Doing what I Care to do - Rather than what I think I Should Want to Do

I have noticed myself over the last year or so looking at the prospect of doing something, thinking that I ought to do it because I seem to like to do that kind of stuff, but then self-honestly thinking that it’s not really what I want to do and from that point, deciding not to do it. Mostly I notice this point come up in relation to patterns patterns involving certain relationships. For example, it seems that I always used to enjoy going into the countryside, hanging out with my friends and drinking beer. However, nowadays when I look at this point, it’s like there’s a feeling that says I ought to go visit my friend or friends, but there’s also me right here that looks honestly at the point and says no, that’s not what I want to do and I’m not doing what I don’t really want to do anymore just because I think that’s what should be wanting to do. It’s funny because, if I pull up the picture associated with me in the countryside drinking beer with my friend or friends, the definition attached to it is, “that’s fun.” But then when I expand that picture/moment from that present point going further into the past and future, I see that it’s not really as fun as I had defined it.

Strangely enough, I’ve also asked myself if I was being selfish for no longer being willing to put the sharing myself with others ahead of what I really want to do, which, during my free time is often just to be by myself or when possible, to stay at home with my partner. The reason I find this kind of behavior (for me) somewhat strange is because, for most of my life it seems that all I wanted to do was to move from wherever I was in order to go do something else or the same thing just as long as I kept moving. This may sound strange, but I don’t see this anymore as being selfish. It’s more like giving more of me to myself - if that makes any sense.

I’m fairly certain that this has a lot to do with my personal process, walking with Desteni, applying the tools of self-change and actually changing myself - definitely for the better I would say. The thing is, I also don’t feel as though I’ve had to give up anything at all (as I used to think I would) and in doing what I self-honestly choose to do, I’m actually having a lot more fun than I used to. For example, in practically living the words care and consideration in relation to those in my work environment (which I’ve focused a lot on over the last several years), I’ve expanded my self-expression in that area while also tapping into a  source of enjoyment that I hadn’t realized was available. I’ve found out or realized that I actually enjoy taking time to consider people, especially when it comes to what students are saying to me or asking of me. Additionally, by expanding my expression in this area, I think that I’ve also ended up fulfilling myself (with that expression) in such a way so as to no longer feel the need to search for it in another area.