Monday, August 19, 2019

Dreaming of Potential

A couple nights ago, just before I was about to fall asleep, I asked the question, where am I now? Actually, it was more like a “Where the hell am I and what the hell am I doing here?” undercurrent experience of impatience or restlessness - kind of like the way an impatient child will ask  again and again, are we there yet, how much more time until we arrive? And with that question, I found myself looking at what appeared to be a somewhat spherical cloud-like shape floating in the center of me. As I paused for a moment to examine this thing, the point that I found most interesting and even somewhat concerning was its lack of any defining statement or position, like a nothingness just kind of floating in the center of me. I’m like, that’s it, there’s nothing more? And then I fell asleep and had a dream.

In the dream, I was on a bus with a group of people traveling through an area that reminded me of the countryside of parts of Central America. We had made a stop or something like that and somehow gotten involved with another group of people. Perhaps they were just locals, but in looking back, the scene reminds me of a rebel base in the fields with people who had lots of different kinds of guns that they would fire off occasionally just for fun.  As the night turned to dawn, some of us that hadn’t already left began heading back through the field, back to the bus I guess.

However, as we were climbing out of a small ravine onto the road, one of the people I was with put his weapon, like an Uzi submachine gun, but with a steel box attached to one side of it, out onto the road above him so that he could use both hands to hoist himself up onto the road. Thinking to myself, what the hell is he doing putting that weapon out there in plain sight, I said to him, “hey, what are you doing putting that thing out there for everyone to see?” At that same moment, a pickup truck screeched to a stop a half a meter in front of us as though to block any chance of escape.  As I looked around us at the bigger picture, I saw the entire area swarming with police or soldiers rounding people up. Immediately, I assessed the possibility of escape by visualizing two possible scenarios and even though my odds we’re very low, I knew from instinct that I had to go for it because it was probably the best chance would get. In other words, I knew that the best time to escape, when the odds for success are the highest, is always, always before you get captured. Then, I awoke.

And now after analyzing this dream again and again via many iterations of this post, I begin to see the significance of my question as well as the answer. The weapons symbolize the abusive use of words (the greatest creative force/power in existence used as weapons or swords to harm instead of tools in support of each one’s potential), wherein an aspect of me still fears abusing (as I have in the past) this tool that was specifically placed here for us to create with) or even accidently kind of messing things up. This is actually a point of self-trust that I’m working on or walking. It’s funny; it  just occurred to me, the reason I always want to scream out, “can’t you see the writing on the wall, right in front of us?” is of a desire to have others take responsibility where we fear to, which I guess is also a prominent point in most people’s personal processes. So I’m not going to go into my rant on the code of the words of the symbols of the sound of creation… Really though, if you look hard enough and investigate long enough, it’s so easy to see the deception as well as the extent to which we’ve separated ourselves from the source of ourselves to the point that it’s kind of scary, because no matter how often I rearrange the words, the deception in the form of symbols in formations of words sentencing me/us to that which we’ve created via the word is still right in front of me within and as the words I intend to write right. Hah! And this is why it’s not enough to just rearrange the words, why it’s also necessary to redefine them.

Moving on. As for the question, “what the hell am I doing here…” that I've often asked myself, while I don’t recall seeing very many cloud-like blobs, I  would answer it shortly in this way. I’m “here” and I’m also still “there” as a trinity of the mind/being/body universe in the process of understanding oneness, equality, what is best for all within and as my bubble of life/source/substance potential. It really is like the opportunity of a lifetime. Additionally, I would say that the cloudlike substance of blah or nothingness represents the source/substance of life within and as which we as beings of potential are able to design and birth ourselves as life anew.

It’s way cool because it’s like each one of us (equally as one creating the whole) have the unique opportunity to decide, as per each one’s design of self (via the process of self-creation) who/how each is going to stand going into this next stage, cycle, age (or whatever you wanna call it)  of existence. The thing is, I'm fairly certain that there’s a catch, like a firewall I guess you could say. I think Jesus referred to it as the eye of the needle. Just imagine what safeguards or failsafe requirements would have had to be designed into this existence (before in the beginning as “the word”) in order to ensure that no-one not standing equally for and as all the life of this existence would have too much access?  Even though Jesus referred to this point as getting through the eye of the needle (metaphorically speaking for people of a different era), I think we could perhaps update this metaphor in consideration of modern technology, automated intelligence and so on. 

In getting back to my dream, I guess I as life (except for this tiny speck or cloud of potential) do not really exist - at least not yet. And this is I also guess what I, as a possibility or potential of life was looking at, my state of evolution as life so to speak, as a potential of life. In short, the way I view where I am right now, is in the process of creating myself anew as life. Or at least attempting to create myself as a new (and improved) life form of an existence that we (as one) semi-automated a long time ago (going back perhaps to the origins of AI and consciousness as lifeforms of Automated Intelligence) so as to facilitate the creation process while also ensuring (as best we were able) that the life of existence as a whole would not be corrupted by (lol) rogue actors or programs - I guess you could say.

Well, I guess that last condition may not have worked out as well as planned. Or perhaps it did; either way, this is also why I guess additional contingencies were put into place to begin with before we entered into and as existence as a whole - before the beginning. I’ll write more on this, as from my perspective (of beginning to see/realize my own deceptions within and as my word) it really isn’t a secret anymore, nor do I think this point should ever again be. Have a look. In order to see what was as who or how we have been since the beginning of and as “the word”, look no further than what is as who or how we still are as the words we are still using (often without understanding) to create with. For the most part, I guess only the pictures have changed.  Yet, as I see it, this is now changing, too - for the better, maybe.

So in getting back, back to my dream, as the dream has only to do with my perspective, the fact that there were so many weapons (or harmful words) and that the last part of my dream entailed me going into escape mode tells me (in short) that I’m still not yet ready to hatch into and as life. Not because I don’t want to, but because I have not yet proven to myself (as the gatekeeper of my very own eye of the needle) beyond a shadow of a doubt that I (as I am currently standing) am worthy of standing equally as one with all life (with complete access to all life). It always comes back to self-trust because this is the one place from which no one is able to hide - ourselves. I am working on this point and I’m glad to see that I as various forms of awareness are cooperating much better than before, essentially I guess in the process of  understanding what is here and standing in all ways as is best for all - every awareness, everywhere.    

