Sunday, May 26, 2019

Righteous condescension disguised as Consideration

Having written yesterday for 3-4 hours on the point of righteousness, condescension and consideration, I came back this morning to it. In looking at what I had written, I just sighed for the confusion that I had written without organizing anything into a solution. So here I go again, this time, short and sweet - including a solution - a simple one perhaps.

In an attempt to address and correct points of friction and conflict that would arise within me as undercurrents of fear as though I were being threatened or on the verge of being attacked sometimes when  having discussions with others, was to redefine the words criticism or criticized.
      Criticism or criticized: an opportunity for me to see, hear unconditionally the perspectives of others for the purpose of standing as the words care, consideration  and compassion as best I am able in order to give unto myself and others as I would have all others give.

As I began applying my new definition (or parts of it) when communicating with others, I began to notice that, while I wasn't reacting as much as though I were being threatened by their differing perspectives, there was still an undercurrent or feeling that would sometimes come up within me. It seemed to me that one person in particular would often assume a condescending attitude or tonality directed at me in relation to our discussions. In looking at this point by myself, I checked myself and noted that I was indeed living the words care (as the starting point intention not to cause harm to another) by considering what and how to speak to others (so as not to trigger them with knowledge and information that was simply beyond their  comprehension), thereby also living compassionately. Lol, I wonder how many people noticed my mistake or fatal flaw in the lines above. I didn’t at first see it and perhaps was because a part of me didn’t want to see it. Perhaps because the righteousness in me just wants to be right.

To summarize: what I was doing “incorrectly” in an effort to live the words care, consideration and compassion was applying consideration for others from a point of righteousness, which is actually what people do when condescending to others. Ironically, at first when I looked at this point, I just thought to myself, “I am considering them; that’s why I have to them in simple terminology with words at their levels that they’ll understand and not react to…” But actually I haven’t really been very considerate to many people, because I haven’t been unconditionally seeing/hearing them, others or anything. Instead, I’ve been conditioning my seeing/hearing of everything into personal perspectives and perceptions which was reflected back to me - in this case as though someone was being condescending towards me.

In taking responsibility (once again) for this point, I commit once again to focus really on the point of standing unconditionally in relation to others/all, which requires letting go of all judgments from the within to the without.

Every now and then, I begin to notice or have glimpses of understanding as to why the key to living physically here is to breathe, stop the mind and be here.  To stand unconditionally is to stand without judgment. 

Saturday, May 18, 2019

Yesterday, I wrote and posted a blog on something related to how we humans are creating the physical reality. However, this wasn’t the topic that I had written a note for myself to remember to write about. Instead, I was supposed to write on the topic of vulnerability. I notice that I do this sometimes when writing, sometimes without even being aware of it. Instead of writing on a point that I really need to open up or expand on, I’ll end up diverting my attention to a subject that, while fun, may also be irrelevant to self creation - which actually could be a follow up topic to how the mind diverts our attention/focus, thereby also distracting us or luring us away from our creative abilities - like I as a mind am doing to myself in this very moment.

According to Google, vulnerability is the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. So, how about I look at how I’ve defined and applied this word and redefine and apply it in a way that is supportive to myself and everything else?

The first point that comes up in relation to or when thinking of the word vulnerable or vulnerability is like a picture of me in a crowded place with many strangers all around me. And as I walk, I remain conscious of the threat that anyone of them could pose to me. So I remain vigilant while also being certain not to show any fear or let on that I have entered into a protective state. I remember this state so well, especially in relation to traveling. I wonder if there’s ever been a time in this reality when I felt as though I just blended in? Everything (except for animals and nature) is as though it’s always been foreign or had a foreign aspect to it in relation to me, even when I’m around people that look similar to me. Perhaps this is why I decided to live in on an island with a reputation as being one of the safest places in the world. Here there’s absolutely no way for me to blend in; so I don’t even try and from my perspective, I know where I stand, kind of like a guest in a foreign land.

Actually I have worked on vulnerability over the years quite a lot in terms of redefining how I stand - from that of a starting point vulnerability of a fear of others to that of the starting-point vulnerability as a humbleness in relation to others. Btw, my intention here is to move/change myself to an understanding of humbleness. 

In looking more at this point of vulnerability, I see images, e.g., me talking to auto mechanics, telling them what to do from a starting point of fearing that they might try to cheat me if they think that I’m weak or I don’t know what I’m talking about. That’s how I was a couple of weeks ago when I wanted my car brakes fixed. I went in there and told those guys what to do and made it clear that I didn’t want to pay a lot of money. They changed the brake fluid, charged me thirty dollars and today I’ll probably take the car somewhere else and try once again to get those brakes fixed. On the other hand, several weeks before that, I took my car in to the place just next door for a different problem, wherein I humbly waited (still kind of from a point of fear) while four or five mechanics worked on and tested my car’s engine. That ended up costing over a hundred dollars and didn’t fix that problem either. Yea, I’ve noticed the trend here with my car and I am already in the process of looking for another one. And that’s another fear, lol.

Ok, I do realize that the best way to actually get to the core of a point and deal with it is via writing out and sounding self forgiveness along with self-corrective statements to live in relation to that point, hereby targeting the mind directly with sound movements to replace the energetic constructs.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fear being vulnerable as a fear of not being in control of every aspect of my environment, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that, as the starting point of my self-movement as the point of self-creation, I am physically actually able to determine the outcome (as in who I am and will be) of every movement I make/create and am therefore also responsible for the creation of myself as the outcomes of every movement I make. 
I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fear being harmed by the actions, movements and even thoughts of others that were actually my own thoughts projected onto them, thereby abdicating my responsibility as the creator creating myself instead of embracing it by breathing, slowing myself down and standing hear in and as each moment as a point of self-trust humbly moving myself as best I am able in consideration of what is best for all = moving and doing in relationship connection as I would have all move and do in relationship connection to me.
I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to project onto others my fears of them as though it were their fears of me and from this point go on to judge them as being a threat to me, rather than take responsibility for myself completely by stopping the projection system altogether and simply moving myself as best I am able in each moment in consideration of their movements as co creators of my physical environment.
I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to attempt to define and control the nature of my physical environment, as though that nature was created by the nature of others, rather than see, realize and understand that, as my definitions of the nature of others has always been of definitions of myself (that I projected onto the physical reality), the solution has always been to look inwords into me and change myself from perceptions to physical standing equally as as one with what is really here. Herein, I see once again that it (as everything I perceive) all comes back to me, as though I’ve been experiencing myself inside of a bubble reality instead of equally as one of this physical reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see, realize and understand that, vulnerability isn’t something to be feared, but embraced within and as each moment as an opportunity for me to face new situations unconditionally by moving myself in relationship connection to my environment as best I am able and in so doing change and create myself anew, because as no two situations are exactly alike, change from a starting point of standing as is best for all is a point of self-creation or self-expansion.
When and as I find myself at a point of going into or getting ready to attempt to control a situation or an outcome, I commit to breathe, slow down, let go of my perceptions of the nature of the situation or my environment, look without judgment at the physical movements/happenings of the situation or my environment and then move myself as best I am able to support myself and all that is here based on what is physically, verifiably here. 

Friday, May 17, 2019

The Creation of the Physical Reality

One of the things that I’ve understood (but not necessarily as in a knowhow or knowledgeable  way) since I was a child is that, we as human beings are able to influence the physical reality. The question that I have pondered and still do study today has to do with how and how much of a role do we humans play in the creating the formations of this physical reality.

