Letting the Baby out

In my dream, I see a young mother lying down holding a baby. She disappears, there is only the baby lying on a stone slab. I pick up the baby and hug it close to me. The baby hugs me back. Then there is this feeling within me and I know what's going to happen; yet I still hold onto the baby even as it begins taking bites out of my neck. Then in a voice of a sarcastic old man, from the baby, I hear, “Hmm! This is yummy.” I'm sure I’ve had dreams like this before; yet in the past I would have thrown the child away in horror; this time I held onto it; not long, just a second and then I woke up. I decided to write about this because I’m certain the child represents me or a part of me, the part that I keep hidden. Who is this child in me that I fear to let go of; yet also fear to let out? Perhaps the child is my ego, and that is why it was biting my neck, symbolic of the part of me that still consumes the physical? Perhaps it's the nature of me, who I am as life that I fear. It's a strange thing: I’ve always been certain that I was capable doing harm, and never considered until starting Process, that I could do  immense good.  Everything is Life – matter; thus what matters is who one is within and as our relationships, our acceptances and allowances. Specifically, regardless of where I am, the key for me is be the best I'm able to be, and that is logically that which is best for all. This is the process for me, to be and become that which is best for all Life.

Investigating the Frequencies in/as the words I speak

Taking a detour from what I’ve recently been focused on, I’m going to write about what I’ve been experiencing over the last couple of weeks concerning words. While teaching sentence patterns to a group of teenage students, I noticed that the words I was using were coming up with multiple definitions. For example, when I used the word, big, some of the boys made jokes with sexual innuendos. Then, when I was directing my teaching at some of the girls (to practice using count and non-count nouns in sentences), each time I gave them a word to practice with, it would show up in my mind, attached with gender specific innuendos. For example, I'd say, “milk” and the girls were supposed to say, “I don't have any milk.” However, just before I said 'milk', the word also came up pertaining to a woman being pregnant. Cherries, orange juice, water, etc., also came up 'in mind' with multiple definitions. I was like, “Shit, is there no word within my vocabulary that does not have gender specific innuendos attached to it?” From there, I’ve been considering that, if I can see additional definitions of words just before I speak them; then perhaps the frequencies of these spoken words are also carrying those hidden definitions.  

Also, over the last two weeks, I’ve been monitoring where my eyes tend to wander as I walk in public places. It's fascinating how automated (finely tuned) I’ve allowed myself to become in terms of categorizing people, and from as far as perhaps 40 meters (even when it's dark) I will in an instant, decide whether or not to look at them more closely. So far, the only success I’ve had in terms of turning off this auto pilot, is to not look at anyone. Perhaps, if I look at everyone equally; that's what I’ll try.

The main point here is that I'm obviously not in completely aware of the definitions/frequencies of my words that I speak. In writing, I account for this duplicity by shrinking 4-5 pages into one. I'd like to also be in complete control of my spoken words; yet how do I do this without having to redefine thousands of words? This, I will investigate.

Self Forgiveness:

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach multiple definitions to me as words words. I see, realize and understand that as the words I speak are of me, the multiple definitions coming up are showing me what I am accepting and allowing within/as me. I also realize that I have the responsibility to purify these words so that they are what is best for all. Within this, I commit myself to observe the definitions that come up within and as the words, and to see to it that I do not participate or create in words that are harmful to myself or others.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself speak words without first taking a breath to clear myself of personalities, so as to guardedly speak only the words/frequencies that are in the best interests of all. When and as I find myself at a point of speaking and I notice thoughts/pictures running in the background; I stop, breath and clear myself of the the backchat, before continuing on to speak or write.
• I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have the ability to purify the words I am speaking, just before speaking them. I commit myself to on a continual basis, purify all word within and as who I am, so as to become from the inside out – that which is best for all.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slowly charge personalities, and within this not realize that if I allow it, they will grow stronger and eventually show themselves as who I've accepted and allowed myself to become – from the within to the without. Herein, I commit myself to stop charging even the 'fun' personalities, and to physically have fun as the expression of me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I do not require energy as a basis to interact with others, and within this I commit myself to a process of learning how physically express myself.

Stand up or Continue to Ignore

Every day, I read about what's happening in the world; from the small to the big, it's exactly the same pattern, the desire/search for more, coupled with the fight to hold onto what we have: I should know; in one way or another, I enter the battle every single day. Have you ever herd the expressions: “to eat oneself up inside” or “to be consumed with desire”? This is what we're doing to ourselves every moment that we ignore, in favor of the quest of more. A starving person is not searching for more food. There's plenty of it already here; yet, but because he hasn't the money to buy his right to life from us – the ones in control, he suffers and dies, leaving the whole – which includes us, diminished or less. Why, because we in our quest to have and to hold more, have failed to realize that there is no more than what is already physically here. It should be so obvious that we're going in the wrong direction; I mean, we expect the structures we create to eventually deteriorate. Yet, what about nature, the oceans, the rivers and the trees, is it natural that they too should be deteriorating and dying? We're consuming ourselves from the inside out, and we don't even see it because we're too afraid to look, lost in ignorance – the want, need and desire to have and to hold.

One of the saddest ironies of our current state of humanity is that, as long as we as individuals are enjoying the experiences of ourselves, we tend to refuse to voluntarily look at what is actually here, fearing to let go of our ignorance, least the love and happiness suddenly disappear. So it will be as it is becoming: each forced to see and endure that which we've ignored, until we take responsibility for ourselves and all. See the classes of those who once ignored the poor, their money vanished in thin air. Hear their cries of anger and lament as they parade in the streets, searching for someone to blame. Accordingly, all they find is those they once ignored. Like it or not, this reality is still controlled by money; therefore, if you still have it, stand up for equality; stand-up for those who no longer can; for if you don't, who will stand for you?  

Decision Beyond the Decision

Below is part of a post that I completed a couple days ago.

“Recently, someone I’ve known for more than 20 years, called me to inform me of an opportunity to perhaps work in Thailand as a contracts administrator in the same company he is currently working. Through-out the years, these kinds of opportunities to move into different levels of the system have occasionally come my way. For the most part, I let them pass by, choosing instead to maintain my independence – defined as freedom. This time around, I've decided to go for it, all in. The company (like a tentacle of a tentacle) is part of an enormous holding company which is basically right in the heart of the world system. I'm not sure where I’ll end up with this (or even whether I’ll get the job); however, I am certain that I will no longer pass-up, in favor of the “desired” simple-life, opportunities such as this. The key is for me to not get lost in the process of integrating into different layers of the system.”

The remainder of the above post consisted of self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements (which I’ll copy and re-post along with this document) directed towards some of the issues I was facing in regards to pursuing this particular job or jobs like it in the future. To get to the point, I didn't (on my regular blog) post  what I had written, because I judged my self-honesty to be a “less than desired trait” of these kinds of positions. In fact, for about two weeks, I stopped posting altogether because I didn't see writing self-honesty as something that would be looked upon favorably (for the position I was applying). 

