Day 103: Polarities, Freedom vs. Survival

I've written about shame, the place within/as me, us all that we dare not go, because to do so would mean giving up the illusion, having to face ourselves, and take responsibility with no strings attached. I realize that much of what I speak/write is still but ideas based in the illusion/mind/energy; this is my quest/journey to the truth of me. I know where my shame lies, and this is where I’m heading, layer by layer.

Currently, I’m focused on the polarity-layer I've defined as Survival vs. Freedom. The battle between these two concepts (survival having a negative charge, and freedom having a positive charge) has defined my entire life from the age of about 7. Survival of course means having money, which requires that I at times give-up that which I have defined as freedom, and enter into the system to work or play the money game. Why am I not free in the process of acquiring money? Because I’ve given positive definitions/energetic charges to my idea of freedom. Unfortunately, according to the law of polarity or balance, the experience of the positive (even in the illusion of/as mind) is defined by its polar opposite. In other words, that I’ve defined and participated within and as the experience of Freedom as a positive energy, requires that I also experience its equal opposite or negative energy. Thus, I’m left to also endure the negative – restriction/control/limitation. In short (as much as I have enjoyed teaching), because I had defined “not working” as a positive experience/freedom, I had tied myself to also experiencing the negative. If only I had known; if only I had understood. Yet, as I’ve always said, it's never too late to change.

I've written a basic mind construct on this topic and applied self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements to the point that, I've stopped participating in most of the energies associated with finding work and working, and I've stopped compromising myself, i.e., agreeing to do stuff for the sake of having a job and or avoiding conflict. Now, I'm going to write self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements directed at the polarities within and as which I’ve defined my space-time, so as to release the charges/definitions I’ve given to these two states of mind, so as to no longer participate in the roller-coaster ride of the world system/mind.

Self forgiveness based on Polarities

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define as positive, knowing that my schedule is flexible in the near future.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define having a flexible schedule or not being obligated to do something as “positive/freedom”, and within this not see, realize and understand that when I allowed the positive experience I was also committing myself to experience the negative as in – not being free/being obligated/having to go to work. Within this I see, realize and understand that true freedom is without polarity, not defined. I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to define myself, my space-time activities within and as polarities, and instead to walk/accomplish what I.m involved in, without judgment/definitions, so as to stop the roller-coaster ride.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define “having to go to work in the near future” as negative, thus subjecting myself to the experience of anxiousness/anxiety. I now see, realize and understand that by defining my Time as positive/negative, I tie myself to time and thus abdicate my responsibility to direct myself in/as the present/moment. Within this, I now see, realize and understand that to be responsible – self-directing me, is to be without polarities. When and as I find myself defining time or anything else within and as a polarity, I stop, breathe, let go of the energies, and direct myself to accomplish what I’m doing, stable, without energy.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define my experience on the morning of going to work, as a positive because there is no uncertainty/waiting/expecting a time to end/begin.

Day 102: Tracking down, Shame

I going to delve deeper into the meaning of the word, shame. Why, because, as the little boy said as he ran back into the house of the monster pig-headed man, “The party's just getting started and that's where the fun is!” He was right; the most fun always is – in a relative way, where the mind/system tells you not to go.

Shame, shame, shame: it's a shame I haven't, but for fleeting moments, allowed myself to go there, see, realize and understand Shame. Few on this earth have allowed themselves to go there, which is actually “here” because to understand shame, like truth, one must stand equal to all that is here, seeing/being as one, the shame of ourselves, the one truth (as there is and has always been only one) of our existence. I won't waste time speaking of “shame” in terms of religious/cultural/spiritual programming; instead I'll just get right to the point of what it is I fear about allowing myself to take responsibility for all that is here, and the shame that I am for allowing me and all as me to be as we are. Confused yet? It's just me as the mind, racing around, looking for a door to get us the hell out of here.

I have always known that in essence, I (and I would guess everyone else, too) have the ability to do anything. I have always (as far back as I could remember) known that we are all gods. For god's-sake, it's just simple logic: anything and everything that is created is created of and as it's creator, i.e., if you have to source the materials, then it's not your creation, but an ensemble of sorts. Programmed organic robots or not, we're still the ones that destroyed and built what is here, and therefore are responsible for what is here. And herein we lie shamed that after all this time, instead of adding value by planting seeds, enjoying the fruits, caring for earth, and then returning ourselves/our bodies to the dirt, we drill holes to suck it's blood dry, and even in-death refuse to give back anything, lying for one last time in lead-lined coffins, our fates forever sealed.

