Sunday, January 5, 2020
The Life line of Breath
This morning (or yesterday morning by the time I post this), as I awoke around 4 in the morning with the usual thought boxes beginning to cycle in front of my perception, instead of fighting them, I went into a very determined form of breathing. As I was counting 4 heartbeat-counts in, hold for 4 counts, exhale for 4 counts, hold 4 heartbeats and so on, I noticed something different.
Strangely enough, I noticed that I was actually doing it, breathing steadily without going into any of the thoughts that I could see (as a knowing) were there ready and waiting for me to be accepted. However, I just kept on breathing, playing with my breath. As it turns out, in the mornings, I seem to prefer longer breaths, like 6-8 seconds rather than the usual four. I guess this is because I have large lungs and am able to breathe slower when rested. Eventually I fell asleep again and when I awoke, I strangely enough found myself still breathing that way, yet with a memory of a dream I had just had.
In the dream, I was with two brothers at a home that I didn’t really recognize while the two of them were talking about a particular kind of watch one of them had acquired and was suggesting that the others do the same. As they talked about that particular time piece (that showed up in my perception as a pocket watch), I went for a walk to explore a structure a nearby building. Once inside, I found myself somewhat stuck balancing myself precariously on some weak, rotting pieces of wood in order to avoid falling into a deep dark abyss below. Although I wasn’t scared, I knew that I was stuck and it was just a matter of time before I fell into the abyss.
Suddenly, I saw one of my brothers coming through the door. He saw my predicament and immediately went back to get something something from my other brother. When he returned, I saw that he had very strong synthetic line, which he threw to me. As I was getting ready to use that life line to climb up, I woke up still breathing the 4-6 count breath. So I decided to get out of bed and do some writing.
Although, I don’t focus on or even attempt to recall most of my dreams, I find some of them are notable for the insight (I guess I could say) that they provide, especially the ones with easily identifiable symbols relating my physical reality. In this latest dream, the watch clearly symbolizes time - as in the clock is ticking. It’s like a part of me pointing to the wristwatch as if to say we gotta get moving.
Add to this the image of myself balanced or hanging precariously over a pit of dark abyss, holding on to old roots coming out of the side of the wall and the message becomes even more clear: with the clock ticking away, there is no more time to go exploring down every little corridor or conspiracy that pops up. On a side note, I’m starting to wonder if these conspiracy theories aren’t specifically tailored to myself and others specifically for the purpose of enticing us into the never ending mazes of abyss.
In looking at the lifeline that was thrown to me just before I awoke still breathing the 4-6 count breaths, I woke up thankful for the message and I recommitted to better utilize the time that I have to focus on my personal process. And then when I went downstairs to make coffee and write this out.
Ahh! I just recalled where all this point recently arose. Yesterday as I was driving back home from my apartment near school, I was listening to an Atlantean being speaking about breathing. As she was explaining how even though everything in this existence, without exception, breaths as part of the design of this existence, it also retains a quantum point of absolute oneness and equality at the point between the in-breath and the out-breath (a quantum moment of the here of the completeness of pure life so to speak), I decided to see if I could identify that quantum moment, tap into it, hold onto it and expand upon it. The problem with holding onto that moment is that I’m only able to hold my breath for so long.
Therefore, instead of attempting to hold onto ever longer moments of being here, I decided to expand this point by aiming for “more” of these moments by focusing more on my breathing? Yea, I realize that I’ve attempted this many times throughout the last ten or so years. However, they always ended up being sporadic attempts that would eventually be interrupted and overwhelmed the overwhelmingness of my mind.
What’s different this time? I am of course. As I often say, life never climbing that gigantic mountain; rather it’s always only ever about deciding upon the next best step to take and then taking it.