The conclusion:
I'm not willing to hide who I am, where I stand, or pretend to be an “average/normal” person; I am far from the norm of this world, and I intend to keep moving in the opposite direction with all those who are willing, to reverse the course that has become the norm of this world.

The Decision, beyond the Decision:
I'm continuing with my self-honestly, and I'm going to continue posting my writings as public as they can be.

From the Previous post:

The points that I’ve been facing in regards to making this and/or other opportunities happen:

• Leaving my wife and dog by themselves: The last time I left, my wife had her legs run-over by a car – no serious injuries; then a motor scooter accident, requiring hospitalization and rehabilitation. On top of that, my dog almost died, also requiring surgery and hospitalization. Aside from the “idea” that I have to stay and take care of them, I see no “real” needs for me to be there all the time.
• Leaving the luxury/security of home: The last couple of times I've gone away to work in another country/city, I compared living at home, to living in small apartments with bare walls and a board for a bed; and thus, experienced loneliness and missed home.
• The risk of failure: I had in the past, largely accepted and defined myself as an underachiever: money beyond what was required for a certain level of comfort never really motivated me; yet I have held myself back for fear of failure.
• Laziness or lack of motivation: I have found that I preform very well at high-speeds or when there is crisis. The times in between have been like being bogged down on country roads, waiting for things to speed up. I've waited for the end of the world, the money system to collapse, oil to stop flowing...

Self forgiveness

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear leaving my wife and dog behind, and within this, not realize that I had projected my fear of being alone/lonely onto them, and used it to justify staying in my mind safe/home.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for what happened to my wife while I was away. I see, realize and understand that I've become dependent on having someone depend on me, and that it is not necessary for me to physically be there all the time.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my dog getting sick – because I wasn't there to take care of things. I see, realize and understand that I am responsible for her well-being, and within this understanding, I make my decision – with the hope that my wife and dog will take care of each other, should I go away for a while.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to compare living at home with living away, and in this comparison, place a positive energetic charge on living at home, and a negative on living away. I now see, realize and understand that by comparing/judging where I stay/sleep/rest, I trap myself in the cycles of contentedness and discontent.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to experience loneliness, and within this, not realize that loneliness is merely a dimension of the mind desiring confirmation of its existence.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an underachiever, justified in the “righteousness” of not chasing money, and self-judgment – that I must have done something horrible to deserve to be locked-up in this Purgatory. I now see, realize and understand that I have caged myself, and to free me is to let go of the limitations that I once believed were me.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fear failure; and thus, limit myself to attempt that which was well below my abilities.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed as not knowing, and within this, justify not entering into new environments where I might be exposed to the oversight of another.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to believe that I performed better at high-speeds/in crisis, and within this, not see, realize and understand that I’ve been comparing myself to others, judging myself to be better-off in certain situations; and thus placing myself in situations where my ego would be satisfied that I was better-off than most of those around me. I now see, realize and understand that, once again I had caged myself into illusion which I accepted according to my limited/self interested point of view.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to desire a simple-life, and within this – not see, realize and understand that my simple/easy life has been paid for by the hardships of others.

Self-commitments

• I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to participate within/as wanting to be safe at home, because I realize that the idea of safety is no more than a lighted area surrounded by fear.
• I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to compare/judge where I live; instead, remain stable so as to accomplish my goals of participating and contributing to the process of changing this world to a place that is best for all.
• I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to judge/compare habitats, and to instead, make the best of where I am, by remaining here, breathing.
• I commit myself to no longer define myself as an underachiever or anything else; and thus, walk step-by-step within and as the living/understanding that I will accomplish that which I’ve set-out to accomplish, one step in each breath.
• When and as I find myself at the point of fearing not making the grade or being exposed for being in the wrong suit, I stop, breathe, and remember that the suit is just a temporary character to put on and take off as need be, and that I am able to put-on any suit I choose so as to maneuver/function within this system until a new system is up and running.
• When and as I find myself believing that I am not skilled enough to do a particular task, I stop, breathe, let go of the definition of limitation, and I move myself to a solution that is best for me and all involved.
• I commit myself to place myself in situations that require me to expand myself, do more and be more; and thus, rid myself of the idea of self-limitation.
• I commit myself to release myself of the desire for a simple-life, and to go do/be what it takes to to give everyone the opportunity to live equally.

The World System of Money in Crisis

Previously on The World Money System:

The world system – like it or not, is the manifested representation of what is here, in/on/as planet earth. Flowing within and from the world-system is the world system of money – the manifested representation of humanity's relationship to itself and everything else. In other words, within and as the world system of Money is the schematics/blueprints of humanity's relationship to all that is here as planet Earth. Thus, by investigating, understanding, and then redesigning the money system, we are able to give the world system an opportunity to slow down, catch its breath, and begin the process of healing: in essence, a complete planetary makeover without having to close down the planet.

What's wrong with the current Capitalist System and Why is it Crashing?

In a nutshell, the biggest defect of our current money system lies in its valuation of money. There is no standard that remains unchanged from cradle to grave, as in “the only true value is life”, and as such there in no absolute/indisputable, agreed upon equality of anything, not labor, not life, and (thanks to the latest Cyprus heist) not even monies of the same currency. There is however, an abundance of fear, and this is going to get worse, and worse, as the World Financial System comes crashing down.

Why is the current Capitalist system in the process of crashing?

For the perception/illusion of money as value to exist, it must consume and consume. Think of money as a parasite that feeds off the host – planet earth and all its resources. As the parasites feed, they multiply by transforming physicality into money, the illusion/perception of value. As long as the parasites – better known as consumers, do not exceed the host's ability to renew itself, the sustainability of the relationship “may” be maintained. Unfortunately, as the consumer has always only been interested in its own survival, greed and desire for more, the physical deterioration of Earth has for the most part gone unnoticed in favor of ignorance and illusion/money. In other words, the relationship between money and Earth, has become unsustainable to the point that we are now in the end-game of Capitalism as we know it.

On the Message of Equality

Clearly, no matter how much one write about the consequences that we human beings have caused unto ourselves and this world as a whole, there will continue to be a percentage that will fight to the bitter-end against Equality, in favor of – by default, their perceived right to have more.

In terms of the living conditions on this planet, there is no equality, only comparison: fear in the I's of the beholders. I look up to see those with more, and I desire what is theirs. I look down to see those with less, and I fear losing what is mine. Herein lies the conundrum of the human race. Paralyzed in the point of desiring something more, while fearing to lose what we have, we as a species have failed to realize that there is another Real option, the point of equality wherein we may “all” have what we need and even more. That so many are unable or unwilling to even imagine that every single one of us have the ability to move in harmony, is testament to a deep-rooted fear that has come to define who we are within and as the human race.

Ever wonder what is that we're racing to get to; what could possibly be so important that we must kill and consume everything just to reach the finish line? I have, and good news is the end is in sight. The bad news is, the final stretch is shaping up to be the most difficult, and to make matters worse, we seem to have gone the wrong direction – down the road of devolution, instead of evolution.

