I tell you a
secret that I am revealing about myself. I appear to have been existing in fear
for as long as I can remember. Although, I guess there was a time when I
experienced no fear, that time, the time of innocence is but a knowing for which I have no words or pictures.
The reason I am beginning to realize this about myself now, is because I have been exploring personality points that I have been projecting as
“fearlessness” onto my reality. Whereas, I began this part of my experiment by questioning
how I have come to be so brave and courageous, always willing to stand alone, I
have now begun to realize that, these definitions of myself were no more than projections
of personality suits rooted within and as points of fear.
For example,
I have always assumed that I preferred to be alone most of the time, because
that is how I remember myself being almost all of the time it seems. Often, I would say to
myself, that I enjoy my own company and it is safer this way. I would even have
conversations, witty ones at that, with others inside of my head, each one
questioning, quizzing and testing the main character I called myself. I enjoyed
these times because I felt safer this way, entertained and secured in the bubble
of my perceived, mental reality.
In my world,
I was the undefeatable king of strategy, who could see through everyone else’s
deception. I would look at how a person smiled, smirked or frowned and how each
one spoke when they looked at me. Immediately, I would decide what sort of risk
or opportunity each person represented to me and based upon that, I would decide
the extent of my relations with him or her, i.e., which personality suits to
wear. It's funny because, in one sense, I would still say that, a part of me
has always been and still is courageous or fearless. Yet, with all of the disguises
I have been putting on, it has been difficult to see what is real and/or who
the real me really is, lol. In terms of
the personality suits I have been putting on and/or portraying to others, I
guess, at a certain level, I have always known that these faces were not the
real me. Nevertheless, I would still put them on as a protection mechanism each
time I walked out of my home or safety zone to face the outside world. Certainly, I would have questioned, why I couldn't just be myself. I am sure I did, but I guess I was too frightened to let go of the fear to do anything about it.
Then, one
day (as part of a process I have been walking), I began to wonder what it would
be like to walk outside and interact without my personality masks. Slowly and
cautiously, I have been experimenting, walking by people and even interacting
with them more honestly, more closely aligned to what is really going on inside
of me – at least the points of which I am aware. For example, yesterday, while at the
grocery-store counter, paying for my stuff, I observed the face I was wearing
and then my awareness of what was going on inside of me. The face I was
projecting was of confidence and stability; however, on the inside, I was timid,
shy and uncertain. Thus, as part of my experiment, I let go of the projection and
allowed a more honest version of me to come through.
My lips dropped
down, assuredness to a frown, almost like a state of sadness, and I noticed a
slight twitching, like a nervousness shivering in parts of my body, mostly around
the frown. I wondered what the woman behind the counter was thinking of me
being like this. Strangely, I did not notice any visible changes in her in
relation to me. Moreover, I experienced a sense of curious relief, if only for
a moment, like an old soldier who had finally decided to put his weapons down.
Outside of
the store, as I walked down the street, I continued my experiment of observing my
internal reality come through into and as part of my physical reality. Fear,
fear, fear along with a point of overriding curiosity was my self-honesty of
which I am aware. I guess this is a starting point from which to continue changing me to let go of fear.
