see how things are moving in the mind consciousness system of my physical body, I am also quite aware of the process that I have been walking with Desteni.  For more on simply redefining words, have a look at the Facebook pages, Self and Living or School of Ultimate Living.

Secrecy and Self Responsibility

The Moment of Change (Part 1) - Back to Basics

Some time ago I wrote about our lack of information integrity/accountability wherein I stated, “Information Unaccountability is a weapon of mass destruction that will continue to spread destruction, disease and death until “We the People” stand up and become accountable sources of all our information within and as the Public Domain.” By weapon of mass destruction destruction, I was referring to the compounding relationship-points of consequence within the world system that, because of the lack of accountability, facilitating a lack of integrity in the political system and secret societies of the elite, the human race continues to be in disorganization and disharmony, a human race at war with itself and everything else.

That was a few years back and although I stand by everything I said, I now see that the way I said it could have been less intellectually focused on the world “out there” and more focused self-honestly on addressing and correcting my role in the creation of what’s “out there” by changing myself right here. For example, last night while I was watching one of the Transformer movies, I judged once again that the elite behind these movies and many like them have been secretly exposing information that has been kept hidden (often in plain view) from humanity for some time. In this instance, one of the main characters says, “they all belong to secret societies all united in one cause, to protect the secret history of transformers.”  Now if we just take out one word, “transformers” and replace it with, for example, humanity, ancient technology, extraterrestrials, giants, moon bases, etc., we hear that the “stated” purpose of secret societies is to protect their secrets their secrets from humanity. I wondered, are these secret societies getting ready to divulge their secrets to humanity, their very reason for being? No, I doubt it because if they honestly were, they certainly wouldn’t be using science fiction movies. .

But, is their continued purpose for keeping secrets (especially in the time of technology based revelations), really to keep the secret or is it that they too are just too damn frightened to let go of how they’ve been? I this the reason for choosing to release bits of info here and there, hiding them in plane sight in the lines of stories instead of just unveiling their secrets all at once? Why don’t they just come out of their hiding places, stop wasting resources attempting to control the flow of information and just open the gates to a world of complete honesty and accountability in order to facilitate integrity within humanity? Why? Why? Why?

Alas, eventually I must bring back to myself all of the questions that I have projected onto others. Thus, I bring these questions (in relation to unveiling the secrets while still attempting to veil them in plain sight) back to me to consider where I am still withholding information. Well… I’ve written about my secret relation to alcohol, my fear of just being myself around people, my battles a few of the neighbours and so on, but there’s still more. However, before I continue I would like to reiterate something very important in relation to dealing with points of secrecy.

Specifically, it’s not the information contained within the secrets themselves, that causes the fear associated with having the secrets unveiled. Instead, it is the energy that we’ve attached to the secrets themselves that keeps us tied to them in fear of letting them go. Therefore, once we put out the information, the energy “of fear” is also released because it no longer has anything to attach itself to.  This is where the internet comes in handy as a tool to release information, like burning the ships so there’s absolutely no chance of turning back. However, don’t forget to consider the systems by which we sustain ourselves. In other words, don’t get fired from your day job just for the sake of being absolutely honest. Self honesty does not require that the world see all of one’s secrets, but that we face them so to no longer define ourselves by the energy attached to them,

Now, back to the point of where I am still not being completely self-honest. There are still many points wherein I have, let’s call them ideas pertaining to reality that I do not share for the most part for fear of being judged as being presumptuous. Yet, how can I honestly request that the elite let go of their secrets while I hold onto mine with justifications such as, in time they will eventually see; or I don’t need to say anything now because they’ll figure it out themselves? From this writing, I now begin to see that the justifications by which I have been holding onto my ideas is perhaps no different than the justifications used by the elite to release information bit by bit instead of all at once. In short, I see that we humans throughout all of the levels of hierarchy are basically the same. Herein, whatever I would like to see of someone else out there, I must first create within myself right here.

The Antagonist

The other night at a little after 6:00 pm, I stopped off at an OK Mart on my way to the night market because I wanted to buy some hand wipes. While in the store, I used the store toilet, and when I came out of the bathroom, I picked up a pack of hand wipes and went to the counter to pay for them. When I handed the store clerk the hand wipes, she looked at them, scoffed and stated, “You're only getting this!” or something like that. I handed her 100NT, and in Mandarin Chinese I asked her, “how much is it?” Instead of telling me the price, she said in the Taiwanese dialect, “I don't understand.” So I said to her (again in Mandarin), “I'm speaking the national language; how much is it?” Again she said in Taiwanese, “I don't understand, bye! Bye!”

Viewing her words and actions towards me as very strange, rude to be precise, I asked her why she was being rude to me, a customer; was it because I was a foreigner; had foreigners been rude to her? Then I asked her where the manager was, if she was a worker or the manager. This time, she replied in perfect Mandarin that, she was the owner. I said, OK, perhaps I will write a letter the corporate office; what is this store's address and store number? To this, she did not reply. So, I decided to take a photo to get the GPS tag for the record, and that's when I guess she snapped.