Deep down inside we all desire, want and need this race to end, so that we may begin anew. However, simply ending the race and thus stopping the devolution of life, is only part of the solution. From here, it is still is up to us all to design and agree upon a new destination – a New World Order if you will, one that affords us “all” equal rights and opportunities to a dignified life. This is where the Desteni group and the principles it stand by, come into play in a serious way. Equality is an absolute, and therefore the only solution/directive that we may “all” agree upon, because what is best for All is obviously also going to be best for self. It's not an idea, it's a principle/directive by and as which we give ourselves the opportunity and thus the responsibility to create a new world order that isn't just best for the few, but best for us all.

Day 106: Seeing me in Others

Last night, I ended up going over to a friend's house for the purpose of giving him some legal advice on a case he is perusing against a certain organization/business. My advise was simple: accept whatever their next offer is or may be and walk away. In the course of conversing with him and looking over what he had written, it occurred to me that his writing had improved substantially since the last time I saw him some 5-6 months ago. It also occurred to me that his writing style was somewhat similar to the style I use for persuasive legal arguments, and that he had in some ways, changed. He was calmer and a better listener then I had known him to be in the past. Later, I realized that what I was seeing was me in him, and that it was I that had changed. Perhaps he too had changed; it's sometimes difficult to say for certain because when I change the whole world around me seems also to change. Recently, I’ve been seeing this more and more: myself in others or others in me. It's a seeing or viewing that I welcome because it gives me the chance to see where I have changed and where I'm still not moving/progressing. My idea of oneness and equality is that, the understanding of all is equal and one, and within this, all will be free to express within and as that which is best for all. Obviously we have a ways to go, yet I would say that the train is moving. I would also say that I still have a ways to go before I am certain of the tracks/path on which to walk. In terms of the walking part (walking without or with fewer thoughts, feelings, emotions, Reactions...), I will once again say I’m making progress with my breathing, and in understanding and changing my mind/beingness/physical relationship. However, in terms of whether or not my actions/deeds are always what is best for all or even best for me, I’m sometimes uncertain if it's me as a being directing me, or if it's still my personality/ego.

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to participate within/as doings/deeds within which I was clear that I was directing me, yet unclear as to whether the my direction was supportive to/for me or another. I see, realize and understand that in letting go of polarity definitions of good/bad, wright/wrong, etc., I am left with just me to direct myself. It's interesting because in facing points where I have fallen before, there is the chance I will fall again, and/or see where I am standing and where I’m still stalling. Herein I commit myself to carefully explore the points wherein I am unsure, and to not allow myself to manipulate me into believing that I am facing a point when in actuality I’m just walking back into it.

Day 105: Anxiety, Anxiousness, Excitement...

As I’ve stated many times before, although it may appear in different shapes and sizes, it's always only just Fear. It comes, and even though I rarely give it more than a fraction of a second to check what it's pertaining to, it often still lingers. Using a technique I learned here, I get rid of it or absorb it back into me. Actually, I’m not really sure where it goes, but it does go..., and sometimes return. The key that I’ve begun realizing is that it (the energy) is not who I am; of this I am certain because I am able choose not to follow it. Thus, I don't follow it, and although my presence as energy is still often there instead of here in and as the physical, I am more and more rarely moved by it. In other words, I do what I do and am going to do, without allowing the mind energies to interfere.

What I find very interesting is that I see how this world changes, how we create from the small to the big. Yet, when I speak of it to others, there comes resistance to even the simplest of equations. It's like the concept, the whole being equal to the sum of its parts, only applies to a 360 degree circle on a piece of paper. Move it into and as the “whole” physical reality, and it suddenly becomes a religion or a conspiracy theory, as though it cannot be because it's gotta be far more complicated than all of us having to take individual responsibility for ourselves as points within and as the whole, and the whole as a point that we are all equally responsible for and able to change as we change ourselves. Thus as a whole, nothing gets better in this world because the mass of ignorance/abuse still far exceeds the mass of self-change that will benefit the whole. Still it's cool (for me) because although the changes that I face and push through are usually uncomfortable, I am certain they are beneficial both in the short and long term to me and all else.

In a world in reverse, words of common-sense (of physically applied simple-mathematics) are shunned in favor of the illusions of love and light, happiness, etc., which allow the user/abuser the freedom of choice to view in a mode that doesn't require responsibility or even physical reality, just a mind and an idea of what one cares and wants to see. I see the changes taking place in this world – for better or worse, most of it worse: the little things/consequences that so many have come to accept as norm, believing/hoping as in the past, that they will stay one step ahead of the game because they/we are somehow special. Good luck there! We then think/want to believe that there are those – at least a few, controlling what happens in this world, and so whatever happens will be theirs alone to atone. Shame that so many refuse to apply the simplest of mathematics: 1+1=2, meaning that each and every one of us are creating the outcome/sum of what is here. And even though many have sold their peace of the pie/the right to decide to another, in the end each of us is responsible for weapons as ourselves and we do decide what we accept and allow, buy and sell.

Sometimes when I am facing a point, sitting here in my house with enough food to feed ten of us, thinking that my life sometimes really sucks, the idea occurs to me that any time I could escape all of this by just embracing the ignorance – the light of the illusion. Then, in looking back at the reality of how I have been, I realize that I do not recall ever being better. So I continue, determined to see what's really in a lifetime.

Self forgiveness on participating in Polarities

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define as positive, knowing that my schedule is flexible in the near future, and within this not realize that I was also the negative experience directed at not having a flexible schedule.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define having a flexible schedule or not being obligated to do something as “positive/freedom”, and within this not see, realize and understand that when I defined freedom as a positive experience I was also committing myself to the negative experience – defined as not being free. I see, realize and understand that “freedom” is without polarity, and thus I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to define space-time activities within and as polarities, and instead walk without judgment/definitions so as to not subject myself to the positive/negative poles of experience.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define “having” to go to do something in the near future as negative, thus subjecting myself to the experience of anxiousness/anxiety. I now see, realize and understand that by defining my Time as positive/negative, I tie myself to time and thus abdicate my responsibility to direct myself in/as the present/moment. I also realize that to be responsible within and as self-directing me is to be simply be here without polarities – without charge. When and as I find myself defining time or anything else within and as a polarity, I stop, breathe, let go of the energies, and direct myself to accomplish what I’m doing, stable, without energy.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to experience nervousness in my solar-plexus area, and within this not see, realize and understand that I have the ability to stand equal to this energy, and direct it so that I am not moved by it. When and as I find myself at the point of feeling/experiencing energy accumulating within/as me, I take a couple of breaths, and direct this energy as me.

