A problem that I sometimes encounter when sitting down to write is not having a subject or an issue to write about. By issue I’m referring to a point within me that I've allowed to occupy me on various occasions let's say for more than a 10 seconds at a time before I stop it. In those moments I've sacrificed a part of me unto the system. Thoughts still come up often and I stop them, usually within few seconds. Then there are those that I'll look at for 15-20 seconds, realize the uselessness of it and stop. I’m also beginning to be aware of an issue and a solution as me, yet without the thoughts. A prominent thought of the last couple of days has been in regards to relationships (acquaintances) that are slowly and surely ending/dissipating. I'm not uncomfortable about this, however it's not what I set out to accomplish. Going back 3-4 years when I began to see/realize even a bit of what I require of myself and what it's going to take of us all to change/save humanity, earth..., I envisioned us all joining together, rallying others, spreading the Word - simply waking up. I've rallied none, and what have I done/realized assists mostly me and of course all as me – mathematically simple enough to see. Lots of progress here in absorbing information and knowledge which assists me in logically crosschecking my directives/standing, and participating less and less as energy and more and more in/as physicality.
Getting back to the relationships; it's taken me about two years to untangle myself from them and that's it. I see them clearly enough to no longer “think” I need them – now it's just about me maintaining my self-directive. In looking at the possibility of me continuing to participate with these individuals, as beings participating with other beings – which is what I’d prefer, I’ve experimented on various occasions in terms of expanding our conversations to include subjects of equality, the world system and how to change it, etc., and I’ve each time encountered the same polite disinterest – to me it looks like a wall. On the subject changing the world, i.e., reversing our current course towards total annihilation, I do see possibility because I’m starting to see/realize in much more detail how the system works. As the the world system of money's relationship to earth is apparently one with and equal to the relationship of consciousness to the human physical, we may observe the correlation between the collapse of the world money system, and the collapse of society – which is of course already evident.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that since I do not control 100% of my thoughts – their origins and every single aspect of them, they are by my definition not trust – worthy. I see/realize and understand that that which is not 100%, is corrupt and thus not trust worthy.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view 2-3 seconds participation in thoughts as an improvement, and within this not see that thought/backchat,emotion/feeling is an indicator that a personality system is already activated. Within this I see/realize and understand that (within the goal of being self-directive) is necessary for me to eliminate all personality systems.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in ideas of what I was going to do regarding assisting friends and changing the world. Within this I see/realize and understand that my ideas of assisting friends were mixed with self interest and thus not sustainable solutions.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my onto others my experience/anger at myself for once again trying to (as I see it) wake people up as to what is “really” happening. It's funny that I say “really” because, how does one “really” be certain of anything, he tests it out on everything and when it applies absolutely to everything it then becomes “Truth”. It's obvious to me that I’m different, yet there is also something different about someone
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that the anger and the desire to rebel is a par of me that has yet to realize that I’m still fighting myself, and that it's time to stop fighting and take self responsibility to change the nature of me so that I as energy and substance are one and equal.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto Desteni my reluctance to write about things that I consider to be important. I see/realize and understand that I am the only one that stops me from doing something and that if I fall it's up to me get up and again walk.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what it is that I need to write about. Within this I see/realize and understand that to see me as I've become is to write about me – what's on my mind.