When she saw me taking a photo with my smartphone, she said something to the affect of, you can't take pictures in here. Then, as she was yelling something (I think she was ordering me to delete the picture/pictures), she started moving quickly towards me from behind the counter as though she was going to attack me. Actually, it was clear to me that she was intent on physically taking my phone from me. So, as I was moving backwards towards the exit, I took another photo (for evidence), and just as I was doing that, she lifted her clipboard and slammed it down on my head. Yes, last night at an OK Mart across from the night market, I would say that, not only was I the target of discrimination, but I was also physically attacked. Luckily, I had been wearing my motorcycle helmet the whole time, and although I was not physically harmed, I was a somewhat shaken up by this strange incident.

Later, in considering this incident, I talked to my friend, a local high school teacher. He suggested that we go right back over there and demand an apology. I instead suggested that we wait until tomorrow; I noticed that throughout entire incident, there had been a I point of curiosity within me – as though another part of me were watching the action unfold. So I determined to first write this point out to understand what really happened there.

In taking a closer, more self-honest look at this incident, I realize that I could have simply walked out of the store and left the store clerk to her own emotions, but I didn't because I experienced myself as being insulted for being discriminated against, and that's when the point of curiosity arose within me, at the same time I was going into stealth attack mode.

Here in some more self-honest reflection on the subject of discrimination, I go back a few weeks to when I was up in the mountains listening to a man belittle someone of another race. Although I didn't understand everything he was saying, I did realize that he was verbally mocking this person in discrimination of her for her race. I didn't say anything, and because he was the host of the barbecue, I imagined that it was all in fun, and I simply laughed it off. Now I see that discrimination is not something to laugh about; it's not so funny when it happens to me.

Some time ago I wrote that, one who stands by and does nothing while a child is abused is first hand the abuser. I now see, realize and understand that this also applies to one who stands by and does nothing while another verbally abuses, discriminates against another even from behind that person's back. Here, in realizing what I have accepted and allowed, I will continue to write out these points of acceptances and allowances within and as me so to understand the nature of me, where I now am so to right these points on the journey of self correction to change the nature of me to one of integrity in relation to all.

When I “honestly” look deeper and deeper into me, I see the point of me avoiding facing a part of me, part of the nature of me that I still hide behind carefully chosen words and a smiling face. In the past, even when this nature of me has come through for me to realize, I often disguised it as something less as a means to avoid it. Specifically, although (at the time) I did not put to words my starting point of replying to the store clerk's words, I now see that deep down inside I reacted as insulted, and somewhere within and as me I designed my words to antagonize in vengeance to cause her to react in anger, and perhaps this is what I was curious about, my behavior, not hers.

Pushing through the void that I created to avoid taking responsibility my reactions, I now see the point of me that knew exactly what I was doing with my words, antagonizing her in revenge for my experience of being insulted. Interestingly, on surface of my words, they would have looked and sounded harmless most observers; yet somewhere within and as them (unbeknownst even to a part of me) was my intent to cause a reaction, cause harm. I guess that this reaction was of the nature of my being, and now I understand what someone once said to me when he said I was speaking with a forked tongue.

So hear I am: from the point of defining myself as the victim for being insulted and discriminated against to that of me realizing myself as the antagonist seeking revenge because I had blamed another my own reactions. I now see, realize and understand that in not taking complete self-honest responsibility for me, I had accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and the other.

Yes, I have been curious as to what ever happened to my favorite personality, the one I call militarized, the one that I have been decommissioning ever so slowly, the one that a part of me still fears to let go of, inferiority.

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to react to the store clerk's words (energetically defining them within and as me as being discriminating and insulting) instead of immediately realizing that her words and actions were/are100% of her and did not belong to me.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to negatively charge the store clerk's words, defining them within and as me as being insulted and projecting the blame onto the store clerk instead of me remaining stable, undefined by another person's words so to (in seeing and realizing the emotional distress of another) assist and support the other as best I am able, even if that means simply walking away.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quietly sit by while another/others speak in humorous discrimination of another/others behind their backs.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that discrimination in any form – even when spoken in the tone of humor, just having a good laugh – is not supportive to anyone.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify sitting by with “they're just having a laugh” instead of standing up and walking away or at least attempting to explain why we should all never discriminate against one another.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to – in standing up for myself and not another/others – in effect value myself above the others as though I were better. I now see, realize and understand I am no better than that which I accept and allow in relation with others.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect and insist upon being treated with respect while not insisting upon it for another/others/all.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me within and as charged definitions of words amounting to experiences of me defining myself as being respected and disrespected instead of letting go of the polarized definitions of respect/disrespect so to take complete responsibility for me so to no longer charge myself with energetic definitions of words.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granite society's perception of me instead of fully realizing that as I could be in the shoes of anyone else, I/we require to completely eliminate all forms of discrimination.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that others view me as good, honest, humble and kind.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid completely writing out in detail this part of me, the nature of my being, that viewpoint/perspective that relishes being unjustly attacked so to justify attacking another/others.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this part of my being as cold-hardhearted and evil instead of seeing, realizing and understanding this point of me as being in fear being harmed by another.
• When and as I find myself at the point of defining and/or experiencing me as being discriminated against and/or insulted, I commit myself to immediately stop, breathe and let go of my self-definitions of discrimination and insult in relation to another/others so to in that moment take full responsibility for determining the best outcome and directing me and the situation to that point in consideration of what is best for all involved.
• When and as I find myself at the point of seeing/hearing words and/or actions that I have defined as insulting, I commit myself to stop, breathe, let go of the energetic definitions that I have attached to words, and stabilize me internally and externally so to not be move by the words and actions of another.
• When/as/if I find myself negatively defining another person's words as insulting, discriminating, ridiculous and so on, I commit myself to immediately stop defining, stop charging another person's words within and as me so I see and hear that person without interpretations of my self definitions.
• When and as I find myself positively defining another person's words as complementing to me, I commit myself to immediately stop defining, stop charging another person's words within and as me so to see and hear that person without interpretations of my self-definitions of him/her/them.
• When and as I find myself at the point of sitting by while another/others have a laugh in discrimination of another/others, I commit myself to assist and support all involved to realize that, as the words we create are our own, that which we project onto another/others is in reality just projections of ourselves.
• When and as I find myself at the point of attacking or considering how to attack another, I commit myself to stop, breathe and redirect my will to a solution that does not include retribution.
• When and as I find myself at the point of avoiding these that I call the worst points of me, I commit myself to sit down and write the void out of me, replacing it with integrity, word by word.   

