Processing the Illusion

This morning, I woke up with a stomachache and immediately I turned to thinking about what I have been preoccupied with these last couple of weeks, the act of deciding upon a new job, getting that job and relocating. Notice that the emphasis in on “the job.” I thought to myself, do I even really care that much what kind of teaching I'm doing, elementary school, high school, university? “Not really, as long as I'm making money.” And then suddenly it occurred to me (once again) that, I had been participating in fear, thoughts/illusions of wanting more, wanting the future now in the present without physically walking to and through it.

When I look at my process of stopping the illusions of mine/mind, I see this point of money – always considering it, checking to see if I have enough or need more so that in the future there will be enough – is the point wherein I sometimes slip back into the cyclical trap of self justified self-consumption  of subliminal fear defined as a desire to have more than I physically require. 

Here in the fear lies the bait and the catch. In thinking about money, strategizing how to get more so as to alleviate the fear, I/we re-source our physical bodies to produce the energy to light the thoughts of mind so as to perceive our ways through the mines and into the light of the idea of having more. Meanwhile in the physical world of reality, that which is often forgotten or ignored, what really matters is the physical matter.

In the physical – the world without – the same process takes place; we mine the resources of earth, animals and nature to transform substance/physicality into energy/light represented in the sea of humanity by currency of money. As within so without: the self perpetuating cycle of consuming ourselves within is manifested and reflected in world system without. 

Until we address and correct the flaws of the world system of fear wherein money is a need, a must have to survive, nothing for humanity is going to get better, but it may get worse as the body of resources run dry. And here is the catch-22 revolutionary trap: in order to correct the world without, we also require to correct ourselves within - wherein lies the fear of the without. 

What we often fail to realize however, is that the fear within ourselves of the world system without is the same fear that manifests in the without. Justifying and participating within the fear of what is physically out there, we end up perpetually creating the very monsters that we fear. The solution I now see is clear: face the fear within where it lies and let it go so to in awareness of here manifest a world without fear.

Herein, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough, and thus desire to have more. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of wanting more. I commit myself to stop participating in and as mind of thoughts of what I should do to have more, and to instead physically do what requires to be done, even if it's simply a matter of writing it out so to see desire for what it is, fear.

Day 7: Self Intimacy

Desire, desire, desire: what is it I don't desire – that's what I “want” to write about, so as to keep the rest suppressed. But that won't assist me at all, so here are my desires: Women, sex, alcohol, fame and acclaim, a spaceship and the freedom to explore... Or how about just this one: I Desire to be Free of All Desires, free of the puppet strings – intimacy undefined, self-honesty all around, no more illusion and no more lies – the end of consciousness, the end of time, the beginning of Life, blah, blah, blah! That was two hours of writing anything and nothing at all. The problem is, I'm not ready to make public that which needs to be written and forgiven. So, I'm going to leave it here and do the rest of my writing on this topic, in private.

I now see that my problem has all along been simply, a lack of Self Intimacy. I’ve been thinking that I needed to be more intimate with another, when in actuality, the only intimacy I require right now is self intimacy.

• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to be intimate with another, and within this not see/realize and understand the desire to be intimate with another is the mind consciousness system's method of keeping preoccupied looking elsewhere so as to not see me – as in intimacy – “into me I see.”
• I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame/judge myself for not being able to initiate with another – even me, and within this not realize that to be intimate with another, I must first be intimate with myself.
• I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear self-intimacy because I have defined the word, self-intimacy as dirty and shameful, when in reality – it is simply, to look self-honestly into me, or “into me I see.”
• I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define intimacy with another, as the act of being together uninhibitedly, and within this not realize that to be uninhibited requires self intimacy.
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as desire for relationships, and within this not see/realize and understand that that desire is of the trap of the mind consciousness system, to keep me from looking at me.
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to imprint within and as me, desire as definitions, judgments, comparisons, reactions, pictures, sounds, memory moments, etc., and within this not see, realize and understand that that which I call, desire is but a program; it ain't me.
• I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live here within and as breath, free of the definitions as the strings of desire, so as to see, realize and understand that all I am one with is all that is here; and desire is of the trap that has served only to keep me from seeing that, and realizing me.

• I see/realize and understand that for me to be intimate with another, I must first be intimate with myself, and that this requires me to explore and understand every aspect of me = No Self-judgment.
• I see realize and understand that the desire that I have been projecting onto others, has served only to trap me into not seeing me.

I commit myself to no longer use desire as an excuse to seek and hide me in relationships.

I commit myself to self-intimacy, exploring all aspects of me, without self-judgment.

I commit myself to self-intimacy.