Sunday, May 28, 2017

A Dream of Being Lost - Part IV

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I had another dream in relation to the point of alcohol. I was at a bar, inside the bar with a couple of people that I knew, but not enough to remember their names. I had been trying for some time to get a beer and was getting a little frustrated feeling more and more thirsty. Then I walked outside (I guess in search of a beer) and saw tables outside, open spaces with a  flowing river and I knew that, outside in the open air was where I wanted or needed to be. When I saw my friends again, I explained to them that, as they didn’t know me very well, as demonstrated by me not yet remembering their names, they of course wouldn’t know that I prefer to be outside. Thus, I suggested that we go outside in the open air instead of hanging around inside in a closed space. Then the bartender came back and I told her that I wanted a beer, a good beer one of those traditional ones. She ran off a list and then said, how about a Fighter, there are still a of them left. I’ll have a Fighter, I replied and then I awoke from my dream. I wonder if I’m even employing sarcasm in my dreams to avoid actually getting to the heart of the matter. I’ve noticed that this is another means of preoccupying or diverting myself away from the subject, talking or writing around the it rather than diving straight into it.

The addiction character, played by me is of course of and as me, at least a part of me, one that I have sometimes done battle with - perhaps symbolized sarcastically by the word “fighter” in the dream. In the past, I used to call myself a working or functional alcoholic because I would drink alcohol most nights of the week, never at work or during working hours - hence the term working alcoholic. Drinking was simply how I spent much of my time when I wasn’t cleaning the house, working or taking care of other business. Even my postgraduate and extracurricular studies,  thousands and thousands of hours of them were often done with beer, whisky or wine, sometimes all together and sometimes even with cigar. In looking back, although I was not always necessarily happy or unhappy during those times, I do not recall ever feeling fulfilled. In fact, there were several times in my life when I just dropped a good job or a successful business to search for something more. The problem was that I kept searching for more out there to fulfill me, rather than creating that fulfilment from within.  

Then about ten years ago, when I found Desteni and as I began investigate information about our existence and apply the tools of self-improvement or self creation, I began to realize that perhaps there is in deed more to life and living. It was The Design of Alcohol and Alcoholics that most caught my attention.   Actually, it did more than catch my attention. It presented to me the design of an obstacle, one that  I knew from that moment on would be perhaps the biggest obstacle of my process in this lifetime. Thus, over the years, I investigated, as per “the design’s” advice, pushing myself  to observe and experiment. The first real experiment I did consisted of focusing on the point of drinking and stopping it via mind over matter. Unfortunately, what I didn’t realize at the time was that, in focusing on not drinking (as the positive or opposite polarity in relation to drinking), I was also charging the point of drinking as the negative polarity. Accordingly, one day about 8 or 9 years ago while I was shopping for some food, out of the corner of my eye I saw some beer. I didn’t even attempt to try to stop myself from buying it, because at that point the energy of that polarity had built up to such an extent that I as that entity or personality was already completely consumed and possessed by it. It’s a sly, patient and devious mind of mine, which brings me to another point that I’ve been considering in relation to freedom within control or “structure” which I would also prefer to use instead of the word control.

In considering that the addiction character as a mind entity (like a parasite that is aware and living off the physical body) is within and as me, it is also important for me realize that this entity, perhaps like a personality of the mind, probably has full access to me as mind, perhaps even more that I am aware. As such, there’s no way I’m going to to go to battle (as I did before) with this point because it would be like starting a war within myself, one that no one would win. Why? Because no matter which strategy I employ, short of complete self-honesty, there’ll be a counter strategy to keep me cycling around and around. Thus, my plan is to work with the mind, being and body for the benefit of all of me.

It’s kind of like my approach to dealing with viruses. As viruses are part of what is here within and as, why should I be instructing my body to attack what is within and as me, while voicing words of oneness and equality? This is not to say that strong antibiotics are not sometimes essential to dealing with viruses and physical ailments, but that our sometimes bellicose or warlike approach to dealing with viruses, AI and other designs should perhaps be reconsidered.  In short, when dealing virused in the body (and this is another experiment that I’ve been working on), instead of imagining and/or sounding instructions for one’s immune system to attack the viruses,  perhaps a better approach to sound words or instructions of unity, embracing the viruses and all else within and as the body equally as one from the starting point of cooperating to coexist in a way or form that is best for all. Like so much of this existence, the viruses just want to survive. Herein, the choice is to continue competing, cycling through the stages of winning and losing or to change tactics, changing our starting point from one of opposition to one of cooperation.