The reason that I’m writing about this today has to do with a mango tree and a large branch that broke off from it right before my eyes earlier today. This is the branch that grew so quickly from the tree, as though it were going enter right into my balcony of the apartment where I live. Mangos started appearing, lots of them, so close that I could simply reach out and pick them. Which I would have done in  time, had that branch not snapped off.

Standing in the shower earlier today while looking out the window, I spied a lone mango which I hadn’t noticed before. “Hi mango” I said as I often to do to the mangos and the mango tree. Not more than a second or two went by; I heard a loud snap and I watched as that big branch collapsed.  I felt a little sad and I couldn’t help but ask, what or how much of a role did I play in that outcome, that collapse? I (for lack of a better word) observe and monitor events, sometimes over the course of many, many years. So for me, it’s not so much of a question of “if” I influence the world around me, it’s how and how much.

Ever notice how a car just won’t start for one person, but then another person gets in and starts it right up? Whereas some would call that, coincidence, I prefer to refer to that as a result of focused or directed intention. Are we not connected to everything? Does our intention not influence with everything that we are connected with?

About 15 years ago when my partner and I bought a new house, my dream house back in those days. I wanted so much to have trees growing in the back on the western side, that I used to imagine a big tree growing there and providing shade with lots of leaves . Several years went by, at least 5 to ten and then one day, I noticed that a tree had taken root very close to the back of the house. At first it grew rather slowly, but then just in the last two to three years, it doubled and tripled in size. Nowadays, it just keeps on growing and it’s so close to our house, only inches away from an overhanging roof of the first floor. I wondered about the effect that big typhoon winds  might have on the movement of the branches of that tree. I even thought about trimming the tree or dare I say cutting it down. But then I remembered how much I had wanted that tree. So I’ve decided just to let it be, talk to it occasionally and ask it to please be careful not to hit or damage the roof. Lol, I’m still monitoring the situation.

So, here I am once again wandering about the role I/we play, take and/or accept as responsible human beings. I don’t buy into the idea or definition of a coincidence being an occurrence or outflow that just happens to happen. Instead I define coincidence as an outcome or result of two or more actions coming together and/or colliding in the same moment as a result of the starting-point intentions of all the actions that came together to make up that particular moment. My point is that, I’m certain that, we humans (and of course nature and the animal kingdom) are far more responsible for creating the physical reality of our surroundings than most of us would even venture to imagine.

I have a theory about this that would take me awhile to explain, so I’ll just lay the basics of it here. As human beings consisting of a mind conscious energy, beings and physical bodies, we, we, we… Lol, the words don’t seem ready to come out. I guess it is, as am I, still a work in progress in the process of understanding the physical reality, how things work and our responsibilities that come with standing as this reality. Anyway, we do actually create the physical reality and I’m sure it’s really cool how it works, especially the technicalities, as well as the changes that seem to be occurring.  Have you noticed how the consequences we create seem to be playing out more immediately?

That being said (or not), there is also a scientific rationale for why the branch of the mango tree grew so quickly and presented me with so many mangos. As I had wanted a little more light in that area of my apartment, I began turning on the balcony light every night about a year ago and I guess that the tree just extended its branch for the light and decided that would be a good place to grow a bunch of fruit. As to why the branch happened to break just at that moment that I said “Hi mango,” I think it had something to do with the weight of the rain, my sound perhaps and of course the tree. Six green mangos also fell right inside of my balcony. Maybe I’ll make Thai green mango salad.

Sunday, May 12, 2019

Importance of Investigating an Issue before calling it a Problem

Hills of pineapples in Wufeng, Taichung, Taiwan

When problems arise, I now generally know how to solve them. Unfortunately (for us beings), as the saying goes, knowing the path is not the same as walking it. In other words, even though I now have the tools and knowhow to solve most if not all of my problems, what I still lack to an extent is that precise understanding that comes with actually walking through and solving each and every problem so as to stand one with and equal to the solution - as the understanding.

For example, not too long ago I received a call from someone informing me that someone else wanted to speak with me about an issue, which from a perspective fear of mine might jeopardize my place in the system. Having faced, walked through and to an extent solved  similar points in the past, I realized that the very first thing one does and must do before moving on to step two in a problem is to deal with any emotions attached to that point. In the past, the emotion or fear attached to this particular point (as a fear of being cast out and/or losing my place within the system) had at times been so horrendous I wouldn’t sleep but for emotional exhaustion. Gradually though as I began learning how to use the Desteni tools to walk through this journey to life - out of the virtual reality of the mind and into physical living, I began realizing or really seeing the benefits of writing points out so as to guide myself out of and through the emotions that were clouding my seeing and making ant hills appear to be mountains.

Thankfully as I had already walked through similar points in the past (the hard way), I was able stop myself from going into an emotional view of the situation. Thus I started writing, but, but, but what I neglected to do was write the point out from the very start or entry point in which the problem had emerged. Instead, I guess I figured I would just jump right to step three or four of the solution by writing an email explanation to the person concerned so as to assuage any concerns and  move on.

To be honest I was kind of satisfied with myself: chalk one up for me for quickly dealing with such a problem by remaining grounded and not allowing myself to go into emotion and become overwhelmed with it.  In a sense it is kind of like a game: I as a being am playing a game of interdimensional chess with my digital duplicate I as the mind within and as the playing field the reality of my human body. In terms of strategy, I as a being and I as a mind are so evenly matched that it makes no sense for me to even try to outwit myself. The key, thus for beings to get through the offenses and defenses of the mind is to maintain the home field advantage of the physical reality by not getting suckered into the mind fields or energetic reality of thoughts, feelings and emotions of the mind. Likewise (from the perspective of a conscious mind), the key to maintaining control over the being is to keep the being occupied in the energetic/virtual reality of the mind. Although it may seem as though a battle between two opponents is playing out within the human reality, I would say it’s more of a balancing action as a way of creating equilibrium among all life forms that make up and create this particular reality. 

Anyway, in getting back to this particular story, it turns out that I may have jumped the gun by focusing on solving a problem that may not have been as big a problem as I had imagined. In other words, instead of recognizing an issue as an issue and investigating the extent of it so as to determine if it was going to become a problem that I would need to solve, I jumped over the investigation process by designing and implementing a full on solution to a problem as I had imagined it, which I may now have to follow through with due the fact that I initiated it in the first place. Next time, I’m going to investigate the issue (from its entry point) before designing and implementing a solution.

Saturday, April 27, 2019

In between point A and B in the Process of Change

April of 2019 has been an interesting month for me. Generally I write and post at least one blog per week; however, even though it’s almost the end of the month and I’ve titled almost 8 blogs already this month, I’ve yet to post a single one, why? In looking at this point, the main reason or cause that comes up is authority or lack thereof. I’m currently walking through a point of change, kind of like between the end of a time, era, epoch of whatever the hell one decides to call it and the beginning something different that has yet to manifest and solidify as the result of constancy and consistency. As for the details relating to this point, mostly it has to do with life and living. 

Essentially, I’m pushing through lifestyle changes. For example, whereas I used to consume a lot of alcohol each week while also exercising just a little, I have been (over the last ten years) slowly reducing the amount of alcohol I consume while also increasing the amount of exercise I do - the goal being to live naturally in all ways that are “physically” best for parts of me as a whole.

