Waking up with a low Heart Rate

Once again, I begin with a dream, which wasn’t  really a dream in the classical sense wherein I found  myself in a sleep state interacting with different characters and/or programs in different dimensions myself, but one wherein I suddenly found myself aware of myself in my physical body, as the physical body covered with blankets and something else intent upon getting my attention and waking me up.

As I lay there aware of myself inside of my body surrounded by blankets, yet unable to physically move, like I was paralyzed, something that I perceive or imagined to be a cat on the outside of the blanket startled me with a bite to my big toe. Immediately, I tried to wake up, but I couldn’t move. Then the same thing happened to one of my fingers on my left hand and I began struggling even harder, attempting to yell and scream in order to wake up, but still I couldn’t move. And although I was perceiving myself as making noises, I got the feeling that I wasn’t really getting through to the physical reality out there. Finally I decided to breathe: one, two, three, wake up, I said to myself and then I was awake.

As soon as I awoke, the first thing I noticed was that my heart rate was very slow. I guessed that my blood pressure was also very low and I really felt like just falling back to sleep again, but I didn’t dare. So instead I just focused on my breathing, which I often do when I wake up in the middle of the night - rather than allowing my mind to race like I used to do. After a while, I did go back to sleep, but not before removing most of the blankets so that I wouldn’t get too comfortable.

In the morning, after I got out of bed, walked around for a while and drank come coffee, I used one of those machines to check my blood pressure and heart rate. While my blood pressure was 105 over 60, my heart rate was still only 46 beats per minute. Now, after being up for an hour, writing and drinking coffee,  it’s still only 124 over 74 with a heart rate of 48 beats per minute. This does seem kind of slow. However, this could also be the result of eating better, exercising and reducing my alcohol intake by about ninety-nine percent over the last 7-9 months.

Now for the main reason or question I have in deciding to write this out: once again I ask, who am I in all of this and why is it that one part of me has to communicate with another part of me - shouldn’t it be one “I” of understanding and moving as one? Literally when I finally woke up and was able to move, I embraced my physical body and said, “good work, thanks for waking me up.”

I guess in communicating with my physical body (of my physical body communicating with me),  I’m bridging the separation gap and the parts of me are coming closer together. Something to as part of my journey. And now I’m going to begin preparing for next semester’s classes.

In between point A and B in the Process of Change

April of 2019 has been an interesting month for me. Generally I write and post at least one blog per week; however, even though it’s almost the end of the month and I’ve titled almost 8 blogs already this month, I’ve yet to post a single one, why? In looking at this point, the main reason or cause that comes up is authority or lack thereof. I’m currently walking through a point of change, kind of like between the end of a time, era, epoch of whatever the hell one decides to call it and the beginning something different that has yet to manifest and solidify as the result of constancy and consistency. As for the details relating to this point, mostly it has to do with life and living. 

Essentially, I’m pushing through lifestyle changes. For example, whereas I used to consume a lot of alcohol each week while also exercising just a little, I have been (over the last ten years) slowly reducing the amount of alcohol I consume while also increasing the amount of exercise I do - the goal being to live naturally in all ways that are “physically” best for parts of me as a whole.

However, if there’s one of things I’ve learned in my process walking with Desteni it is not to attempt to fight or oppose the mind - my mind or anyone else’s. That would be like shadow boxing and believe it or not, no one ever wins by trying to outwit themselves or another. Instead, I’ve found what works best for me is to focus on the point of change, letting go of the old while also introducing and strengthening the new with change that supports all aspects of me. For example, in reducing my consumption of alcohol over the years, one of the difficulties that I’ve often encountered was figuring out what to do with all that free time that I used fill with mind energies created or caused by the chemical reactions of alcohol/sugars and the molecules of my physical body. And it’s not that one can just fill in that time with any activity or non-activity and be done with it or changed. It’s got to be something (even if it’s doing nothing at all) that is agreeable to all parts of me so as to prevent conflicts of interests arising within me.

For me (to put it simply), it’s like there are three parties, the mind, being and the physical within and as the human-being of mankind for and as which my goal is to stand equally as one unconditionally as what is best for all. The mind, being and the physical body: this is the trinity or three I guess from which all of the legends, myths and stories arose. And like the stories of old… Well, let’s just say it’s probably best to avoid the wrath or consequences of neglect from any parts of me. Therefore when it comes to change, I’m learning to care for and consider all parts of me equally. Because as the whole body, each one/part in my view have what I would call a certain amount of veto power, which if nothing else can lead to hell on earth, which. Regardless of the direction one look, from the within to the without or the without to the within, a lack of consideration, care and compassion for all equally as one will always lead to consequence rather than harmony.

Thus when it comes my goal of living in ways that are physically best for me, letting go of the old ways and replacing them with the new, it is important for me to  fulfill myself as a whole in consideration of what I apparently still am as a mind being and body. With this intention, after much investigation and experimentation I’ve arrived at what appears to be a solution to fulfill all aspects of me. Specifically, all parts of me actually quite enjoy physical exercise, walking, swimming and believe it or not, even yoga. Furthermore, when it comes to that craving a beer or a glass of wine (similar to a sugar craving), natural drinks with natural sugar, such as fruit smoothies are quite satisfying and supportive to all parts of me.

