Friday, October 12, 2012

Day 57: Hell


This morning I felt this lack of energy feeling, translated in the mind to mean “feeling down.” It's interesting because mostly these days I don't feel up or down, yet lately off and on I’ve felt a physical sensation in my solar plexus as though I’m scared or nervous yet I don't see anything or issue in the mind that would be triggering this; so what is it. Perhaps it's that I spent most of yesterday writing about a small portion of my view on existence – as I interpret portions of it. I don't see things going very well for us, surprise, surprise. As for the process of me: a part of me says to continue writing as I’m writing now, and another says I should find hidden issues and write them out. Actually throughout most of my life I have for the most part been an open book, an almost non-stop talker of my issues – personal and non personal. I have not kept that much inside; there have been very few people that I didn't like, because I didn't judge them, I used them (from my perspective) to keep me company / for entertainment, and there has never been secret about that or inner guilt associated with that – except in a few cases relative to women, in which I defined myself not offering the affection that I perceived they wanted or needed. Anyway, this morning I was as I said, “feeling down,” and dog, Happy is really supportive in such cases as she will bark at me until I play with her, and I realize that what she's doing is assisting me to get out of the mind and into the physical. So, here I am back again and instead of letting these words run around in the mind, I’m physically typing them, and I’m just going to continue like this for as long as it takes because shooting out self-forgiveness doesn't always just pour out. Writing like this, is how I prefer to write, yet it's not how I perceive I’m supposed to write. The way I perceive I’m supposed to write is, highly articulately, didactically structured, and in a focused manner so as the readers sees where I’m going, gets the point and learns something. Well, I’m the reader, and the point is that within and as me as the mind is a lot fragments and they're all over the place – it's really messy; my fingers and keyboard are my broom, and the screen for this mess is the dustpan and garbage bag. Thoughts of going out with others, going for a drive over the mountains, it's garbage most of it. Why, because when these thoughts come up there is a feeling associated with them that perhaps I should be doing this kind of stuff, it's what I used to do and I still can do, so why not do it – get away from the keyboard for a while. I'll tell me why. Because it's not me wanting to do these things; it's not an expression of me that says “I'm going to go to the beach because that's what I’d enjoy doing right now or tomorrow.” Honestly, it's not what I enjoy doing right now or what I want to do. Right now and over the last several months and off and on for a long time now, this process of sitting in front of my computer, studying, investigating, writing, etc., is what I’ve decided to do, and so shall I continue doing so until I start to see what else it is that I am able to do to assist myself and all as me to free ourselves from our self-imposed prison cells of slowly but surely disintegrating into nothing or perhaps another cycle/season of Lost in Hell. Hell is, not being here in absolute control of self. Hell is not being absolutely self-directed in every moment and knowing with absolute certainty which direction I am heading and why I’m heading in that direction. Hell is being trapped into and as a mind of which I have not control over. Bliss is ignorance, and my goal is to remove this “bliss” from existence, wake up those who didn't or don't want to know; welcome to Hell. I must say that I feel better already; that pit in my stomach is just about gone.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel down and within this feeling, not immediately stop it as I see/realize and understand that a feeling is that, which I do not require to be here. Thus I commit myself to upon experiencing a feeling, stop, breathe, write it out (as I have just done), and commence to do something physical – like clean the house, so as to stay out of the mind and stay in the physical.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that when two parts of/within me vie for influence regarding what I should and shouldn't do: those parts of me are personalities vying for power over me so as to evolve as personalities. Within this I commit myself to upon noticing Fear as thoughts, imagination, backchat, reactions, behavioral changes, or consequence: stop, breathe, track down the source of these personality activators to the personality that they are associated with, and through the step by step methodology that I’ve almost figured out, erase these personalities.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge things as not going very well for existence, and within this not see that I have really judged myself – as in not seeing things as going very well for me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge me and my process. I commit myself to not judge myself as in where I am or how I'm doing in my process, or as in what I write about and how I write it; if it's in me I’ll write – pretty or not here I come. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach meaning as in memories associated with words, instead of simply letting the words speak as they have been written or spoken. Thus I commit myself to use the words - speaking and writing them as they come out of me, naturally as they are me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that the purpose of writing is to find those hidden issues/points and to understand how I’ve created them as me so as to change me. Within this I commit myself to continue writing as I write – without the concern that this has to be written in a certain way/manner so as to demonstrate to someone that I am apparently something or at some point of understanding; as I now understand that this writing is for me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe me be as an open book and within this not see/realize and understand that there have always been secrets within and as my mind that I’ve never told anyone. Within this I commit myself to write these secrets out to get them out of me; then after seeing them for what they are/were, applying self forgiveness and writing self corrective statements I will decide to post them or not. Either way I’ll get them out of me so as they no longer influence me.
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I didn't judge so many people. Within this I see/realize and understand that even in judging people as positive and or useful I was in thought and in deed judging them, and as such judging myself. I see/realize and understand that within judging others as in entertaining to me I was judging myself as in need of company/entertainment, and I thus forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as in need of entertainment and in this not realize that I was completely under the control of a mind consciousness system that constantly and continuously seek/sought reward as energy experience for its self interest only. Within this I again commit myself to not lose sight of the goal of eliminating/stopping the consumption of me as one with all that is physical, and stopping the mind's use of physicality to transform into energy/money and in so doing stop the abuse within and as existence.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/perceive that I’m supposed to write for show – in a highly articulate, didactic sentences, etc. Within this I see/realize and understand that I’m the student here and so I will always be as this is what I’ve decided to be, a student of Life. I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to be influenced by perceptions of how others may see me, yet in this to also consider where others are in relation to me so as not to harm or offend, and within this stance I no longer accept and allow myself to attempt to influence another's view of me as I realize that their views of me are created within themselves.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my thoughts to be garbage and within this not realize that within my use of the word, garbage to define “thoughts” I am/was placing a value on such thoughts – in essence giving value to them. Within this I see/realize and understand that to place value – positive or negative, is to participate within and as them thus fueling the mind consciousness system. Thus I commit myself to when and as thoughts arise, not give them value, and to immediately stop the thought, breathe, note the type of thought so as to later connect it to a personality to be marked for deconstruction, and continue here in physical living.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as thoughts that maybe I should go with others to the beach or mountains, etc. within this I see/realize and understand the difference between thoughts pushing me to do certain activities, and the natural expression of me as life directing me. In staying inside, typing, writing, studying, I am doing that which I am certain that I am directing me to do; it's not a mind thing that I do because I can or because others are doing; it's not always easy or fun, yet I have decided that it needs to be done, so I will myself to do it and so I will until it is done, and then perhaps when I am certain that all are equally able to play, I too will play.
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