Reacting in Imagination Instead of fully Investigating the Facts

Last Wednesday, the first day of school of the spring semester, I found out that some of the classrooms for various instructors had been changed. Upon arriving at one of my new classrooms (the dungeon as I affectionately refer to it), I realized that it was not optimal for the kind of lessons I do with these classes. At first, I wondered to myself: did I do something wrong; why would they put me along with one of the highest level Freshmen English classes down here in the basement? Then I recalled the commitments I had made to myself some time ago to “not” jump to conclusions before investigating all of the facts.

So in beginning the class, I proceeded to turn on the computer and the projection screen to explain the new syllabus that I had written and show the students where to go to download it. However, when the screen lit up and the page was displayed, I noticed that it was too small for large amounts of on-screen reading, especially for those in the back. I asked the students what they though, and those that ventured to respond seemed to agree with me. So I decided to see what I could do about getting the classroom that I'll be teaching in for 8 hours a week changed to something a little brighter with a bigger projection screen.

When I got back to the office, I explained the problem to my director, and she said she would see what she could do about it. About an hour later, the problem was solved. My new classroom had a giant projection screen and even a view of the mountains. Needless to say, I went home that day satisfied with the way things had worked out, but then I blundered.

When I looked at my email at home, I saw the same email notification about the classroom changes that had been sent to me days earlier, but the browser had translated it and I thought I was looking at a new email that was asking me to clarify why I needed a different classroom. Yes, instead of clearly investigating what I was looking at, I allowed my imagination to react, and this is where I blundered.

In energetic form of me in reaction to imagined information, I decided to write an email letter explaining my request. The thing is that, when I request something, I don't just write a simple letter of request, I write for effect. In other words, I place the words in such a way as to logically justify the validity of the request not being denied. It's kind of like the way I attempt to explain or teach my students: when writing an email of request, write for effect.

Then, after spending over an hour on the email and sending it off, I checked the (school) email system again, and in looking at the same email, thought it was another new one. This time, I double checked and said to myself, wait a second, had I just done all that stuff for nothing? Yes, I had, and then it finally occurred to me to check my facts. This time, I went onto another section of the information system and saw that my classroom had indeed been changed to the room with a view and big projection screen.

The lesson from this, aside from being able to use my email as good example of how to write a request for effect is that, when looking at email, especially that which has been translated, never jump to conclusions, and always check the facts so to respond instead of react.

Herein, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in imagination when looking at my email instead of fully investigating all of the facts. Furthermore, I commit myself to, when looking at email – especially that which has been translated – always thoroughly investigate all of the facts so to respond instead of react.

Changing Self Changes the World

Life (in all forms) is defined and/or determined by and through one's relationships. These relationships from the small of each of us to the big of the world-system reflected back unto us all define and/or determine the nature of each of us as one of humanity. Therefore, to change the nature of humanity so to stop and reverse the decline and degradation of earth and human kind, each one/person requires to change the nature of self – as the small that make up the big – to thus change the nature of humanity.

Although this may seem an impossibly massive project, when we take it down to the smallest point of each one's responsibility – the point wherein one is able to change, it becomes simply a matter of enough people uniting in the commitment to change for the betterment of all, and then doing so step by step until the united mass of change overrides the current flow of deterioration and transforms it to improvement.

Self-change for the betterment of all occurs when one realizes that relationship points in which he or she is currently participating are not beneficial to all and therefore changes his or her relationship participation within and as these points to reflect the consideration of what is best for all.

By determining and then living self-change, one not only determines the nature of self (who one is in relation to all), but also re-defines the nature of all in relation to self.

Specifically, in changing self for the betterment of all, one determines the nature of self; thereby redefining the nature of all in relation to self. Hence, each one's ability to change the nature of humanity to one that is more benevolent simply by changing the nature of self.