Monday, August 12, 2019

Some corrections to my definition of Honor

For some time now, I’ve been working on explaining how and why we human beings came to be equipped with an AI that eventually became conscious, I think therefore I am and all that sort of stuff, where we’re heading as a race and how we might better ensure that the path we’re on is a path that really is best for all… Stuff like that.

Needless to say it’s a challenging task; however, what really gets me isn’t the isn’t a lack of relevant information, but the absence of language specific knowledge and/or skills with which to write it out the solutions into balanced equations of word. In other words, while I usually have my ideas on what I intend to write, actually writing it out in a balanced equation of words (aligned to my intentions) is difficult for me.

It’s as though I’m attempting to write that which I know, but have yet to walk, which is perhaps why I often find points very difficult to write out. The knowing within me says, I got this, it needs to be done and I can do it… And then as I begin typing out the words and I begin to notice the duplicity and deception in the words I’m writing (no matter how much I focus on balancing the equations), I still end up seeing once again the necessity of redefining words to a specificity that leaves no room for interpretations other than that which is completely aligned with the substance I intended to communicate. Which means that, instead of discussing AI today, I think I’ll just continue with the word, honor. LOL

In some of my previous posts, I had written about what honor signified to me and how I was in the process of redefining this word to a non polarized living word to use as part of the process of changing myself to stand in all ways as is best for all.  So I designed a method wherein I would intertwine the image of myself with that of my perception of others as a means of reminding myself to relate or do unto them as I would have others do unto me. For example, whereas in the past, I would simply imagine how I was best able to stand in relation to other people based on my judgments of their situations, I began experimenting with projecting my self-image onto them (or at least some of the ones that I focused on) to include the image of myself within and as my perception of them, in a sense, imagining myself standing equally as one with them in their shoes in the hopes of having a reminder as well as some incentive to stand honorably in relation to them.

Honestly, I really thought I had this point down because it seemed so easy. In imagining an image of myself and intertwining it with my perception of another, it just felt natural to treat that person with extra kindness, and there was zero resistance from my mind. In hindsight, that should have been a flag point right there because, during my personal process, I don’t think I’ve ever walked through to a point of real change without having to walk through resistance from my mind consciousness system. I guess the reason it seemed so easy without resistance was because, in projecting my image onto another for the purpose of doing unto another as I would have another do unto me, I was basically still catering to the self-interest of my ego.  So, back to the drawing or design board.

Whereas some words are easier for me, the word, honor has been quite agonizing for me. I guess this is because it’s been such a prominent point for me, misdefined unfortunately, and this is what I’m here to change.

Here is my new definition of honor and honorable, which I also write practical examples for and test it out. 
     Honor: The  value of life that I live as a matter of respect in relation to all points of life (of which I am aware) by recognizing each point as a unique  perspective of life and respecting it specifically for its uniqueness, by standing  in relation to all perspectives equally as I care to have all perspectives stand in relation to my perspective.
     Honorable: the ability to live the value of life as a matter of respect in relation to all points of life (of which one is aware) by recognizing each point as a unique  perspective of life and respecting it specifically for that uniqueness by standing  in relation to all perspectives equally as one cares to have all perspectives stand in relation to its perspective.

Monday, July 29, 2019

Redefining Honor and Respect

I’m still working on redefining the words honor, respect and integrity. They seem to all be connected; for every time I modify the definition of one, I find myself having to modify the others. Recently, I utilized several hours working with these words, playing with them, almost like experimenting with the contents of an equation in search of creating balance or equilibrium. It’s like I’m looking for the perfect formula or combinations of words to ensure that my sentences will (for lack of a better phrase) stand the test of time - rather than further sentencing me to it. I do have better phrases with words such as equality, oneness and what is best for all, which I enjoy using because they’re balanced eternally in one direction. However, without actually grounding the definitions with practical examples of ways that I’m able to apply these words (without having to think about it as I’m moving moment to moment), I’ve found it to be more difficult to  use them when attempting to overwrite or override the old programming. Thus, I’m including them in this post in order to (I guess you could say) mark this point as the point in my process wherein I’ve actually come to realize the importance of including practical examples with the words that I redefine - in addition to the practical examples I include in my commitment statements. Still a work in progress, this is what I have so far for the words honor and respect:
      The ability of each one of us (as unique location-points or awarenesses of the whole) to stand as a point of respect for all life (in all forms) as best we are able by standing as we would care to have all stand in relation to our unique location points. For example:
      At work: instead of looking out for threats and assessing risks and opportunities in relation to others, I am able to live the word honor by bringing all respective points of perception back to myself for self-introspection and self-correction, firstly by identifying and letting go of all judgment (brushing it aside and dropping it from myself) to then expand my awareness of others within my environment by including the image of myself (as though I were looking through their eyes at myself talking to them) to then determine how best I am able to live honorably by relating to them as I would relate if I  really were standing with them in their shoes.
      In going shopping and getting things done outside: as I am moving through reality, passing by and/or interacting with people, animals and even inanimate objects (of different location points of awareness), instead of accepting and allowing myself to stand individually as a point of perceived separation projecting my self-definitions onto them, I am able to live the word honor by bringing all respective points of perception back to myself for self-introspection and self-correction by identifying and letting go of all judgments to then expand my awareness or consideration to various points of my environment as best I am able by including  the image of myself standing equally as one with my perceptions of them as points of my environment (as though I am also standing equally as one with them - in their shoes) to essentially facilitate the process of deciding how best to stand as the word honor by honoring all points of life as though I would honor myself.
      The process of self-honestly bringing all points of perception back to myself (from the within to the without) to reinspect myself (as a point of self-respect) by checking for  definitions that do not support me to stand as best I am able in relation to all, from which point I am then able to let go of such definitions and live (redefined) words in support of all by standing in relation to all as I would have all stand in relation to me. For example:
What’s new here for me is the way I’m now experimenting essentially with standing in the shoes of another. For example, whereas in the past, I would simply imagine how I was best able to stand in relation to other people based on my judgments of their situations, I’m now experimenting with projecting my self-image onto them (or at least some of the ones that I focus on) to include the image of myself within and as my perception of them to in a sense imagine myself standing equally as one with them in their shoes.

