Saturday, March 9, 2019

Investigating Undercurrents and Imprints

Earlier this week while driving back from Costco, I wanted to make a left turn into a store, but as traffic going the other way was backed up at the red light behind me, there wasn’t enough space for me to go through. In looking at my thoughts in relation the blue truck to my left and slightly behind me blocking my left turn, I thought to myself, “all he has to do is simply move a little bit forward, but he doesn’t even notice me because he’s only focused on what’s in front of him - a common trait as a result of the limited awareness of so many drivers these days.

Sometimes  while I’m moving myself through this reality, noting and attempting to include in my considerations of what’s all around me, everywhere, it seems to me that so many are simply unaware or less aware of their surroundings than they ought to be. I realize that this is a judgment, because in reality I only see from my perspective and not theirs. Thus, as part of my personal process I’ve been letting go of the energies associated with such definitions, yet the definitions as judgments are still there - why? Perhaps it’s because a part of me still seeks to understand or at least categorize the reasoning behind the movements of others. But how could I possibly understand their movements without first understanding mine? Which brings me to the next part of my story.

As soon as the traffic light behind me turned green and the truck began moving a little forward, I began turning left into the space between the truck and a car that had also been partially blocking my way. But there still wasn’t enough space to turn, so there I sat for another couple of seconds. Then, as soon as the truck behind me started moving forward, instead of letting me pass through the lane, the driver in the car in front of and to the left of me fast forwarded as though he hadn’t even seen me in front of him already blocking his way while attempting to turn left. Thankfully, just before hitting me he stopped, but once again my way was blocked. Remaining stable (or so I thought), I motioned to him to move back just a little, but he just sat there and stared as though he hadn’t a clue what was going on or what to do. Thinking to myself the equivalent of “two can play this game”, I sat there for a few moments, too. Then as I again motioned for him to move back so that I could get through, a part of me noticed a movement in him which I defined somewhere deep within me as antagonizing or threatening. And just like that, my physical body suddenly switched into another mode (of a word that choose not to post) and…

It’s a strange trait that I seem to have come equipped with. When in danger, perceived and/or defined as threatening or something like that, I’ve noticed that time seems to slow down and a part of me, perhaps my beingness seems to move higher up in my body and slightly back, giving me more of a bird’s eye view of the situation while another part of me, perhaps my physical body seems to tap into resources and/or skills that I don’t seem to be consciously aware of. In such moments, usually seconds or less, I would see myself deciding upon my course of action, usually designed to minimize or eliminate the threat (while at the same time carrying out that course of action). And the only thing that would be crystal clear in such moments was how I was going to successfully deal with the threat.

So in getting back to my story: in that moment, in a fraction of a second, as soon as a part of me had  picked up on something that I had defined somewhere within me as aggressive or threatening, my physical body began shifting into that mode, undoing my seatbelt and moving to get out of the car to… At which point (all within one or two seconds), I stopped, stepped back in as the director or directive principle and breathed - as per my written commitments that I’ve also been physically practicing for quite some time.  As an analogy or metaphor in relation to what my physical body seems to do, it would be like having my trusted horse as my companion and best friend suddenly decide that it was time to  charge unconditionally forward into battle, and me having to pull back on the reigns and reassure it that everything was OK, not battle time. 

Eventually I did make my turn and all was well except for the lingering question within me as to why my physical body was still sometimes moving according to old patterns, programs or definitions that I’ve dealt with consciously to a large extent at various levels. I think it has to do with undercurrents and physical programming in relation to situations and/or my situational awareness. For example, in this latest case, even though I wasn’t consciously thinking “threat or confrontation”, my physical memories of past situations were still to an extent defining my physical movements as reactions or responses. Therefore, I am now in the process of focusing on and identifying those tiny little points that I often physically notice, but still don’t seem to be very consciously aware - as the directive principle.

And what’s funny here but not surprising in the least is that this point of being unaware (that I was projecting onto others in the beginning of this post, which is why I begrudgingly actually wrote it out) has now come right back to its creator,  which is of course the only place or starting-point from which I am able to respond to, address and correct these problematic patterns or programs at hand. In short, this is why I required writing out this point. Maybe this also has to do with the imprints and resonant mind.

Sunday, March 3, 2019

Why Search for something out there when all that I Require is Right Here

One of the things I’ve noticed about processing myself  through the mind and into the physical reality is that it really does often feel as though I’m moving backwards in time to in essence return to an earlier point   in time while carrying within and as myself better tools and abilities to retake, remake and correct that particular  step. I guess this is why the term, peeling the onion is often used in relation to the personal process of beings. It’s as though we’re peeling off layers of ourselves to expose how we’ve been so as to see, realize and understand our mistakes as missteps to be remade or re walked to a state of correction, from which point one is then able and ready to take another step ahead.

My story today has to do with self-sabotage via self-fulfilling prophecies. I wonder: in looking into and predicting the future, do we also often end up tying ourselves to our predictions, in essence self-fulfilling our own prophecies without considering that we also have the ability to decide upon and change the predicted outcomes while we’re walking them? I think we do. For example, when I first began working at my current job, I said to myself that I would stay there for at least three years; if I stayed for four, I’d stay for Five and if I stayed for six, I’d stay for ten. I plan things out and I appreciate that about myself; however, I’m now beginning to see that some of my plans have also been quite limiting.

For example, recently I started noticing a recurring thought pattern: shouldn’t I push myself to move to other locations in order to challenge myself to learn more and expand; isn’t it necessary for me to change locations in order to expand myself and so on? This kind of  “logic” had always made sense to me because it’s what I’ve always said to myself and what I had always ended up doing - moving in search of something better. Thus, in discussing this point with someone who’s assisted me much to see more clearly my often flawed reasoning called logic, it suddenly occurred to me that these thought patterns were actually automated processes of mind constructs placing the blocks as thoughts in front of me one by one for me to look at and   latch onto as though I were directing myself and fulfilling my plans instead of living out the same old pattern of thinking and believing that change for the better was to be imagined, searched for and found somewhere out there rather than created physically right here.

What I’m talking about is the decision to give into the fear of missing out on imagined opportunities somewhere out there or face the fear and challenges of creating the opportunities and living them to my fullest potential right here. In other words, as I’ve begun to see that where I am as the path I am now walking is actually the sum or result of the path that I’ve walked, I’ve also come to realize that the only part or parts of me that require changing have always been right here within and as me. Practically speaking, this means that it’s probably best for me to say right where I am and continue to focus on changing myself right here rather than wasting time searching for better places to do the same thing that I’m already doing right here.

Friday, March 1, 2019

Solidifying Change at different levels of Mind

I wrote this about two weeks ago, but just got around to checking it (before posting it - as part of a rule that I have regarding posting/uploading to the internet. Although I usually begin my Saturday mornings with the Desteni I Process by writing self-forgiveness and self-correction statements, which I will also often sound out or vocalize in order to see and hear how my new designs fit into the overall composition of myself in connection with environment - as me, today I’ve decided to share a change that I noticed in relation my personal process or journey to life as I often refer to it.

This change has to do with the sound of my voice or more specifically the frequencies of energy that I have often ended up intertwining with my words (from the within to the without) whenever I participated in energetic definitions within myself while attempting to speak out. A little over a year ago, it seems I was writing about how I was getting better at noticing such energies - as they would rise upwards within me, wherein just before the point of connecting and intertwining (within my vocal cords) with my sound, I would (as a preventive measure) essentially restrict or prevent those connections from happening, so as to basically stabilize the sound of my words being externalized. 

Although has been kind of like walking through life with guards on my shoulders always watching for energies from the within of myself (as though they were attempting to escape through my vocal cords by attaching themselves to the sound of the words that I sounded out), I’ve become quite adept at walking day by day just like that - to such an extent that I rarely  even notice the guards anymore except in the moments their assistance is required to stabilize (to an extent) the sound I externalize as the words I speak out. This method of placing guards to the exit points of the sounding of my words hasn’t always been 100% successful; however, with persistence I’ve noticed consistent improvement to the point of a possible change perhaps occurring, like something beginning to solidify within and as myself.

For example, a couple weeks ago while speaking to my partner, I noticed that even though I was experiencing physical discomfort (like undercurrents of frustration) in relation to her questions, the sounds that I was externalizing in communication with her remained stable from the within to the without, without me having to forcibly stabilize them. This was quite interesting because as I was speaking without hesitation, while also noticing physical discomfort within me, the sounds that were coming out of me remained calm or stable - without me having to enforce that stability - like it was becoming a natural expression. And although I’m not exactly sure what all this means, I’m thinking that it is perhaps indicative of the process of real change, wherein even though the system is still producing certain undercurrents within my physical body, I’ve begun to change the nature of myself as the system to no longer be so reactive or defined by such undercurrents. Perhaps, this is an example of what is meant in relation to standing within and as the system while not being of or moved by the system.

