I finally settled into a job that I enjoy – 24 hours, three days per week, teaching elementary school kids at another one of these expensive private schools. This time, however the students' English level is quite high so I really don't need to use any Chinese, and I’m given quite a bit of autonomy. It's enough money to pay most of the bills, and I’ll still have plenty of time to write and study.
An issue that came up yesterday has to do with me second guessing peoples' motives, and in doing so coming up with a list of possibilities and then preparing possible responses for such imaginary possibilities. Specifically, I’m speaking of yesterday when I went to pick up my last paycheck at the cram-school that I had worked for for about five weeks – the one that had me teaching for four hours at a time without breaks. When I went there to get my pay, I had to wait for almost 20 minutes, and during that time there was a point where my mind started throwing out suggestions like – maybe they're going to try to withhold taxes or reduce my pay because I only stayed there for five weeks... It probably only lasted about 30-45 seconds in total, but during that time, internal conversations had taken over. I thought to myself what a mistake it would be for her to try and cheat me, but if she took out taxes I wouldn't be bothered by that. There was also a picture of having my my accountant/partner give her a call. Even though I stopped this in a very short time, a personality had clearly occupied me. Another form of internal conversation that I’ve noticed is when I see people, I quantum categorize them, yet in these instances there are no words or pictures, just me realizing that I have in an instant, judged them. What realize is that the best point to make decisions is at the point of the maximum accumulation of facts, and that the maximum accumulation of facts is only possible at the point in which decision and movement are one.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to in self-interest perceive the motives of another, and within this not see/realize and understand that my reading into anther’s actions is tainted by self-interest of the character within me that is attempting to become me entirely.
- I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand from the beginning the motives within and as me as the mind in putting forth thoughts and pictures as energies, as a means of evolving as a character within/as the mind consciousness system.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain such thoughts as energies that come up within me as though they are me when in most of the occurrences I had no idea where or when these thoughts were created and why it was at that moment they come up within me.
- Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a change in me – from being here in one moment, to a character in the moment, and within this change not even question the mechanics/design automation of my mind that would in a moment change me without me even being aware of it happening until as a consequence of it happening. Within this I forgive myself that I did not allow my myself to see/realize and understand that if I am not aware that I am changing, then I am not in fact here directing me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that to allow even one thought/picture to come up is to allow the fueling of a personality/character to manifest within and as the mind, thus giving up my directive principle, unto an energetic entity creation of/as the mind based on past memories/pictures/experiences that may not even have been mine and certainly are not better suited to walk in the present than I am here in/as the present.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that the absolute point of knowing/understanding how to best walk through and direct a moment as me is me in that moment, standing one with and equal to all that is here in that moment. Within this I see/realize and understand that to be at the point of absoluteness in terms of directing myself to/as that which is best for all, requires that I be at that point in the moment of making a decision in which I stand as the accumulation of “all” that I am and have been so as to maximize the potential of a decision to create outflows that will be best for all.
- Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in such thoughts/pictures that come up and as such allow myself to be transformed into a personality.
- I commit myself to longer accept and allow myself to imagine what actions or thoughts another is participating in and why, as I see/realize and understand that imagination is but an energetic illusion in/of the mind, an illusion which I do not accept as a substitute for manifested reality.
- I commit myself to stop the thoughts/pictures before they show up in my conscious mind, and while doing so also identify the source of these thoughts/pictures so as to characterize my entire mind consciousness system, leaving only the character of life.
- I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to change from one moment to the next, and instead to remain stable, here in breath, expressing me as life.
- I commit myself to in walking here in breath, make decisions in the moment the decision is required to be enacted, and in this manner insure that I am at the best point of maximized accumulated moments regarding that point so as to align myself with what is best for all.