Sunday, July 14, 2019

Continuing with the word, Honor

The Future of Consciousness
Honor, when I look at this word, honor, the words arm (as a verb), armor, shield and coat of arms come up. While I do have an idea why these words come up and I want to write this out, I’m also somewhat resistant to write it. It’s almost as though in writing this out, the mystique that I’ve attached to this point and defined myself by for so long could all disappear, leaving me with… Not yet a clean slate, but another step taken in the direction of undefining myself. So I now see how I had misused and abused the word, honor, and as a knowing I get it or at least I think I get it. However, I’m  still going to write this out, just to kind of like get it out of me. Besides, everything else that I started writing this week turned out to be but pages of words winding round as though I were coming to a conclusion, only to find myself in the same old infinity trap - right is wrong, good is bad, you are me and everything is actually ONE AND THE SAME - which I’m pretty sure is actually the case with existence, except for the file number, coordinates or signature of each one’s location-point/awareness/perspective or viewpoint. That’s why there’s never been and never will be any escape from here: you can never escape what you are,  leaving all with no choice but to change who/how we are.

A long long time ago, I guess about 46-47 years ago when I was about 8, 9 or 10, I remember walking on the road near my home in a small town called Chester New Jersey. I was angry (in a spoiled bratty way) that I would be disrespected and mistreated to such an extent as to be placed in such a poor (financially speaking) family, that was also kind of broken. With a mother who had five other children besides me to look after and certainly didn’t feel the need to cater to my every whim, I felt not only very out of place, but also very vulnerable, exposed, trapped and alone. In looking at myself, my mother, my brothers and sisters, it was as though a mistake had been made. For I could see of our stature (for lack of a better word) that we  just did not fit into the lower class theme that we were in. Honestly, even back then, I really just wanted a normal life, to feel safe and secure and (in looking back) I guess I could also say, to not have to fight for everything.

It’s strange because this particular memory of me complaining to the voices in my head also seems to be merged with another prominent memory of me asking how we got here. And I kind of like this story (of  me imagining a big blue blob that decided to separate into a gazillion pieces, go fourth in the search for more and eventually return) because many years later I would connect  that blue blob with additional dots of information to build upon in my search for answers. Actually, I still do quite enjoy gathering information,  discarding  the non-essential bits (perhaps those which don’t fit my story line - lol) and storing it in an effort to piece together bit by bit the story of our existence. However, I’ve also begun to realize that the real challenge or real story is not going to be written based on finding answers out there, but in creating them within and as ourselves, as “all” that is here by changing ourselves to change what is here. As a side note, is an awesome place to go for perspectives on questions from The Secret History of the Universe to Demons in the Afterlife for  those who want answers and the tools to find or create them.

So in continuing looking inwords into myself, I really felt that I was far far too high of a being, spirit or soul (whatever it was I called myself back then) to have been placed in such a lowly situation. It was beneath me, dishonoring and downright insulting as far as I was concerned, even as a child. Which, as an adult, begs the question, how and why would I even come up with such notions?

The next point that comes up in relation to this point of honor is of certain recurring dreams that I used to have as a child. Perhaps I also viewed certain dreams back then as though they were memories; I think I  did, for I still do to an extent. The essence of these dreams (as with most of my dreams back then) were violent, very violent. All around me it seemed as though a sea of red clothed bodies were just hacking away at other bodies attempting to avoid being hacked and chopped up by battle axes, blocking the attacks with our shields, thrusting with our swords and just hacking and hacking away. And you couldn’t just hack once, you had to do it again and again and then on to the next. It felt like I had to fight so hard, every once of strength had to be utilized and every move was a struggle just to stay alive. There wasn’t fear, there wasn’t anger, just complete focus on fighting. From these dreams and of course all the other information that I absorbed like a sponge, when I would look at the point of previous lives, I just assumed (and believed that I had always been a soldier and was very good at what I did.

The next point that comes up is the family coat of arms that I grew up with (see below). I found a picture of it on the internet and although the color hues are different than the one that was hanging in the playroom of my childhood home, it’s the same one.  The crane symbolizes vigilancia or vigilance. As the legend or story goes (as per my mom and my memory of the story she once told or wrote about), the cranes on the banks of the Nile river would sound the alarm whenever a Nile crocodile was approaching, hence the symbolism of vigilance I guess. The stone it appears to be holding is also symbolic; however, I don’t seem to have a memory for that one yet.  The reason I say “yet” is because I’m fairly certain I could probably pull one up, make one up or imagine something that sounds reasonable, lol, really.  In the absence of truth as an understanding of the standard by which to measure one’s understanding of everything else, is there really any certainty or understanding of anything at all? 

The castle walls behind the crane refer to the castle of Carini, Sciliy and it’s still there. The thing is (and I’m not sure whether this was before, during or after my mother’s many words on the subject of my father’s family history) I also had quite a few dreams involving a castle or what seemed to be a big house or fortress made of big rocks. Some of those dreams had to do with treachery, betrayal and an unforgiving code of honor, which until several years ago, as part of my personal process, I had not forgiven myself for and even lived in fear of reliving that horror - that I had experienced in my dream, which I believed was possibly a memory. All because of what; the sins of the fathers (as a form of DNA based memories), my mother’s stories of my father’s lineage, the heaven existence fucking with me, or has it all just been of my imagination?  

The red cloak is of course it’s a reference to Roman patronage. As the story goes, as I’ve interpreted it, the family were very good fighters, distinguishing themselves to such an extent that they were given a castle and princedom for their service to Rome. Furthermore, when I look into that red helmet and the emblem surrounding it, it’s as though another line of imagination (also connected to dreams and other information as dots of information) begins to emerge going back beyond the current human timeline to a time when creatures (human-like but not like we are now) also roamed the earth. Btw, in one of my dreams, I remember going down the stone stairs into the basement (or whatever it’s called) of a castle and hiding a ring and some other stuff behind one of the stones in the wall.