As the addiction character within and as me is perhaps an entity, kind of like a virus, it is not to oppose it - as this will just energize it more. Instead it is to… This is my question or quest that I’ll continue investigating as I walk this path of letting go of the secrecy while expanding my self-honesty - which is also an investigation for me.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

The Dream of Being Lost - Part III

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In continuing from “Dream of Being Lost - Part 2”, looking deeper into the points of addiction, while including freedom and control into the mix, I am pushing myself to see in my physical living application to what extent I am able to right  or align myself better to what is best for the physical body, what is best for all.


In relation to alcohol consumption, a sticking point within me that has to do with my past unwillingness to give up my freedom or right to choose to walk and live as I please, my feeling or justification had always been, if I’m not hurting anyone else with my doings, why should I not be free to do as I please? However, in reviewing this particular design, I begin to see, realize and understand via my physical body additional issues relating to alcohol consumption that are getting more difficult to deny. Specifically, there is a point of personal expansion that I have been denying myself, as in the possibility of changing to become what I have been unable to perceive in my imagination. I guess this is because real change as in the expansion of self-expression comes about from walking through the mind, outside of the parameters of its design, thereby presenting us with a wall of darkness that must be walked into and through in order to realize and understand -beyond one’s imagination- the possibilities of self expansion. This unknown of that which does not yet exist is an example I guess of a point of opportunity somewhere in the darkness, like a wall that one must walk into and through to realize our potential by creating the new opportunity by living the unknown.

So, here I am again looking at this pattern/addiction of alcohol consumption. All the energy inside of me is screaming that I should argue for my rights, my freedom to choose, that all I need to do is organize the words and I’ll win the argument for sure. However, another part of me says I’ve done that before and it’s the wrong way to go - winning battles to win a war never manifested me as anything better than I was before. I understand this for sure because I’ve been there before, down that road as the saying goes and it leads nowhere. The way to go, as dark as it seems is easy to see, just walk straight into and through the resistance called energy. Perhaps it is like going into freezing cold water wherein the easiest way is sometimes to jump right in. Herein, let’s have a look a freedom within control.

Interestingly, I've always had issues with this point of freedom as opposed to being caged in and controlled. Within me, there has been so much resistance to changing. It’s an insistence that I maintain (and fight for if need be) my freedom to choose how I live. This resistance as it relates to my right to freely enjoy my beer while sitting outside on a sunny day is a point of self-definition located somewhere in between polarities of freedom and control that I’ve created within me and struggled with for some time. It is a stubbornness justified in the name of freedom. From my point of view, I ought to be able to do anything, as long as it’s from the starting-point of self-expression or self expansion that harms none. That being said, here's the physical reality stating that excessive consumption of alcohol or anything else for that matter is harmful to me. Thus, I realize I must design and live some compromises and this is where Jack, Joe and Veno's Freedom Within Control comes in. Thus, I will focus on this point, writing it out until I’ve resolved it. Additionally, I’m going to do something that I rarely do. I’m going to continue posting these writings on the internet. Why? Because I have come to realize that, eliminating the secrecy of a point that I am working on changing is ninety percent (and sometimes more) of the resistance to living the change. In other words, ninety to ninety-nine percent of the resistance to self-change is created and stored within and as the energy of resistance defined as a fear of exposing one’s weakness, which more than not is actually the harboring of the secret itself. Thus, in exposing one’s secrets, one of the biggest aspects of resistance is often eliminated, leaving the being free to focus on designing and living the change. Furthermore, as an addiction is an addiction, whether it be to alcohol, pornagraphy, masterbation, video games, tabbacco, sugar or other drugs, perhaps a description of this part of my process will assist others. That being said, there is much more that I care to say about the technical aspects of my perspective of the addiction energy entity, but at some point I’ve gotta address the self forgiveness, as this is another point of resistance within me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have the right to choose to live my life without considering what is best for the universe of my physical body equally as one with all of me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as “the freedom to choose” within my parameters of my perceptions, rather than the freedom to choose and decide to expand beyond my perceptions of limitations in each moment of expression  wherein I push through the walls of resistance to expand beyond my perception based routines and habits.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening up points of addiction and putting them out on the internet for fear of exposing who I am and how I’ve been “in secret” instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the biggest problem within and as myself and the rest of humanity isn’t necessarily an addiction to this or that, but an addiction to the point of secrecy itself. Herein, I now realize that, real change begins with the unveiling/elimination of my secrets. And with writing out that, much of the energy of resistance within me just dissipated.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that, what I perceive I like is the best I am able to be, better than the unknown or that which I am unable to perceive.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the lie of believing that it’s better to be dishonest and be perceived as living righteously and having integrity, than it is to  live honestly within/as the integrity of standing honestly as who I am without righteousness. From this point, I commit to live honestly as I am in my process of eliminating the dishonesties/secrets, while pushing myself to change for the better with the primary goal of standing as a point of integrity on the path to understanding oneness, equality and what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should present a picture of myself as unflawed or with as few flaws as possible, without realizing and understanding that perfection is an ongoing, perhaps eternal process of recognizing, addressing and correcting the flaws and this is the journey that I have chosen and decided to walk.
To be continued in my next post

