Removing the Armor from my definition of Honor

For quite some time now, I’ve been investigating my relation to the words criticism and accuse. In looking back at my memories of instances  when I felt I was being blamed, criticized, accused or singled out in ways that I thought might negatively impact  other people’s perceptions of me, I noticed in such cases that I would almost always feel as though I were being threatened or attacked.

To dare to even question me in relation to a misdeed or insinuate that I was the perpetrator or complicit in it was a big deal for me. Anything that I felt “made me” less than how I identified myself and wanted others to identify me as, left me with no choice (or so I thought) but to defend myself in any way I could, which for me, usually meant counterattacking. Although as a very young child, I didn’t yet have the vocabulary to name this word, I now see that even back then, it was always about honor for me. I hated having my honor questioned, but the worst thing, as I recall was when someone called me an idiot or said I was stupid. Honor, as I perceived it was all I had, it was how I identified myself, it was something I had to protect, it was something worth dying for and as I recall, it was the way I imagined myself dying - with honor in front of a firing squad to be precise.

One time in returning home from high school for summer break from the military boarding school, the one place I seemed to naturally excel at, my best friend told me that one of my neighbors had accused me of hammering holes in his rowboat. Even though I knew I hadn’t done it and that there wouldn’t be anyone coming for me, there was no way I was going to leave such an accusation uncontested and un retracted while I was still breathing. Determined to have this man retract his accusation, I went with my friend to speak to him face to face. To my chagrin and my surprise, he looked me in the eyes and said, “I know it was you because I saw you running away that night.” Even though I knew he was wrong, I also knew he wasn’t lying (about what he thought he saw) and therefore instead of begrudging him or feeling threatened by him, I respected him for his honorable stand. But that didn’t change the fact that I still had to clear my name as a matter of honor. So I charged that point predominantly in the right side of my conscious mind with instructions to reopen and investigate this point every time I returned to that town and never let it go until I cleared my name.

 Sometimes, I bemoan my lack of conscious access to memories of past lives, but deep down inside I’m grateful not to have that weight to bear. Yet even without the memories of the past, the “who I am” undercurrents of the present tell the story of how we’ve been and still are, forever cursing us to exist as the past until each one of us stop and change who we are in the present, as the present opportunity to no longer exist as the past and finally begin anew.

Although it took a few years, I finally did track down the culprit who had hammered holes in the neighbor’s boat. I returned to the neighbor’s son this time (I guess because the father was sick or had died) with a name and the name of a supporting witness to clear my name. Nevertheless, I still couldn’t get a retraction, not even an apology for accusing me; and this point, the end of the cycle in the design of the “Who am I” undercurrent, as the polarized word, accused within and as a mind consciousness system  only served to reinforce the definition of myself as that polarized word.

Another word that I used to react to in the same way, as though I were being threatened and/or attacked is the word, criticized. For example, any time someone questioned me about the work I did or a decision I made (especially in the work environment), I would react internally as though my job and livelihood were being threatened. Of course I had become good over the years at overriding my internal reactions to relax my facial muscles, moderate my words as well as the tonality of my words, but underneath the poker face, I used to really feel threatened, even for little things such as comments or simple questions about my handling of something.

So, after investigating these words (accused, accusation, criticism and criticized) for quite some time now, writing out prominent memories, doing mind constructs based on those memories, writing self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, redefining criticism (to a non-polarized supportive definition, essentially a living word), I finally noticed or pinpointed the root or even the seed called honor.

Honestly, I would like to close this out right now with a clear, concise and happy ending; however, as I just recently realized where this has all been stemming from, I think it’s probably best for me finish walking these words while also focusing on the word, honor.

It's a work in progress, as I am, as I guess we all are; so here are some examples of the self-forgiveness that I’m writing (in relation to the words accused and criticized) with the added intention of changing myself as the word, honor - which I now realize I definitely require to redefine.

Polarized word: accused

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word accused within and as a fear of being dishonored or disarmed and left vulnerable to attack (as a result of being accused) rather than as a point of opportunity to see/hear the perspectives of others and check my standing by considering their perspectives and why I would be the target of their blame, herein practicing physical stability and self-introspection by standing unconditionally, without armor, humbly in the face of blame, accusations and/or praise to see/hear the perspectives of others in order to consider them as well as myself so as to determine how best to stand in relation to them/all.

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define accusations or blame targeted at me as though they were attacks against me (capable of diminishing my standing, who I am and the identity I project) rather than the perspectives of others for me to unconditionally consider in order to determine how to better stand in relation to everyone.

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who/how I am as an identity based on and created by the words of others used in relation to me as I perceived them to mean, rather than the sum total of the words that I have defined or redefined and lived into and as a sound standing. Herein, I now see that who/how I am is simply the accumulation of words that I lived.

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being accused and/or blamed, as an assault against me intended to disarm me (for the purpose of defeating me) rather than a sharing of perspectives by another/others of their standing in view of me for me to see, hear and consider in order to determine how best to stand in relation to them.

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and charge the word accused from a starting point of fear within and as the image of me being made defenseless or vulnerable (without my armor of honor) by the accusations of another/others, rather than simply a display or an announcement of the perspectives of others in relation to me offering me an opportunity to see/hear unconditionally their perspectives for the purpose of checking to see if I am standing as best I am able and then making corrections as necessary.

Desire: not to be accused, to have and maintain an honorable reputation

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being singled out and/or accused for the dishonorable secretive points/nature within and as myself, thereby protecting and maintaining my the dishonorable definitions within and as myself by keeping them hidden rather than facing them and changing them as myself by using the blame and/or accusations of others to assist me to identify (via my reactions) my weaknesses (that which I keep secret) so as to change myself as those points - from that which hide behind the armor of my honor to that which stand as and is displayed honestly for all to see.

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be perceived as being honorable and justified for harming or attempting to harm others in retribution for the fear that I experienced and blamed others for rather than take complete responsibility for myself and everything else by letting down my armor of honor, exposing my fears humbly as weak points that I am now in the process of redefining to live in support of myself and all.

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself always to take complete responsibility for myself by letting go of all desire to be without fear and replacing it with physical standing/living of self-trust that I create within and as myself each moment that I physically move myself as breath (instead of mind/energy) from the within to the without as the starting point intention to unconditionally see/hear, consider and stand in relation to others as I would have all stand in relation to me.