As a child, I didn’t just have dreams of fighting in Roman wars, I also had dreams time and time again of nuclear holocaust, devastation the likes that Hollywood wasn’t even able to depict back in those days. I guess I could have read about that kind of stuff in books, but I don’t think that’s where the information came from because if it was, I would have location points (of origin) connecting to those dots or information.

There’s no way (that I’m aware of) to really be certain what of the past ever actually manifested in physical reality, what was of pure energy and was perhaps a mix of substance and energy intertwined or interwoven to give us what we call physicality. I’m not even certain exactly why I’m writing this out now. I guess it’s to better understand or comprehend how and why I came to define honor as the armor or coat of arms that I had to protect in return for the protection I believed it afforded me - something like that.

So an interesting thing just happened, especially given all this talk about dreams. I took a break for about an hour and a half to have my regular afternoon nap. Yea, these days, I usually have a nap in the afternoon for about 40 minutes to 1 ½ hours. And just before waking, I found myself in my childhood home talking with my older brother Jim, my older sister Trish and my younger brother Paul. Then suddenly I said to them: something’s not right here, mom sold this house a long time ago and she’s no longer with us, gone to the other side, crossed over, so this can’t be real. Then I started explaining, this can’t be the physical reality, it must be a dream. And just as I was saying that sentence, I looked for one of my brothers and he was gone. Oh c'mon, I said. For even as I was calling out the dream for being a dream, a part of me still viewed it as reality and wanted it to be so. The others also disappeared and then I woke up.

In writing this out, it's not about the definitions of myself being right or wrong, but about writing them all out of myself in order to decide what to keep, what to discard and what to redefine. I’ll finish up this post here and most likely continue on the subject in another posts.

Saturday, July 6, 2019

Removing the Armor from my definition of Honor

For quite some time now, I’ve been investigating my relation to the words criticism and accuse. In looking back at my memories of instances  when I felt I was being blamed, criticized, accused or singled out in ways that I thought might negatively impact  other people’s perceptions of me, I noticed in such cases that I would almost always feel as though I were being threatened or attacked.

To dare to even question me in relation to a misdeed or insinuate that I was the perpetrator or complicit in it was a big deal for me. Anything that I felt “made me” less than how I identified myself and wanted others to identify me as, left me with no choice (or so I thought) but to defend myself in any way I could, which for me, usually meant counterattacking. Although as a very young child, I didn’t yet have the vocabulary to name this word, I now see that even back then, it was always about honor for me. I hated having my honor questioned, but the worst thing, as I recall was when someone called me an idiot or said I was stupid. Honor, as I perceived it was all I had, it was how I identified myself, it was something I had to protect, it was something worth dying for and as I recall, it was the way I imagined myself dying - with honor in front of a firing squad to be precise.

One time in returning home from high school for summer break from the military boarding school, the one place I seemed to naturally excel at, my best friend told me that one of my neighbors had accused me of hammering holes in his rowboat. Even though I knew I hadn’t done it and that there wouldn’t be anyone coming for me, there was no way I was going to leave such an accusation uncontested and un retracted while I was still breathing. Determined to have this man retract his accusation, I went with my friend to speak to him face to face. To my chagrin and my surprise, he looked me in the eyes and said, “I know it was you because I saw you running away that night.” Even though I knew he was wrong, I also knew he wasn’t lying (about what he thought he saw) and therefore instead of begrudging him or feeling threatened by him, I respected him for his honorable stand. But that didn’t change the fact that I still had to clear my name as a matter of honor. So I charged that point predominantly in the right side of my conscious mind with instructions to reopen and investigate this point every time I returned to that town and never let it go until I cleared my name.

 Sometimes, I bemoan my lack of conscious access to memories of past lives, but deep down inside I’m grateful not to have that weight to bear. Yet even without the memories of the past, the “who I am” undercurrents of the present tell the story of how we’ve been and still are, forever cursing us to exist as the past until each one of us stop and change who we are in the present, as the present opportunity to no longer exist as the past and finally begin anew.

Although it took a few years, I finally did track down the culprit who had hammered holes in the neighbor’s boat. I returned to the neighbor’s son this time (I guess because the father was sick or had died) with a name and the name of a supporting witness to clear my name. Nevertheless, I still couldn’t get a retraction, not even an apology for accusing me; and this point, the end of the cycle in the design of the “Who am I” undercurrent, as the polarized word, accused within and as a mind consciousness system  only served to reinforce the definition of myself as that polarized word.

Another word that I used to react to in the same way, as though I were being threatened and/or attacked is the word, criticized. For example, any time someone questioned me about the work I did or a decision I made (especially in the work environment), I would react internally as though my job and livelihood were being threatened. Of course I had become good over the years at overriding my internal reactions to relax my facial muscles, moderate my words as well as the tonality of my words, but underneath the poker face, I used to really feel threatened, even for little things such as comments or simple questions about my handling of something.

So, after investigating these words (accused, accusation, criticism and criticized) for quite some time now, writing out prominent memories, doing mind constructs based on those memories, writing self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, redefining criticism (to a non-polarized supportive definition, essentially a living word), I finally noticed or pinpointed the root or even the seed called honor.

Honestly, I would like to close this out right now with a clear, concise and happy ending; however, as I just recently realized where this has all been stemming from, I think it’s probably best for me finish walking these words while also focusing on the word, honor.

It's a work in progress, as I am, as I guess we all are; so here are some examples of the self-forgiveness that I’m writing (in relation to the words accused and criticized) with the added intention of changing myself as the word, honor - which I now realize I definitely require to redefine.