Sunday, May 14, 2017

A Dream of Being Lost - Part II, Analysis

A Dream of Being Lost - Part II
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From writing out part I of A Dream of Being Lost, I’ve been able to pinpoint various fears or energetic definitions of inferiority - that which I’ve been standing in fear of. For example, “out drinking” and “alcoholic” being at the beginning and the end of the dream indicate to me the primary fear that a part of me is pointing out to myself, which I am now in the process of facing by writing/righting it out of the mind to a more organized, more manageable view, my computer screen. In relation to alcohol, even though I’ve  moderated my alcohol consumption as I’ve grown older over the years, I am still  holding onto  a fear of falling back into a pattern of drinking excessively. Herein, an interesting point or lesson that I’ve learned in relation to fear is, that which I fear, if I hold onto it and keep charging it, will eventually manifest into and as my  reality. The reason this fear was coming up over the last couple of weeks had to with my plans to go to the Earthfest, Taiwan music festival for for the weekend. In the past, I had been to these kinds of festivals before and always ended up feeling like shit, driving home and for the next week because I had partied too much and burned myself out. Therefore, in pinpointing the fear, I considered how I was going to release it so not to manifest it as my  reality and instead, go have a fun weekend.

Having written out perhaps over a thousand pages of self-forgiveness and self-commitment/correction statements, I have realized one of many important points. Writing out and sounding self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements assist in releasing the fear energy; however, there is still the point of following through with the commitments in real time physical living so to manifest real change again and again as self trust expands to solidify the changes = self creation as the directive principle. Therefore, after sounding self-forgiveness and commitment statements in relation to this fear, I realized what I required to do was simply a matter of trusting myself to do as I had committed to do. It was actually quite simple: don’t drink too much and make sure I got to bed at a reasonable hour. This is exactly what I did on Friday night and Saturday. Then, on Sunday morning (today) as my old and new friends were having their beer breakfast, I was packing up my gear and getting ready to drive home, wash clothes, do some writing and take a walk. To sum it up, as with so many things I participate with in this world, including breathing polluted air and eating potato chips, not all of fun things are what’s best for my body. Thus, my goal is to manage myself in/as awareness of how I’m standing and this requires self-trust that I will in deed live my commitments as the directive principle determining in the moment who/how I am. In conclusion on this point, this weekend was a successful opportunity to do just that, build self trust within to create myself as the understanding that I am able to remain the directive principle even when surrounded by temptation.
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There is still some more points to look at from this dream and I will do that in part III