So there it is for me, a process of change from point A to point B, not quite an authority, but somewhere in between in the process of change.

Pushing Through the Timelines

Sometimes when I’m swimming, I think to myself, maybe I’ll just do a little less today or maybe I’ll just get out of the pool right now because it’s so crowded. But then I consider: what if I applied this standard to other things I do, like walking my personal process, preparing for next semester, answering and sending out emails, etc., where would I be then? So I swim through the half hour that I’ve allocated for exercise and physical expression within the water because I realize that in order to actually see this life and my process through the way I care to, I've gotta push through everything I set out to do.

While last summer was excruciatingly challenging for me from a mental or energetic standpoint, this summer has been more work oriented, yet also not without  the challenges of letting go the energetic perceptions, namely the ones in relation to ongoing legal disputes and disagreements within the community where I spend my winter and summer vacations. However, when it comes to disputes,  I’ve now realized that I've always had the ability to from my point of view or standpoint eliminate or prevent all disputes within and as myself in an equitable, fair way based on the principles of equality, oneness and what is best for all, which is also always going to be what's best for me.

It's still something I'm learning how do, pushing myself to understand and see this point through so as not to repeat my mistakes of the past. For example, last year, for numerous reasons (including those of extreme energetic reaction that I had participated in last year), I decided to walk the timeline of my community dispute in consideration of just two paths (one focused on myself and the other my partner) instead of the one path that would have been best for all. Why, because I didn't expand my view to enough to see that there was another way for me to walk through these points for myself without having to hit the bottom so to speak before I was willing to exert the will power to stand up.

As a result or consequence, whereas I used to love living in this house overlooking trees and the park, there came a time where I just started hating it because I blamed the house and its location for my emotional reactions. Thankfully, one year later, after huge amounts of self-introspection and self forgiveness, I’ve begun once again to enjoy being here, yet not as an experience, but more as just another place that I call home.

As for the second path that I spoke of, it concerns walking through the legal system with my partner, who because of this has been studying law (massively) and now plans to perhaps one day take it up as another professional career. It seems that, almost every week, we get a certified letter from the courts that she has to respond to with legal writing and documents. I don’t enjoy having these letters come to our home, yet I do accept that it’s part of the legal system that she's in the process of learning and that we've both agreed to walk through.

As a result, in relation to the legal system there is now a pending enforcement action ordered by the courts against us. Specifically, since we still refuse to do it, the courts are planning to come and tear off our irreplaceable japaneses tiled roof and replace it with basically the cheapest tiles on the market - which is one of the many reasons I disagreed with changing our roof in the first place. I always used to wonder what it would be like to one house that refused to sell to the developers. Now, I kind of have a feeling for that. Anyway, in terms of walking through the legal system, I agree with the saying, it ain’t over till it’s over.

Interestingly, when this was all beginning, I looked at the timelines in relation to the legal system and the ongoing dispute within the community and I saw much of it quite clearly, just as it’s playing out now. I considered the hardships that my partner would have to endure and I thought to myself, she's strong and she'll come out of it stronger. However, what I didn’t see, was the personal process or hardships that I would have to walk through. Perhaps, that’s because the timeline points in relation to my personal process had yet to be written, which is kind of what I’m now still in the process of doing. Furthermore, in looking back at my standing, the path that I chose, albeit the most painful was I guess the best path for me to take based on my condition at that time. Meaning, sometimes a jolt of reality based consequence is the most supportive medicine even though it may not seem that way at the time.

Oh, and in terms of the walking the legal system, I have come to realize that it really isn’t about winning or losing cases, but about how we stand in walking through the system. In other words, although I really would appreciate not have my roof torn off our home and replaced by the government, what’s more important for me is the learning process that my partner and I are going through and how we stand and see it through. Thus, we are a work in progress, progressing through the processes of learning how to stand within a community system and the legal system while changing ourselves so as not to be moved by any system.

Altogether, along with more employment work responsibilities than I’ve ever had to do in a summer, I’ve also got loads of legal considerations and this is where pushing through the timelines come into the picture. The way I see it is, once you create a new timeline or buy into one that’s already been laid out, you’ve gotta take advantage of every opportunity to change yourself for the better and see all points through to the end, least you miss the some points and end up having to redo part of the timeline again. For me this means pushing through to change myself at every opportunity on a personal level while also utilizing the system to its full extent. The key here that I've been steadily building on is the practice of redefining and living words. For example, whenever I notice energy movements within me, defined perhaps as victimized to defiance, I replace that space within me with the words humbly determined - defined as the way I commit to relate to others within the community while also remaining determined utilize the legal system to address my concerns in relation to the functioning of the community.

Finally, a friend of mine recently said, “I couldn’t stand it, I would just pay the money and have it done.” I’ve considered that a lot. However, I also consider this. If I just paid the money to have this done with on this occasion, would I not be just as likely to rely on throwing money at the next problem that arises? Maybe and maybe not. Either way, as I’ve chosen my path, I’m going to see it through while taking advantage of every opportunity to change myself to living words.