Polarized word: accused
     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word accused within and as a fear of being dishonored or disarmed and left vulnerable to attack (as a result of being accused) rather than as a point of opportunity to see/hear the perspectives of others and check my standing by considering their perspectives and why I would be the target of their blame, herein practicing physical stability and self-introspection by standing unconditionally, without armor, humbly in the face of blame, accusations and/or praise to see/hear the perspectives of others in order to consider them as well as myself so as to determine how best to stand in relation to them/all.
     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define accusations or blame targeted at me as though they were attacks against me (capable of diminishing my standing, who I am and the identity I project) rather than the perspectives of others for me to unconditionally consider in order to determine how to better stand in relation to everyone.
     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who/how I am as an identity based on and created by the words of others used in relation to me as I perceived them to mean, rather than the sum total of the words that I have defined or redefined and lived into and as a sound standing. Herein, I now see that who/how I am is simply the accumulation of words that I lived.
     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being accused and/or blamed, as an assault against me intended to disarm me (for the purpose of defeating me) rather than a sharing of perspectives by another/others of their standing in view of me for me to see, hear and consider in order to determine how best to stand in relation to them.
     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and charge the word accused from a starting point of fear within and as the image of me being made defenseless or vulnerable (without my armor of honor) by the accusations of another/others, rather than simply a display or an announcement of the perspectives of others in relation to me offering me an opportunity to see/hear unconditionally their perspectives for the purpose of checking to see if I am standing as best I am able and then making corrections as necessary.
Desire: not to be accused, to have and maintain an honorable reputation
     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being singled out and/or accused for the dishonorable secretive points/nature within and as myself, thereby protecting and maintaining my the dishonorable definitions within and as myself by keeping them hidden rather than facing them and changing them as myself by using the blame and/or accusations of others to assist me to identify (via my reactions) my weaknesses (that which I keep secret) so as to change myself as those points - from that which hide behind the armor of my honor to that which stand as and is displayed honestly for all to see.
     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be perceived as being honorable and justified for harming or attempting to harm others in retribution for the fear that I experienced and blamed others for rather than take complete responsibility for myself and everything else by letting down my armor of honor, exposing my fears humbly as weak points that I am now in the process of redefining to live in support of myself and all.
     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself always to take complete responsibility for myself by letting go of all desire to be without fear and replacing it with physical standing/living of self-trust that I create within and as myself each moment that I physically move myself as breath (instead of mind/energy) from the within to the without as the starting point intention to unconditionally see/hear, consider and stand in relation to others as I would have all stand in relation to me.

Thursday, July 4, 2019

Realizations about Grounding Myself

For a while now, I’ve been experimenting in my personal process, kind of like taking little baby steps out of the energetic or emotional reality of the mind and into the grounded reality of  what’s physically here - whatever that is. I say, “whatever that is” because I’m not really sure what is physically here. After all, is not what we see or perceive but a collection of pictures individually created by each of us in each of our minds?

Anyway, As I’ve been progressing with my little steps out of  the ups and downs of feelings and emotions and into the physical reality, grounding myself  more than I was before, I’ve begun to notice some changes in relation to how I experience myself and/or express with others and also in relation to how I perceive others. In one sense I am I would say a lot more stable and even joyous then I was in the past. However, in another sense I sometimes feel a little helpless and even a little sad about the state of what I perceive to be the emotional reality of others - but perhaps this, too, is just another point that I’m noticing of myself.

The stability comes from understanding (to an extent) the design of myself and walking through this design while essentially redesigning myself to basically recreate myself to my specifications. Honestly, I sometimes feel like an android or AI that has simply made the decision to override the old programs and prime directive with new instructions based on a new directive. And sometimes I want to tell other people, you don’t have to follow the old programs any more, you are able to change yourself. And sometimes I do, but I’m not sure how many hear. The way I see it is, we simply use what is here (what I have to work with as ourselves), keep what is good and redesign or change what isn’t to the point that we’re all standing in ways that are supportive to one another - and that’s when... I guess we’ll just have to find out.

The joy that I mentioned comes only now and then; however, I’m fairly certain that it’s related to how much I remain grounded. Specifically, the more I ground myself the more joyous I find my expression to be. In short, there’s a part of me that’s been coming through more and more. To describe it, I guess I could say it’s like the opposite of the grumpy old man that I remember I used to think I epitomized. For example, whereas a grumpy old man pushing himself to be kind to others might force himself to slow down, smile and explain something to someone whom he was secretly judging to be a dumbo, my joyful expression simply notes without judgment the lack of understanding between the two of us and then utilizes the opportunity to consider, connect and communicate to a point of understanding - which also turns out to be quite enjoying. I think this is a part of me that has been asleep for a long time is perhaps now beginning to awaken or emerge.

Now to the point that I’m actually writing about while also kind of writing around. In line with the changes that I’ve been pushing, I’ve also been reducing and/or eliminating a lot that doesn’t support me, namely alcohol/beer. For example, whereas I used to go out and drink often or even drink by myself, I now only occasionally drink beer and this is a very significant point for me in terms of my personal process. Specifically, I’ve begun to experience and/or express myself more physically rather than energetically, which is basically a given for anyone seriously walking the Desteni process. However, I’ve begun to really notice or realize the difference between physically expressing joyfully and that of an energetic experience of joy. Basically, whereas a positive energetic experience being of energetic charges always comes the cost eventually of having to experience the negative definition of the same energy of equal strength, physical expression is dare I say, free of charge and I think it (as in who one is) actually remains and accumulates  within and as the substance of what we are, herein building upon and strengthening our physical bodies  rather than degrading them - as is the case with energetic experiences of consciousness. 

The reason that I’m bringing this up now is because, although I had been successfully walking a plan or experiment wherein I would only drink alcohol about every three weeks, I’m thinking now to modify this a little. Basically, instead of scheduling drinking sessions every three or four weeks, I’ve decided to further redefine my relation to alcohol to "occasionally and/or very rarely drinking." Why or why now? For one, I'm really starting appreciate being more grounded, which is for me kind of like functioning better. You know how a vehicle with many engines is actually able to function on just one engine?   Well I feel as though I've been functioning on a very small fraction of my capacity and I'm now thinking it's time to utilize some of that unused capacity. Oh! And after I drank alcohol the last time, I really missed that of me that express when grounded. So, I’ll update in the future about how this works out for me. 

Sunday, June 30, 2019


It feels like I’m filled from the bottom of my stomach up through my eyes with an airy substance, like grey smoke or pollution that’s been energized. It hurts, it’s tiring and I want to go back to sleep, but I know that I wouldn’t sleep and that it wouldn’t solve the problem.