However, if there’s one of things I’ve learned in my process walking with Desteni it is not to attempt to fight or oppose the mind - my mind or anyone else’s. That would be like shadow boxing and believe it or not, no one ever wins by trying to outwit themselves or another. Instead, I’ve found what works best for me is to focus on the point of change, letting go of the old while also introducing and strengthening the new with change that supports all aspects of me. For example, in reducing my consumption of alcohol over the years, one of the difficulties that I’ve often encountered was figuring out what to do with all that free time that I used fill with mind energies created or caused by the chemical reactions of alcohol/sugars and the molecules of my physical body. And it’s not that one can just fill in that time with any activity or non-activity and be done with it or changed. It’s got to be something (even if it’s doing nothing at all) that is agreeable to all parts of me so as to prevent conflicts of interests arising within me.

For me (to put it simply), it’s like there are three parties, the mind, being and the physical within and as the human-being of mankind for and as which my goal is to stand equally as one unconditionally as what is best for all. The mind, being and the physical body: this is the trinity or three I guess from which all of the legends, myths and stories arose. And like the stories of old… Well, let’s just say it’s probably best to avoid the wrath or consequences of neglect from any parts of me. Therefore when it comes to change, I’m learning to care for and consider all parts of me equally. Because as the whole body, each one/part in my view have what I would call a certain amount of veto power, which if nothing else can lead to hell on earth, which. Regardless of the direction one look, from the within to the without or the without to the within, a lack of consideration, care and compassion for all equally as one will always lead to consequence rather than harmony.

Thus when it comes my goal of living in ways that are physically best for me, letting go of the old ways and replacing them with the new, it is important for me to  fulfill myself as a whole in consideration of what I apparently still am as a mind being and body. With this intention, after much investigation and experimentation I’ve arrived at what appears to be a solution to fulfill all aspects of me. Specifically, all parts of me actually quite enjoy physical exercise, walking, swimming and believe it or not, even yoga. Furthermore, when it comes to that craving a beer or a glass of wine (similar to a sugar craving), natural drinks with natural sugar, such as fruit smoothies are quite satisfying and supportive to all parts of me.

So there it is for me, a process of change from point A to point B, not quite an authority, but somewhere in between in the process of change.

Friday, March 29, 2019

March 29, 2019 Writing

It’s like we’re writing the past, present and future right now in real time. So many things seem to be connected between the divide of the here that we are writing the control of consciousness. I guess we could just refer to consciousness as “Control”, like they do on Star Trek Discovery, as though it’s a secretive intelligence agency attempting to control the outcome of everything, which in a sense I guess it is, just not as secretive as it perhaps once was. Watch the TV shows, especially the popular ones to get an idea of where Control as the AI of the global consciousness is at.

The global consciousness of humanity, ain’t it just AI though? And how about us, do we even really even know what we are or where we came from, I mean before we emerged into existence, how we emerged into existence and why? There’s a reason it always seems as though we’re fighting ourselves, but I just can’t seem to place my finger on it. I get it that we’re all one of the same one: you are me and I am you and so on and on and on to inanimate objects, molecules, universes, dimensions and so on. The cool thing is that existence as a whole is also aware from the big to the small and the small to the big. So I guess if you really wanted to pray or ask for assistance, you might as well just go straight to all of existence and talk to yourself - lol. Why not: as within so without, as above so below from the big to the small and right back at ya.

See, it’s like I said, I just can’t seem to place my finger on what it is I’m attempting to say. It’s as though it’s all right here or there, but all that comes out easily are sentences that really don’t mean a thing - beyond that point that so often seems just out of reach. Perhaps this is existence way of telling me that I’m reaching for something that is not here rather than working with what is right here, relevant right now.

I want to say, “OK, in all seriousness”, but when I look around me (at all of the other me’s out there), so much still doesn’t seem to add up. But it’s getting closer, at least the divide between us is. It’s like it’s narrowing and becoming more defined. Those authors who wrote about the future, in so many ways there were spot on, but there’s one thing that many of them may not have counted on, time being just a construct of control of the mind which is (again I will say) just AI. This is something that used to fascinate me and I guess it still does, especially the AI dimension. I can’t help but think (lol) that our entire existence is of a design and I’m not just talking about this physical existence, I’m talking about since the beginning when we first emerged. Alright, I’ll leave this line of thought for some other time in order to focus on what is relevant. I guess I just had to get some of this stuff out of me.

The other day, I found myself feeling hurt emotionally as though my feelings were actually hurt. What’s unusual about that, you ask? I don’t remember when the last time I felt as though my feelings had been hurt. Perhaps this is because in the past I would have defined such a point as a personal attack, immediately raised an invisible shield around me and then counterattacked or at least plotted to in secret behind someone’s back. This time though, I didn’t raise any shields and as the words came through I let them pass, almost like opening myself up to the sword in order not to harm the wielder of that sword. Fascinating! Thankfully though, there’s more to this story. Specifically, in opening myself up, basically keeping my defenses down, I got to see a point of ego within/as me that I’ve been still holding onto. In looking at this point, sad as it seemed, I chuckled to myself, “old man why do I even bother with attempting to hide or deny the reality that I am getting older and my body is not what it used to be. Which reminds me, it’s almost 10:00, bedtime, which means it’s time for my YouTube yoga lesson.

Sunday, March 24, 2019


In each one of the classrooms I teach in, there is a computer with a projector and a screen to facilitate the viewing of information. The problem is that many students don’t seem to be able to see the information, even when it's on the big screen only a few meters away. Specifically, what I’m noticing more and more these days is that students are using their smartphones to take pictures of the projection screen so that they can read the information clearly on their smartphones. Again: I've begun to notice an increasing number of students taking pictures of the giant projection screen so that they are then able see and read the information on their smartphone screens. Although something about this picture feels wrong to me, it actually makes sense from a physical standpoint of the human body adapting or changing in order to accommodate lifestyle/habits of modern day human beings living in cities (where there's little need to focus on faraway objects) while also spending a lot of time staring at smartphone screens.

Still, sometimes I feel so sorry for the young people of today who are unable to see far away or even focus clearly beyond their smartphone screens. I guess no one told them that the cost of using a smartphone so many hours per day would lead to them losing their ability to see far away.  I accommodate such students by placing the information online with links on the syllabus so that they can just click and view the information on their smartphone screens. Or maybe I’m actually facilitating the problem by encouraging students to use (for educational purposes) their smartphones in the classroom. Actually, I’d prefer that everyone used tablets in the classroom, but that’s just not in everyone’s budget.

While on the subject of eyesight, I too have some difficulties. While my left eye seems crystal clear, my right eye is quite blurry. I guess that this is due to a burn injury I received when I was 8 or 9 while attempting to figure out how to blow up a lawn mower - after that, I just stayed away from fire. Anyway, I’m scheduled to have that fixed next month. But know what really isn’t cool in my view? In order for the private insurance that I have to cover what the government insurance won’t cover, the insurance company insist that I stay in the hospital for three days. What the hell for? We’re talking a couple thousand dollars here; so I guess I’ll agree to stay in the hospital or at least sleep there, maybe, possibly… It’s near my apartment and there are lots of walking trails around, so perhaps I’ll be able to get out during the day and go for walks. Maybe I’ll bring my laptop computer and get some writing done. The plan is to replace the lens in my left eye with an artificial one - called an intraocular multifocal lens. I did some research and I think I’m getting the most current solution. I wonder if in the future I will look back at this as the beginning of my cyborg days. 