For me, shame is knowing that I am able to change Everything (again, simple mathematics – any point within and as the whole, that changes itself, changes the whole) Yet I choose to move so slowly that if I were able to see, I would see the turtles and snails waving as they pass me by. Some people hide in ignorance – hope, love and light, expecting that their holy wishes and prayers are somehow going to make things right, which of course they won't because if they were going to, they would already have, and clearly they haven't. I hide behind doubt and distrust, the fear of letting-down my so guard/facade, thinking that I’ll pretend I’m one of them, like a piece of the system that slowly bides its time, waiting for the moment to then spring forth and tear down the wall. Yet, to be that which I would be is to create me to be it. Thus, sooner or later I too must come out of the proverbial closet and stand and face all of me, the shame as what I/have accepted and allowed ourselves and this world to, so as to finally turn the tides of Time, to be and become more than was before. And so it has been, around and round I go with my words, a thousand words of re-arranged excuses just to get to one little point of understanding; and molecules and molecules to go... before I actually awake. Incomprehensible? You should have seen what it was like before I started righting my relationship to me, myself and I.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself/my responsibility to all that is here, and within this not stand and change what is here as me. I see, realize and understand that the fear is of losing my position in the system, that the system may retaliate against those who do not bow-down, worship, hope and pray. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being partially cast-out of the system: to lose everything is freedom, to lose just a little at a time is torture. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to let go of that which I value/fear is to return to me that which I have given up as value. In this I commit myself to stand and face the system, not from behind a mask, but as me, and walk through this evil that so many call life, so to reverse it to a way where no one need hide in fear - even from shame.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from shame as though it's something to be ashamed of which it is, yet lying in feigned ignorance will only prolong the pain. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is actually nothing to fear, not even fear itself. I see, realize and understand that fear of seeing what is here has kept me from seeing and changing what is here as me, and with this I commit myself to face this shame, not with fear, but the courage to explore and express me, not beholden to a system that is not based on what is best for all.
• I forgive that I have accepted and allowed myself to selectively forget so as to remain ignorant in the interests of mine. I see, realize and understand the memory of all that I am is here within and as me, and that I am able to open it up, explore it, forgive myself and change what is, so that I/we never never shame ourselves again. In this I commit myself to look and see all and everything of me, forgive myself for that which I have accepted and allowed in the name of self-interest, and stand for and as what is best for all.

Day 7: Self Intimacy

Desire, desire, desire: what is it I don't desire – that's what I “want” to write about, so as to keep the rest suppressed. But that won't assist me at all, so here are my desires: Women, sex, alcohol, fame and acclaim, a spaceship and the freedom to explore... Or how about just this one: I Desire to be Free of All Desires, free of the puppet strings – intimacy undefined, self-honesty all around, no more illusion and no more lies – the end of consciousness, the end of time, the beginning of Life, blah, blah, blah! That was two hours of writing anything and nothing at all. The problem is, I'm not ready to make public that which needs to be written and forgiven. So, I'm going to leave it here and do the rest of my writing on this topic, in private.

I now see that my problem has all along been simply, a lack of Self Intimacy. I’ve been thinking that I needed to be more intimate with another, when in actuality, the only intimacy I require right now is self intimacy.

• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to be intimate with another, and within this not see/realize and understand the desire to be intimate with another is the mind consciousness system's method of keeping preoccupied looking elsewhere so as to not see me – as in intimacy – “into me I see.”
• I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame/judge myself for not being able to initiate with another – even me, and within this not realize that to be intimate with another, I must first be intimate with myself.
• I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear self-intimacy because I have defined the word, self-intimacy as dirty and shameful, when in reality – it is simply, to look self-honestly into me, or “into me I see.”
• I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define intimacy with another, as the act of being together uninhibitedly, and within this not realize that to be uninhibited requires self intimacy.
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as desire for relationships, and within this not see/realize and understand that that desire is of the trap of the mind consciousness system, to keep me from looking at me.
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to imprint within and as me, desire as definitions, judgments, comparisons, reactions, pictures, sounds, memory moments, etc., and within this not see, realize and understand that that which I call, desire is but a program; it ain't me.
• I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live here within and as breath, free of the definitions as the strings of desire, so as to see, realize and understand that all I am one with is all that is here; and desire is of the trap that has served only to keep me from seeing that, and realizing me.

• I see/realize and understand that for me to be intimate with another, I must first be intimate with myself, and that this requires me to explore and understand every aspect of me = No Self-judgment.
• I see realize and understand that the desire that I have been projecting onto others, has served only to trap me into not seeing me.

I commit myself to no longer use desire as an excuse to seek and hide me in relationships.

I commit myself to self-intimacy, exploring all aspects of me, without self-judgment.

I commit myself to self-intimacy.