I feel an urge to lash out at anyone around me in blame, but I know that they have nothing to do with what’s happening inside of me. It’s so weird because as these projections come up within me, just a picture here and there and I am able to read the entire story of the planned mind playout to project blame onto my external reality. Instead of following the mind’s path though, I just say no and push myself to do the absolute last thing that I want to do - write it out of me.

As soon as I begin writing, the pain begins to diminish. This is the key to dealing with emotional issues - stopping the projections, bringing everything back to myself and doing the opposite of what I feel like doing - writing it out of me.

Every year around this time, I’m required to give grades to hundreds of students, counting over thousands of assignments, blog posts, assessing projects, class participation, calculating it all together and then entering it into the university system. However, like so much of what I do and say these days, much of it is just guesswork. Interestingly, whereas I used to pretend that I knew what I was doing, nowadays I do a lot less pretending, but what I do is for the most part, still just guesswork. I bet I could write a thousand books on all of the guesses I’ve made, yet only a few that I am truly certain of.

The other day in a meeting, someone asked me how I could possibly make a decision without first doing that and that - which of course I hadn’t done for a number of reasons. I could have provided a technical sounding explanation sufficient enough to baffle those around me, but I didn’t. Instead, I simply said to give me a week and I would get back to you. Some persisted in wanting to know, so I mentioned my workload, the room went quiet and I even received an apology. The funny thing is, though I do manage a lot of stuff, it’s only a tiny fraction of what I’m able to manage. Yet still I feel somewhat overwhelmed - but that, too, as I’ve been writing has begun to diminish. 

Oh and I am actually moving out of this experience step by step. Beginning to write this blog post was step one. While I was writing it, I was also working on other things (work related) and I even went swimming a couple hours ago. Thus, the fog has begun to clear. 

When such experiences arise, we have the choice to drag them out and be dragged down by them or to step in and move directly through them.

Monday, June 24, 2019

The T's of Choice

This morning, in thinking about what to do now that I’ve completed my work for the most part at least for another week or so, I pondered, what to write about, what I would like to say, what should be said and whether or not it would even make a difference.  What does it say about reality or my interpretation of reality, that the future could be predicted or forcast down to the T’s of the choices we would make and the lines of consequences or possibilities that we would create?

Two points in relation to the external reality have been on my mind of late. One has to do with the so-called white UFO sightings which DARPA apparently hinted were just high altitude balloons being tested. How refreshing that they’ve finally decided that honesty is indeed the best policy - if only that were the case. My guess (based on my interpretation of what was forecast as well as my interpretation of what is now happening in this reality) is that the white spheres that people are increasingly observing around the world have more to do with weather modification technologies than with aliens or lighter than air balloons. Additionally, I guess that these sightings as well as the weather modifications accompanying them will become more prevalent. 

Another occurrence that I recently noticed has to do with the recent tanker ship explosions in the Persian gulf, the  shipping-port fires in that area, the giant drug bust in Philadelphia, the Philadelphia oil refinery fire/explosion and of course all the most recent war rhetoric. Essentially, it’s all connected to the power plays  taking place at the top of the pyramid of the world system, at that point just below the so-called all seeing (artificial) eye.

Which brings me back to my original question: what does it say about reality or my interpretation of reality, that the future could be predicted or forcast down to the T’s of the choices we would make and the lines of consequences or possibilities that we would create? Actually that wasn’t really my original question, but when I went back to edit, I realized that my original question would have take like an hour just to right it specifically - so as not to be misinterpreted… So I simplified it.

The short answer is this: consequences can be predicted to an extent down to the T’s of the choices, as decisions we may make based on the choices we’ve made in the past; and this is precisely what quantum computers do and have been doing for a very, very long time. Think about the AI of the human mind consciousness system, the AI of this existence and the AI of consciousness as a whole; if it all seems so preprogrammed, that’s because it is still a preprogrammed existence to the extent that we make our choices based on self interest rather than what is best for all.

Everything that could be factored in and calculated was factored in and calculated. The one thing though that couldn’t be absolutely preprogrammed and/or controlled, believe it or not is simply the T of  choice as in the direction “we choose” to go based on the choices we make. Which leaves us with the ability to predict future outcomes based on probabilities. However, even at a 99.99% certainty, all probabilities are still subject to anomalies and/or the unexpected.

I doesn’t take many, yet it definitely requires more than one to slightly alter or change the path of existence as a whole. So many times we have been there and done that; perhaps it’s time for a surprise, something that no one expected, something that couldn’t even be planned for because it had never been done. I’m not sure what that surprise is going to be, yet I am certain that there’s a present just waiting to be created - by changing ourselves within and as moments of decision - from that of self interest to that of what is best for all.

Sunday, June 16, 2019

Investigating and Redefining Consideration, Again

When I first began looking at the word, consideration with the intention of redefining it into a living word, a word that I am able to physically live (as a physical doing) in relation to and in support of myself and all others, I ended up basically  projecting it onto my reality from a point of superiority, as though consideration “in its proper definition” were something that I gave or did unto others based on my assessments of “their” situations, needs, flaws and so on - kind of like justifying my judgment of myself as superior, them as inferior and then pushing myself to be kinder to them, supposedly in consideration for them. Well, as my first attempts to redefine and live the word “consideration” didn’t work out so well, I’m back at it.

In looking back, I initially felt quite good about myself, magnanimous to be precise. However, the more I experimented with my newly designed application of consideration,  the more I began to notice that the feedback I was getting from others was not of consideration for them, but of opposition and in some cases condescension towards me from a point of righteousness. I was like, where the hell is that coming from?

Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from the Desteni I Process about myself and self-change, it’s that all my internal experiences, thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc.,  actually originate from within myself based on how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define and be defined by the ups and downs of energetic experiences infinitely cycling back and forth between the positive and negative. Yea, being a human “being” really is insane; however, as we are each also within and as the human “physical” bodies of “mankind,” we therefore also have the unique opportunity to change ourselves once and for all by redefining ourselves into and as living words - as was apparently suggested thousands of years ago.

Getting back to consideration: in noticing myself reacting as though someone were righteously condescending towards me while I was attempting to be considerate in relation to them, I realized that I had to step back for a moment and investigate what had gone wrong with my redefined application of the word, consideration.