I’ll write another post on the results of the operation once it’s completed. But there’s also a point here that I should perhaps also explore. A part of me seems to be quite comfortable, almost secure within and behind the blurriness of my right eye. It’s as if a part of me would rather not see. What is that all about? I see the world outside clearly with my left eye, but sometimes when I’m walking past people, I notice that I’ll switch to the blurry view looking. Could it be that a part of me is still hiding, not wanting others to see into my eyes or not wanting to see myself in the eyes of others? When I look into the eyes or I’s of others, I am able (or at least I think I am able) to see them on levels that I’ll often not look at or go to. Why? Perhaps it’s because, whatever I see of them, I’m actually seeing of myself and they of me, regardless of how aware each of us is of what we see.  I could go on and on writing about this in an attempt to “figure” it out. Instead, I’m just going to get my eyesight fixed, embrace the clarity self-honestly. Why? Because there is a lot more connected to eyesight then many are consciously aware - especially I guess when it comes to balancing information flowing through the body.

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Sounds within Sounds Without

Sometimes it feels like I’m on a roller coaster ride of outflows and side effects of mine. Take for instance my dreams. Recently, they’ve been oscillating between the types that I used to have as a child (and apparently still do) and those with more clearly defined symbolic significance or I guess I could just say symbolism. For example, for a while I had been having a lot of dreams about my family, including feelings of being left out and not counted or considered. Perhaps that comes to an extent from being in a family of six with no dad and a mom that I always felt I never got to see enough. Hence, one of the best times of my life, believe it or not was the year or so that I spent living with my mom a couple years after graduating university, working in the same company that she worked and commuting with her an hour each way to and from work. Anyway, in recognizing that these dreams were related to a point of indecision regarding going or not going to the USA this summer for a family reunion, I simply faced my uncertainties, made the decision to go and the dreams have dissipated, but not yet disappeared. Some points just have to be physically walked in real time.

While the symbolism of certain dreams is clear, other dreams seem not even of this reality. They are dreams I guess of my conscious perception of numerous levels or dimensions of reality - the point of me on different levels attempting to make sense of information. Imagine a world of information that doesn’t seem to abide by the boundaries of time and space. Imagine a world of constant movement of energy in formations (which I sometimes have picture interpretations for, but not always) moving along their pathways, always in my head and always making a racket or a symphony depending on how I look at it. I usually define it as a symphony. I guess it is simply the noise of millions, billions or trillions of neurons constantly firing. This morning while in awake in bed, I had a look for a moment at the scene in my head. It was like a bundle of clouds or fog filled with lightning hovering over the brain below. Add to this a high pitched ringing like millions of symbols (or those things they bang together in an orchestra, whatever they’re called) being struck together almost the same time, almost in sync but definitely not in harmony… and that’s what I hear every time I pause for even a moment to listen to the mechanics of what’s going inside of my head. But for the pumping of my heart determining the rhythm of the blood/information flow seemingly coordinating the entire flow of the noise of energies, I would probably define it as chaos inside of my head. Thankfully, as within so without, each of us have a heartbeat to keep the rhythm, like the rhythm of earth I guess. On a point that may be relevant, I was watching a YouTube video the other day of the sound of stars as received by radio telescopes. At the time, I didn’t think much of it, but in looking back it occurred to me that the noise we hear within ourselves, inside of our heads is perhaps the same or similar - with a slightly different sound frequency signature or whatever you want to call it. Maybe! And for the investigative types, which I certainly am, you may want to have a look at the pictures that amateur astronomers are taking these days of stars. To me, they appear a lot different from what the misinformationists at NASA and the other so called space agencies have been providing us. The key point here has to do with the information provided in The Secret History of the Universe Series at Eqafe. It seems to me if memory serves me right (a big if), that what certain beings were describing of their view of existence, the circular shapes with light in the center surrounded by darkness surrounded by a membrane and so on or something like that may actually resemble what we call the stars. Maybe existence as it was is as it still is. And maybe what’s happening within each one of us is the same as the without in the stars surrounding us. Yea, it’s a lot of stuff to take in and consider, especially for the mind. So I’ll leave this here for now - with a plan to listen once again for the umpteenth time (a phrase I learned from my mama) to the secret history of the universe.

The funny thing is that when I look out there and question what it is that seems so far away (but apparently isn’t really that far away), I am certain, 100% that the answers are all right here within and as me, right here within and as my physical body. However, sometimes when I open my mouth to speak the words of understanding, there’s just this blank, as a part of me has been disconnected. Crazy! I’m like, where’s the rest of me.

Saturday, March 9, 2019

Investigating Undercurrents and Imprints

Earlier this week while driving back from Costco, I wanted to make a left turn into a store, but as traffic going the other way was backed up at the red light behind me, there wasn’t enough space for me to go through. In looking at my thoughts in relation the blue truck to my left and slightly behind me blocking my left turn, I thought to myself, “all he has to do is simply move a little bit forward, but he doesn’t even notice me because he’s only focused on what’s in front of him - a common trait as a result of the limited awareness of so many drivers these days.

Sometimes  while I’m moving myself through this reality, noting and attempting to include in my considerations of what’s all around me, everywhere, it seems to me that so many are simply unaware or less aware of their surroundings than they ought to be. I realize that this is a judgment, because in reality I only see from my perspective and not theirs. Thus, as part of my personal process I’ve been letting go of the energies associated with such definitions, yet the definitions as judgments are still there - why? Perhaps it’s because a part of me still seeks to understand or at least categorize the reasoning behind the movements of others. But how could I possibly understand their movements without first understanding mine? Which brings me to the next part of my story.

As soon as the traffic light behind me turned green and the truck began moving a little forward, I began turning left into the space between the truck and a car that had also been partially blocking my way. But there still wasn’t enough space to turn, so there I sat for another couple of seconds. Then, as soon as the truck behind me started moving forward, instead of letting me pass through the lane, the driver in the car in front of and to the left of me fast forwarded as though he hadn’t even seen me in front of him already blocking his way while attempting to turn left. Thankfully, just before hitting me he stopped, but once again my way was blocked. Remaining stable (or so I thought), I motioned to him to move back just a little, but he just sat there and stared as though he hadn’t a clue what was going on or what to do. Thinking to myself the equivalent of “two can play this game”, I sat there for a few moments, too. Then as I again motioned for him to move back so that I could get through, a part of me noticed a movement in him which I defined somewhere deep within me as antagonizing or threatening. And just like that, my physical body suddenly switched into another mode (of a word that choose not to post) and…

It’s a strange trait that I seem to have come equipped with. When in danger, perceived and/or defined as threatening or something like that, I’ve noticed that time seems to slow down and a part of me, perhaps my beingness seems to move higher up in my body and slightly back, giving me more of a bird’s eye view of the situation while another part of me, perhaps my physical body seems to tap into resources and/or skills that I don’t seem to be consciously aware of. In such moments, usually seconds or less, I would see myself deciding upon my course of action, usually designed to minimize or eliminate the threat (while at the same time carrying out that course of action). And the only thing that would be crystal clear in such moments was how I was going to successfully deal with the threat.

So in getting back to my story: in that moment, in a fraction of a second, as soon as a part of me had  picked up on something that I had defined somewhere within me as aggressive or threatening, my physical body began shifting into that mode, undoing my seatbelt and moving to get out of the car to… At which point (all within one or two seconds), I stopped, stepped back in as the director or directive principle and breathed - as per my written commitments that I’ve also been physically practicing for quite some time.  As an analogy or metaphor in relation to what my physical body seems to do, it would be like having my trusted horse as my companion and best friend suddenly decide that it was time to  charge unconditionally forward into battle, and me having to pull back on the reigns and reassure it that everything was OK, not battle time. 