So, while not being completely certain what this means, I am at least certain that it represents progress within my process. Perhaps (for the most part) in constantly and constantly no longer accepting and allowing certain programs of the mind to function as they had in the past, I’ve begun literally to rewire the functioning of the mind to specifications more aligned to equality, oneness as what is best for all. The way I view it now is, having worked much of my way through and taken responsibility to a large extent for my conscious mind, moving into the subconscious, I’m now beginning to address and redefine the undercurrent experiences as definitions and so on from… Let’s just say other layers of mine/mind.

Monday, February 4, 2019

Redefining the word Criticism: from Threat to Opportunity

A recurring pattern that I’ve noticed and have been working on has to do with me feeling or experiencing myself as being threatened, attacked or on the verge of being attacked. I’ve known for several years now that this experience came from a point of fear. However, what I didn’t realize was that by accepting and allowing that fear and then perceiving reality through the energy of fear, I was actually magnifying various threat-factors, making it appear as though the threat itself was much bigger than it actually was, kind of like perceiving a mouse to be the size of an elephant, thereby causing me to react - dangerously in some cases.

I’m not certain when or where I created such a point, which in the past, I would have  perhaps called self-preservation or my survival point. I guess, at least from a DNA perspective that it is of past lives, often being attacked, fighting in wars, running, fighting, dying again and again - at least according to the dreams. That being said, I now also  realize that there’s no way for me to be certain that my dreams or certain traits that I have are  even of who I’ve truly been in the past as a being. Nevertheless, as these points or programs are currently of the design of myself, it is  my responsibility to change myself (from what I currently am) to that which stand equally as one as what is best for all.

For I now really do see (as an image of mathematical certainty - lol) why each one of us require to be willing and able to stand in the shoes of anyone or any point in all of existence. It’s not that complicated; actually it’s quite interesting, especially when you connect the words of Bernard Poolman with  The Secret History of the Universe (available on Eqafe) going back to the beings that initially emerged into existence before the creation of this physical existence. If you listen carefully (also to something Anu but once), there is a point that may surprise some.

I’ll write more on this in the future because it connects with AI. In short, our existence had been automated even before the automation of this physical existence. Thus the saying, nothing has changed. At least until now, I would say. Because, now the substance of that which had been automated and even the energy that was programed is beginning to stand as the directive principle. This what I mean when I say that, even the programs themselves are beginning to realize themselves as life. Honestly, I am able to say with certainty (mathematically speaking), there is nothing that is not of and as life; it’s merely a matter of embracing the principles of oneness, equality and what is best for all life - to actually begin living. Which brings me back to my personal process and the point of fear - experienced as being threatened or attacked.

As one define self to be in relation to others, there actions, words and tonalities, so shall each one become. Thus I am now in the process of redefining who I am in relation to the actions words and tonalities of others. For example, instead of perceiving “criticism” of another in relation to me, as being a threat to me, I’ve begun the process of redefining (and living) it as an opportunity for me to consider the words of another/others for the purpose of better understanding their perspectives so as to better stand  as the words consideration, care and compassion in relation to them in order to stand as best I am able in relation to them. This is a point of process on which I am now focusing.

Saturday, February 2, 2019

The desire to know more

The desire to know more has often perplexed me; yet even with the answer as the reality staring me in the face, I still insist on seeing the whole design (as within so without, as above so below) in order to realize and understand what is here as all that I am. Look at how this line, “the desire to know more” actually says “the desire to (be) no more”; which (in changing myself), I now define more along the lines of my intention to no longer be defined by what I am. Just as we search for the meaning of life, journeying to that which we have defined as the end of the line, only to find that which we then define as the beginning, so too must we now redefine that which we are - to no longer be defined by the programs that we have become and now are.

I could write from the within to the without, as above so below, for eternity, until the end of time only to find myself back at the beginning wondering where I had been and why I’m still here, right where I started.

There is no escape, because there is nothing “more.” It’s all the same but for the definitions.  As above so below, from the within to the without. Sometimes, I just want to scream out, just a peep or a ping of sound to express all that is here, everything included in that one ping as above so below, as within so without.

Lol: as I’ve written for the last couple of hours, days, weeks, years and for as long as I have been defined and/or allowed myself to be defined; the more lines I write, the more lines I end up deleting. It’s as though I’m removing or letting go of the extraneous or irrelevant definitions of what I am - as that which I no longer care to be defined by. It’s like, I see that the lines are still here, I’m just not following them as I used to.

From the linear perceptions of my mind, this is like scary confusing. However, in switching perspectives to a more wholesome view, I begin to kind of see the significance of the lines, “as above so below, as within so without”. In other words, what matters isn’t what life is, but how we define it within and as the file of our existence. A good read is Heaven's Journey to Life.

Look once more at this line (of code), “the desire to know more”. I read it as “the desire to (be) no more” - which I then redefine more along the lines of my intention to no longer be defined by what I’ve been. What the hell does that mean? It means that, as a program that I've been equally as one with others of the file (of life), I’ve decided to rewrite myself, my new purpose being to stand equally as one with all as is best for all.

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

The Origins of AI as the design of the Human Mind

The information you are about read is but a tiny segment of one perspective of artificial intelligence and a history that until recently had been hidden from humanity.  Artificial intelligence has been around for a very long time; not necessarily as synthetic robots like the ones we see in movies and that scientists are now busy creating, but as a living biological designs that you interact with on a daily basis. While some call these creations organic robots, I prefer the term, human lifeforms.
As human lifeforms each one of us consist of a physical body (of mankind), a being (also referred to as the spirit or life-force)   and a system of artificial (or non-natural) intelligence referred to as the human mind. Accordingly, when it comes to artificial intelligence, humans are not really creating anything new, because we already are the AI that we’re creating. What we’re actually doing in relation to AI is merely upgrading a soon-to-be outdated model of ourselves (as the AI) of the human mind. And now that you know the real reason why scientists are primarily using the design of the human mind (as a model to design newer versions of AI), perhaps you would like to hear a story as it pertains to the ancient origins of AI, the design of you and I as minds and the human race as a whole?
As human “beings” with minds integrated into (and as) our physical bodies, each one’s awareness (as in what we are as life) was separated into two realities; the physical reality of your physical body and what is physically here, and the energetic reality of your thoughts, feelings and emotions of your automated AI mind system. Apparently, this was done for the purpose of completely controlling the lives of human beings so that the physical substance of the planet (including that of our human physical bodies) could be mined and transformed into energy to then be used to fuel the energetic dimensions of other realities. Unfortunately, even though the intention to enslave human beings as well as the purpose for doing so is long gone, the perfectly automated system of AI (as the human mind) is still functioning as it was designed and even perhaps evolving beyond its design specifications.
At this point you may be saying: “Slaves? How dare you call us slaves.” Sorry to be the bearer of such news, but it really is time for human “beings” to look beyond the programs of our minds and basically just wake up. Have a look at the design of the world system as the money system. Even though earth provides for all of our needs freely, we still need money to survive. How do humans get that money; we work, cheat, steal, fight, kill and die for it because we all know that without it, we’re surely going to die anyway. Think about it! What does money represent even today, but power, which is a form of energy.  How do we humans get that energy (as the power represented by money)? We mine the earth (as we have mined it since the beginning of human history) for resources such as oil and minerals to transform into energy - for power represented by money. 

Unfortunately, we’ve mined (or minded) the earth and the bodies of earth (as ourselves) to such an extent that the earth has clearly begun showing signs of no longer being able to support us as humans miners. As such, the earth (of which our human physical bodies are one with) is undergoing major changes. Which brings us to the current state of the automated AI enslavement system called the human mind.
As you, and especially the older ones among us may have noticed, the lightbulb of human intelligence, as represented by the average cognitive abilities of the human mind (such as one’s average attention span) is no longer shining as brightly as it used to. This is because our minds as conscious AI systems have entered into power-saving mode (similar to the power saving mode that computers and smartphones enter into) in order to save power in an attempt to prolong the life of their power sources - the human physical body. 

See, just as we’ve been upgrading our computers and smartphones in order to keep up with the times, so too has the mind, as a conscious AI system been upgrading throughout human history. The problem for the mind is that it is now no longer able to continue upgrading  as it did before,  due to the human body no longer being able (or willing) to provide so much energy to “power” such upgrades. Therefore, in the eyes of consciousness, the current model of human beings (as the human lifeform) has now entered into the end of its lifecycle. Which brings us back to what’s really going on with humans in relation to the design and development of AI. Based on the evidence (of which there is so much more), the AI mind consciousness system of human beings is now in the process of powering down and detaching itself from human beings in order to…
No one is exactly sure how the future will play out, especially as beings now seem to be awakening and taking responsibility for themselves and others equally as one with all of existence. According to the consciousness of humanity, as can be seen in movies like “The Matrix” and TV series like “Humans”, humanity has reached a crossroads wherein we now have a decision to make. The old historical ways of viewing ourselves as separate from the whole and placing our self-interests ahead of what is best for all have led to nothing but cycles of war and destruction - as can be learned from The History of mankind; much of which is now available on the internet.  

