2018 was a year of applying corrections, walking my commitments, taking notice of where I was actually changing and where I still required more self-direction or more self determination. Overall, considering the added responsibilities or challenges with work, essentially just a different and busier schedule, I would say that I’m satisfied with my application. Yea, that’s the right word, satisfied. Because I sat quite a bit and did a lot more observing than participating. I guess I would say that 2018 was a year of walking cautiously for me. I focused lot on noticing energies, stopping and checking to see where I was living changes and where I was still falling back into the same old patterns.
The area in which I’d say I made the most progress is interestingly related to my work and working relationships. When I look at this point, almost as a picture of an overall aspect of me in relation to others, I see that, while I reduced my participation in some old types of relationships (going out to the countryside, sitting around drinking beer), I increased the focus or attention that I give to students as well as the effort I put into maintaining working relationships. Little things like applying and living the word, patience when at the end of class (when I want to go home), a bunch of students suddenly have a lot of questions for me. Instead of telling them to ask remind me next time, I would say the word patience to myself and let go of my hurry to be somewhere else. Change can be like giving and receiving, wherein sometimes the giving is actually a giving-up of the old in order to make room for the new.
Where I’ve noticed that I still occasionally slipping is in letting little parts or bits of energetic definitions accumulate and amass over time to form like a glob of goo inside of me that (once it’s big enough) tends to latch onto any point, almost as though it’s looking for a way out via an emotional outburst wherever it can get out. It’s weird because in the course of a few days, I’ll be noticing emotions come up attached to points that I don’t consider to be very relevant. Then when looking at the accumulated energy ball, I would notice that it was a conglomeration of different points that I hadn’t addressed in the moments, but let slide. Reminder to myself! They don’t go away, but bide their time acquiring allies until big enough to make a push for the exit. So the little experiences is something that I’ve noticed I still have to watch for. As they say, the devil’s in the details. Instead of letting the little things slide, I require to be attentive to such points and direct them accordingly in real time moments.
Another point wherein I’ve noticed that I still require attention is in the area of backchat, gossiping or complaining. Although I have made tremendous progress in this area both internally and externally, I still catch myself back chatting and occasionally complaining. A though just came up, “but it’s so damn fun to complain.” Yea, like blaming, complaining, gossipping and so on, while it may seem fun at the time, the consequences associated with it are as equally not fun. For example several weeks ago, when discussing a subject with someone, I ended up complaining about another person and as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I new it was too late. On the corrective side of that event, I did use my very next interaction with the person that I had complained about to apologize. So, having recognized my mistake and corrected it, I also remembered to pat myself on the back for pushing myself face my mistake honestly and deal with it.
Finally for this post, I feel as though I should say something about my view of reality. In addition to feeling as though a big part of me is still in stealth mode, like I’m here but I’m not fully understanding what I am or even where here is, I also feel similarly that there’s still a veil upon this reality - albeit one that’s lifting quickly. In spending an average of 3-5 hours per day scanning, reading and watching information via the internet, I feel more and more as though we’re like one of those planets depicted in Star Trek movies, wherein the planet’s population toils away while invisible starships blaze around adhering to the prime directive of non-interference. And I want to say, isn’t it a little late for that?
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