Friday, November 16, 2012

Day 67: Continuing to explore my relationship to “Work”

On the subject once again, of work. I wasn't really going to blog about it because I’m doing a mind construct on the subject, and I was thinking that perhaps I would leave it to be expanded on in the MC. However it doesn't appear to be happening that way. What does appear to be happening is that I am becoming possessed by certain points within this topic. A quick look at the topic of work comes back with the points of fear – insecurity about my position and income, pride in countering the insecurity with justifications for walking away from the feeling of insecurity into the secure actuality of not having a job, thus facing my insecurity of loosing my job, by quitting my job, and supporting my ego by showing them what happens when the mess with my ego. Looking back about 35 years, I see that work has always been an issue with me. I have always had issues with not being free to do as I pleased, even when I’ve been my own boss. Historically, I've never worked anywhere for more than a year and 3-4 months. My average time that I’ve spent working at the same place (over the last 30 years) has probably been 2-5 months. That I’ve even based myself in Taiwan for 21 years is interesting within itself – probably has something to do with it being a centrally located island in southeast Asia. What I’ve realized is that every experience that I have ever had that I have reacted to, has originated from the single point of fear; there is probably nothing of humanity except the flesh, that does not arise/originate from fear. My biggest point of fear isn't not existing, it's existing under the control of something or someone. Perhaps it is not so much a fear as it is a refusal or inherent rebellion; against who – myself of course.

Work: writing it out so as to see it clearly, again
It's a relatively new private elementary school connected to a very large kindergarten. The first grade has two class, and the second through the fifth each have one class, with the size of the classes getting progressively smaller with only seven students in the sixth grade. I teach both math and science (in English) to the two first-grade classes and the third-grade class, . In looking at my position objectively, the two first-grade classes are the most important classes of the school because they're the largest and have the longest potential revenue stream. Those two classes are going very well, and I really enjoy the time I spend with those kids (a point to note – in that perhaps that which I appreciate more, I also fear more to loose). The third-grade class is going well in that I'd say I work well with the students, yet my time with them is more limited thus making it difficult to thoroughly cover the material. This doesn't matter so much in regards to math; science however is a different story. Actually, the science in both classes is lagging, not in the effort to teach or learn so much as it is in being allotted the time/scheduling to teach the material required to go over so that the book is completed in one year. In many cases for the science classes, the students simply wait for me to write the answers on the board; they then write them in their books and I check them off with my red pen – a standard requirement of the private schools that I teach at, that every answer have a neat red check next to it. Looking at the situation logically, that I’ve been given and am still teaching the most important classes in the school tells me that my job is probably secure, yet still I do not feel secure. As I've written about in previous blogs, just before I started working at this school, the principal had told me he emailed me a contract. Yet the contract never arrived, and considering that my email address is clearly written on my resume, this incident – from that point did raise some uncertainties mainly regarding my interpretation of my pay that he had verbally agreed to. I factored this uncertainty in when deciding to proceed, and unfortunately when I received my pay a month later, I realized that it was to be at the low end of my calculations – still acceptable yet at the bottom of the scale. It comes out to me being paid a little less per day I spend at the school then I’d be getting per day if I was working full-time five days a week. Yet I’m only working three days a week with full-time teaching periods but almost none of the office time, and this is what I prefer. I see most of the office requirements for the most part as part of the presentation side of the business side of the education system. The system itself is evil enough, yet to send it home as in homework, invade the last refuge of a child is simply... beyond what I’ve set out to write about in this post and it is boggles my mind how/why so many accept it as business as usual – just the way things are. Anyway, the pay is acceptable because I don't require more money, and I prefer to have my free time. The principal also informed me (after I’d been working there a month) that it was my duty to write 4 midterm and 4 midterm practice exams for the classes I teach. I downloaded the tests off the internet – which has still taken me about 5-6 hours to figure out, and this is as far as I’m willing to go regarding this subject. He also has said that I’m required to come in the evenings this month to do 2-3 parents demos – 20 minutes each time, and only be paid for the 20 minutes. In the 2 months I’ve been there, I've seen a lot of teachers being moved around, new teachers being brought in, and one foreign teacher fired. I talked to two of the younger foreign teachers now working there, and they both are teaching almost every single period that they are at the school. Thus, two teachers are doing the in-class teaching work of what would normally be done by three – good for the bottom line yet not so good for the teachers or students because the teachers have almost no time to prepare for classes, correct homework and write tests. I guess this is the “squeezing” trend that's taking place everywhere in business and I do expect it to get worse. There is an over-supply of private schools in Taiwan, while the birth-rate continues to decline. In other words, the environment of easy work and high pay that I have enjoyed in Taiwan for so long is at last coming to an end. Although I’ve been noticing this trend for quite some time, I haven't adapted so readily to the higher demands for less pay ways. I will as much as I need to, and in looking at what I’m doing right now – working part-time on an hourly basis, I am doing just that. Of course it does remain to be seen whether or not I’ll be able to continue riding the wave to the very end. In the mean time, I’ll look at contingency plans – working for myself, relocating, etc. Regarding this job, I’d say (if I do the low paid Demo's) the odds are that I can continue through to the next semester, before I’m pushed to either sigh a full-time contract, fired, or find a better job. What I’ve written about to this point, has to do with external uncertainties. The internal uncertainties – as in not being certain what I’m going to do are what I really should explore. Internal uncertainties: I see that in the past I would often quit a job because I felt uncertain, and what I was really doing was establishing a certainty stance within me by getting rid of that which I had projected the uncertainty onto – like selling the car because it required occasional repairs. I have for a long time seen “regularly changing locations” as the key to keeping myself interested. Also whenever I’ve felt that something else had control over an aspect of that which I valued, I would often move or let go of that aspect because as I wasn't in control of it, it presented a risk of a perceived loss. Hear today, I find myself in a similar position; I appreciate and enjoy when and how I’m working. Yet since I am not the sole directorate of this aspect of me, I view walking away as an option – a deterrent which if I use I still loose but so too does the other side, but at least I directed myself. And this is pretty much how I’ve done things, preferring either to have no control or all the control. In the interest of cutting this short, I will restate that which I’ve already decided: I'm just going to keep doing what I do as well as I do it, which means accomplishing the job that I’m being paid (as I see it), plus I’ll do a little extra, i.e., the Demos.