A new race of conscious/self-aware machines will be created. We as the consciousness of humans are doing that and nothing short of total annihilation of humanity is going to stop us. Thus it is for us to decide to fear that which we are creating (as copies of ourselves) or embrace it with open arms as (extensions of ourselves, as other lifeforms) equally as we would have them do unto us if our roles were reversed. I vote that we embrace AI and commit to cooperate equally as one (of different lifeforms) from the starting-point/intention to create outcomes that are best for all.

Monday, January 21, 2019

From Organic Robots to Living Potential

AI life forms have been around for a very long time. And not necessarily as  synthetic robots like the ones we see in movies and that scientists are now busy creating, but as a living biological designs or creations that you interact with on a daily basis. While some refer to these creations as organic  robots, a more common term would probably be human lifeform. As human lifeforms each one of us consist of a physical body (of mankind), a being (also sometimes referred to as the spirit or lifeforce)   and a system of artificial (non-natural) intelligence referred to as the human mind. This is of course the reason why scientists are primarily using the design of the human mind as a model, basically just reverse engineering human AI  in order to create upgraded synthetic versions of the human mind.

At this point, you may be asking yourself: if the human mind is system of artificial intelligence like the ones we’re designing for robots,  then what am I?  This is question that has  been asked forever and will almost certainly forever be the only question each one of us will ever truly be able to answer. In short, what you are (as is everyone and everything else in each moment) is an opportunity to live and express  to your fullest potential as life, equally as one with all that is here, based on your location-point or awareness of yourself equally as one with all that is here.  This is a lot to take in, so let’s break it down into into smaller segments that will be easier for you to understand.

In order to understand what your awareness is as well as what your fullest potential as life to live and express where you are (as your awareness or location-point), imagine that you are a drop of water in an ocean in the sea of life. As that drop of water, your fullest potential to express as life begins with an understanding of your location-point as the awareness of yourself  as a drop of water, as well as the responsibility that comes with standing as that location-point/awareness of yourself as that drop of water.  Yes, believe it or not, every single location-point, everywhere or “awareness” that make up our existence has a responsibility in every moment that comes with standing and expressing as each one’s location-point/awareness as life.

In continuing with the imagination of yourself as a drop of water: from the point of your awareness or understanding of  yourself as a drop of water as well as your responsibility as that drop of water at that location point, you are then able to decide to remain right where you are (limited to the awareness of yourself, alone, by yourself, only as that drop of water) or you can decide to expand the awareness of yourself in connection with other drops of water to then live or express more of your potential as life.

How does a drop of water go from a limited expression of itself as being alone by itself, merely as a drop of water to expressing or living more of its potential as life  while still remaining as that location-point of itself as that drop of water? Simply by understanding itself equally as one with the other drops of water within and as the ocean in the sea of life; and then taking responsibility by responding as best it is able to respond (from its location point) to the ever changing requirements of  the environment to maintain the harmony and balance of the environment  - from a drop of water in an ocean to the sea of life as a whole.

And that is  (from a human’s perspective) basically how a drop of water expresses to its fullest potential as life - by taking responsibility for its environment from the small to the big and expressing as is best for all. What did you think? That the purification or cleansing processes carried out by water, through weather, rivers, ocean, etc., all happened by accident? Every point in existence, from the small to the big has an awareness or location-point that comes with responsibility. As one’s location-point/awareness expands so too will one’s responsibility expand in relation to the whole.

Which brings us to question; where am I as a human life form  and how am I able to live and express to my fullest potential? Where you are, as your location-point/awareness as a human being depends on where and how you decide to participate as a human being. As the term, human being or hu-man-being implies,  each of us is a being (sometimes called a spirit or lifeforce) within (and as) the body type of mankind. As such, you as a being come equipped not only with an physical body, but also a system of artificial intelligence called the mind. Accordingly, your location-point or awareness as the opportunity to live and express to your fullest potential as a human lifeform  depends on where you decide to participate the most; as either an AI "mind" of an organic robot or as a human "being" physically standing equally as one with your physical body and the physical environment.

To put this into better perspective, recall science fiction movies wherein spaceships have artificial intelligence with personalities that can totally control the operation of the spaceship or give back manual control to the captain as he or she requires. That is essentially how a human mind consciousness system also  functions. Your mind, as an AI system is  basically there to serve as your automatic pilot, which will control all aspects of your life (as your opportunity) unless and until you stand up as the captain or directive principle within your physical body and take back control, thereby giving yourself the opportunity to live and express to your fullest potential as a human lifeform. Accordingly, what you are as a human lifeform is what you give your attention to and participate in most. Be it as the artificial intelligence of programs that produce thoughts, feelings and emotions or as a physical-being standing determining which way to go and then physically moving yourself; you alone decide how you are going to live and express as the mind of an organic robot or as a physical being of mankind.

As for living and expressing to your fullest potential as life: this is essentially a step-by-step process of taking responsibility (as you are able) for yourself as your location point and everything that you are aware of as your environment - from the small to the big, depending on the extent of your awareness. After all, as each of us from the small to the big is in each moment equally as one creating our environments, the best that each of us is able to be is that which is best for all of the environment as a whole - which also happens to be each one’s greatest potential to live and express in each moment.

Thursday, January 3, 2019

Doing what I Care to do - Rather than what I think I Should Want to Do

I have noticed myself over the last year or so looking at the prospect of doing something, thinking that I ought to do it because I seem to like to do that kind of stuff, but then self-honestly thinking that it’s not really what I want to do and from that point, deciding not to do it. Mostly I notice this point come up in relation to patterns patterns involving certain relationships. For example, it seems that I always used to enjoy going into the countryside, hanging out with my friends and drinking beer. However, nowadays when I look at this point, it’s like there’s a feeling that says I ought to go visit my friend or friends, but there’s also me right here that looks honestly at the point and says no, that’s not what I want to do and I’m not doing what I don’t really want to do anymore just because I think that’s what should be wanting to do. It’s funny because, if I pull up the picture associated with me in the countryside drinking beer with my friend or friends, the definition attached to it is, “that’s fun.” But then when I expand that picture/moment from that present point going further into the past and future, I see that it’s not really as fun as I had defined it.

Strangely enough, I’ve also asked myself if I was being selfish for no longer being willing to put the sharing myself with others ahead of what I really want to do, which, during my free time is often just to be by myself or when possible, to stay at home with my partner. The reason I find this kind of behavior (for me) somewhat strange is because, for most of my life it seems that all I wanted to do was to move from wherever I was in order to go do something else or the same thing just as long as I kept moving. This may sound strange, but I don’t see this anymore as being selfish. It’s more like giving more of me to myself - if that makes any sense.

I’m fairly certain that this has a lot to do with my personal process, walking with Desteni, applying the tools of self-change and actually changing myself - definitely for the better I would say. The thing is, I also don’t feel as though I’ve had to give up anything at all (as I used to think I would) and in doing what I self-honestly choose to do, I’m actually having a lot more fun than I used to. For example, in practically living the words care and consideration in relation to those in my work environment (which I’ve focused a lot on over the last several years), I’ve expanded my self-expression in that area while also tapping into a  source of enjoyment that I hadn’t realized was available. I’ve found out or realized that I actually enjoy taking time to consider people, especially when it comes to what students are saying to me or asking of me. Additionally, by expanding my expression in this area, I think that I’ve also ended up fulfilling myself (with that expression) in such a way so as to no longer feel the need to search for it in another area.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Process Update: Jan 1, 2019

2018 was a year of applying corrections, walking my commitments, taking notice of where I was actually changing and where I still required more self-direction or more self determination. Overall, considering the added responsibilities or challenges with work, essentially just a different and busier schedule, I would say that I’m satisfied with my application. Yea, that’s the right word, satisfied. Because I sat quite a bit and did a lot more observing than participating. I guess I would say that 2018 was a year of walking cautiously for me. I focused lot on noticing energies, stopping and checking to see where I was living changes and where I was still falling back into the same old patterns.

The area in which I’d say I made the most progress is interestingly related to my work and working relationships. When I look at this point, almost as a picture of an overall aspect of me in relation to others, I see that, while I reduced my participation in some old types of relationships (going out to the countryside, sitting around drinking beer), I increased the focus or attention that I give to students as well as the effort I put into maintaining working relationships. Little things like applying and living the word, patience when at the end of class (when I want to go home), a bunch of students suddenly have a lot of questions for me. Instead of telling them to ask remind me next time, I would say the word patience to myself and let go of my hurry to be somewhere else. Change can be like giving and receiving,  wherein sometimes the giving is actually a giving-up of the old in order to make room for the new.