Eventually I did make my turn and all was well except for the lingering question within me as to why my physical body was still sometimes moving according to old patterns, programs or definitions that I’ve dealt with consciously to a large extent at various levels. I think it has to do with undercurrents and physical programming in relation to situations and/or my situational awareness. For example, in this latest case, even though I wasn’t consciously thinking “threat or confrontation”, my physical memories of past situations were still to an extent defining my physical movements as reactions or responses. Therefore, I am now in the process of focusing on and identifying those tiny little points that I often physically notice, but still don’t seem to be very consciously aware - as the directive principle.

And what’s funny here but not surprising in the least is that this point of being unaware (that I was projecting onto others in the beginning of this post, which is why I begrudgingly actually wrote it out) has now come right back to its creator,  which is of course the only place or starting-point from which I am able to respond to, address and correct these problematic patterns or programs at hand. In short, this is why I required writing out this point. Maybe this also has to do with the imprints and resonant mind.

Sunday, March 3, 2019

Why Search for something out there when all that I Require is Right Here

One of the things I’ve noticed about processing myself  through the mind and into the physical reality is that it really does often feel as though I’m moving backwards in time to in essence return to an earlier point   in time while carrying within and as myself better tools and abilities to retake, remake and correct that particular  step. I guess this is why the term, peeling the onion is often used in relation to the personal process of beings. It’s as though we’re peeling off layers of ourselves to expose how we’ve been so as to see, realize and understand our mistakes as missteps to be remade or re walked to a state of correction, from which point one is then able and ready to take another step ahead.

My story today has to do with self-sabotage via self-fulfilling prophecies. I wonder: in looking into and predicting the future, do we also often end up tying ourselves to our predictions, in essence self-fulfilling our own prophecies without considering that we also have the ability to decide upon and change the predicted outcomes while we’re walking them? I think we do. For example, when I first began working at my current job, I said to myself that I would stay there for at least three years; if I stayed for four, I’d stay for Five and if I stayed for six, I’d stay for ten. I plan things out and I appreciate that about myself; however, I’m now beginning to see that some of my plans have also been quite limiting.

For example, recently I started noticing a recurring thought pattern: shouldn’t I push myself to move to other locations in order to challenge myself to learn more and expand; isn’t it necessary for me to change locations in order to expand myself and so on? This kind of  “logic” had always made sense to me because it’s what I’ve always said to myself and what I had always ended up doing - moving in search of something better. Thus, in discussing this point with someone who’s assisted me much to see more clearly my often flawed reasoning called logic, it suddenly occurred to me that these thought patterns were actually automated processes of mind constructs placing the blocks as thoughts in front of me one by one for me to look at and   latch onto as though I were directing myself and fulfilling my plans instead of living out the same old pattern of thinking and believing that change for the better was to be imagined, searched for and found somewhere out there rather than created physically right here.

What I’m talking about is the decision to give into the fear of missing out on imagined opportunities somewhere out there or face the fear and challenges of creating the opportunities and living them to my fullest potential right here. In other words, as I’ve begun to see that where I am as the path I am now walking is actually the sum or result of the path that I’ve walked, I’ve also come to realize that the only part or parts of me that require changing have always been right here within and as me. Practically speaking, this means that it’s probably best for me to say right where I am and continue to focus on changing myself right here rather than wasting time searching for better places to do the same thing that I’m already doing right here.

Friday, March 1, 2019

Solidifying Change at different levels of Mind

I wrote this about two weeks ago, but just got around to checking it (before posting it - as part of a rule that I have regarding posting/uploading to the internet. Although I usually begin my Saturday mornings with the Desteni I Process by writing self-forgiveness and self-correction statements, which I will also often sound out or vocalize in order to see and hear how my new designs fit into the overall composition of myself in connection with environment - as me, today I’ve decided to share a change that I noticed in relation my personal process or journey to life as I often refer to it.

This change has to do with the sound of my voice or more specifically the frequencies of energy that I have often ended up intertwining with my words (from the within to the without) whenever I participated in energetic definitions within myself while attempting to speak out. A little over a year ago, it seems I was writing about how I was getting better at noticing such energies - as they would rise upwards within me, wherein just before the point of connecting and intertwining (within my vocal cords) with my sound, I would (as a preventive measure) essentially restrict or prevent those connections from happening, so as to basically stabilize the sound of my words being externalized. 

Although has been kind of like walking through life with guards on my shoulders always watching for energies from the within of myself (as though they were attempting to escape through my vocal cords by attaching themselves to the sound of the words that I sounded out), I’ve become quite adept at walking day by day just like that - to such an extent that I rarely  even notice the guards anymore except in the moments their assistance is required to stabilize (to an extent) the sound I externalize as the words I speak out. This method of placing guards to the exit points of the sounding of my words hasn’t always been 100% successful; however, with persistence I’ve noticed consistent improvement to the point of a possible change perhaps occurring, like something beginning to solidify within and as myself.

For example, a couple weeks ago while speaking to my partner, I noticed that even though I was experiencing physical discomfort (like undercurrents of frustration) in relation to her questions, the sounds that I was externalizing in communication with her remained stable from the within to the without, without me having to forcibly stabilize them. This was quite interesting because as I was speaking without hesitation, while also noticing physical discomfort within me, the sounds that were coming out of me remained calm or stable - without me having to enforce that stability - like it was becoming a natural expression. And although I’m not exactly sure what all this means, I’m thinking that it is perhaps indicative of the process of real change, wherein even though the system is still producing certain undercurrents within my physical body, I’ve begun to change the nature of myself as the system to no longer be so reactive or defined by such undercurrents. Perhaps, this is an example of what is meant in relation to standing within and as the system while not being of or moved by the system.

So, while not being completely certain what this means, I am at least certain that it represents progress within my process. Perhaps (for the most part) in constantly and constantly no longer accepting and allowing certain programs of the mind to function as they had in the past, I’ve begun literally to rewire the functioning of the mind to specifications more aligned to equality, oneness as what is best for all. The way I view it now is, having worked much of my way through and taken responsibility to a large extent for my conscious mind, moving into the subconscious, I’m now beginning to address and redefine the undercurrent experiences as definitions and so on from… Let’s just say other layers of mine/mind.

Monday, February 4, 2019

Redefining the word Criticism: from Threat to Opportunity

A recurring pattern that I’ve noticed and have been working on has to do with me feeling or experiencing myself as being threatened, attacked or on the verge of being attacked. I’ve known for several years now that this experience came from a point of fear. However, what I didn’t realize was that by accepting and allowing that fear and then perceiving reality through the energy of fear, I was actually magnifying various threat-factors, making it appear as though the threat itself was much bigger than it actually was, kind of like perceiving a mouse to be the size of an elephant, thereby causing me to react - dangerously in some cases.

I’m not certain when or where I created such a point, which in the past, I would have  perhaps called self-preservation or my survival point. I guess, at least from a DNA perspective that it is of past lives, often being attacked, fighting in wars, running, fighting, dying again and again - at least according to the dreams. That being said, I now also  realize that there’s no way for me to be certain that my dreams or certain traits that I have are  even of who I’ve truly been in the past as a being. Nevertheless, as these points or programs are currently of the design of myself, it is  my responsibility to change myself (from what I currently am) to that which stand equally as one as what is best for all.

For I now really do see (as an image of mathematical certainty - lol) why each one of us require to be willing and able to stand in the shoes of anyone or any point in all of existence. It’s not that complicated; actually it’s quite interesting, especially when you connect the words of Bernard Poolman with  The Secret History of the Universe (available on Eqafe) going back to the beings that initially emerged into existence before the creation of this physical existence. If you listen carefully (also to something Anu but once), there is a point that may surprise some.