  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by little demon points within/as me, and within this not realize that it is these points that are showing me the aspects of me within and as which I am still not self-directive, in control. I now see/realize and understand that these points present opportunities for me to direct me so as to no longer be controlled by ego, and instead walk within and as that which is best for all – which for now is as I see it to keep my environment stable. Therefore, I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to be occupied by such points. Regarding work, I will continue doing what is reasonably asked of me, and I will do it well.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as pride, in believing that I deserve to be treated in a certain manner, and within this not see/realize that the reality of the world system is there is nothing fair about it and within this it is for me to change my world – from the internal to the external. Once again I realize that to change/direct my external reality is to change/direct my internal reality. Thus I commit myself to continue writing out all the strange stuff that goes on in my head, understand it and eliminate it because I have decided not to be or become it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider walking away from my job because of the insecurities I’ve experienced in my mind. I see/realize and understand that what I allow within and as my mind will become my reality. Thus I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to participate within the mental experiences projected on my job, and to instead simply do my job within reason and in doing so direct me to stand/walk wherever this takes me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all this time I've rebelled against that which I saw as attempting to control me; I’ve made it a crusade to rebel, and in this never realized that I was rebelling against the very aspect that would/could set me free – me. I now see, realize and understand that to free is to understand that nothing and no one has ever moved or been able to move me – I’ve only always only blamed others for my own movements, never taking complete responsibility for all of me – all as me. Obviously I do yet understand what it means to be free, yet I do understand that “everything” within and as me is directly dependent on me – I am my responsibility. Within this I commit myself to stop projecting onto others the reasons for me doing what I do, and within this continue to direct me more into alignment with what is best for all – based on what is actually hear happening in/as the physical, as opposed to what is happening in my mind in/as energy.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing something that I care for and within this fear caring for anything because I fear the fear of loosing it. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself view letting go of something that I care for, as a means of insuring that I do not experience the loosing it or the fear of loosing it. I see that I am still attempting to escape from fear, by getting away from or letting go of that which I have projected onto as the cause of the fear, and within this see and realize that the fear of loosing something is not caused by that “something,” it's caused by me accepting and allowing myself to place value onto it as though it's part of me without which I would be moved. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and give value to ideas as images and pictures of how I see myself, and within this give power over me unto energy/ideas/mind/system. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that that which I give power over me to move me is that of my responsibility to self that I have abdicated. Thus I commit myself to as soon as I notice the thoughts, imagination, backchat coming up regarding work, stop, breath, and within focusing on my breath, not allow myself to fall into the traps of the mind. Regarding work, I commit myself to do my job well and correctly, and I commit myself to also do some extra work within reason.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to feel secure in regards to work/money, and within this not realize that it is the desire to feel secure that perpetuates the insecurity. Thus I see/realize and understand that to let go of the insecurities is to let go of the need/desire to be secure, and in this realize that insecurity happens only in the mind, thus it is for me to change my mind to no longer participate within and as such desires/needs to “feel” secure. I commit myself to when and as I notice that I am participating in feelings of security/insecurity, to stop, breathe, and bring myself back to the reality of the moment in and as what is physically hear, and in doing so direct myself according to what is hear in this moment.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view walking away from something as a solution to insuring that it doesn't have control over me, and within this not realize that walking away is not required as much as simply stopping and or directing my participation within being hear and not allowing myself to go into the mind and or be moved by anything or anyone. I now see, realize and understand that in every situation, the best way for me to proceed is to direct myself within that situation, remaining hear as breath and not accepting and allowing my ego to participate.

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