Uncertainty in Wondering

I have since childhood wanted nothing more than the system to collapse as a means for ending/eliminating the world we live in. I believed I was a prisoner here against my will and that; the only way to escape was for the world to end. Even in the aftermath, as I remember of my dreams, I would awake to the hope that, one day the world would end and I would be free. Chaos of a world without rules and nothing to consider except my own survival was what I hoped for, secretly of course.

Then in 2008 or 2009, I began to push myself to move in a direction that I logically figure was a better path for me because, mathematically, I figured it was best for all. The path I am speaking of is one, of self-change in consideration of the principles of oneness and equality with what is best for all. It is not even “a figuring,” but a simple certainty that, if enough of us change ourselves to stand as what is best for all, in relation to one another,  we are going to begin changing the world in the direction of what is best for all. From this point, I realized that, there was no need for the world to be destroyed or for us to destroy it. All we, as humanity require to do is change ourselves to live in relation to one another, as we would have all live in relation to ourselves and this is my goal.

Sometimes I wonder and I think about things and that’s when things start to get a little confusing, lol. I think I see big changes for the better, happening in the world, but I am not certain of anything except the point of me sitting here and typing.

Self-forgiveness

·         I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that the world be transformed into a world of chaos; a place I believed that I would thrive.

·         I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define freedom as a state, wherein the only point to consider was how to survive.

·         I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself not to see, realize and understand that, as survival is basically the name of the game in and as the world today, adding the point of chaos within the considerations of how best to survive would not set anyone free.

·         I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to desire for the world system to collapse so that no one would have to be subject to it, and from this point not realize that, as long as I/we are part of reality, we are subject to the consequences of what we create. Herein, the best I am able to do is stand and respond, as best I am able, the point of self respons-ability.

·         I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the world system for my experience of being imprisoned by it and tired of attempting to change it, instead of realizing that I had imprisoned myself through my perceptions of limitation based on definitions that I have attached to myself in relation to the world system of humanity. Herein, I bring the point of responsibility back to myself, so to continue addressing and correcting me as best I am able.

·         I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to (even after I made commitments to participate in changing the world for the better) still harbor anger and resentment that I projected onto ideas, such as law, money, the police, the military, the education system, banks, corporations, government and so on that I believed had some control over me. I now see, realize and begin to understand that, the control I perceived to be held by others over me came as a consequences of attempting to separate myself as responsibility from what is here as me.

·         I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the better parts of me are somehow separate from the bad of reality; therein, trapping myself in a prison of belief of my inability to change what is separate from me – when in reality, I am not separate from anything.