Day 103: Letting go of the "Idea" of Freedom

Recently I've been dreaming about Mexico. It's actually an encompassing experience/definition that I have of Central America, but mostly it pertains to Mexico, my experiences there of. The closest word that comes up is “freedom,” which is kind of silly because most of the time I just seemed to be on the move/run, plotting how to make money, have fun and get away before anyone caught on, before I wore-out my welcome. I was always convinced that the longer I stayed in one place, the more likely it was that someone would recognize the manipulation, reasoning or rezoning behind the facade innocence. Looking back, perhaps I was innocent, perhaps I just thought myself slick, and that I didn't really get over on that many at all. Perhaps the boarder patrol, army, Federales, etc., simply realized that my crimes weren't crimes at all, but standard procedure – getting by in an corrupt abusive system. It's interesting, even today to go to a third world country such as the Philippines, Mexico, India, and now the US – lol, and see how wealthy the upper class really is. As a foreigner and someone for whom role-playing and manipulation always come easy – as long as there was something in it for me, it was always really easy to get in and see how the upper percentage lived. Quite often, the next day I would find myself en el campo con los campesinos (peasoants). Without a doubt, I had always felt safer and had more fun on the ground with the poor than I ever did in the air with the rich. With people who have nothing extra to give, it's always clear where they stand by what they do give, and that's real giving. This dream or the likes of it that I occasionally have wherein I’m with my car, the open road, the fields and people I meet, the smell of adventure and the allure of freedom/escape; it's like my mind is trying to rationalize why I would care to give up that kind of trip for this, a journey of words. It's not that my experience on earth has become better or worse, it's simply that I’ve begun to see and hear without the interpreter. I watch how dogs and other animals communicate; no words are spoken, yet the say themselves. Imagine how live would be if we simply turned our the words, perhaps then we'd see.

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to project onto Mexico and Central America an idea of freedom, and within this not see, realize and understand that the idea of freedom I created in my mind was just that, an idea as in a polarity of confinement/work/commitment. Within this I now realize that, as I had judged times/experiences such as working, going to school, etc., as negative, so too would I end up having a definition as positive/freedom. In this I commit myself to no longer allow myself to define myself as an experience or anything else.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the key to living is in/as the words themselves: live what you speak, and speak what you live. Within this, I realize that thoughts that are not immediately spoken/lived are a waste of life.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the key to being is not in/as seeing, but in/as being one with all that is here, and to be one with all that is here is to simply stop participating within and as that which is not here – mind/energy.

Day 103: Polarities, Freedom vs. Survival

I've written about shame, the place within/as me, us all that we dare not go, because to do so would mean giving up the illusion, having to face ourselves, and take responsibility with no strings attached. I realize that much of what I speak/write is still but ideas based in the illusion/mind/energy; this is my quest/journey to the truth of me. I know where my shame lies, and this is where I’m heading, layer by layer.

Currently, I’m focused on the polarity-layer I've defined as Survival vs. Freedom. The battle between these two concepts (survival having a negative charge, and freedom having a positive charge) has defined my entire life from the age of about 7. Survival of course means having money, which requires that I at times give-up that which I have defined as freedom, and enter into the system to work or play the money game. Why am I not free in the process of acquiring money? Because I’ve given positive definitions/energetic charges to my idea of freedom. Unfortunately, according to the law of polarity or balance, the experience of the positive (even in the illusion of/as mind) is defined by its polar opposite. In other words, that I’ve defined and participated within and as the experience of Freedom as a positive energy, requires that I also experience its equal opposite or negative energy. Thus, I’m left to also endure the negative – restriction/control/limitation. In short (as much as I have enjoyed teaching), because I had defined “not working” as a positive experience/freedom, I had tied myself to also experiencing the negative. If only I had known; if only I had understood. Yet, as I’ve always said, it's never too late to change.

I've written a basic mind construct on this topic and applied self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements to the point that, I've stopped participating in most of the energies associated with finding work and working, and I've stopped compromising myself, i.e., agreeing to do stuff for the sake of having a job and or avoiding conflict. Now, I'm going to write self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements directed at the polarities within and as which I’ve defined my space-time, so as to release the charges/definitions I’ve given to these two states of mind, so as to no longer participate in the roller-coaster ride of the world system/mind.

Self forgiveness based on Polarities

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define as positive, knowing that my schedule is flexible in the near future.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define having a flexible schedule or not being obligated to do something as “positive/freedom”, and within this not see, realize and understand that when I allowed the positive experience I was also committing myself to experience the negative as in – not being free/being obligated/having to go to work. Within this I see, realize and understand that true freedom is without polarity, not defined. I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to define myself, my space-time activities within and as polarities, and instead to walk/accomplish what I.m involved in, without judgment/definitions, so as to stop the roller-coaster ride.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define “having to go to work in the near future” as negative, thus subjecting myself to the experience of anxiousness/anxiety. I now see, realize and understand that by defining my Time as positive/negative, I tie myself to time and thus abdicate my responsibility to direct myself in/as the present/moment. Within this, I now see, realize and understand that to be responsible – self-directing me, is to be without polarities. When and as I find myself defining time or anything else within and as a polarity, I stop, breathe, let go of the energies, and direct myself to accomplish what I’m doing, stable, without energy.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define my experience on the morning of going to work, as a positive because there is no uncertainty/waiting/expecting a time to end/begin.

Day 102: Tracking down, Shame

I going to delve deeper into the meaning of the word, shame. Why, because, as the little boy said as he ran back into the house of the monster pig-headed man, “The party's just getting started and that's where the fun is!” He was right; the most fun always is – in a relative way, where the mind/system tells you not to go.

Shame, shame, shame: it's a shame I haven't, but for fleeting moments, allowed myself to go there, see, realize and understand Shame. Few on this earth have allowed themselves to go there, which is actually “here” because to understand shame, like truth, one must stand equal to all that is here, seeing/being as one, the shame of ourselves, the one truth (as there is and has always been only one) of our existence. I won't waste time speaking of “shame” in terms of religious/cultural/spiritual programming; instead I'll just get right to the point of what it is I fear about allowing myself to take responsibility for all that is here, and the shame that I am for allowing me and all as me to be as we are. Confused yet? It's just me as the mind, racing around, looking for a door to get us the hell out of here.

I have always known that in essence, I (and I would guess everyone else, too) have the ability to do anything. I have always (as far back as I could remember) known that we are all gods. For god's-sake, it's just simple logic: anything and everything that is created is created of and as it's creator, i.e., if you have to source the materials, then it's not your creation, but an ensemble of sorts. Programmed organic robots or not, we're still the ones that destroyed and built what is here, and therefore are responsible for what is here. And herein we lie shamed that after all this time, instead of adding value by planting seeds, enjoying the fruits, caring for earth, and then returning ourselves/our bodies to the dirt, we drill holes to suck it's blood dry, and even in-death refuse to give back anything, lying for one last time in lead-lined coffins, our fates forever sealed.