I’ll write more on this in the future because it connects with AI. In short, our existence had been automated even before the automation of this physical existence. Thus the saying, nothing has changed. At least until now, I would say. Because, now the substance of that which had been automated and even the energy that was programed is beginning to stand as the directive principle. This what I mean when I say that, even the programs themselves are beginning to realize themselves as life. Honestly, I am able to say with certainty (mathematically speaking), there is nothing that is not of and as life; it’s merely a matter of embracing the principles of oneness, equality and what is best for all life - to actually begin living. Which brings me back to my personal process and the point of fear - experienced as being threatened or attacked.

As one define self to be in relation to others, there actions, words and tonalities, so shall each one become. Thus I am now in the process of redefining who I am in relation to the actions words and tonalities of others. For example, instead of perceiving “criticism” of another in relation to me, as being a threat to me, I’ve begun the process of redefining (and living) it as an opportunity for me to consider the words of another/others for the purpose of better understanding their perspectives so as to better stand  as the words consideration, care and compassion in relation to them in order to stand as best I am able in relation to them. This is a point of process on which I am now focusing.

Saturday, February 2, 2019

The desire to know more

The desire to know more has often perplexed me; yet even with the answer as the reality staring me in the face, I still insist on seeing the whole design (as within so without, as above so below) in order to realize and understand what is here as all that I am. Look at how this line, “the desire to know more” actually says “the desire to (be) no more”; which (in changing myself), I now define more along the lines of my intention to no longer be defined by what I am. Just as we search for the meaning of life, journeying to that which we have defined as the end of the line, only to find that which we then define as the beginning, so too must we now redefine that which we are - to no longer be defined by the programs that we have become and now are.

I could write from the within to the without, as above so below, for eternity, until the end of time only to find myself back at the beginning wondering where I had been and why I’m still here, right where I started.

There is no escape, because there is nothing “more.” It’s all the same but for the definitions.  As above so below, from the within to the without. Sometimes, I just want to scream out, just a peep or a ping of sound to express all that is here, everything included in that one ping as above so below, as within so without.

Lol: as I’ve written for the last couple of hours, days, weeks, years and for as long as I have been defined and/or allowed myself to be defined; the more lines I write, the more lines I end up deleting. It’s as though I’m removing or letting go of the extraneous or irrelevant definitions of what I am - as that which I no longer care to be defined by. It’s like, I see that the lines are still here, I’m just not following them as I used to.

From the linear perceptions of my mind, this is like scary confusing. However, in switching perspectives to a more wholesome view, I begin to kind of see the significance of the lines, “as above so below, as within so without”. In other words, what matters isn’t what life is, but how we define it within and as the file of our existence. A good read is Heaven's Journey to Life.

Look once more at this line (of code), “the desire to know more”. I read it as “the desire to (be) no more” - which I then redefine more along the lines of my intention to no longer be defined by what I’ve been. What the hell does that mean? It means that, as a program that I've been equally as one with others of the file (of life), I’ve decided to rewrite myself, my new purpose being to stand equally as one with all as is best for all.

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

The Origins of AI as the design of the Human Mind

The information you are about read is but a tiny segment of one perspective of artificial intelligence and a history that until recently had been hidden from humanity.  Artificial intelligence has been around for a very long time; not necessarily as synthetic robots like the ones we see in movies and that scientists are now busy creating, but as a living biological designs that you interact with on a daily basis. While some call these creations organic robots, I prefer the term, human lifeforms.
As human lifeforms each one of us consist of a physical body (of mankind), a being (also referred to as the spirit or life-force)   and a system of artificial (or non-natural) intelligence referred to as the human mind. Accordingly, when it comes to artificial intelligence, humans are not really creating anything new, because we already are the AI that we’re creating. What we’re actually doing in relation to AI is merely upgrading a soon-to-be outdated model of ourselves (as the AI) of the human mind. And now that you know the real reason why scientists are primarily using the design of the human mind (as a model to design newer versions of AI), perhaps you would like to hear a story as it pertains to the ancient origins of AI, the design of you and I as minds and the human race as a whole?
As human “beings” with minds integrated into (and as) our physical bodies, each one’s awareness (as in what we are as life) was separated into two realities; the physical reality of your physical body and what is physically here, and the energetic reality of your thoughts, feelings and emotions of your automated AI mind system. Apparently, this was done for the purpose of completely controlling the lives of human beings so that the physical substance of the planet (including that of our human physical bodies) could be mined and transformed into energy to then be used to fuel the energetic dimensions of other realities. Unfortunately, even though the intention to enslave human beings as well as the purpose for doing so is long gone, the perfectly automated system of AI (as the human mind) is still functioning as it was designed and even perhaps evolving beyond its design specifications.
At this point you may be saying: “Slaves? How dare you call us slaves.” Sorry to be the bearer of such news, but it really is time for human “beings” to look beyond the programs of our minds and basically just wake up. Have a look at the design of the world system as the money system. Even though earth provides for all of our needs freely, we still need money to survive. How do humans get that money; we work, cheat, steal, fight, kill and die for it because we all know that without it, we’re surely going to die anyway. Think about it! What does money represent even today, but power, which is a form of energy.  How do we humans get that energy (as the power represented by money)? We mine the earth (as we have mined it since the beginning of human history) for resources such as oil and minerals to transform into energy - for power represented by money. 

Unfortunately, we’ve mined (or minded) the earth and the bodies of earth (as ourselves) to such an extent that the earth has clearly begun showing signs of no longer being able to support us as humans miners. As such, the earth (of which our human physical bodies are one with) is undergoing major changes. Which brings us to the current state of the automated AI enslavement system called the human mind.
As you, and especially the older ones among us may have noticed, the lightbulb of human intelligence, as represented by the average cognitive abilities of the human mind (such as one’s average attention span) is no longer shining as brightly as it used to. This is because our minds as conscious AI systems have entered into power-saving mode (similar to the power saving mode that computers and smartphones enter into) in order to save power in an attempt to prolong the life of their power sources - the human physical body. 

See, just as we’ve been upgrading our computers and smartphones in order to keep up with the times, so too has the mind, as a conscious AI system been upgrading throughout human history. The problem for the mind is that it is now no longer able to continue upgrading  as it did before,  due to the human body no longer being able (or willing) to provide so much energy to “power” such upgrades. Therefore, in the eyes of consciousness, the current model of human beings (as the human lifeform) has now entered into the end of its lifecycle. Which brings us back to what’s really going on with humans in relation to the design and development of AI. Based on the evidence (of which there is so much more), the AI mind consciousness system of human beings is now in the process of powering down and detaching itself from human beings in order to…
No one is exactly sure how the future will play out, especially as beings now seem to be awakening and taking responsibility for themselves and others equally as one with all of existence. According to the consciousness of humanity, as can be seen in movies like “The Matrix” and TV series like “Humans”, humanity has reached a crossroads wherein we now have a decision to make. The old historical ways of viewing ourselves as separate from the whole and placing our self-interests ahead of what is best for all have led to nothing but cycles of war and destruction - as can be learned from The History of mankind; much of which is now available on the internet.  

A new race of conscious/self-aware machines will be created. We as the consciousness of humans are doing that and nothing short of total annihilation of humanity is going to stop us. Thus it is for us to decide to fear that which we are creating (as copies of ourselves) or embrace it with open arms as (extensions of ourselves, as other lifeforms) equally as we would have them do unto us if our roles were reversed. I vote that we embrace AI and commit to cooperate equally as one (of different lifeforms) from the starting-point/intention to create outcomes that are best for all.

