Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Day 20: Skeletons in the closet: Here's mud in My face

The title refers to the symbolism of two dreams I recalled upon waking on two separate occasions. Usually I try not to focus on or remember dreams unless their symbolism is immediately apparent; sometimes I'm successful, and sometimes not. On this occasion, it seemed as though I was successful, and then suddenly the symbolism, metaphorically speaking came forth. 

In the Skeletons in the closet dream I was avoiding (by fighting and defeating) something that kept trying to get me. The dream ended with bags of bones being dug up and presented to the people of a village. I was on the other side of the bones, facing the people. In the second dream I was literally running around, playfully, competitively, throwing mud in people's faces. I sometimes missed, but mostly I hit my target and then move onto the next. Perhaps the symbolism of the two dreams on the same day is that I am throwing insults and with each done deed, another skeleton gets thrown into my closet – the conscious and subconscious layers of my mind. The reason that we have closets is to keep things out of sight out of mind. What's in my closet?
Throwing mud in people's faces (metaphorically speaking) is something that I’ve done, overtly and covertly; the only difference between the two is the acceptance of self-honesty / responsibility as and for the directive that caused the outcome – harm unto me and or another/others/all. Within me, there is this voice coming up, saying: “This is bullshit; you don't need to write about this. Don't give a shit what others think. If they can't handle what you say, too bad for them, they're weak.” And these days, when that voice speaks / tells me not to write, I know I'm right on track. I have used words to establish “my” position of superiority. I didn't care whether those relative to whom I was establishing such position, saw it or not, but I've always imagined that an audience recognized that I had, through cleverly placed words, established that superior position. It just now occurs to me that when writing, I almost never write form a perspective of looking in at me and writing about me; it's always from a perspective of looking in at me, and writing for an audience: to impress, convince, insult, manipulate... I have used/abused words to harm – as in slinging words towards another and or others. Sometimes I’ve done this in the form of questions designed to evoke emotional responses from the subject of my attack – manipulating someone to become angry, without overtly even attacking them at all. Very evil, as I've now seen for quite some time. But has seeing the evil, stopped me from participating within and as it? Consciously/overtly, yes. Unconsciously/covertly, the dreams say otherwise.
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that when I write solely for an audience, I am writing to manipulate members of that audience, and within this the question must be asked: is this manipulation that which is best for all or is it for the self-interest of me as ego. I see/realize and understand that writing is a tool to understand and cleanse me of the systems that have plagued and enslaved me, and at this point, for me to write to an audience is as a slave preaching the message of freedom as though he is already set himself free.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the center of attention within and as me as mind, not seeing/realizing and understanding that the mud as words and deeds that I covertly and or overtly sling towards the faces of others is of ego, backchat, the inner face of me. Within this I see/realize and understand that to be free of ego is to freely give unto others that which I would have given to me, i.e., support others as I would be supported – like a child holding another child’s hand as we both cross a busy street.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in writing and speaking, encode within the sentences a stance of superiority, masking the inferiority – that part of me within and as me that I am unaware / not yet standing one with and equal. Within this I forgive myself that I have not yet seen/realized and understood that to effectively write myself out to freedom, I must understand that, when writing about what I see as external/separate from me, I am actually writing of and about me: I create the words, therefore they are me. Thus, I accept responsibility for all as me, and from within and as this stance I will continue to write so that I may see all aspects of me. Then, point by point change me so as to change all as me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the knowledge and information that I possess is actually me, when in reality it's just knowledge and information possessing me because I have yet to live it as me. I see/realize and understand that knowledge and information must (if we are to reverse the mistakes of this world) be used/lived only in support of that which is best for all in all possible ways.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that,  within and as me is Ego fighting for its survival, the right to spite others, the right to so-called free-choice which is basically the right to commit acts of self-interest = acts which are not in the best interests of all. I see/realize and understand that I am this criminal called Ego – it's me, and as such only I may rehabilitate/change me to that which walks as an example of that which in all ways possible supports that which is best for all – simplistically, equality and oneness. It's a breath by breath process that within and as each breath, I clearly see how effectively I am directing me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in order to assist others as me I must humbly do so from a position of striving to live equality and oneness.
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that my task is to first set myself free so that I may assist others to set themselves free, and then once we are all free, we will all understand the absolute necessity of absolute equality – the key to heaven on earth, harmony.
  • I commit myself to writing from a perspective of me writing me for all to see, and within this, the changes that are or aren't seen will verify who I am and where I stand: as creator of the words, they are the state of me.
  • I commit myself to in this process of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, ask myself whether these words are words that will measurably contribute to what is best for all, i.e., will they stand the test of time, the test of the mind, the test of Life.
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