Day 103: Polarities, Freedom vs. Survival

I've written about shame, the place within/as me, us all that we dare not go, because to do so would mean giving up the illusion, having to face ourselves, and take responsibility with no strings attached. I realize that much of what I speak/write is still but ideas based in the illusion/mind/energy; this is my quest/journey to the truth of me. I know where my shame lies, and this is where I’m heading, layer by layer.

Currently, I’m focused on the polarity-layer I've defined as Survival vs. Freedom. The battle between these two concepts (survival having a negative charge, and freedom having a positive charge) has defined my entire life from the age of about 7. Survival of course means having money, which requires that I at times give-up that which I have defined as freedom, and enter into the system to work or play the money game. Why am I not free in the process of acquiring money? Because I’ve given positive definitions/energetic charges to my idea of freedom. Unfortunately, according to the law of polarity or balance, the experience of the positive (even in the illusion of/as mind) is defined by its polar opposite. In other words, that I’ve defined and participated within and as the experience of Freedom as a positive energy, requires that I also experience its equal opposite or negative energy. Thus, I’m left to also endure the negative – restriction/control/limitation. In short (as much as I have enjoyed teaching), because I had defined “not working” as a positive experience/freedom, I had tied myself to also experiencing the negative. If only I had known; if only I had understood. Yet, as I’ve always said, it's never too late to change.

I've written a basic mind construct on this topic and applied self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements to the point that, I've stopped participating in most of the energies associated with finding work and working, and I've stopped compromising myself, i.e., agreeing to do stuff for the sake of having a job and or avoiding conflict. Now, I'm going to write self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements directed at the polarities within and as which I’ve defined my space-time, so as to release the charges/definitions I’ve given to these two states of mind, so as to no longer participate in the roller-coaster ride of the world system/mind.

Self forgiveness based on Polarities

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define as positive, knowing that my schedule is flexible in the near future.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define having a flexible schedule or not being obligated to do something as “positive/freedom”, and within this not see, realize and understand that when I allowed the positive experience I was also committing myself to experience the negative as in – not being free/being obligated/having to go to work. Within this I see, realize and understand that true freedom is without polarity, not defined. I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to define myself, my space-time activities within and as polarities, and instead to walk/accomplish what I.m involved in, without judgment/definitions, so as to stop the roller-coaster ride.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define “having to go to work in the near future” as negative, thus subjecting myself to the experience of anxiousness/anxiety. I now see, realize and understand that by defining my Time as positive/negative, I tie myself to time and thus abdicate my responsibility to direct myself in/as the present/moment. Within this, I now see, realize and understand that to be responsible – self-directing me, is to be without polarities. When and as I find myself defining time or anything else within and as a polarity, I stop, breathe, let go of the energies, and direct myself to accomplish what I’m doing, stable, without energy.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define my experience on the morning of going to work, as a positive because there is no uncertainty/waiting/expecting a time to end/begin.