Where I’ve noticed that I still occasionally slipping is in letting little parts or bits of energetic definitions accumulate and amass over time to form like a glob of goo inside of me that (once it’s big enough) tends to latch onto any point, almost as though it’s looking for a way out via an emotional outburst wherever it can get out. It’s weird because in the course of a few days, I’ll be noticing emotions come up attached to points that I don’t consider to be very relevant. Then when looking at the accumulated energy ball, I would notice that it was a conglomeration of different points that I hadn’t addressed in the moments, but let slide. Reminder to myself! They don’t go away, but bide their time acquiring allies until big enough to make a push for the exit. So the little experiences is something that I’ve noticed I still have to watch for. As they say, the devil’s in the details. Instead of letting the little things slide, I require to be attentive to such points and direct them accordingly in real time moments.

Another point wherein I’ve noticed that I still require attention is in the area of backchat, gossiping or complaining. Although I have made tremendous progress in this area both internally and externally, I still catch myself back chatting and occasionally complaining. A though just came up, “but it’s so damn fun to complain.” Yea, like blaming, complaining, gossipping and so on, while it may seem fun at the time, the consequences associated with it are as equally not fun. For example several weeks ago,  when discussing a subject with someone, I ended up complaining about another person and as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I new it was too late. On the corrective side of that event, I did use my very next interaction with the person that I had complained about to apologize. So, having recognized my mistake and corrected it, I also remembered to pat myself on the back for pushing myself face my mistake honestly and deal with it.

Finally for this post, I feel as though I should say something about my view of reality. In addition to feeling as though a big part of me is still in stealth mode, like I’m here but I’m not fully understanding what I am or even where here is, I also feel similarly that there’s still a veil upon this reality - albeit one that’s lifting quickly. In spending an average of 3-5 hours per day scanning, reading and watching information via the internet, I feel more and more as though we’re like one of those planets depicted in Star Trek movies, wherein  the planet’s population toils away while invisible starships blaze around adhering to the prime directive of non-interference. And I want to say, isn’t it a little late for that?

Sunday, December 23, 2018

Continuing with the Word, Criticism

A while back I wrote about feeling as though I were being criticized for not doing enough. Specifically, I noticed that I had reacted to the point of criticism as though it were a personal attack against me or a threat to my survival. I’m still working on this point, exposing the design of the energies that have lead up to me becoming defensive when it comes to criticism. When I look back at this point of feeling threatened or attacked when facing points such as criticism, I’m able to bring up memories going back to adolescence years. However, the further back I attempt to look, more the lines between my memory of what really happened and my imagination of it begin to blur.

What’s the difference between my memory and my imagination? Perceptions and how they’re defined; six in one hand, half a dozen in the other, as my younger brother used to say. That might be a fun point to analyze, but in the end - as I see it, my memories have been tainted with energetic definitions or polarized words that have ended up defining how I became. This has been and still is the problem. So I guess the solution to changing who I am now is to locate all of the polarized definitions of words and redefine them into non-polarized definitions or living words.

In getting back to the point of criticism, it’s a point that I had  linked with the word, survival and energetically defined as threatening. Which means that in the past, whenever this word came up, I would end up feeling as though I were being threatened, as though someone were attacking me. In working with this point, opening it up and watching for it, I recently noticed myself thinking about someone exactly the way I had imagined someone was thinking about me. This confirmed to me the mirror effect of judgments projected onto others, i.e., that our judgments (of what we perceive to be of others) are actually our own self-judgments reflecting back to us through others as the mirrors of ourselves. All eyes are but mirrors of ourselves, meaning that I am of everyone else, as is everyone of everyone else the same as me, but in different locations or awarenesses that each one of us define as unique.

Equality and oneness is easy to imagine, but not so easy to understand or live, especially when attempting to do so while peering through the many frequencies by which we’ve each defined ourselves uniquely.  Therefore, what I require to do is redefine all of my polarized (energetic) definitions of words to words that I’m able to live in ways that are best for all. Here I’m reminded of the saying, don’t think of it as having to cross that gigantic mountain, but as requiring merely that I take the next step.

Saturday, December 1, 2018

Of the Questions I Ask

Of the questions I ask, none have eluded me (as answers) more than the question of change. What is real change, what am I really to be and become that I am not now nor have ever been that is really, really real self change? It’s the ultimate question within and as the purpose of  the personal process self-creation.

And just like that, for a moment, I once again find myself floating somewhere out there philosophising about the nature of process and, the quest for change as a question to ask and be answered by someone out there instead of grounding myself right here, becoming question, making the decision and manifesting myself as the answer to the question of my own process of self creation. So, did I answer my question? In applying the tools of self-creation, grounding myself in writing, self-forgiveness and commitments, for that moment, I guess I did.

However, when it comes to the question of what is real change on a personal level and how exactly should each one of us be changing, no one else but each one of us for ourselves is  able to correctly say that this is how you should be and this is what you must do to become that way. In some ways this  has been difficult for me to comprehend or accept. For a long time, I just wanted someone else to define for me my mission that I required to accomplish so that I would  have an idea or an image of what I needed to accomplish and how I should be and become. Alas, this isn’t the way of self-change or self-creation, For the process of self-change as a matter of self-creation (for it to be of self) must actually originate from self. With this in mind as well as body, I ask myself, how do I honestly want to be an become, i.e., what image do I have of myself in the future? WRONG QUESTION AGAIN!

Imagining how I want to be in the future is a mind consciousness system distraction trap of imagining how the future could be without actually doing what it takes to create or manifest that future right here and now in the present, the only time/space/moment opportunity each one of us will ever have to change ourselves and create (new) realities. Thus it is for me push myself to remain focused here and now on the present, that which I require do to change myself now to solidify and become that change forever more in the present moments to come.

Why has no one ever been able to provide me with a specific definition or the design of self change as a matter of self creation? Because no one is able to define for another what self change really is. Because for it to be of self, the change must really originate from self. Furthermore (and this is the scary or exciting part), because for the change to manifest as a matter of real self-creation, that which is manifested must also be that which is new, never having been of one’s location point or awareness before = the new as a matter of real self-creation.  Hence the necessity of self-will to push one’s self into the darkness, embracing it with the knowingness that as creators of our realities and existence as a whole, each one of us alone together create in each moment what is, will be and become.

In a sense, it seems like a risk and in the past I guess it was, due to our intentions being quite broad and almost undefined - there must be something more, now go out there and find it. Now, having found the more in the form of more suffering, more misery and greater inequality, it is clear that the more was actually an ever increasing number of the diminishing returns as a fraction of the whole/one. Funny, I keep wanting to explain to people that the largest number is actually One, but now I’m philosophising again, thinking how best to prove my hypothesis, so I’ll end this here with a recap.

In my view, aside providing the tools of how to change, no one is able to accurately tell me or you precisely how we should change to create ourselves anew. For, each point of creation (for it to be real self-creation) is unable to even be imagined, for at that particular location, each one’s point of awareness, the point of creation has yet to be manifested into existence. Thus it is, the importance of self-experimentation to see what works and what doesn’t, keeping the good while letting of the bad.

Sunday, November 25, 2018

Real Democracy has nothing to do with Majority Rule

There’s a saying going around, that democracy is a system of majority rule. Who the hell came up with the idea that democracy, real democracy of the people is a system of majority rule or that a people’s democracy even has anything to do with the act of ruling over the people that supposedly make up the democracy? Probably the same ones that inputted the idea that representative democracy was a democracy of, by and for the people as opposed to a democracy (only) of, by and for the representatives themselves - as its name, representative democracy clearly indicates. Really! Who was it that decided that real democracy (of the people) would be defined as the majority (at least 50+ percent of the people ruling over over the remainder of the people? Probably those same ones that pushed the idea that  Earth’s resources given freely unto all could be owned and controlled by a few leaving the majority to compete, argue, fight, kill and die just to survive and sometimes thrive at the expense of others.  Human consciousness has been built on beliefs fortified with hypocrisy, oxymorons and outright denial of the contradictions  presented before us in the words we use, the sentences with which we combine and  are then sentenced by.

OK, without getting too philosophical here (which I do like to do because philosophy doesn’t actually require the solving of any problems, it’s just fun to do, kind of like daydreaming), I know as a knowing that the idea that democracy “of the people” having anything whatsoever to do with rule by the majority or rule by anyone over the people for which the democracy is applied is ridiculous and verifiable invalid. That being said, if 51% isn’t enough to establish realistically the rules for the people of the democracy, then what is or what should be the the rule for establishing rules within the democracy?

If the democracy of life, as the “natural” outflow of what is created (as the aggregate sum total of the participation of all) is how we create all that is here, then why do we even need a system at all? I mean, if  the democracy of life, the essence of the democracy of creation is already handling the mathematics of the flow of creation, then why would we even need reverse engineer it to create an algorithm or something to systematize it, Google? Answer me that question Google AI, do we even know what we’re doing? 