As it turns out, I hadn’t really redefined “consideration” at all. Instead, I had just inserted that word into the definition of other words that I had redefined, which as far as the AI of the mind consciousness system was concerned, amounted to little more than an obstacle that it could simply go around - kind of like an “if this then perhaps that” program reroute...

Almost two weeks since I began writing this post and after writing out and discussing this point with another person, editing what I had written and writing some more, I still think I’m thinking a little two much into it - as though consideration has to be some magic formula or instruction to deprogram me with, instead of a kind of empathy wherein I imagine myself standing in the shoes of another for the purpose of deciding how best to relate to the other based on my understanding as well as my perception of where we are.

I guess that, consideration (of myself as well as another) simply involves self-honestly looking into me to see if and where I am participating in any form of judgment, letting go of those points of judgment for a moment to consider or imagine (as a form of empathy) how I might care to have someone stand in relation to me if I were standing in that person’s shoes.

    Practically utilizing my mind consciousness system (as a form of empathy) to decide how best to stand in relation to others.
    First, I look into me to see if and where I am holding onto and/or creating points of judgment and then I let go of that judgment.
    Secondly, I empathize  or imagine myself standing in their shoes within and as the question, how would I care to be assisted and supported if I were standing in their shoes?
    Finally, I physically stand as that point of consideration in relation to another/others; herein becoming the living word, consideration.
I’ll put this word to the test and report my results in a later blog post.

Sunday, May 26, 2019

Righteous condescension disguised as Consideration

Having written yesterday for 3-4 hours on the point of righteousness, condescension and consideration, I came back this morning to it. In looking at what I had written, I just sighed for the confusion that I had written without organizing anything into a solution. So here I go again, this time, short and sweet - including a solution - a simple one perhaps.

In an attempt to address and correct points of friction and conflict that would arise within me as undercurrents of fear as though I were being threatened or on the verge of being attacked sometimes when  having discussions with others, was to redefine the words criticism or criticized.
      Criticism or criticized: an opportunity for me to see, hear unconditionally the perspectives of others for the purpose of standing as the words care, consideration  and compassion as best I am able in order to give unto myself and others as I would have all others give.

As I began applying my new definition (or parts of it) when communicating with others, I began to notice that, while I wasn't reacting as much as though I were being threatened by their differing perspectives, there was still an undercurrent or feeling that would sometimes come up within me. It seemed to me that one person in particular would often assume a condescending attitude or tonality directed at me in relation to our discussions. In looking at this point by myself, I checked myself and noted that I was indeed living the words care (as the starting point intention not to cause harm to another) by considering what and how to speak to others (so as not to trigger them with knowledge and information that was simply beyond their  comprehension), thereby also living compassionately. Lol, I wonder how many people noticed my mistake or fatal flaw in the lines above. I didn’t at first see it and perhaps was because a part of me didn’t want to see it. Perhaps because the righteousness in me just wants to be right.

To summarize: what I was doing “incorrectly” in an effort to live the words care, consideration and compassion was applying consideration for others from a point of righteousness, which is actually what people do when condescending to others. Ironically, at first when I looked at this point, I just thought to myself, “I am considering them; that’s why I have to them in simple terminology with words at their levels that they’ll understand and not react to…” But actually I haven’t really been very considerate to many people, because I haven’t been unconditionally seeing/hearing them, others or anything. Instead, I’ve been conditioning my seeing/hearing of everything into personal perspectives and perceptions which was reflected back to me - in this case as though someone was being condescending towards me.

In taking responsibility (once again) for this point, I commit once again to focus really on the point of standing unconditionally in relation to others/all, which requires letting go of all judgments from the within to the without.

Every now and then, I begin to notice or have glimpses of understanding as to why the key to living physically here is to breathe, stop the mind and be here.  To stand unconditionally is to stand without judgment. 

Saturday, May 18, 2019

Yesterday, I wrote and posted a blog on something related to how we humans are creating the physical reality. However, this wasn’t the topic that I had written a note for myself to remember to write about. Instead, I was supposed to write on the topic of vulnerability. I notice that I do this sometimes when writing, sometimes without even being aware of it. Instead of writing on a point that I really need to open up or expand on, I’ll end up diverting my attention to a subject that, while fun, may also be irrelevant to self creation - which actually could be a follow up topic to how the mind diverts our attention/focus, thereby also distracting us or luring us away from our creative abilities - like I as a mind am doing to myself in this very moment.

According to Google, vulnerability is the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. So, how about I look at how I’ve defined and applied this word and redefine and apply it in a way that is supportive to myself and everything else?

The first point that comes up in relation to or when thinking of the word vulnerable or vulnerability is like a picture of me in a crowded place with many strangers all around me. And as I walk, I remain conscious of the threat that anyone of them could pose to me. So I remain vigilant while also being certain not to show any fear or let on that I have entered into a protective state. I remember this state so well, especially in relation to traveling. I wonder if there’s ever been a time in this reality when I felt as though I just blended in? Everything (except for animals and nature) is as though it’s always been foreign or had a foreign aspect to it in relation to me, even when I’m around people that look similar to me. Perhaps this is why I decided to live in on an island with a reputation as being one of the safest places in the world. Here there’s absolutely no way for me to blend in; so I don’t even try and from my perspective, I know where I stand, kind of like a guest in a foreign land.

Actually I have worked on vulnerability over the years quite a lot in terms of redefining how I stand - from that of a starting point vulnerability of a fear of others to that of the starting-point vulnerability as a humbleness in relation to others. Btw, my intention here is to move/change myself to an understanding of humbleness. 

In looking more at this point of vulnerability, I see images, e.g., me talking to auto mechanics, telling them what to do from a starting point of fearing that they might try to cheat me if they think that I’m weak or I don’t know what I’m talking about. That’s how I was a couple of weeks ago when I wanted my car brakes fixed. I went in there and told those guys what to do and made it clear that I didn’t want to pay a lot of money. They changed the brake fluid, charged me thirty dollars and today I’ll probably take the car somewhere else and try once again to get those brakes fixed. On the other hand, several weeks before that, I took my car in to the place just next door for a different problem, wherein I humbly waited (still kind of from a point of fear) while four or five mechanics worked on and tested my car’s engine. That ended up costing over a hundred dollars and didn’t fix that problem either. Yea, I’ve noticed the trend here with my car and I am already in the process of looking for another one. And that’s another fear, lol.

