Yesterday afternoon I went into
reaction mode; not as intensely as I may have in the past, yet still
in reaction. It turns out that the really cool job I started working
at is only paying about seventy-five percent of what I had
interpreted we had agreed upon. This goes back to what I wrote about
a month ago about clearly seeing the intentions behind one's words
and actions. So although this (reduced amount of pay) caught me a bit
off guard, it was (subtracting a miscalculation on the employer's
part) within the realm of worst case scenario that I had factored in
as a possibility – given that I haven't signed a contract. What is
it with me and employers these days, it's me. Even with the reduced
pay I’m still OK working there because I enjoy working there.
However, the reality is that there is zero job security there; so
I’ll continue for now working there as such – day to day. As it
now stands, I'm only being paid for the minutes that I am in the
classroom-teaching. In other words they are not paying me for the ten
minute breaks between classes. OK, yet I’ve also been informed that
I’m expected to make four different mid-term and mid-term practice
exams, which I agreed to do when I thought I was being paid per hour
that I was at the school – as opposed to the just the time that I'm
in the classroom. Am I expected to write those exams on my own time –
probably about 12-15 hours of work? The reactions included thoughts
like, “This guy knows exactly what he's doing and he has been
deceptive”; “He is trying to cheat me”; “Where am I able to
retaliate?” In comparison to what the reactions would have been or
probably were a year or two ago, I’d say today's level was reduced
by about a half – yet only because I focused on breathing and
stopping the nasty thoughts – for which I was only partially
successful. It's like there is still this nasty being (of fear)
within me that tries to come out in times that something doesn't go
my way in regards to a two-way situation, and it's still not
enjoyable at all. What I still have to understand is that it isn't
about meanings or intentions; it's about the consequences as in are
they acceptable or that which is best for all involved. Hell, in
today's climate of money/greed related suffering I’m still thankful
to have opportunities to work. In capitalism, one's worth to a
business is no more than the least amount of money that he or she can
be replaced by, factoring in of-course other related subjective
costs; thus leaving me with fifty-fifty odds that I will have a job
on Monday, kind of like a quantum job – maybe it's there yet I
won't know for certain until I physically verify it by making it so.
As for the reactions; they are the same
that I’ve been dealing with off and on for a long time, not as
strong as they used to be, but only because I just didn't allow the
monster out of the cage. I fear that I’m not in control anymore.
The management style at this school is hands-on top-down, yet without
so many decision makers in between. I would say that the school is
well managed in that the students appear learn the material, feel
safe and appear to enjoy themselves. Additionally I do not feel as
though I am irreplaceable. To a large extent there doesn't seem to be
very much expected of the foreign teachers. My case may be a bit
different because I'm teaching a new program of Math and Science and
the position I'm in requires that I either hold a teaching
certificate or a marriage resident-visa. Putting myself in a
management perspective it's simply a question of spending a little
extra money to keep me (which isn't as much as I thought it was), or
saving money and giving more work to the other teachers, perhaps
operating without a reserve. If it were me I would pay the extra
money to have the reserve and the experienced teacher. Yet as I have
no contract and I’m not the one making the decisions at the top,
thus I don't feel in control of my position there. It's all about
personalities, yet I’m still not clear how to affectingly eliminate
them. So for now I’ll just continue picking at fragments, breaking
down the personalty. As I haven’t yet gotten through all the
components of a personality, I’m for now just going to focus on the
starting point of all the components, Fear.
Self-forgiveness pertaining to Fear of
not being in control
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to upon noticing that there was a
problem with my pay, react by going into the mind in spite and
blame, searching for deception in another, and within this not
see/realize and understand in that moment that what I was in fact
perceiving was all me. I now see/realize and understand that within
me as the mind I have always looked outward for cause, instead of
looking inward for responsibility. I commit myself to (as
consciousness) stop looking outward for cause and in this I reverse
my seeing in word and deed, unto me – as in I take responsibility
for “all” as me. I as hereby reverse my outward-view of “all”
as cause, to an inner/outer understanding of me as cause – now
responsible for all.