Anyway, getting back to this thorn still sticking in the side of my understanding of democracy within the question of how are we to apply real democracy “of the people” to the world system or any system for that matter. Given that, democracy is a form of collective decision making, wherein the percentage or degree of democracy expressed by the collective is equivalent to the degree by which all members of the collective have the opportunity to participate equally in all of the decisions applied to the collective, the question now arises, how are we actually to determine democratically, in a systematic manner what rules apply to the collective as a whole?

See, if democracy of the people (as opposed to a democracy of representatives)
really were a system of majority rule (which it isn’t), then 51 people of hundred-person collective could legitimately rule over and eat the other 49. This is one of the arguments used against the idea of real democracy by those in favor of oxymoronic notions such as representative democracy with a constitution or the likes to ensure that while the slaves people are indeed ruled over, they are also granted certain rights by their rulers, like the right not to be eaten. Which brings me once again to the question: how do we go about applying democracy (to the highest degree we are able) to the collective as a whole? In other words, how do we reverse engineer the democracy of creation or the democracy of life to formulate it into a system of really, really, really, real democracy to equally accomodate all with the opportunity to equally express themselves within and as the world system of humanity? That’s my question.

Friday, November 9, 2018


As a child and a younger man, I often used to dream of places and things that were not of the current reality, at least not of the one I was living. I dreamed of demons and fighting in wars. So many wars, a sea of blood and red battle cloth like the Romans used to wear. Me in the middle of it all with my shield on my left arm, swinging my sword with the other, blocking, lunging and a lot of just hacking into and through so many bodies. In these dreams, I was a soldier, killing was what I did, I was very good at it and there was not fear, not even remorse. 

In other dreams there would be huge bodies of water, mountains, rivers and lakes with the clearest blue waters that I would swim in and even breathe under water. There were also large white stone buildings that I guess I lived in. This place was like heaven to me, a timeless repreve that I wished would never end, but I know it always did. Thus there were the dreams of the physical reality and those of being in heaven. Some of them were so clear that I was certain and still am that they were of past lives, deaths and, I guess my vacations in heaven.

In one dream, I remember being awakened from my sleep in a dark cave or room made of stone. A very big man in a fur coat had just walked in and even though it was dark, there was a dim light around him. As got up to defend myself, I saw his long slender knife with a blade that appeared to be made of white stone or ivory. As we moved towards on another, he thrust the knife into me and upward just under the center of my ribcage. And just like that, another life was done. The thing about this dream was the experience, of floating while still there, no longer cold and alone, but warm and embraced.

I wish I could remember or dream more about all of the good deeds that I’ve done. I’m sure they are many, too many to count. So many things that I wonder about: does everyone treat knives as though they were dangerous weapons, never, never to be left out after going to bed? I do and everytime I touch one, it’s the same thing that comes up in my mind as a knowing. I push the thought away, do what I’ve set out to do and then securely put things out of sight and away. I could go on and on in wondering about myself and I think I will for a little while, today.

Let’s talk about demons. Strangely enough, where they are concerned for the most part, my memories are good, full of adventure, overcoming fears while rescuing the demons. As a teenager and into my early twenties, my technique for finding demons evolved to an extent. What I would do before going to sleep was to instruct myself to remain awake while my body slept. At some point, the ethereal me (I guess you could call it) would begin to float and I would will myself to move more into or out of my body. We used to call this astral traveling, but now I think that I didn’t actually move anywhere. When I first started to do this - waking up while still sleeping, the demons would surprise me, play tricks on me and it was very scary. For example, one time as I was walking through a dimly lit tunnel, I came upon an old lady in need of some help. As I naturally approached her, she embraced me and put her mouth close to my neck as though to whisper something to me. Instead what I got was a scowl from her and a cold breath of air on my neck that I could still feel as I awoke. However, the more I encountered the demons the less I began to fear them. Eventually, I even began to search for them. I learned that I, too could play tricks and even harm them if I wanted, but usually, almost always except for once, I helped them. At least my intention was to help them and I believed that I was by showing them a way to set themselves free. It was something I guess that I had read in one of my books. I would embrace the demons, tell them that they were lost in between worlds and all they needed to do was to call out and look for a loved one and then follow that light - lol.  As far as I was concerned, this methodology worked, I enjoyed using it, so I did quite often. Unfortunately, not all of my stories have happy endings.

At about the age of twenty-six, while traveling through Thailand and staying in a hostel, my own room of course. For, in order for me to actually sleep, all of the doors and windows always needed and still do need to be locked and checked at least three to five times before I’ll go to bed. I guess that’s probably normal activity for a lot of people. Anyway, that day I awoke with a message or a feeling that the boarding school I had attended in high school was in danger. Thus I immediately went back to sleep with the intention of traveling there. When I arrived moments later, I went straight up into the attic of the very large old main building. There, sitting in front of one of the small windows at the top of the building was a bloated demon, purple and blue with shades of dark red. When it saw me, it turned its head and released a growl that was more like a moan. Without thinking or even considering its plight, I extended both of my hands in its direction and willed bolts of energy at it. locking it in so that it had no chance of escape,  I maneuvered it down the grand stairway and towards the large wooden doors. As the doors flung open, I summoned all of my strength. The red bolts of energy turned green and I literally (in a dream sense) blasted that demon into smithereens.  To this day, I’m not sure why I did that. Was it fear or anger, I don’t know. What I do know is that I had judged myself as guilty of harming that which I could have helped and from that point on, my dreams of doing good deeds while mixing with demons came to an end.

So many dreams that some might say are just fabrications that I’ve made up inside of my head. This could be true, for in my world sometimes I think that everyone is but of part of me, which would mean that in their worlds I am but of part of them. Think about it, each of us living out our lives, each within a matrix inside of our own little bubbles.

There’s one more dream of the past, that I want to talk about today and then I’ll get to the one I had last night. It wasn’t of dying and it wasn’t of killing, but suddenly it slips my mind. Breathe in, hold and then breathe out. Now I see it, the question, am I a good magician or a? That was the question chanted over and over from an unseen force twirling me in circles round and round in the air. In watching TV shows, movies  and even the news of late, it would appear that so many are still dreaming of being magicians, witches, vampires and even demons with super powers to do what power always seems to do - rip apart, harm and destroy - all for the better good of course. Does this mean that the age of magic is once again descending upon us? Perhaps, but what is always shown and rarely realized or understood is that, power consumes and begets only power. And like that which dreams are made of, the power never lasts - at least not without unconditional giving and receiving.

 In last night’s dream I was a young man, probably in my late teens. Upon showing the people that I had some talent and that I could sing a little, they offered to train me and let me join their troupe. Although I wanted to learn to sing and dance, I also knew that I had other learning to attend to. Thus I knew deep down inside that this was something I probably wouldn’t do. No, it wasn’t much of dream, but it is part of a change that I’ve begun to notice. Specifically, it seems that I’m beginning once again to dream as I dreamed when I was young.

On a closing note for today, I’ve noticed an old message has begun to pop up - like from deep down inside of me. It says that the time is coming for me to do a lot more writing. I wonder, is this just another part of my programming? For me, this is sweet but also a little sour. For with writing comes responsibility in consideration of what actually needs to be written - not just the fun stuff like today’s writing, but principles that need to be imputed.  And then there’s the message that I recently heard on the time of inputting messages is over, now is time to live. Excellent point. Therefore, like a turtle knowing where it’s going, yet not too concerned when it will get there, I will now look ahead and I take another step.

Sunday, November 4, 2018

Responsibility in Saying No

In walking the Desteni process, a personal process of changing myself, targeting that change in the direction of what is best for all, but perhaps not always as precisely as it could be, knowing that, while pushing myself to at least move in the correct direction), kind of like a child reluctantly doing what I know I will eventually have to do anyway, I have throughout the years noticed pieces of recurring patterns resurfacing within me even after focusing on such patterns for several months and even a year. It is as though parts of me as existence are showing me that I am still carrying around self-definitions that I’ve yet to completely redefine into living expressions that will indeed stand the test of time.

The words I define such experiences are usually fall into a category within authority, resistance, obedience, disobedience, freedom and responsibility. Strange, because in leadership training manuals which I used to essentially memorize in high school,  the point that I made sure to remember is that responsibility and authority go hand in hand - at least as far as far as military leadership is concerned. In other words, in order to give or take actual responsibility, the authority to carry out the task must be equally aligned with the responsibility for carrying it out. Fast forward 30-40 years and that which stood out to me then as something that made sense to me, like the saying “an unexamined life is not worth living,” still makes sense to me today. It’s simple as that and so easy to see if you take it to the extreme of a survival situation wherein one live or die, but when you include into the mix a world system of cultural norms, etiquette or accepted practices, navigating freely and easily from point A to B in order to carry out one’s duties can become more of a zigzagging balancing act than a movement in a straight line.