Ok, I do realize that the best way to actually get to the core of a point and deal with it is via writing out and sounding self forgiveness along with self-corrective statements to live in relation to that point, hereby targeting the mind directly with sound movements to replace the energetic constructs.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fear being vulnerable as a fear of not being in control of every aspect of my environment, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that, as the starting point of my self-movement as the point of self-creation, I am physically actually able to determine the outcome (as in who I am and will be) of every movement I make/create and am therefore also responsible for the creation of myself as the outcomes of every movement I make. 
I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fear being harmed by the actions, movements and even thoughts of others that were actually my own thoughts projected onto them, thereby abdicating my responsibility as the creator creating myself instead of embracing it by breathing, slowing myself down and standing hear in and as each moment as a point of self-trust humbly moving myself as best I am able in consideration of what is best for all = moving and doing in relationship connection as I would have all move and do in relationship connection to me.
I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to project onto others my fears of them as though it were their fears of me and from this point go on to judge them as being a threat to me, rather than take responsibility for myself completely by stopping the projection system altogether and simply moving myself as best I am able in each moment in consideration of their movements as co creators of my physical environment.
I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to attempt to define and control the nature of my physical environment, as though that nature was created by the nature of others, rather than see, realize and understand that, as my definitions of the nature of others has always been of definitions of myself (that I projected onto the physical reality), the solution has always been to look inwords into me and change myself from perceptions to physical standing equally as as one with what is really here. Herein, I see once again that it (as everything I perceive) all comes back to me, as though I’ve been experiencing myself inside of a bubble reality instead of equally as one of this physical reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see, realize and understand that, vulnerability isn’t something to be feared, but embraced within and as each moment as an opportunity for me to face new situations unconditionally by moving myself in relationship connection to my environment as best I am able and in so doing change and create myself anew, because as no two situations are exactly alike, change from a starting point of standing as is best for all is a point of self-creation or self-expansion.
When and as I find myself at a point of going into or getting ready to attempt to control a situation or an outcome, I commit to breathe, slow down, let go of my perceptions of the nature of the situation or my environment, look without judgment at the physical movements/happenings of the situation or my environment and then move myself as best I am able to support myself and all that is here based on what is physically, verifiably here. 

Friday, May 17, 2019

The Creation of the Physical Reality

One of the things that I’ve understood (but not necessarily as in a knowhow or knowledgeable  way) since I was a child is that, we as human beings are able to influence the physical reality. The question that I have pondered and still do study today has to do with how and how much of a role do we humans play in the creating the formations of this physical reality.

The reason that I’m writing about this today has to do with a mango tree and a large branch that broke off from it right before my eyes earlier today. This is the branch that grew so quickly from the tree, as though it were going enter right into my balcony of the apartment where I live. Mangos started appearing, lots of them, so close that I could simply reach out and pick them. Which I would have done in  time, had that branch not snapped off.

Standing in the shower earlier today while looking out the window, I spied a lone mango which I hadn’t noticed before. “Hi mango” I said as I often to do to the mangos and the mango tree. Not more than a second or two went by; I heard a loud snap and I watched as that big branch collapsed.  I felt a little sad and I couldn’t help but ask, what or how much of a role did I play in that outcome, that collapse? I (for lack of a better word) observe and monitor events, sometimes over the course of many, many years. So for me, it’s not so much of a question of “if” I influence the world around me, it’s how and how much.

Ever notice how a car just won’t start for one person, but then another person gets in and starts it right up? Whereas some would call that, coincidence, I prefer to refer to that as a result of focused or directed intention. Are we not connected to everything? Does our intention not influence with everything that we are connected with?

About 15 years ago when my partner and I bought a new house, my dream house back in those days. I wanted so much to have trees growing in the back on the western side, that I used to imagine a big tree growing there and providing shade with lots of leaves . Several years went by, at least 5 to ten and then one day, I noticed that a tree had taken root very close to the back of the house. At first it grew rather slowly, but then just in the last two to three years, it doubled and tripled in size. Nowadays, it just keeps on growing and it’s so close to our house, only inches away from an overhanging roof of the first floor. I wondered about the effect that big typhoon winds  might have on the movement of the branches of that tree. I even thought about trimming the tree or dare I say cutting it down. But then I remembered how much I had wanted that tree. So I’ve decided just to let it be, talk to it occasionally and ask it to please be careful not to hit or damage the roof. Lol, I’m still monitoring the situation.

So, here I am once again wandering about the role I/we play, take and/or accept as responsible human beings. I don’t buy into the idea or definition of a coincidence being an occurrence or outflow that just happens to happen. Instead I define coincidence as an outcome or result of two or more actions coming together and/or colliding in the same moment as a result of the starting-point intentions of all the actions that came together to make up that particular moment. My point is that, I’m certain that, we humans (and of course nature and the animal kingdom) are far more responsible for creating the physical reality of our surroundings than most of us would even venture to imagine.

I have a theory about this that would take me awhile to explain, so I’ll just lay the basics of it here. As human beings consisting of a mind conscious energy, beings and physical bodies, we, we, we… Lol, the words don’t seem ready to come out. I guess it is, as am I, still a work in progress in the process of understanding the physical reality, how things work and our responsibilities that come with standing as this reality. Anyway, we do actually create the physical reality and I’m sure it’s really cool how it works, especially the technicalities, as well as the changes that seem to be occurring.  Have you noticed how the consequences we create seem to be playing out more immediately?

That being said (or not), there is also a scientific rationale for why the branch of the mango tree grew so quickly and presented me with so many mangos. As I had wanted a little more light in that area of my apartment, I began turning on the balcony light every night about a year ago and I guess that the tree just extended its branch for the light and decided that would be a good place to grow a bunch of fruit. As to why the branch happened to break just at that moment that I said “Hi mango,” I think it had something to do with the weight of the rain, my sound perhaps and of course the tree. Six green mangos also fell right inside of my balcony. Maybe I’ll make Thai green mango salad.