Monday, May 8, 2017

A Dream of Being Lost - Part I

In this dream, I had been out drinking somewhere and then I found myself trying to get back home, but I was lost. I wanted to go back to Taoyuan city, the place I’ve called home for many years now. So, I got on the back of rickshaw and the driver peddled his three wheeled cycle all over the place, but he didn’t take me home and I didn’t know where I was. In the next scene, a large angry man was confronting me as though I had done something to him or one of his friends who were standing behind him. I was frightened that he would hit me and I imagined having to hit him back and try to escape - not what I wanted to do. I started to speak and then as though to say, “not another word,” he raised his hand in the air as though he were contemplating hitting me. In the next scene, I was being chased. I ran into a shop and locked the door behind me. The shopkeeper offered no help to me and called the police. On the phone, it seemed as though the police were willing to come and help me, but they had no idea where I was and I was unable to tell them because I didn’t know, either. Then, I was walking with the phone and though the police stayed on the line for a long time, they finally had to go and I was once again alone. The last thing I heard from them were a series of numbers that I guessed were GPS coordinates that I could put into my phone to help my find my way home, but there were too many numbers for me to remember and once again I was lost and alone. Then I came upon a group of people building homes that looked very expensive and secure. These people seemed to be of high status or class, beautiful, almost perfect looking. One woman asked me what I did (meaning, what was my position in life). Thinking that they would be more likely to give me a ride if they thought I were of high status, I told them I was a professor at a local university - even though my job classification is Special Projects Instructor, kind of like a hire and fire at will position. The same woman said that they were Bahal (or Baha'i, of a religion I guess) and then she asked me why I didn’t like (the name of another religion).  I said, because I don’t believe in anything. I wanted to give her an explanation on this, but another woman chimed in as though it saddened her,  like she were going to cry. You’re just an alcoholic, she said. To that I replied, you got it right, you’re a smart one. And then I awoke. As a lot is opening up here, I will analyse this dream in the next post, part II

Monday, May 1, 2017

Obsessing over Perfection in Judgments of Comparison

Do I sometimes get obsessed, possessed or am I just or practical when it comes to buying stuff? I don’t recall exactly when I began to insist upon only (for the best for the money of course), but I guess it has to do with attempting to avoid buyer's regret. In some ways I appreciate this character trait, while in other ways it is often a hassle for me complete even the simplest of purchases. Perhaps, the hassle part is somewhat of an overstatement; for, I do sometimes enjoy the process of researching to buy something, at least when I have the time. However, I also realize that, there’s  a line between practical considerations and obsessing over getting the purchases right the first time.

For example, over the last few weeks, I had been considering which smartphone mount to buy for my new motorcycle. Now, the new motorscooter is in itself a whole other story wherein I could have bought one  months or a couple of years ago if didn’t “have to” research everything about the latest in scooters in order to be certain that I was getting the most suitable motorcycle for my needs and desires, one that I would be satisfied with for at least the next ten to twenty years. Thankfully I’m still satisfied with the one I purchased a few months ago. However, rarely does a day go by that I don’t look at other motorcycles in a form of comparison questioning to reassure myself that I  bought the correct/best one for me.

As for the smartphone mount, I initially bought one at Costco for about $33.00 because I had planned to use Google Maps on the scooter very soon. Still, I wasn’t sure if it were the one that I really wanted, so I didn’t even unpack it while I followed up on another option. The other option consisted of letting a local Yamaha dealer/mechanic handle the whole thing for me, including purchasing and installing it - total cost $66,00. I figured that, as these guys seemed to have the coolest add ons for their scooters, they would probably be using the best. Unfortunately, the best for them I guess was a mount that only supported Iphone 6. Therefore, when it came to using my Samsung, I ended up having buying an additional hard case and using 3M VHB adhesive tape to adhere the case of my phone to the lock which secured it onto the motorcycle mount with nothing more than a strip of strong adhesive tape. I turns out that, the back of my new case was just a piece of plastic, glued onto more plastic. Even though the motorcycle guy assured me that it would be secure, I didn’t consider it very safe. I’ve heard such assurances before and often ended up paying for my faith in them - either in worrying about something happening or something really happening. Thus, after only two days, I decided to try out the I had bought at Costco, which cost only half the price. As it turns out, that one works fine, looks better and is waterproof. Total cost for both mounts, $99.00 instead of $33.00.

I’m not beating myself up over the money, yet I consider I have a slight problem. Is it that I’m not deliberate or detailed enough when it comes to researching and buying something or is it that I’m too fastidious when it comes to the things I’ve bought? BTW, the $7.00 ones at the local hardware stores seem to do almost exactly the same thing.