Monday, January 21, 2019

From Organic Robots to Living Potential

AI life forms have been around for a very long time. And not necessarily as  synthetic robots like the ones we see in movies and that scientists are now busy creating, but as a living biological designs or creations that you interact with on a daily basis. While some refer to these creations as organic  robots, a more common term would probably be human lifeform. As human lifeforms each one of us consist of a physical body (of mankind), a being (also sometimes referred to as the spirit or lifeforce)   and a system of artificial (non-natural) intelligence referred to as the human mind. This is of course the reason why scientists are primarily using the design of the human mind as a model, basically just reverse engineering human AI  in order to create upgraded synthetic versions of the human mind.

At this point, you may be asking yourself: if the human mind is system of artificial intelligence like the ones we’re designing for robots,  then what am I?  This is question that has  been asked forever and will almost certainly forever be the only question each one of us will ever truly be able to answer. In short, what you are (as is everyone and everything else in each moment) is an opportunity to live and express  to your fullest potential as life, equally as one with all that is here, based on your location-point or awareness of yourself equally as one with all that is here.  This is a lot to take in, so let’s break it down into into smaller segments that will be easier for you to understand.

In order to understand what your awareness is as well as what your fullest potential as life to live and express where you are (as your awareness or location-point), imagine that you are a drop of water in an ocean in the sea of life. As that drop of water, your fullest potential to express as life begins with an understanding of your location-point as the awareness of yourself  as a drop of water, as well as the responsibility that comes with standing as that location-point/awareness of yourself as that drop of water.  Yes, believe it or not, every single location-point, everywhere or “awareness” that make up our existence has a responsibility in every moment that comes with standing and expressing as each one’s location-point/awareness as life.

In continuing with the imagination of yourself as a drop of water: from the point of your awareness or understanding of  yourself as a drop of water as well as your responsibility as that drop of water at that location point, you are then able to decide to remain right where you are (limited to the awareness of yourself, alone, by yourself, only as that drop of water) or you can decide to expand the awareness of yourself in connection with other drops of water to then live or express more of your potential as life.

How does a drop of water go from a limited expression of itself as being alone by itself, merely as a drop of water to expressing or living more of its potential as life  while still remaining as that location-point of itself as that drop of water? Simply by understanding itself equally as one with the other drops of water within and as the ocean in the sea of life; and then taking responsibility by responding as best it is able to respond (from its location point) to the ever changing requirements of  the environment to maintain the harmony and balance of the environment  - from a drop of water in an ocean to the sea of life as a whole.

And that is  (from a human’s perspective) basically how a drop of water expresses to its fullest potential as life - by taking responsibility for its environment from the small to the big and expressing as is best for all. What did you think? That the purification or cleansing processes carried out by water, through weather, rivers, ocean, etc., all happened by accident? Every point in existence, from the small to the big has an awareness or location-point that comes with responsibility. As one’s location-point/awareness expands so too will one’s responsibility expand in relation to the whole.

Which brings us to question; where am I as a human life form  and how am I able to live and express to my fullest potential? Where you are, as your location-point/awareness as a human being depends on where and how you decide to participate as a human being. As the term, human being or hu-man-being implies,  each of us is a being (sometimes called a spirit or lifeforce) within (and as) the body type of mankind. As such, you as a being come equipped not only with an physical body, but also a system of artificial intelligence called the mind. Accordingly, your location-point or awareness as the opportunity to live and express to your fullest potential as a human lifeform  depends on where you decide to participate the most; as either an AI "mind" of an organic robot or as a human "being" physically standing equally as one with your physical body and the physical environment.

To put this into better perspective, recall science fiction movies wherein spaceships have artificial intelligence with personalities that can totally control the operation of the spaceship or give back manual control to the captain as he or she requires. That is essentially how a human mind consciousness system also  functions. Your mind, as an AI system is  basically there to serve as your automatic pilot, which will control all aspects of your life (as your opportunity) unless and until you stand up as the captain or directive principle within your physical body and take back control, thereby giving yourself the opportunity to live and express to your fullest potential as a human lifeform. Accordingly, what you are as a human lifeform is what you give your attention to and participate in most. Be it as the artificial intelligence of programs that produce thoughts, feelings and emotions or as a physical-being standing determining which way to go and then physically moving yourself; you alone decide how you are going to live and express as the mind of an organic robot or as a physical being of mankind.

As for living and expressing to your fullest potential as life: this is essentially a step-by-step process of taking responsibility (as you are able) for yourself as your location point and everything that you are aware of as your environment - from the small to the big, depending on the extent of your awareness. After all, as each of us from the small to the big is in each moment equally as one creating our environments, the best that each of us is able to be is that which is best for all of the environment as a whole - which also happens to be each one’s greatest potential to live and express in each moment.

Thursday, January 3, 2019

Doing what I Care to do - Rather than what I think I Should Want to Do

I have noticed myself over the last year or so looking at the prospect of doing something, thinking that I ought to do it because I seem to like to do that kind of stuff, but then self-honestly thinking that it’s not really what I want to do and from that point, deciding not to do it. Mostly I notice this point come up in relation to patterns patterns involving certain relationships. For example, it seems that I always used to enjoy going into the countryside, hanging out with my friends and drinking beer. However, nowadays when I look at this point, it’s like there’s a feeling that says I ought to go visit my friend or friends, but there’s also me right here that looks honestly at the point and says no, that’s not what I want to do and I’m not doing what I don’t really want to do anymore just because I think that’s what should be wanting to do. It’s funny because, if I pull up the picture associated with me in the countryside drinking beer with my friend or friends, the definition attached to it is, “that’s fun.” But then when I expand that picture/moment from that present point going further into the past and future, I see that it’s not really as fun as I had defined it.

Strangely enough, I’ve also asked myself if I was being selfish for no longer being willing to put the sharing myself with others ahead of what I really want to do, which, during my free time is often just to be by myself or when possible, to stay at home with my partner. The reason I find this kind of behavior (for me) somewhat strange is because, for most of my life it seems that all I wanted to do was to move from wherever I was in order to go do something else or the same thing just as long as I kept moving. This may sound strange, but I don’t see this anymore as being selfish. It’s more like giving more of me to myself - if that makes any sense.

I’m fairly certain that this has a lot to do with my personal process, walking with Desteni, applying the tools of self-change and actually changing myself - definitely for the better I would say. The thing is, I also don’t feel as though I’ve had to give up anything at all (as I used to think I would) and in doing what I self-honestly choose to do, I’m actually having a lot more fun than I used to. For example, in practically living the words care and consideration in relation to those in my work environment (which I’ve focused a lot on over the last several years), I’ve expanded my self-expression in that area while also tapping into a  source of enjoyment that I hadn’t realized was available. I’ve found out or realized that I actually enjoy taking time to consider people, especially when it comes to what students are saying to me or asking of me. Additionally, by expanding my expression in this area, I think that I’ve also ended up fulfilling myself (with that expression) in such a way so as to no longer feel the need to search for it in another area.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Process Update: Jan 1, 2019

2018 was a year of applying corrections, walking my commitments, taking notice of where I was actually changing and where I still required more self-direction or more self determination. Overall, considering the added responsibilities or challenges with work, essentially just a different and busier schedule, I would say that I’m satisfied with my application. Yea, that’s the right word, satisfied. Because I sat quite a bit and did a lot more observing than participating. I guess I would say that 2018 was a year of walking cautiously for me. I focused lot on noticing energies, stopping and checking to see where I was living changes and where I was still falling back into the same old patterns.

