There is once again that feeling in my gut, as though trouble is coming and there is no escaping it – so I will face it, for I’m certain it's only me that I will see. Which leads me to wonder what it is within and as me that causes so much angst, that I just want to open the doors and face myself.
Today I started with the question of what to write: Should I write about the “Secessionist or Separatist” movement in the US – No, just more of the same game/players looking for a new start which is nothing new. Should I write about the wars taking place or beginning again – no, just consequence as in that which we've all stashed away in the closets of our minds, now bursting through the containment as the love and light is no longer enough to blind us to the truth of ourselves. Should I write about... Hell! Obviously it's going to come down to, “Should I write about me?” which of course I should, even though I'd rather explore and push another idea – like that of the People's Debt Holiday. I suspect it's coming to us via the masses of rioting in the streets, The People's Debt Holiday. Unfortunately it won't be because the people have seen the logic/rational of getting rid of the money changers, it will be because the money changers themselves can't even pay their debts. So they will allow this (as though the people have spoken) and then they will come in with their solution of a one world government – which is kind of already hear as Money, and of course there can only be one winner, a single world denomination, currency. And voila, the kings and queens or Elite have saved the day; the system remains intact, everybody's equally poor – except for a few elite of course, and then we can start the game over again, or so some might think. For, while the embers are still hot, and the people have begun to awaken, perhaps then we will begin to consider real change – a equality system, starting with an Equal Money System – why not. I have been considering what a New Declaration of Equality based on true equality might look like... We the beings of Earth and this existence as a whole, do hereby declare and commit for eternity to stand/live within and as the principle that all life is created equal and as such all are equally entitled to share in and express self as life “in-all ways within and as that which is in all-ways best for all.” We deem this truth, to be self-evident based on the foundation that all life are of One and as one inseparable... It's a work in progress. Now back to me and my relationship to me – me, myself and I. There is so much more then meets “my” eyes – the various I's. Sometimes I find myself thinking that I react to very little these days, yet perhaps that's because I interact with very little these days. I had thought that if I secluded myself more, that I'd have an opportunity to focus more on me, and this has indeed been the case. Yet I wonder if the lessening of reactions isn't just due to a lessening of interactions. Although my knees are healing, my legs have weakened, and aside for the time that I’m in the classroom, I tire more quickly than I used to. I've changed my actual living quite extensively over the last four months. I no longer visit people, rarely go shopping, stopped drinking alcohol, sleep more... I probably have the same amount of money, yet for some reason I spend as though I’m on a very tight budget – as though I’m preparing for hardship. In terms of eating, I've made it simple – rice with raisins in the morning, rice with a vegetable for lunch, and rice with meat and perhaps a vegetable for dinner. I quite enjoy eating this way – simplistically. I'm still waiting for the 2012 end of Time/Consciousness/energy. I have never believed that we as beings would voluntary change/bring ourselves to a state of equality. It's always been a change that we through our acceptances and allowances would have to have forced upon ourselves by ourselves as the consequences of/as ourselves. I have experience with this to an extent – knowing that to change I would have to take myself to a point where there was no more the option of ignorance/acceptance and allowance. What I find fascinating is going about my day, outside in the city, seeing all the people walking by as though nothing is wrong; it's like I’m in TV land and... Why don't they see what I see, are they all crazy or is it me?
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I don't know where to begin, that there is nothing that can be done – what must be walked must be walked, that there is nothing else to do but walk through the consequences that I/we have all created. I do see and realize that there is something more, and that more is yet to be seen. Thus, I commit myself to when and as I react to anything: stop, breathe, and see through the energy, and direct myself as what is best for all, seeing a bigger more accurate picture – what is perhaps hear.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to see and be part of the end of this nightmare on earth. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see an easier more gentle alternative as some may, to the necessity of loosing everything so as to see what is really hear as ourselves. I do see and have realized the benefits of my writing, self-forgiveness and self commitments, yet I also now see and realize that I must find a place, stop observing, and start doing. Within this, I commit myself to step up and start taking risks.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience an emptiness within and as me as though the game is up, I've lost and it's time to go home. I see/realize and understand that the game that is ending is that which I have been waiting for for a long time. And thus I commit myself to see it through to the end, and direct a part of it.
Not much of a pep talk for myself, I realize. I also realize that while I have changed to a degree the nature of me, there is still a degree that I do not yet even see and this may be what's causing the anxiety/fear within me as the physical/mind. This part of me I will see and direct in accordance with the commitments that I have made to existence.