In minding this point, the self-judgment that comes up is, I didn’t follow the simple logical steps of decision making. In other words, as the Costco product is easily returnable even after I’ve tried it out, I should have first, at least tried it out. Furthermore, having to use adhesive tape between my phone and the mount should have been a red flag  that I noticed right away. Am I getting slower, is my mind not what it used to be, or do I just not care that much anymore about such things - which is kind of the way I’d like to be, as in not so concerned or preoccupied with the little things.

Therefore, I have been directing myself as of late, to be less fastidious, letting the little things go while focusing on my priorities. For example, nowadays when I visit my partner in our home in the north of the island, I don’t nag her as I used to  about a few dirty dishes being left in the sink or the floor not being swept. Instead, I simply wash the dishes and sweep the floor. In the same way, I’ve directed myself to stop cleaning and organizing things all the time around my apartment. This has reduced the amount of time I spend tidying up my apartment, yet it has also let to a slightly messier apartment. What is the best way to be; where do I set my standards for doing things?

The answer is clear: it’s not about the things that I buy, the layout, cleanliness or quality of my environment, but who I am in relation my environment. There are too many variables, too much information for me to realistically ensure that every decision I make will lead to the best outcome in hopes of being perfectly equipped and having perfect surroundings. However, I am able to remain constant in determining who I am in relation to everything and not participate in judgment so not to fall into The Trap of Comparison. I redefine for myself the word, comparison. In terms of people, comparison is to look for the strengths and/or potential in others and bring these points back to myself as examples of how to better myself. In terms of products, comparison is to look for the strength and weaknesses for the purpose of understanding things better.

I see that there’s never going to be absolute certainty other than in that I am always able to stop participating in energetic definitions or judgments of the things that I buy and use. Herein, it’s all about letting go of my perceptions.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about buying and/or having items that are less than the best that I am able to purchase, instead of committing to determine my actual needs, doing reasonable research on what will fit those needs and buying with the certainty that I will not judge myself once it’s done.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stuck with something, as i’ve judged myself to be stuck with a second smartphone mount that I’m probably not going to use unless I buy an Iphone.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being thorough or diligent enough in researching and buying things.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over decisions of which product to buy, in reaction to the fear of being stuck with products that I’ve judged to be less than the best.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare/judg things  that I bought or could buy, instead of letting go of the energetic judgments and using comparison to assist me in making decisions based on the strengths and weaknesses of the products.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not wanting to be wasteful; therein fearing being stuck with products that I have bought.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as having to live with something once I’ve bought, because I define buying another as wasteful.
I now see that, in buying stuff, there is no guarantee that I will get the best product for my needs. However, I am able to stop participating in self judgments in relation having bought or not having made the best decision. And this is what I’m going to do - stop judging myself. Additionally, I’m changing myself within and as the word, comparison. In terms of people, comparison is to look for the strengths and/or potential in others and bring these points back to myself as examples of how to better myself. In terms of products, comparison is to look for the strength and weaknesses for the purpose of understanding things better.


Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Being Outside as Opposed to being Inside

Image result for prison cell window looking outside
Over the weekend, on Sunday I had planned to input midterm grades into the school information system. However, as the system was down, I didn’t do that. Then, for a moment I considered writing, but I didn’t because I thought, “I have nothing to write about.” Of course I was wrong on this point. There are always points to write about. Sometimes for me, it’s simply a matter of wandering about with the written word, as I am now, until I come upon something that stands out, pointed out in some cases by the words I’ve written and in other cases by the words I’ve omitted - that which I don’t care to write about.

Today, if I were going to write about such points, the words would paint a picture of a pattern that I’ve been going back into or perhaps have never even left. It has to do with being outside or getting out as opposed to staying inside the house. Once again, I find myself not wanting to go home, not wanting to be inside  during too much of the daytime. In looking at what being inside during the daytime, represents to me, there is a picture of me in front of the computer, as though to say, “not again, enough is enough.” There is also the feeling of being locked up, which used to be my greatest fear until I realized that I hold the keys to myself.