For me, shame is knowing that I am able to change Everything (again, simple mathematics – any point within and as the whole, that changes itself, changes the whole) Yet I choose to move so slowly that if I were able to see, I would see the turtles and snails waving as they pass me by. Some people hide in ignorance – hope, love and light, expecting that their holy wishes and prayers are somehow going to make things right, which of course they won't because if they were going to, they would already have, and clearly they haven't. I hide behind doubt and distrust, the fear of letting-down my so guard/facade, thinking that I’ll pretend I’m one of them, like a piece of the system that slowly bides its time, waiting for the moment to then spring forth and tear down the wall. Yet, to be that which I would be is to create me to be it. Thus, sooner or later I too must come out of the proverbial closet and stand and face all of me, the shame as what I/have accepted and allowed ourselves and this world to, so as to finally turn the tides of Time, to be and become more than was before. And so it has been, around and round I go with my words, a thousand words of re-arranged excuses just to get to one little point of understanding; and molecules and molecules to go... before I actually awake. Incomprehensible? You should have seen what it was like before I started righting my relationship to me, myself and I.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself/my responsibility to all that is here, and within this not stand and change what is here as me. I see, realize and understand that the fear is of losing my position in the system, that the system may retaliate against those who do not bow-down, worship, hope and pray. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being partially cast-out of the system: to lose everything is freedom, to lose just a little at a time is torture. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to let go of that which I value/fear is to return to me that which I have given up as value. In this I commit myself to stand and face the system, not from behind a mask, but as me, and walk through this evil that so many call life, so to reverse it to a way where no one need hide in fear - even from shame.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from shame as though it's something to be ashamed of which it is, yet lying in feigned ignorance will only prolong the pain. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is actually nothing to fear, not even fear itself. I see, realize and understand that fear of seeing what is here has kept me from seeing and changing what is here as me, and with this I commit myself to face this shame, not with fear, but the courage to explore and express me, not beholden to a system that is not based on what is best for all.
• I forgive that I have accepted and allowed myself to selectively forget so as to remain ignorant in the interests of mine. I see, realize and understand the memory of all that I am is here within and as me, and that I am able to open it up, explore it, forgive myself and change what is, so that I/we never never shame ourselves again. In this I commit myself to look and see all and everything of me, forgive myself for that which I have accepted and allowed in the name of self-interest, and stand for and as what is best for all.

Day 101: Shame Rant

Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame on You! What you gonna do when they come for you? What you gonna do when you stand in front of that mirror, ask yourself why you didn't stand up for your brothers and sisters – the blood of you? Where were you when the hungry cried? Where where you when the oceans died, the last tree fell, and babies cried? Where were you when the bombs subsided; what side of the two-headed coin did you choose? Hollywood, sell some cheap glue to the ghetto boys and sing the blues. Where was I and where were you; shame we didn't arrive in time.

Inside the mind of a man who has not found his shame. It's there, I can feel it and see it, but it's too dangerous bring it up. The system sees shame, as with honesty, as a weakness to be trounced upon, outcast/cutoff from the spoils, nothing more for the conscientious traitors. “Go die with the ones that care enough to be what is right and good.”

• The Black hole, everyone must have one, that place we dare not go because, because, because; why?

• Why not explore the deepest of dark holes? Because of course, you might fall in, get lost and never return.

• How could I possible loose myself, unless myself is not really me, but a program designed to get me to believe it is me?

• It's you alright, and you go down that rabbit hole, you ain't never coming back.

• What is Shame, real shame, and why haven't I found mine?

• Shame in the system is like having no money, or talking to people who aren't there (unless of-course you make a cartoon out of it – in which case they reward you with money), it's not politically correct, and you might get put away; you'll  definitely lose ALL your MONEY! They – the system, just take it away, and your friends will refuse to even ReCogNize you.

• Shame is a lonely road where only the bold may go, and once you go, you never come back.

Day 101:

Interestingly, when I scan back through much of my life, and recall the points of wanting/needing something, striving for it and getting it, I realize that those points were all of the starting point of mind/energy/fear, projected onto a goal, leading me to physically move myself to achieve that goal. And then after a fleeting moment of relief/accomplishment/security projected onto a point of having achieved something, the next challenge/want/need/desire would come along. And so it has been: me chasing an idea/image of me that I had created in my mind, believing/hoping that obtaining these goals would lead to some form of real satisfaction/contentment/happiness that remained forever as who I am. But it never stayed because it was never me, just experiences, mined/energy defined, accepted and allowed by me because I believed it to be real. It's a vicious cycle, believing that we are all entitled to more and more and more.

So much waste; why don't we human beings simply open our eyes and deal with the reality that is here, instead of chasing our wants/needs/desires – fear based illusions, of the mind? Why is it that so few of us seem to realize or care that, within a closed system with limited resources, the “more” we get and have, the less there is for the rest? The statistics are easy to easy enough to read: 22,000 children dying needlessly each day due to poverty; three-billion living on less than $2.50 a day, dead zones in the ocean..., and the list goes on. In case anyone wants to know who's responsible for all this misery, look no further than me and my TV's, computers, cars, motorcycles..., and the rest of us who sit back in comfortable chairs, thinking, believing that there's nothing we can do.

In the past, I have been asked “what are you going to do about it?” My answer is quite simple: change myself to become a force that stands for and considers what is best for all. The only way for All to have more is for all to equally have more, equality and oneness. It's the way we all should have been moving all along, yet somewhere along the line we went wrong – forward in spite and self-interest to arrive at where we are now, a world in reverse. So let's just right it by writing and walking the change.

Day 99: More on Change and the Symbolism of Words

Change, I define as the difference between two or more points. Each point/moment/breath is an opportunity to direct self to become that which One is becoming (Humpty Dumpty putting self back together again), within/as A-wareness: either here in/as the present/gift to be lived, or not here but instead lying in status as Energy/Ion separated from self, lost in the illusION / religION of the mind. Change, as in becoming what one is becoming is a point or points that no longer hide in fear within and as the illusion [ill us(ed) ION] or religion [re lig(ed) ION] of and as energy. Whether the ION experience is positive, negative or neutral does not matter because it is all of the same source/starting point of friction/conflict to transform substance/physicality into mind energy. Change is measurable as the accumulation of breath/moments: from that of charged particles/mind/ion, to awareness equal and One with all that is physically here in and as the present. From here, the obvious key is to remain here, unchanged and unchained, innocent and free of all charges.

I enjoy exploring words, the sound/physical energy symbolism imbedded into and as the words themselves. Words are part of the code by which we as human beings are programmed. What is cool is that, once we realize that our words are who we are and thus – our responsibility to and as such words, we are then (through writing and speaking) able to change ourselves to become self-directed physical beings living for and as what is best for all. In other words, it's all in the words, and within understanding our words, we are able to self-direct ourselves to redefine/change our words, thus changing ourselves and becoming living words that create outflows that are best for all.

