Lowering my Defenses

I tell you a secret that I am revealing about myself. I appear to have been existing in fear for as long as I can remember. Although, I guess there was a time when I experienced no fear, that time, the time of innocence is but a knowing for which I have no words or pictures. 

The reason I am beginning to realize this about myself now, is because I have been exploring personality points that I have been projecting as “fearlessness” onto my reality. Whereas, I began this part of my experiment by questioning how I have come to be so brave and courageous, always willing to stand alone, I have now begun to realize that, these definitions of myself were no more than projections of personality suits rooted within and as points of fear.

For example, I have always assumed that I preferred to be alone most of the time, because that is how I remember myself being almost all of the time it seems. Often, I would say to myself, that I enjoy my own company and it is safer this way. I would even have conversations, witty ones at that, with others inside of my head, each one questioning, quizzing and testing the main character I called myself. I enjoyed these times because I felt safer this way, entertained and secured in the bubble of my perceived, mental reality.

In my world, I was the undefeatable king of strategy, who could see through everyone else’s deception. I would look at how a person smiled, smirked or frowned and how each one spoke when they looked at me. Immediately, I would decide what sort of risk or opportunity each person represented to me and based upon that, I would decide the extent of my relations with him or her, i.e., which personality suits to wear. It's funny because, in one sense, I would still say that, a part of me has always been and still is courageous or fearless. Yet, with all of the disguises I have been putting on, it has been difficult to see what is real and/or who the real me really is, lol.  In terms of the personality suits I have been putting on and/or portraying to others, I guess, at a certain level, I have always known that these faces were not the real me. Nevertheless, I would still put them on as a protection mechanism each time I walked out of my home or safety zone to face the outside world. Certainly, I would have questioned, why I couldn't just be myself. I am sure I did, but I guess I was too frightened to let go of the fear to do anything about it.

Then, one day (as part of a process I have been walking), I began to wonder what it would be like to walk outside and interact without my personality masks. Slowly and cautiously, I have been experimenting, walking by people and even interacting with them more honestly, more closely aligned to what is really going on inside of me – at least the points of which I am aware. For example, yesterday, while at the grocery-store counter, paying for my stuff, I observed the face I was wearing and then my awareness of what was going on inside of me. The face I was projecting was of confidence and stability; however, on the inside, I was timid, shy and uncertain. Thus, as part of my experiment, I let go of the projection and allowed a more honest version of me to come through.

My lips dropped down, assuredness to a frown, almost like a state of sadness, and I noticed a slight twitching, like a nervousness shivering in parts of my body, mostly around the frown. I wondered what the woman behind the counter was thinking of me being like this. Strangely, I did not notice any visible changes in her in relation to me. Moreover, I experienced a sense of curious relief, if only for a moment, like an old soldier who had finally decided to put his weapons down.

Outside of the store, as I walked down the street, I continued my experiment of observing my internal reality come through into and as part of my physical reality.   Fear, fear, fear along with a point of overriding curiosity was my self-honesty of which I am aware. I guess this is a starting point from which to continue changing me to let go of fear.