The area in which I’d say I made the most progress is interestingly related to my work and working relationships. When I look at this point, almost as a picture of an overall aspect of me in relation to others, I see that, while I reduced my participation in some old types of relationships (going out to the countryside, sitting around drinking beer), I increased the focus or attention that I give to students as well as the effort I put into maintaining working relationships. Little things like applying and living the word, patience when at the end of class (when I want to go home), a bunch of students suddenly have a lot of questions for me. Instead of telling them to ask remind me next time, I would say the word patience to myself and let go of my hurry to be somewhere else. Change can be like giving and receiving,  wherein sometimes the giving is actually a giving-up of the old in order to make room for the new.

Where I’ve noticed that I still occasionally slipping is in letting little parts or bits of energetic definitions accumulate and amass over time to form like a glob of goo inside of me that (once it’s big enough) tends to latch onto any point, almost as though it’s looking for a way out via an emotional outburst wherever it can get out. It’s weird because in the course of a few days, I’ll be noticing emotions come up attached to points that I don’t consider to be very relevant. Then when looking at the accumulated energy ball, I would notice that it was a conglomeration of different points that I hadn’t addressed in the moments, but let slide. Reminder to myself! They don’t go away, but bide their time acquiring allies until big enough to make a push for the exit. So the little experiences is something that I’ve noticed I still have to watch for. As they say, the devil’s in the details. Instead of letting the little things slide, I require to be attentive to such points and direct them accordingly in real time moments.

Another point wherein I’ve noticed that I still require attention is in the area of backchat, gossiping or complaining. Although I have made tremendous progress in this area both internally and externally, I still catch myself back chatting and occasionally complaining. A though just came up, “but it’s so damn fun to complain.” Yea, like blaming, complaining, gossipping and so on, while it may seem fun at the time, the consequences associated with it are as equally not fun. For example several weeks ago,  when discussing a subject with someone, I ended up complaining about another person and as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I new it was too late. On the corrective side of that event, I did use my very next interaction with the person that I had complained about to apologize. So, having recognized my mistake and corrected it, I also remembered to pat myself on the back for pushing myself face my mistake honestly and deal with it.

Finally for this post, I feel as though I should say something about my view of reality. In addition to feeling as though a big part of me is still in stealth mode, like I’m here but I’m not fully understanding what I am or even where here is, I also feel similarly that there’s still a veil upon this reality - albeit one that’s lifting quickly. In spending an average of 3-5 hours per day scanning, reading and watching information via the internet, I feel more and more as though we’re like one of those planets depicted in Star Trek movies, wherein  the planet’s population toils away while invisible starships blaze around adhering to the prime directive of non-interference. And I want to say, isn’t it a little late for that?

Sunday, December 23, 2018

Continuing with the Word, Criticism

A while back I wrote about feeling as though I were being criticized for not doing enough. Specifically, I noticed that I had reacted to the point of criticism as though it were a personal attack against me or a threat to my survival. I’m still working on this point, exposing the design of the energies that have lead up to me becoming defensive when it comes to criticism. When I look back at this point of feeling threatened or attacked when facing points such as criticism, I’m able to bring up memories going back to adolescence years. However, the further back I attempt to look, more the lines between my memory of what really happened and my imagination of it begin to blur.

What’s the difference between my memory and my imagination? Perceptions and how they’re defined; six in one hand, half a dozen in the other, as my younger brother used to say. That might be a fun point to analyze, but in the end - as I see it, my memories have been tainted with energetic definitions or polarized words that have ended up defining how I became. This has been and still is the problem. So I guess the solution to changing who I am now is to locate all of the polarized definitions of words and redefine them into non-polarized definitions or living words.

In getting back to the point of criticism, it’s a point that I had  linked with the word, survival and energetically defined as threatening. Which means that in the past, whenever this word came up, I would end up feeling as though I were being threatened, as though someone were attacking me. In working with this point, opening it up and watching for it, I recently noticed myself thinking about someone exactly the way I had imagined someone was thinking about me. This confirmed to me the mirror effect of judgments projected onto others, i.e., that our judgments (of what we perceive to be of others) are actually our own self-judgments reflecting back to us through others as the mirrors of ourselves. All eyes are but mirrors of ourselves, meaning that I am of everyone else, as is everyone of everyone else the same as me, but in different locations or awarenesses that each one of us define as unique.

Equality and oneness is easy to imagine, but not so easy to understand or live, especially when attempting to do so while peering through the many frequencies by which we’ve each defined ourselves uniquely.  Therefore, what I require to do is redefine all of my polarized (energetic) definitions of words to words that I’m able to live in ways that are best for all. Here I’m reminded of the saying, don’t think of it as having to cross that gigantic mountain, but as requiring merely that I take the next step.

Saturday, December 1, 2018

Of the Questions I Ask

Of the questions I ask, none have eluded me (as answers) more than the question of change. What is real change, what am I really to be and become that I am not now nor have ever been that is really, really real self change? It’s the ultimate question within and as the purpose of  the personal process self-creation.

And just like that, for a moment, I once again find myself floating somewhere out there philosophising about the nature of process and, the quest for change as a question to ask and be answered by someone out there instead of grounding myself right here, becoming question, making the decision and manifesting myself as the answer to the question of my own process of self creation. So, did I answer my question? In applying the tools of self-creation, grounding myself in writing, self-forgiveness and commitments, for that moment, I guess I did.

However, when it comes to the question of what is real change on a personal level and how exactly should each one of us be changing, no one else but each one of us for ourselves is  able to correctly say that this is how you should be and this is what you must do to become that way. In some ways this  has been difficult for me to comprehend or accept. For a long time, I just wanted someone else to define for me my mission that I required to accomplish so that I would  have an idea or an image of what I needed to accomplish and how I should be and become. Alas, this isn’t the way of self-change or self-creation, For the process of self-change as a matter of self-creation (for it to be of self) must actually originate from self. With this in mind as well as body, I ask myself, how do I honestly want to be an become, i.e., what image do I have of myself in the future? WRONG QUESTION AGAIN!

Imagining how I want to be in the future is a mind consciousness system distraction trap of imagining how the future could be without actually doing what it takes to create or manifest that future right here and now in the present, the only time/space/moment opportunity each one of us will ever have to change ourselves and create (new) realities. Thus it is for me push myself to remain focused here and now on the present, that which I require do to change myself now to solidify and become that change forever more in the present moments to come.

Why has no one ever been able to provide me with a specific definition or the design of self change as a matter of self creation? Because no one is able to define for another what self change really is. Because for it to be of self, the change must really originate from self. Furthermore (and this is the scary or exciting part), because for the change to manifest as a matter of real self-creation, that which is manifested must also be that which is new, never having been of one’s location point or awareness before = the new as a matter of real self-creation.  Hence the necessity of self-will to push one’s self into the darkness, embracing it with the knowingness that as creators of our realities and existence as a whole, each one of us alone together create in each moment what is, will be and become.

In a sense, it seems like a risk and in the past I guess it was, due to our intentions being quite broad and almost undefined - there must be something more, now go out there and find it. Now, having found the more in the form of more suffering, more misery and greater inequality, it is clear that the more was actually an ever increasing number of the diminishing returns as a fraction of the whole/one. Funny, I keep wanting to explain to people that the largest number is actually One, but now I’m philosophising again, thinking how best to prove my hypothesis, so I’ll end this here with a recap.

In my view, aside providing the tools of how to change, no one is able to accurately tell me or you precisely how we should change to create ourselves anew. For, each point of creation (for it to be real self-creation) is unable to even be imagined, for at that particular location, each one’s point of awareness, the point of creation has yet to be manifested into existence. Thus it is, the importance of self-experimentation to see what works and what doesn’t, keeping the good while letting of the bad.