As the Years go By

  

As the years go by and another year turns, I find myself once again looking at my life, where I am, what I’m doing and everything else I guess that comes with getting older I guess. On October 28th, I’ll be 57 and while I don’t feel as though I’m physically getting any older, I notice the space inside of me that I have yet to fill or fulfill. In other words, while I’ve been clearing out the clutter, reorganizing and essentially freeing up space inside of me, my physical body, I haven’t necessarily been putting that space to use by fulfilling myself with new self-expression. Rather than being an energetic experience or emotion of emptiness, I sometimes just feel empty, and I wonder about this. I wonder quite often, if there is something more or different that I should be doing.

 Writing self-forgiveness is like the golden key to exposing problems and seeing solutions. So let’s see what I come up with.

 

●      I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to move or go somewhere else in order fulfil an answered space within and as myself, as though that space is something that must be filled by physically moving to a different location and doing something different rather than seeing/realizing that space inside of me as being a space of opportunity for me to fill with self-expression by redefining and living words  —  ones that I perhaps never even imagined I could live — as a matter of self-creation. After all, what’s the sense of freeing up this space if I’m not going to do anything with it?

 So that’s the solution; it’s easy enough to get to without having to write out hundreds of different angles of this to get to it — as I used to have to.

 The thing is, aside from planting fruits and vegetables and tending to things, I honestly feel neither the need nor the desire to explore the world out there, not even the stars. Although I’m sure there are some that I would like to visit —  and I plan to. For now, it would be nice to have a clearer idea of how I’m going to utilize the space inside of me.

 And it’s not just about empty space. In de-energizing memories, clearing out the clutter and reorganizing my mind consciousness system (which used to take up an excessive amount of resources), I am now also way, way smarter than I used to be —  even though I do find it necessary to remain present in order to remain aware of what I’m doing and have a present memory of it, strangely enough.

 Actually, I already decided what I’m going to do in terms of this point. I just wanted to understand it a little better, the point of writing this out, dare I say again. Essentially, I’m going to continue walking my personal process of self-change/self-creation, while participating in things where I see I am able to make a difference for the better and I am also going to note how things play out in the world. We’re in a time right now I guess, wherein everything for the near term has already been set into motion; and now I guess it’s a matter of seeing how things turn out, where the train goes and where it stops.