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to carry on internal conversations
regarding another and the possibility that he is trying to cheat me.
I now (within seeing inward) see/realize and understand that only I
can cheat me by not taking responsibility for me and all as me.
Within this I understand that I am the cause and affect/consequences
as in that which accept and allow of me and all as me. I hereby
reaffirm my the principles by which I have committed to walk this
process to life/living in the physical: self-honesty in alignment of
thought, word and deed so that my relationships with others/all are
free of deception.
I forgive myself that I have not
accepted and allowed myself to stop, breathe, and patiently await
more information, as I see/realize and understand that mistakes
happen, and until I have all the information it is useless and
harmful for me to use/feed the mind in search of answers. Thus, I
commit myself to not accept and allow myself to participate anymore
in the backchat or the if this then that character as I see/realize
and understand that if I accept and allow myself to participate I
have fallen into a mind trap of energy consumption – harming me as
physicality.
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to not simply remain here within and as
breath in the understanding that whatever the result I remain and I
self-honestly walk. In this I commit myself to be self-honest in
this and all situations, and to solving this situation and all other
situations in a manner that is best/fair for all participants.
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to in calculating the possible
scenarios, hope for the one that I deemed to be the best. Within
this I see/realize and understand that hope is like the last mistake
a dying human being ever makes. Thus I commit myself to stop the
hoping for good intentions and or that things will go my way, and in
this I commit myself to remain true to the principles for which I am
committed to stand as and walk with – solutions that are best for
all partied involved.
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to judge another as knowing exactly what
he was doing in being deceptive and trying to cheat me. Within this
I see/realize and understand that there are two sides of every
agreement/argument, and the only side that I have control of and
over is my side. Thus I commit myself to stop judging the other
side, as I realize that judgments of another are self-judgments.
Instead I will focus only on what is physically here, planting
myself on the ground.
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to fear not being in control of my
work/income and that in this I reacted by projecting blame onto
another and back-chatting about possible means of regaining the
feeling of being in control – how I could extract revenge so as to
say, “this is what happens when you take my control away form me.”
Within this I see/realize and understand that nobody is able to play
games with me unless I agree to participate in such games, and
through this I realize and accept my responsibility in allowing
these games to be played. Thus, I hereby stop my participation in
the game of deception as in withholding and or not asking for
information so as to keep my options open. Specifically, from
here on out I as an employee will express myself clearly and not
accept and allow anything less from an employer; let the stones fall
where they fall, I will myself know exactly where I stand.
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the feeling
(defined as being irreplaceable) of being in control of my work
situation, and within this I see/realize and understand that I had
defined myself in relation to that which is separate from me and
thus given-up control of my situation to that which I have no
control over. Within this I commit myself to let go of my perception
that I am in control of my surroundings, and to walk in self-honesty
/ honesty with others as I see/realize and understand that I may
only control my self direction – who I am in each moment, thus
here and now is the place to always direct myself to stand.
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to believe that factors beyond my
control, control me and within this I see/realize and understand
that it's not about control, it's about self direction – who I am
in every moment, thus I reaffirm my commitment to direct me in all
situations to a solution that is equally best for all participants.
Within this I realize and accept that giving as I would receive is
an essential component of equality-based life.
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to participate within back-chatting
about extracting revenge, and within this I see/realize and
understand that the fear – back-chatting that someone is trying
to cheat me, looking for means of revenge, justifying my position,
etc., are of a personality of consciousness within/as me that I have
accepted and allowed to move me: blaming and spiting yet never
taking responsibility, ever searching for more/energy for only
itself. Thus I commit myself to as Life, the mind and the physical,
energy and substance take responsibility for my actions that I have
accepted and allowed within and as me, and stop / not allow myself
to participate within and as the starting point of fear, as I now
clearly see/realize and understand that the key to living/life is in
letting go of fear.
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