There are (as I stated in my last post)
some more “little things” that I have addressed before, yet still
occasionally come up – as questions. Earlier this week, on two
different occasions two little children – first graders tried to
hug me, or I guess I could say did give me a hug. The thing is,
hugging should probably be as natural of an expression as... natural.
Yet I have always had issues/problems hugging for the sake of
hugging. Not that I am against it or don't like. I do, I’ve just
always been uncomfortable with it, why? Even being in very close
proximity to others has always been an issue with me. I remember when
I was very young, 7-10 years old, sitting in the crowded back of my
mom's car with my other brothers and sisters, and I remember saying,
“stop touching me.” I didn't want to be touched, I didn't even
want to be in very close proximity with others (except when I got
older I started liking being in close proximity with girls). The
reason I didn't like being in close proximity or being touched,
perhaps has something to do with the energy/feeling I felt as soon as
someone came into close proximity or touched me; I recall being very
uncomfortable by it. My mother often told me how I refused to be
hugged and how she would make it a point to do just that , hug me.
When I got older I had no problem being physically close to women for
the sake of relationships, and I could do the hugging part for a
while but it was just part of my maneuvering. It's a strange aspect of me
that I still don't understand. It's probably tied into my lack of
trust of just about everybody. I've written about this difficulty
that I have always had in terms of hugging – children/adults, men
and women, so I'm not going to do pages and pages on this. I'm instead just going
to keep paying attention, digging ever slightly deeper, see what
self-forgiveness comes out, and monitor my progress.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the feeling of being uncomfortable when physically close to another human-being, and within this not see, realize and understand that the closer I am to another, the closer I am to me. Within this I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fear getting close to myself – as in self-intimacy. I understand that within this process, all of me will be seen and to delay this unveiling is simply to delay the inevitable. Thus I commit myself to the doing of self intimacy and the doing of intimacy/closeness with others, while continuing to write and apply self-forgiveness.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that it is I who fear to be close to another because closeness is that which makes me feel as one with the other and, in not being close I am able to continue to perceive that I remain separate – safe from their influence, untainted from that which I fear.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being like others – as I see them, and within this not see, realize and understand that that which I see/fear in/as them is already within and as me, it is me. I realize that all that I fear is already hear within and as me and as such the way/path to release me from this deception is simply to face it head on in all as me. Like when I was younger and I used to see the demons in my dreams. Interestingly I learned very quickly that all I needed do was walk up to them, hug them and hold them until they disappeared.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that allowing a child to hug me may be seen by others as improper behavior, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to maintain a code of conduct which placed emphasis on insuring my indisputable appropriate code of conduct – regarding interaction with children, instead of understanding and living equal and one with all. Within this I commit myself to uphold only the code of Life as in equality and oneness.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hugging children, as inappropriate conduct, and within this not see/realize and understand that the only thing inappropriate is to deny a child a hug.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when reacting to a child trying to hug me, not consider how the child interprets or sees this. I realize that children do see that which so many adults believe is hidden, and within this I commit myself to accept and allow hugging to become a natural part of who I am and what I stand for and as. I commit myself to return the hugs of everybody that honestly offers me a hug.
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