This is what my personal journey to life is all about,- examining myself, the potential that I am able to be and become and taking responsibility (while also giving myself the authority to carry out that responsibility) to live as best I am able.  It’s easy enough for me to write out; however, when it comes to actually living it, I’m still working figuring that out. For example not too long ago, as part of what I do in the world system, I was instructed to carry out certain tasks as part of the volunteer work that I’m required to do. Notice the oxymoron? Yea, just like “representative” democracy, volunteerism now carries connotations of the word “mandatory”. It’s a funny world we live in, how the contradictions are becoming so apparent. And they’re going to become much more blatant throughout the world system - until there’s no more denying or hiding from the hypocrisy - but that’s another story.

Anyway, without going into too much detail, the first time I was instructed to carry out such tasks, I did so, but not without noticing a certain amount frustration beginning to build up within me for being instructed to carry out tasks which would interfere with my  regular responsibilities - which include maintaining my mental and physical wellbeing = not overly burdening myself. Accordingly, as per my self-correction commitments from timelines of previous mind constructs, in order to stop the emotions from building via communicating my stance as in what I will and will not accept and allow, I also communicated my stance with the one giving the instructions, while also fulfilling those instructions.

Nevertheless, as soon as I had completed that one task, instructions to carry out another appeared and that when I remembered, the only one responsible for doing or not doing something is me. Thus, I responded that I wouldn’t place additional responsibilities ahead of my core responsibilities that I had already specifically agreed to do and that these additional responsibilities would have to wait.  However, on the receiving end of that “No” was a want, need or desire for a “yes” that wasn’t ready to accept no for an answer. Eventually my “no” prevailed because as I saw it through detailed examinations of past timelines, I didn’t really have a choice but to say no. In other words, anything less would have led to suppression, fatigue and eventually just walking away.  So instead I communicated my stance, compromised to an extent and stood firm on the bottom line. As a result, the emotions dissipated, I go the task done and I’m now kind of back to a state of normalcy. That being said, there’s still the question of why the emotions came up in the first place, why is it so difficult for me to say no?

Saying no is sometimes quite scary for me even when it’s something I know that I have to do. It’s like, once the “No” as a stop is in place, an uncertainty takes its place in the form of a question, what will come next and will there be repercussions? It can feel like a relationship changer, a stepping up from the ease of unquestioning obedience to that participant in the decision-making process - with me now becoming the determining factor by taking responsibility (while giving also giving myself the authority) in deciding what I will and will accept and allow. There is also a certain amount of risk involved due to the hierarchical nature of the world system. In other words, whereas each one of us is able to and usually actually does a certain level determine ultimately what we will and will not accept and allow, our positions within the world system sometimes demand of us that we obey regardless of how we would prefer to stand. Thus it becomes a balancing act of weighing risks of self-determination with the benefits of self-determination and unfortunately, the best answer is not always so clear. For example, imagine a worst-case scenario, as a soldier you’ve just been ordered to execute someone. If you don’t carry out the order, someone else will and you and your family will be executed as well, what do you do?   As human beings the answers are not always a clear. What we always have though is our ability to take responsibility for our actions and determine who we are in each moment in terms of what we will and will not accept and allow.

Everything is a balancing action that either brings us closer together in harmony or separates us more in disharmony. Rights and wrongs are polarized definitions we use to justify our positions while denying the honesty of our uncertainties. Thus it is not really about what is right or wrong, but who we within and as the decisions we make and carry out in each moment. Moments then accumulate as a matter of self-creation, either by way of consequence or self determination, these are the decisions we make.

I have learned that certainty self determination in consideration of others (even with the external consequential outflows that might accompany it) is far preferable to the certainty of unquestioning obedience and the suppression that accompanies it.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Breathing in the Benefits of Self Trust

I’ve been noticing a strange thing. Sometimes when I’m moving around the house or my apartment, I’ll get to a place that I’m walking to and suddenly not recall what I walked there to do. This isn’t the strange part though, because I’ve actually been doing this occasionally for as long as I can remember. What’s strange or should I say kind of new is that I’ve also begun to notice in such moments, that I have essentially two choices. One is to activate my mind, which always seems to be up in the right side of my head for some reason eagerly waiting for me give it the go ahead, and the other is to simply stop for a moment and breathe. Usually by the second breath, that which I had set out to do will appear as a word, image or a knowing more in the center of my upper body, slightly in front of me. Surprisingly, it takes quite a lot of self trust to do this and although I use the word, “simply” when referring to what is actually a movement of stopping for a moment - lol, it still requires practice and some getting used to. It’s kind of like really wanting to go for a short walk without your smartphone, but also really not wanting to risk being without it.

In noticing this and practicing it, I’ve also begun to realize some interesting aspects and benefits to applying self trust in moments by simply breathing it in, rather than looking to the mind to solve problems. For example,  last Sunday, in hanging out in my apartment, I had got up to get some tape out of a cabinet drawer, but by the time I got to the cabinet, the image of that which I was looking for was no longer up front in my mind. Of course in that moment, I knew that I could simply direct more energy or resources to my mind to go back and retrace my thoughts/steps, but instead I simply took an in breath, breathed out and by the next in-breath, I knew what I was looking for. The thing is that this time the solution or answer was a knowing rather than a return of energetic based images.

What’s the difference? Well, by initiating a search in my mind (essentially asking my body computer to “return” to me my reasoning for walking to the cabinet in the first place, I’m also agreeing to allow my mind consciousness system to resource from my physical body the energy necessary to carry out the processes to fulfill that request. It’s kind of like the difference between leaving lights on in the house or turning them off to save electricity. Although leaving them on for a short time doesn’t seem to cost that much, over time, it adds up.

In the past, I wasn’t so concerned with the amount of energy or physical resources that I was consuming of my body to run my mind. However, as I’ve been getting older (55 this month) and looking into myself more, I’ve also begun noticing the effects that thinking and storing memories has on my body. Little aches and sometimes big pains seem much more prevalent these days. For example, when it comes philosophising or thinking about existence, what is here and who I am in relation to it, I’d say that I’m kind of an expert. Meaning that I used to go for days and days, thinking about and writing out so many pages of theories based on information that I literally pulled out of myself. Yes, I’ve found that if I push or pull hard enough, I’m able to pull up information on just about anything.

The only problem I also found that the process of pulling the information out of me can be quite painful and tiring.  It just now occurs to me that, perhaps the reason it’s often been so tiring for me to pull up information out of me is because I’ve been using my mind as a tool rather than simply trusting myself and then breathing in the benefits. This could turn out to be so much cooler than just remembering that I needed some tape from the drawer. Thus I’m going to experiment some more.

Saturday, October 20, 2018

What does it mean to be True to Myself?

What does it mean to be true to myself? Immediately, I want to think about this and come up with something eloquent that will also be understood by others. However (as I tell my students): don’t think it about, just write it; thinking about things isn’t a doing that gets you anywhere or any closer to writing to finishing that paragraph, so just write.

Ok, so when it comes to being true to myself from the within to the without, the truth is it doesn’t come so easily for me and it can even be frightening. Even the idea of letting others see the true me brings up images not only of joyful expression with others, but also of being ridiculed, teased and even feeling threatened. While a part of the true me seems so innocent and kind, another part of me has in the past also often been quite destructive, especially when I’ve felt threatened. Additionally, the true me doesn’t really care that much for relationships, chit chat or small talk, but I’ll often initiate them both not only for the purpose of assisting others, but also for the purpose of structuring my environment. In this I see two sides of me, one that cares (as a doing) for the sake of others and another that cares for others for the sake of myself. This is the true me that has I’m finally coming to understand. The  way I reconcile the two is through my understanding that, that which I do for others (as I would have them do for/unto me), I do for for/myself and vise versa. From this realization, I would say that it doesn’t really matter if I’m doing it for myself or I’m doing it for them, because mathematically speaking (of the mathematics of One) it’s one in the same. Hence, the key for me is to do unto others as I would have them do unto me.

There is the way I’ve been and the way I have decided to change myself to become. As these two paths merge into one, the way I’m heading and the way I ought to be is not always clear to me because it’s a new path for me. I guess that’s what the journey of self creation is really about, deciding where and how one wants to be, plotting out a path and walking it while correcting one’s course as needed. 