Self-forgiveness

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that every word that I think, speak and/or write will create within and as it, outflows either of consequence or that which is best for all. Within this, I see, realize and understand that to stand as what is best for all, is to be – think/speak/write, only words that will create outflows that will be best for all. In this, I commit myself to guard/monitor my thoughts, words and deeds so as to become the change that is best for all.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to in moments/breathes, not be here and as such, miss opportunities to direct myself here in/as the physical. I see, realize and understand that within this life, opportunities are limited, and within this I commit myself to be more diligent – aware of the moments as breaths, so as to move me out of the mind's energy and into physical living.

Day 98: Round and round the merry-go-round

Round and round I go, sitting around with nothing to do. Too much time on my hands, if only I had something productive to do. Move myself, I say to myself, and I do, I move, but it's still only me and a stranger sitting next to me. I call for my friend, Happy to outside for a walk with me. She declines, resting instead her head back on the comfortable floor. Yet when I go downstairs and fiddle around in the car, she comes scurrying down as to say, “Hey! I'm ready to get in, let's go.” I've sat around enough, cleaned the house and washed the curtains, and now I too am ready to move – somewhere, somewhere where there is a need, a use for me. Yet I care not for the crowded city of Taipei, too much cement for me. Not the isolated mountain-sides either, not enough company for me. So where shall I go; perhaps Taichung – Taiping shan, it's said to a be pretty-cool place.

Once again I feel as though I’m in the wrong place (translation: I feel like running). It's not about money, and it is all money, all about money. I have plenty, more than I need, so I've said. Yet, for some it is never enough. I would prefer to be doing something/working at least part of my time rather than just sitting around the house, alone. I remember once reading that one should be where there is the most opposition/difficulty – something to that affect. And so I’ve justified my staying with the opposite of me. I enjoy living in our big house, and in the past, haven't so much enjoyed living in the those small ones with little to no furniture with nobody there except for me. I do not care to return to my old social scenes; I've been there and done that, and in the long run, it hurt. Relationships, relationships, relationships: the door beacons, yet I refuse to be lured into that, that sense of security that comes about when all are just like me.

I stop writing for a while, and I read “Creations Journey to Life” blogs. Suddenly I am reminded that all of these thoughts are not even me. A surge of something flows through my entire body, and I’m back. Wondering what the hell just happened – where have I been all day? I realize that I’ve just been lost in energy. I laugh because it seems so petty, yet how easy it was for me to fall again into the thoughts, feelings and emotions. I wish they would just stop, yet I realize that only I am able to do that. I realize that whatever I decide to do in the next week or month of two, the only course that is sure is the path of that which is best for all. What is best for all is for me to change me to a being that no longer falls into energy, traps of the mind. Perhaps then I’ll see what is best for the rest that are still lost and asleep.

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the situation – without the influence of energy.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my dog and wife as an excuse to not move myself. I see, realize and understand that it's not necessary to stay here, and it is not necessary to go; only that I move/direct myself here in/as that which is physical.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I don't have to stay here either; I am able to continue my process anywhere in the world.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto another, my feeling of being out of place.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge another for the way the way they spend their time, and within this not see, realize and understand it's their time to sped – not mine.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate/feel and believe that I am trapped, unable to leave because I’ve attached value onto having property/security.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to value property, and within this not see, realize and understand that what I value is just fear of loosing my security. I now see that my prison cell/house lies within and as the value within and as that which I have placed as being separate from me. I now realize that it is the value that I must let go of.

Day 97: Writing to Right

Mine eyes have perceived an image of me, and although I’ve perceived there may be worse, I realize there is much more to me than just this perception. I no longer agree to view images through the TV inside/as my mind; I will see, being that which is here. If only it were as simple as speaking/writing the words: “I'll bet it is,” says the little voice in my head, “there's always a back door, a shortcut to bypass those suckers.” To which I respond, “That would be death, and it's probably just another trap.”

This is the kind of stuff I write (yet only sometimes post) when the energy inside of me wants to whine – do anything else but write out the the energies – big and small that curse through the veins. I would have thought that after having forty plus years of experience dealing with and often ignoring the energy inside, this energy itself would have given up. But no, it persist because like me who insist on righting it, we're both one in the same. Kind of cool, walking with myself to overcome my self ego-I to win this war, even without the use of a backdoor program. After all, what kind of programmer would I be is I wasn't able to deprogram and reprogram me?

This morning when awakening, before opening my eyes, I put my fingers to the eye sockets, nose, and lips. Touching to see without using the mind's/image. Each time I asked myself “what is this, what am I?” and, like magic an image appeared. I realize that the image that appears in the mind is just a representation of the past, blurred by time, memories of pictures, emotions and feelings. Who am I; what am I without an image in the mind's eye of me? The answer is easy enough, substance. The image that appears in the mind is just energy derived (so I have learned) by consuming the the physical/being/substance to transform into energy – so as to view and experience the image.

Have a look at the images of Heaven we all keep hidden away in our minds. Most are probably special, the happy place in the mind where everything is going to be OK because one day that's where we'll be – with grandma and grandpa, whee! Not mine (image) of heaven; it's not that sweet. So why, if heaven is such a wonderful place to be, don't more people just kill themselves and be on their merry way? Because there is doubt: deep down inside they fear a grave mistake has been made, maybe they've been conned. Imagine being inside the minds of one of those “praise Jesus Christ” folks. I mean, I see/write what comes out of me, and it's sometimes fun, but usually not. Yet to even imagine being trapped inside one of those minds that believes/hopes/preys that some god is will come and save them (let alone that they must die for even the opportunity), that's, that's just another story. Which, having a look at what I've just written (fun/sarcastic) brings me back to a reality wherein, one mind the other, we're all trapped, coping in our own ways. Honestly, if I ever get out of this place / the mind, my plan is to stay – not just run away; stay until all are free.

I sometimes enjoy writing like this. Fortunately or unfortunately for me, I’ve got more important issues such as writing out the energy that's been buzzing around in my stomach since this morning. Once again, it has to do with work – keeping my hours down and finding a place close by. What's interesting is that, since I’ve written this, the energy in my stomach has dissipated even though I didn't write about the energies themselves; or did I? It's all in the words, and regardless of what words one uses and or abuses, the essence of the being comes through; perhaps not as clearly as in the spoken word, yet it's still here. And now I see why it's so important to write (every day); even though I may write around the subject, I’m still writing, righting me.

Self forgiveness and self corrective statements

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the real – unsimulated me does not require a simulation see me or tell me who I am. Within this, I commit myself to following through on this plan(et) to breaking out of this simulated mind-reality.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the real me / a new me emerges within and as each breath that is without simulation, and the more I am without simulation, the closer I come to seeing/hearing/being here.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to play the game of not seeing and within this game, not take responsibility for all as me. It's like I got so used to the game simulation that I've been afraid to return, fearing it's too late to go back, and within this not realize that it's not about going back, but about stopping the energy and moving myself.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be labeled, identified as a singularity, separate from all that is one me.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to energize myself into “thinking” that it's time to find a job, instead of simply moving myself to go an find a place that I’d like to work. I see, realize and understand that moving myself in this reality does not require energy, just some practice. Within this I commit myself to (tomorrow and the next day, and so on) to moving myself without (or at least less and less) energy.