To be fair to this perspective or personality, I have spent a lot of time in front of the computer, too much time I reckon. Ah, but look what the word “personality” points out. It’s a program or a pattern that I’ve been living out. Thus, it’s not about whether I’m inside or out, but the polarity by which I’ve defined myself in relation to being inside wasting my life away in front of a computer or outside walking through the city, the mountainsides and sometimes having a beer at the top of the hill or somewhere after a walk.
The polarized definition of being inside as opposed to being outside: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as the polarities of being inside or out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see/realize and understand that, whether I see outside of the house or apartment, I’m still looking to see from the within to the without. It’s only when writing, that I’m looking into me to see the points within me that I place outside of me (in words) see the patterns. Herein I see that, the image/imagination of me being inside in front of a computer represents an obligation to look into me, write the words out to see the points as patterns/programs that I’ve been repeating. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself blame not wanting to be in front of a computer for my not wanting to be inside, instead of seeing/realizing that my not wanting to be inside was not wanting to look into me, defined as an obligation or responsibility.  So in picking this up later on, I realized that, as the title implies, I seem to have preferences. For example, when conversations are taking place physically in front of me, I often prefer being on the inside, participating. However, when it comes larger groups of people, I tend to stay more on the outside so as not to feel so complicated, which is strange because I also tend to complicate so many things, even the simplest of them.

What I’ve been doing these day, more and more as part of my personal process of changing myself, is to look at points for the purpose of pinpointing the origin of patterns I’ve been participating in (as far as I’m actually able to deal with them), and then stopping the pattern to change myself physically in real time by stopping the pattern in real time. For example, in the classroom, I realized that I had been giving certain categories of students far more attention than others. Thus, as a point of equality to stand equally in relation to all of my students, I have decided to push myself to equalize my relationships with my students by equalizing the attention I place on them in physical movements in real time. What’s interesting is that, in focusing on my physical movements, I’ve also been cutting down on the mental participation by just saying no to the invitation of mental stimulation. It’s a process of self-change and it is not immediate, but it is working, which brings me back to being outside as opposed to being inside. I Will write more on this next time.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Correcting Corrupted Commitments

Image result for desteni, a virus free mind

In the last couple of months, I have written some posts relating to commitments and my fickleness in address them. Here, I would like to like to close this subject out some clarification and a written commitment in relation to making commitments.

A common theme associated with the thought of making a “commitment”, as far back as I remember is that, I had defined it in a negative sense, as though someone or something else out there would be putting pressure on me in the form of expectations, dependency or need. Thus, whenever it came to commitments, whenever I made them in relation to others, I would often speak words, deceptively designed to get what I wanted out of the deal, often  appearing as though I I were making an agreement, while in reality, my words contained conditions as getaway routes for me. I am speaking only of the words of so-called commitments I spoke, not the words of commitments I wrote. We tend to hear what we want to hear.

The case in point that I’m mainly speaking/writing of here, has to deal with my commitment to do extra work for the university. It is work that I wanted to do and would like to continue doing. Moreover, I didn’t want them to give this particular work to anyone else.  However, I have also come to realize that, work around here can pile up very quickly. Thus, when it came to committing to do the work, I specifically chose to “speak” words containing conditions, rather than “write” them down. Thus, from my perspective, on the surface I was being honest in stating my conditions. However, when I brought this point back to me to take complete responsibility for and direct it, I realized that as my starting point commitment included a point of deception, that one point of deception ended up corrupting the entirety of the agreement in relation to others.

Thus, in looking at my history of committing with sounds meant to deceive, I see that in attempting to manipulate others, I had only been deceiving myself. For example, last semester when my mom passed away, I ended up having to slow down and take some time off. From my perspective, this was Ok because I had specifically conditioned my “verbal” agreement to account for such a situation. However, as there was nothing in writing, I had little to say in reply to accusations that I had promised to do this work, period. In other words, in verbalizing my commitments conditioned with reasonable exceptions hidden in my sentences, I ended up corrupting my starting point with deception, thereby sentencing myself by own deception. Specifically, in choosing not to write out my and specify my commitment (opting instead for a little deception),  I ended up denying myself  (and others) a written record of my commitment - that would have included the conditions of my commitment.  Thus, whereas I had believed I was manipulating others by talking duplicitously, I was in reality only manipulating myself. Of this point, I now see/realize that, in all cases the best way for me to address and deal with any kind of commitment is to write it down as specifically as possible. Herein, the next time I find myself at a point of communicating the extent of my commitment or commitments, I commit to communicate self-honesty in writing, specifying the extent of my commitment including any conditions or reservations that I may have.