Day 76: A forgotten piece of me

It's 10:40 pm (3 days before), and I just woke up after sleeping just an hour and a half. What's interesting is that I feel/felt that I’ve slept for about 6 hours. The same thing happened to me yesterday after an afternoon nap of about the same amount of time. And as with yesterday it was a deep sleep in which I dreamed clearly. Tonight's dream was about my dad and another side of me that I haven't often considered. In the dream I’m grown, my other brothers are there and my sisters are no where to be seen. My Dad suddenly shows up on the scene and has decided to be part of our lives. He (in the dream) is a rebel, crazy kind of guy – as though he's grown up in street fights and prison. My brothers are weary of him, yet within me there is an unwavering belief that I can help him, and that's what I’m going to do... When I awoke, it occurred to me that for much of my life I had always had this unwavering belief in myself that I could help anyone/everyone and perhaps subconsciously that (when I was 7 years old) I should have helped my father (and I did try), yet I wasn't successful and my mom still kicked him out of the house, only to be seen by me once or twice after that. Over the years, I still believed that if would come back home, I’d be able to help him. He was apparently a bit schizophrenic – believing that there were bases on the moon and cities under the earth, of all things. Still, through-out the years, I’d often call him and tell him he was welcome to come back – always believing that I’d be able to straighten him out. In looking at this belief/idea of mine that I could correct/cure others, I see that I’ve for most of my life believed unwaveringly just that. I remember traveling through-out Central America through much of the 1080's often seeing myself as having healing abilities. I would see sick people, offer my assistance, look at them, diagnose them, sometimes put my hands on their wounds, tell them what to do, and be on my way. I would pass by people that I saw as unhappy or sick, send them happy/healing energies, and continue walking on. I had long forgotten about this part of my life, yet when looking back now, if I had to say whether or not I had indeed helped/cured/assisted them, I’d say that I probably did; that's the way I saw things back then – energies were unlimited and could be channeled, so why not use them for good. And as I recall, that was my only rule for that – never send harm or negative energy. Funny how this one dream suddenly recalled a side of me that somehow faded away when I came to Taiwan in 1991 when I was about 27. What if I am able to assist all; what if we are all able to assist one another, yet we just don't see/realize this ability within / as us. I'm going to explore this forgotten side of me, and rekindle it, for regardless of whether anything actually went further than my mind (and through my words and actions, the minds of others), it was a side of me that was in a way and perhaps still is absolute/certain.

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my father leaving and me not being able to help him / convince my mom to let him stay. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in any way carry this guilt with me, as I see/realize and understand that I was not in control of the situation and certainly did not see the whole picture.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to let of and forget a side of me that was as I recall – pure in intent, and good... Within this I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to blame my wife for me changing myself to let go of a part of me, because of her pushing me to be more like a Taiwanese man, a businessman.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that nobody forced me to let go of a part of me. I was aware of it and I made a conscious decision put on a serious face and do business.
• I commit myself to allowing myself to once again care about others/all, and within this explore what it means to care for all equally – as I care for myself.
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Day 3: Interpretation of Words

I've realized that whenever I react to written and or spoken words, those reactions (regardless of whether they are positive or negative) are based on my interpretation of the words. And since my interpretations are based on my definitions, it is logical to conclude that my interpretations are not reliable = cannot be trusted, thus the need for universal agreement on the definitions of words: a project that is currently being undertaken here – The Living Word

Until then, the key for me to not misinterpret words is to not interpret them = do not apply definitions = let the words pass right through me = I remain here, stable, unmoved.

• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to interpret spoken and or written words, and within this, react to those words.

• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to apply my definitions to spoken and written words for which there is no agreement between me and the creator of those words, and within this not realize that, my interpretation and the creator's intended meaning, may be completely different.

• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use words to communicate with others, without considering whether my definitions are aligned with their definitions, and in doing so not see that (by not having agreement on our definitions), that which we are communicating is subject to interpretation or a breakdown in communication.

• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that when I react to words, I am in essence allowing myself to be played like a puppet – subject to the strings that I’ve attached as definitions to the words.

I see/realize and understand that the root cause of my reactions to words are the definitions that I’ve given to those words, in separation of who I am as life within and as oneness and equality = the living word. See: http://desteni.org/a/questions-and-perspectives-what-is-the-living-word . I also realize that, when conversing with others with whom there is no agreement on the definitions of our words, there is the likelihood of disagreement (even when the points we are each trying to convey may be exactly the same), leading to a breakdown in communication. My reactions to words are an indication as to where I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in definitions.

Thus:

I commit myself to investigate my reactions to words, so as to see where it is that I have defined/limited self, and to (through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application) direct me to no longer allow myself to be moved/limited by definitions.

I commit myself to (when conversing with others) take the time to establish agreement on the definitions of the words that form the basis of our discussion point/topic.

I commit myself to when reading or listening to words, not allow myself to participate within judgments, beliefs, opinions, etc., pertaining to the creator of those words, but instead, hear and or see the words, without prejudice.