Day 96: Energy Entity

The other day I reacted to seeing one of my posts reposed. Illogical yes, but that's what reactions are, illogical. It was an energy-entity type reaction, not so much associated with a personality as much as it was latent unaddressed guilt for having judged myself as not moving/asserting myself equal to my ability. By, “asserting myself” I'm referring to: posting blogs everyday, writing self-forgiveness, waking-up humanity, etc. I have all sorts of excuses for not doing more, yet none of them have anything to do with what's physically here. It's more as though I'm waiting for something (I picked that up from one of the Atlantean interviews, and seems to fit).    I have been waiting for something; I just don't know what it is or how long I’ve been waiting, and now I’ve begun to wonder if “waiting” isn't just another mind construct designed to keep me stuck in limbo, just waiting for the right moment.

Getting back to my reaction: I was quite surprised because I saw myself as having just gotten over a hump – kind of like transcending some points, and suddenly there I was, reacting. What is also interesting is that, after looking at what I had reacted to, I realized that my reactions were completely unfounded – based totally on my own suppressed self-judgment and guilt. After half an hour or so I had stabilized myself, yet I realized that the cause / starting point of this energy-entity is probably still lurking within me. So, my plan is to target it with self-forgiveness while at the same time, digging deeper into what it is that I’m waiting for, why is it that I spend so much time in wait. I've always seen myself as being capable of accomplishing absolutely anything and everything that I determined to accomplish. Perhaps that's the problem, deep down inside I fear exposing the image of myself as just that, an image.

One thing that I appreciate is that, the points to be dealt with, generally don't come up all at once, they come up when I’m ready to face them. Also the Eqafe interviews: I used to see them as knowledge and information, the secrets of the universe, and now I’m more noticing the assistance they provide. I have a budget to listen to only so many of those per month, and with a library to choose from it has sometimes been hit or miss, especially when I “think” about which ones to choose. So, these days I just look for titles that stand out/ring a bell, and this method seems to be working. Information and assistance all is right here; seeing it is just a point of standing equal to it, being ready to here.

Self-forgiveness

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to react in guilt – fearing that I had been called-out/caught/busted, and within this not see, realize and understand that the point of guilt is the part of me that knows what I require to do, yet isn't doing it. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that doing is also the point of learning to do; it's like the chicken and the egg, they both moved at the same time, and so too must I do so as to learn how to do it; i.e., write self-forgiveness to see what it is that I require to write. Within this, I now see, realize and understand that the writing self-forgiveness is also the process of seeing what it is that needs to be written; doing it is just a question of writing and seeing what gets written. Therefore, when and as I find myself at the point of “not having an idea about what to write self-forgiveness on; I stop the thoughts and simply begin typing and see what comes out of me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as guilt for not moving myself according to my response abilities, and within this not realize and understand that it's not necessary for me to always wait for points to come up as energy; I am able to pull them out by targeting personalities, expanding on the little points, etc., until something comes up. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only the big reactions are worth writing about, and within this, miss the little points – which are actually the big points. In this, I commit myself to stop waiting for the points to come out of me, and go inside the mind and find them.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not moving/asserting myself equal to my ability to do so, and within this not see that my self-judgment is the act of me excusing myself to not take self-responsibility for that point. I commit myself to stop this “whatever” attitude, and challenge myself to see where it is that I haven't been.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m required to wait for the right moment at which point I miraculously manifest myself into a being worthy of life..., and within this not see, realize and understand “my own” tactics of luring myself/opponent into a state of self complacency – believing that there's plenty of time: mind manipulation used against myself to get what the mind wants, take it easy, sit back and relax. I now see, realize and understand that the only one inside of me is me, and that my state of complacency that I've been experiencing for quite some time now is a state of mind, the opposite polarity of worried haste. In this I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the key to being more than before is self movement, consistently challenging myself so as to be more than before. Herein I commit myself to at each point of comfort, challenge myself to explore more within and as what is best/more for all.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to limit my self determination to points within my comfort zone, and within this not see, realize and understand that I’ve been catering to fear of failure. I now see, realize and understand that in not pushing myself to explore more of me, I was “staying safe,” locked away in fear. Thus, I commit myself to each time I sit down to write/walk/breathe/express, take the exploration just one step further to see what's here.

Day 95: What is Change?

Looking at humanity's history of the usage of the word, change, I see that (like most words in this world), it has been used and abused to evoke positive images of more money, prosperity, beauty, etc. While that which physically matters such as the environment, nature, animal kingdom, people, clean air, and so forth, are ignored as if they were not living parts of all that is here. The illusion that banker/politicians and the media propaganda would have us believe is that beneficial changes for all, begin at the top, work their way down, and all that the people need do is borrow and consume. For the human race that has valued only money while ignoring what is here as life, change is and has always been a constant race to the Finish line, self-annihilation, death by consumption. The tell tale signs that we are nearing this finish line are all around us: the water and oil wells are drying up, food stocks are dwindling, and noticeably – instead of expanding the money supply inline with a growing economy, bankers/governments are printing money as though it will magically restore economic growth. It won't, and nothing short of radical change on the individual and collective levels, is going to save us from finally reaching the finish-line of self-consumption.

Collective Change

On a collective level, real change is change that will benefit ALL aspects of life – animals, plants, humans, etc. It begins with the simple acknowledgment that All life is equal and as such, fighting for the right to have more is a crime against life. Nothing is separate and thus correcting the whole requires addressing needs of each individual piece of the whole. It's a process that must be walked in space-time and will require that we let go of much – all that we once perceived ourselves to be – as in separation. 

I started writing this with the intent to define change so as to benchmark my process. I now see that change as in where I’m heading is undefined. Interesting.  I have been walking this process of change (with Desteni) for some time now. It's a cool journey that isn't always pleasant because it's a process of letting go of that which I once beLIEved was me; writing-out the pre-programmed aspects of me, forgiving/deleting them so as to let them go, writing the new program in the form of self-corrective statements, and then walking these statements to the point that they become me.

Self forgiveness

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to desire and search for a definition of “change,” and within this not see, realize and understand that change within/as life is to be lived – not defined. For what is the difference between two points but the steps that are walked in between. Within this I see, realize and understand that no one tell me what change within and as me is, because I’m the one who must walk/live it. Herein I commit myself to let go of my preconceived ideas of change, and instead just live in/as the points where I happen to be.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to believe that change would be easy, and within this not realize that to reverse me, I must first stop me by letting go of that which I thought was me; everything.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to secretly believe that I would be able to hold on to some aspects of me, and within this still not get it – if I have to hold onto it, it isn't me. Here, I commit myself to explore those aspects of me that I have judged as worth holding onto, and see what happens when I let go of them.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and idea that, the consumer/human race ends with self-consumption, and within this not see, realize and understand that – like me, the future is ultimately determined within/as the present, and as such we are able to change it.