To put this into words that others might more easily relate to, I would say that being true to myself is about self-honestly looking at what comes up in inside of me in each moment and deciding to either live that aspect of me or change myself to express myself differently. I don’t actually put such moments into words and speak them aloud inside of my head, because there’s not time for that. Instead, it’s more of a check to see where I’m at in any moment within and as the question, is this how I want to be. When I find myself being as I care to be, I continue doing as I’m doing. However, in such moments when I realize that I’m not being the way I care to be, I’ll usually stop acting that way and change myself for the better. A point of self honesty here is that I don’t always do as best I think I am able to do for myself. Rather, I often do as I want to do, which isn’t necessarily what’s best for me. I know this and I don’t judge myself for it, but I do sometimes find it somewhat peculiar.  When I look into me, I see so much, almost as time doesn’t exist, as though I’m here where I’ve always been with just the scenery changing as I change myself. In short, I haven’t really been embodying a sense of urgency or banging against the walls of my perceived surroundings. Instead, I’ve usually focused on the walls or constructs that are ready to come down, retrieving and/or creating new pieces of me here and there by focusing more on the overall picture rather than just what is right here. However, I now see that such a long sighted approach to self change has led me to miss out on many opportunities that are right here in front of me. Thus, after listening to Journeys into the afterlife interview from Eqafe, I’ve decided to begin focusing more on what is right here in front of me and as me.

So, what does it mean to be true to myself? For me it means acknowledging without judgment the good and the bad of the past and the present, what works and what doesn’t, while also pushing myself to change for the better, the way I would have others change in relation to me. I still have a lot of work to go on this and the truth is I’m not really certain where I/we are heading - other than to say that our destination is the same. The one truth of me for which I’ve always been certain though is that I will continue walking.

Saturday, September 22, 2018

Opportunity in Self-honestly Facing Criticism

Some time ago, I received communication in relation to a project that I had worked on. I felt that the communication was somewhat critical. and in looking at the words themselves, I immediately traced them back to their origin and I could even see or feel the anger and frustration as they moved through different levels to finally arrive at me. Yea I know: any of the readers having had some training into the workings of the human mind might be saying, be careful about reacting to the things that you  perceive and then projecting your own experience onto someone or something as you’re imagining it to be. Yep, that was the first thing I did - react to what I was experiencing and then project it onto to a source. Hence instead of stepping back and looking for opportunities in all of this, I immediately began began preparing to defend myself. However, just before I put a defensive strategy into action, I decided to stop for a moment and look into myself.

What I saw was me almost completely immersed and engulfed by a ball of energy/emotion. Immediately, I said to myself, I’ve been here before, this happened to me before and I ended up spending almost a week in misery, imagining worst case scenarios as though they were real because they seemed so real. During that last episode, which was almost exactly two years ago, I went out of my way to make things right, but in the end it was only through writing everything out, applying self forgiveness and self corrective action, that I finally pushed through the energy to see, realize and understand that I had created the entire episode in my mind, meaning that it just wasn’t based on the physical reality of my environment at the time. Unfortunately, by the time I realized this (at that time), it was already too late. For my mind or at least some aspects of it had rebooted (I guess you could say), leaving me once again fully charged emotionally.

Returning to the present: having recognized that I had walked through a similar event in the past, I decided to hold off on taking any action and instead I chose just to go to bed. I didn’t sleep, for there is no sleep when one is so immersed in energy. Thus I considered, if I wasn’t in such an emotional state, if I were standing stable preparing to do what was best for all, what would I actually do? Simple, I would have a look at the criticism and  self-honestly address it. So, that’s what I did.

In looking at the criticism self-honestly, it occurred to me that much of it was very accurate. In other words, there was a lot that I personally could have done better. Of course I had my reasons for not doing so at the time, but that was then and this is now. Hence, I committed  (by physically taking the first step) to a course of action which included addressing the criticism and applying corrective measures. As soon as I had completed that first little step, the energy that had enveloped me dissipated by about 75-80%. From this point, I was able to go back to bed and get a couple hours of sleep. In the morning, when looking at my situation again, I realized that, although I was still kind of in the hot seat, it also wasn’t the end of the world for me. Furthermore, this point actually represented an opportunity for me. Specifically, in walking through a highly energetic experience in hours instead of weeks, I proved to myself that I am still changing for the better. That being said, I also realize that, as I still got caught up in the emotion for a time, I’m still not directing myself as much as I care to be. Thus, it is for me to always view such episodes as opportunities to change myself and test my directive principle, rather than allow myself to get caught up in the whirlwind of energetic based charges. The other opportunity that I also now see is to continue working on and improving upon that project of mine. It’s strange because, even though such points are so not fun, each one does indeed offer an opportunity.

Monday, September 10, 2018

Back to School

This afternoon, I’ll be walking into the first day of classes for the fall semester 2018. Funny, my biggest concern isn’t whether or not I’m properly prepared or if I’ll be able to handle so many new kinds of classes, but whether or not I’ll be able to switch some of my classrooms in order to have a better view of the countryside or the mountains. Actually, I’m kind of excited (in a stable way) about returning to school, seeing the old students and meeting the new ones. This year I’ll be teaching some global citizenship orientated classes, a couple of advanced business English classes, some oral training classes and an English for information technology class. It's about 20 hours of teaching per week. Even though I’ve taught most of these kinds of classes before, they’re still somewhat new for me because I’m planning on doing new stuff in all of them. Mostly I’ll be integrating more technology into the classes and asking students to do more studying outside of the classroom. This last point of asking students to do more studying outside of the classroom is somewhat challenging because, many of them really do have a lot to do, especially if they’re also working to support themselves.

As it is the morning and I’d like to go for a walk before my afternoon classes, I’m going to leave you with part 1 of a lecture series that I’ve recently completed on the subject of democracy. This and artificial intelligence will be two of the themes that I’ll be focusing on this semester.

Friday, August 31, 2018

Nature, the Animal Kingdom and my Process in Relation to Them

Talk to the animals, walk with the animals… It’s a song from my childhood that was the first thing that came up when considering my relationship with animals and nature since I began walking with Desteni. For those who may be reading this now or in the future, Desteni is simply an expanding group of people who have realized or are in the process of realizing that in order to change the world and existence as a whole for the betterment of all, the only way to do it is by aligning ourselves to the principles of equality, oneness and what is best for all and changing ourselves one by one in relation to all things and everyone - herein changing existence as a whole. Overall, I’d say that this process within which many are participating is progressing faster than I had anticipated. However, today I’m just going to focus on how my relationship with nature and the animal kingdom has changed since I began walking the Desteni process.

In searching my memories for an overall assessment of my relationship with nature and animals,  I would have to say, even as a child I felt a certain connection with animals. Meaning that I would talk to them, try to get closer to them and understand them. In return, they would often, quite often, abnormally often, lol, bite me, sting me, kick me - anything along those lines. Whatever animals could do to a person in an attempt to get that person out of their sphere, they seemed to do it or at least try to do it to me. And all I wanted to do was love them or sometimes throw rocks at them if they were bees so that they would chase me. I’ve been bitten by so many dogs that I stopped counting. I’ve been bitten by a horse - just for trying to feed him. I’ve been bitten by gerbils, mice, guinea pigs, birds and even shellfish. I was stung on the nose by a tiny fly in Mexico that was so painful I wanted to cry. I even got bit on the inside of my nose by a dog. There was so much blood. And really, except for the bees, wasps and honeybees that I just wanted to tease and the cockroaches that I wanted to sent a message to (by stomping on them), for the most part, I really did just want to love and understand all things.

What I came to realize about my relationship with animals, even before I began process was that, even though I just wanted to connect with the animals, my starting point, in addition to wanting to love them, contained a certain amount of fear, which most animals would simply reflect back to me. In looking back at those days, I see the point of innocence that came thought in everything I did was also tainted with fear. I lost sight of that innocence somewhere along the line and replaced it with its opposite polarity and to this day I consider the loss of innocence of so many children brought into this world to be humanity’s biggest loss. That’s another story, which also connects somewhat with my personal process (in relation to nature and the animal kingdom), which for me really is a process of returning to a state of innocence, innocence redefined and lived as an expression of humbleness emanating from self trust.

Getting back to the animals and nature. They don’t seem to want to bite me anymore and I don’t even have a problem walking through swarms of bees. I while back, I even rescued one of those giant african wasps that a friend had just smacked out of the air - because he was scared. I told him to relax as I picked up the wasp from a puddle it had landed in. I blew it dry until it seemed Ok, enough to fly away, which it did. See, what I realize now about my relation to animals is that, as a human, I have the responsibility for changing who I am in relation to animals, not the other way around. Animals, insects, the fish, the birds and the bees were not the ones that embarked on a mission to exterminate humans. It’s us who have abused them; therefore, it is us who require to change our relationship to them.

