Spring cleaning, Chinese New Year, the
Festival of Spring: cleaning the house, doing things that require to
be done every so often, and just relaxing a bit. Spring Festival is a
time to visit family, clean the house... Really, it's just
like any other holiday, corrupted by consumerism; a time to renew
Ties that a Bind friends and family ,spend money, waste food, gamble,
drink, give money to children and elders – what a contrast. There
are aspects of this holiday that I have in the past enjoyed –
camping at various hot springs, visiting people way up in the
mountains, and the extra friendliness of the people in general. I'm
writing about this because many of the behavioral changes that I’ve
been walking through for some time now, suddenly seem threatened by (of all things), my imagination. In other words, whereas I used to
interact with many, these days I don't, and to be honest, I enjoy me
this way. Whereas I would turn down invitations to visit people
during other times of the year, to do so during these holidays would be – in
terms of tradition, impolite and bad luck for the one doing the
inviting. Herein my imagination keeps coming up: how will I be with
these people if I am not the old me? Will I still be liked if I don't
make it my mission to see to it that everyone is having fun? Like I
said, it's my imagination, unreliable memories of the past, displayed
as a possible future... I guess I’ll just walk through an see; I’ll
not plan who I’ll be, nor imagine what they'll think of me; I’ll
simply direct myself in the moment.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the future is going to be like the past, and within this, fear the future, wanting instead just to remain here where I am, locked away in my safe house. Within this, I see, realize and understand that the future is what I make it – as long as I direct myself within and as what is physically here in the present. When and as I find myself at the point of thinking/back-chatting/imaging about the future, I stop, breathe, and walk it through here in the physical – like going for a test drive.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I participate in parties where everyone is partying and apparently having fun, that I will revert back to my old partying ways. Herein I see, realize and understand that there is not positive/negative, just me as that which I accept/allow or as the self-directive principle. I commit myself to self-directive/self-honest/responsible.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my writing must be written for others to read, and within this judged my writings and thus judged myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all my writings is for me to understand me, and perhaps one day for others to see where I am at this point. Herein I commit myself to stop judging myself as though I have nothing to say, and instead just write what comes out – for me and anyone else who might care to read.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that changing me is a long-term process that takes time, and in this it is not important where I am in my journey, but that I am still walking it.
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