Chinese New Year Holiday

Going back to sleep and waking up again, I see me as the mind attempting to jump in here and there to explain to me this and advise on that – how it is, could would and should be. As I watched for it and each time stopped it – usually only to an extent, I realized that my mind is just me, sometimes trying to be helpful, but mostly caught up in the fear – wants, needs and desires, dividing and disguising, using the conscious, subconscious and certainly the unconscious to keep even me as the mind/being/physical relationship from seeing/realizing the whole me. It's like having double and triple agents within and as me (multiple personalities perhaps), manipulating each other/me behind the scenes so as to get/have/save their pieces of the pie. Like a mother who is afraid and so refuses to let go: every Bit of energy – memories, thoughts, imagination, backchat, reaction, etc., is of the starting point of Fear – wants, needs and desire to survive/prevail. I didn't completely see the target of my most recent manipulation before, and even if I had, it is questionable whether I would have done very much differently. 

It's that time of year again when millions hit the road, all at same time. As for me, I usually get away a week or so before hand when the roads are still almost empty. During the last 4 days, I’ve remained quite stable – not exciting nor exhausting, just breathing. I drove down with an Australian friend to Puli, a small city in central Taiwan, met up with a friend who was currently attending an aboriginal wedding banquet, hung out with the local gangsters/politicians, went to the local karaoke bar, watched a mind-demon come out in my friend, assisted him to not hurt himself or anther, went to a barbecue  looked into some job prospects, did some sightseeing, and that was it for the first two days. In looking back, what I note about that area and events is that it's not the place I had imagined it to be – kind of like, been there, done that, and it doesn't match the Idea. Moving on to the third day: We drove more into the mountains to a friend's hot-spring for some camping and hiking. There was a group of 60 Taekwondo high-school students for which my friend was providing rooms and food, including roasting a whole pig, aboriginal style. Seeing the pig staked and tied to the cross bars, I was reminded of Jesus, us/me, and how we stake and crucify ourselves to the crosses we ware/bare. I recalled my dream of cannibalism because the pig, opened up and flattened-out looked almost like an human carcase with a pig head. It wasn't a sadness that I experienced, but a realization of the indignity that so many endure in both life and death. The pig was and is equal and one with the flesh/dirt of the Earth, as is the flesh of me. I watched and assisted in both the carving and eating of the pig. It tasted lean – probably a local. What I’ve noted from the two days/nights that we stayed there is that, 1) my friend's alcohol-induced demon again returned, this time in what could have more harmful consequences; and 2) that my appeal to that particular hot-spring and others like it has always been embellished/tainted by relationships that I’ve connected to these places.

Four days later, after having dropped off my friend, and picked up my wife and dog, I've been staying with my wife's family in in a small town outside of Chaiyi city, Taiwan. It's more like a town on either side of a main road with houses that look as though they were once inhabited by proud farmers. Today the look and feel is as though the able bodied have gone to the cities for work and a life away from the pesticide tainted waters, birth defects and all that come with pesticide-dependent farming, the uneducated quest for greater/profits/yields. Mostly we've just been in the family-house with the TV on. The food is simple and tasty – fun to eat, especially after I add some fresh hot-chili pepper that I always keep on the side. The dishes that are not finished at dinner are reassembled, recooked and served for lunch, then again for dinner, and so on. Main activities are lunch and dinner, playing mahjong, drinking, smoking, occasionally chewing on binlang (betelnut), and of course watching TV. Having just eaten lunch, sitting in front of the TV, I commented to my brother in law: “In the past, people would get together and have fun; these days they just watch the staged fun on TV.” Then it occurred to me that, even when they were having fun in the past, interacting together, it was still to an extent scripted inter-acting. Conversing, watching a play, reading a book, playing a video game..., as long as it goes through the mind, is part of a simulation, the product/s of separating ourselves again and again, as in – universal exponential-simulation, to the point where one might ask: would the real me in all of this, please stand up. In the past, there were many times that I sat in this same spot, bored and wanting to be somewhere else. This time around, I was not bored, I don't do that anymore. Instead I just kept on breathing, observing, and sometimes participating. Overall I remained stable, which is cool because the roller-coaster rides that I experienced in the past – of wanting to experience something else had almost always led to the consequences of a reality not on par with the desire/illusion. So this time around, I stayed out of the illusions, and directed my participation – seeing just where I was at.

I’ve always perceived my wife and in-laws – such an appropriate word, as being quite traditional, only speaking when there is pertinent information to convey, such as “it's time for dinner, who's going to play mahjong, and so on.” Like most people in my reality, I have little to no idea who they really are or what they are thinking, and these days I don't even try to guess, which is cool because it shows me (in comparison to how I’ve been) that I am letting go of many of the definitions/illusions that I used to carry along within/as me. Usually on the second or third day at the latest (at the family house), I would have found a way to get out of there, go camping, party with friends, etc. This time around, I/we stayed for a full four days because I realized that wherever I go, it's always just going to be me that I have to deal with. And within this understanding, I've come to see more clearly where it is that I am standing, sliding and stalling, and my level of awareness which is the status of my process of peeling off the layers of me to manifest me into a new being.

I've written this over the course of about two weeks, adding, editing, deleting..., and what I've realized is that I have been diligent in stopping/curtailing thoughts, and thus have enjoyed occasional moments. Yet, it was only after I returned home and listened to an Anu interview called, “Deliberately Sabotaging my own process,” that I started seeing some of the finer points of my self-manipulation that slipped by. During and before this New Year Time, I had been focused on the question of: to drink or not drink alcohol. I chose to do both within moderation, observation and self-direction, which worked and it didn't work. It worked in that I did just sip wine and or drink beer in moderation, yet it didn't work in that I had missed the point – the point of trying to hang on to non-supportive relationships, hoping that I could turn around and reassembled into something supportive – part of the new.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as apathy to change – defined as stubbornness, believing/hoping that I might change parts of me while at the same time, keeping other parts to me (as in selective relationships) the same. I now see, realize and understand that relationships that are based on fulfilling a want/need/desire/experience instead of on what is best for all, will only prolong this process that I am walking. Perhaps, change is like truth; there is only One and for that to be it must apply equally to all parts of me.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to decide on a course of action, and instead of writing it out and examining it, kept it to myself. In this particular case, I had decided I would entertain the traditional/annual Chinese New Year relationships, and see how changed the new me was/is. The conclusion is that my change is progressing, yet still incomplete. Within this I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my much of my motivation within all of this was simply, to entertain myself.
• I forgive my that I had accepted and allowed myself to use holidays as an excuse to entertain myself, instead of simply/honestly stating my intentions.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what I was experiencing was energy – wants and desires of personalities activating and energizing, and within this that I allowed myself to miss the point of relationships – how they function within/as personalities/mind.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I would be able to control an alcohol-induced mind demon in my friend, and within this not see, realize and understand the prevailing danger posed by a mind gone physical. I now realize that being around drunken suppressed minds poses substantial risks, and I realize that prevention is probably the easiest form of assistance for all involved.