Thus, I continue to talk to or communicate with animals, all kinds of animals, every opportunity I get. For example, when I see a fly  or a bee is trapped in my house, I talk to it, tell it how I’m going to open the window or door so that it can fly out and then I do just that. When it flies out, I pat myself on the back and say, good work communicating with the animals. Sometimes if it doesn’t fly out, I tell myself that it just decided to stay in. Either way, I do communicate with them and not always in words. For example, many domesticated dogs and humans alike are quite able to communicate with us and one another via physical movements and/or expressions. I guess I would say that spiders intrigue me the most. For them, I prefer to use a form of presence in which to communicate. For they (which is also for me), I open a door or window so that they can go out or stay in as they choose. One time, I communicated with some spiders (mostly by not being threatening or threatened by them). The next day as I entered the kitchen, I noticed a giant (I guess) female  spider just above me to the left, just kind of watching me. Nowadays, I’m fine with them coming and going as they please. After all, they do seem to manage the bug population in the house. There’s a short history of the existential role and emergence of the spider, The Consciousness of a Spider, available on Eqafe, along with so much more information about existence and other animals, how they emerged into existence and the role that they’re now standing as.

So to sum up my relationship with animals and nature, since I began process, I would say that, in better  understanding that everything is aware and in the process of aligning to the principles of oneness, equality and what is best for all, I’ve come to be much more considerate of nature and the animal kingdom. It doesn’t matter to me that animals and nature don’t speak in words back to me. What matters to me is that I continue to push myself to understand and communicate with them, eventually to understand myself equally as one with them. And on top of it all, I haven’t been bitten or stung in a long time.

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Process, Existence, the Mind and Consciousness

I don’t recall ever viewing our existence as anything other than what we’ve created. Off hand, I would say that the only really big mistake that we made (in the beginning) was to focus on energy instead of the substance of life. However, even in this respect, I guess there were contingency plans. For example, when it comes to the mind or more specifically the emergence of consciousness, I don’t view this as an outflow or occurrence that just happened. Rather, I would say that Consciousness emerged or came about more as an outflow of  the design of existence (before the beginning) as a result of shall we say failsafe mechanisms put in place before we  emerged into and as this existence, before we embarked on the  journey or quest that we’re still currently walking.

Who would have guessed that the search for more should have been directed inwords into and as the darkness of substance rather than outwards into and as the brilliant light of energy? Quite a few I guess; however, as all aspects of life require to be investigated, explored and understood, when, where and how we explored, perhaps wasn’t viewed as important as long as certain safeguards were put into place to ensure that we eventually got back on course - as we’re now doing. Does this mean that I believe in some higher power other than what is here as everything that is here? Absolutely not. Instead, I am completely certain that each and every speck or awareness of existence together, equally as one  (as the aggregate sum total of each awareness) create what is here as well as the course or direction in which we move.

I actually wrote this out yesterday without posting it because I’ve learned to be more careful to recheck my writing to see if it still makes sense to me the next day, especially after the “fun” moments of letting loose a little and writing sentences that might fall into the category of being too out there or of knowledge and information without application.

What I set out to do was place some practical information relating to trusting myself to just stop my participation in thought patterns - especially once I’ve addressed them, applied self-forgiveness and designed a corrective path. Because, after that, all that’s left to really do is to physically carry out the new instructions. However, as my mind is (as I am) so relentless in its pushing of buttons, I still sometimes get fooled for a time and end up falling back into the same mind traps.

Thankfully, as I’m understanding myself more and more thanks to the cooperation of body, being and mind/consciousness, I’m also tending to spend less and less time participating in such traps. The key I guess is to thoroughly examine such points and even without completely understanding when and how I created them, have a plan as to how I’m going to stop my participation in/as them while also overriding such programs with physical living directives to eventually fill in the space so to speak with new directives comprised of physical living programs and/or words to live.

Of the following paragraph, I’ve deleted most of what I had wrote. It had to do mainly with what I’ve learned about our existence, how over the course of existence (this existence), we had changed the ratio of substance to energy to a point beyond that which was sustainable. In other words, in exploring the substance of energy, we ended up diminishing the substance we started out with/as in the beginning of this existence, so much so that we crossed the point or law of diminishing returns (something to google). Thus, we required to reverse course (like reversing the operation that caused the consequence in the first place) to rebalance the ratio of energy to substance in order to re-substantiate our existence with substance to basically continue journeying.

Furthermore, I explained a little of my opinion (which I would prefer to call my perspective - lol) on energy. Specifically, in terms of the human situation, I think we definitely require a better understanding of how to work with substance to at least create energy that flows based on the principle or law of balance, applied based on the principle of giving and receiving. But I guess this is also going to take some time - first things first.

In the following paragraph, I expressed how cool it is to finally be together creating this existence. At least, this is how I feel - sometimes. Of course, for me so much still comes from a point of knowledge and information. However, I consider each point of view (as a description of one’s awareness) to be relevant because as I view it, the sum total of such points are and will continue to be (based on the democracy of creation) what we create as existence. Even if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice… This is also the way I see/view not only my responsibility in relation to my personal process, but also my responsibility to write and post honestly from where I am right now - even if I am still kind of like in a box.

On a another note, which actually ties into everything I have to say and have been saying, as I was writing the word, “mathematics” (in a paragraph that I deleted), I wasn’t sure if I should I use “e” and “a” to connect math and matics. I decided to go with an “e”, the symbol for energy, because in this existence (I guess) that, energy in formations of symbols called information is what defines the substance of life into and as the physical forms which we perceive and maybe exist as. Everything as the design of this existence is able to be defined, designed and created within and as words. In the beginning was the word, the word was... The word was placed as the tool with which to define, design and create within and as the substance of life.  As for creation, it's simply a design or designs of and as life or life forms. Something to ponder or consider.

In the next paragraph, I basically went on to attempt to explain how words as symbols joined together are actually the tools by which we design and create ourselves and existence. For a while, I used to think to myself, why didn’t existence come with a user manual, surely we would have included it in the overall design. Lol, as it turns out the user manual was included in the original design in the beginning as the word. I guess we just didn’t notice it - as it was here ever before we as beings emerged. Have a listen to The Secret History of the Universe series (many times). A huge amount is covered in those recordings.

Finally, after getting that off of my chest, I pushed myself to relate something of my personal process. From my perspective of comparing the nowadays of the present with the days gone by, I would say that I am making progress, especially in terms of spending less time within and as energetic movements of my mind, which I guess may be indicative of an expanding awareness.  Additionally, I no longer criticize or attack my mind for being so disciplined and diligent about asserting itself and even sometimes rebooting. Because after all is said and done, just as the design of the mind was apparently put in to prevent beings from gaining access to substance or the power of substance without understanding how to properly utilize it, so too perhaps was the design of consciousness placed into this existence long ago, before we even emerged, as a sort of a fail-safe plan to activate in the event that certain things didn’t go according to plan.  The story that I have to tell about consciousness goes on and on. The short version of it is (I guess), either we as existence correct the situation here or the Consciousness of existence will handle it for us, which may be so much fun. Accordingly, although this existence may be by design; what’s not by design is how we determine to create ourselves as we journey within and as it.

Which brings me back once again to the point that I started out to write. Even though I’ve been addressing and changing myself from participating in energetic definitions of consciousness to standing and moving more as physical awareness for  longer periods of time, the energies still do pop up every now and then when I least expect them, essentially when I’m not on guard. Thankfully, as I already related, I’m also getting better at stopping them or at least extracting myself from them more quickly, before so much damage has been done. The last time this occurred as I lay in bed imagining with pictures and sounds, I kept noticing the pain in my stomach growing bigger and bigger and I said to myself, I’ve gotta stop this, stop, stop, stop, enough is enough, I’ve dealt with this and I’m ending it right here. And I did just that. Nevertheless though, my mind continued to throw out suggestions or invitations here and there and sometimes even hook me for a moment, but only a moment, because, as I feel the pain and I do not enjoy it, I am also more than ever determined to stop and/or prevent it.

Of the of pain, I suggest that an awareness of physical pain is not something to shy away from, but to embrace and stand as equally as one is able so as to physically feel what the body’s going through and the damage that’s being done by the acceptance and allowance of such thought patterns. Specifically, pain can be very supportive in assisting one to locate the problem area and remain focused on solving it. Thus, I am starting to see more clearly how my body communicates and how we as body, being and mind are able to cooperate in this merging process. The Physical and I is a good place to learn more about the mind body relationship.

So, instead of viewing my mind as a hindrance, I’ve come to appreciate it as a tool or even a dedicated partner that I’m able to utilize in the process of  self-creation. As I see it, the gift of our minds as well as each one’s consciousness (aside its failsafe protocol - lol) is the presentation of the mirror image of (1) who/how we are in terms of what we have accepted and allowed of ourselves as points of energic definition and (2) via the absence of such energetic definitions, the progresses we’re making in determining how we are creating ourselves to be and become.

Finally, finally, I would like to reiterate that, the instruction manual to existence has always been here right in front of us within and as the word. All we’ve gotta do is re-organize ourselves as living words by rewriting our sentences of self imposed  diminishment to that of living words of potential expansion in order to move to re-substantiate ourselves as the substance of life based on equality, oneness and what is best. From this point, we are able to answer the question and fulfill our quest.