As 2021 Begins

 

Rather than start this year off with "the hardships to come" kind of talk, I'll use this moment to have a look at where I am.

Honestly, I would say that even though there have been some very difficult times for me over the last decade, it has still been the best decade of my life. It has been a time of letting go, a time of redefining, embracing and living new definitions of words that I had never understood nor even imagined I would ever live. Words such as care, compassion and consideration and even empathy — as a combination of care and consideration that I now live by placing the experience of another — as I imagine it —  into myself while remaining stable in order to decide how best to stand in relation to them. Even though I never understood empathy and I rarely cared about anyone but myself for most of my life, I now understand what it’s like to care and empathize. And nowadays, while I usually notice when I’m living those words, it is no longer something that I need to push myself to do — almost as though it’s a natural doing for me.

 In essence, I’ve redesigned a substantial portion of myself (with room for expansion and/or improvement of course as need be) to give myself that flexibility to continue walking a journey that I/we began long ago. This is not to say that I am perfect, far from it, but that I have proven to myself that I am able and willing to face what is, take responsibility for it and change it as myself to that which is better in relation to all. In essence, I’m still on a never ending mission on a never ending journey with room for lots of funnying and adventuring on top of that.

 Additionally, until recently, I guess about the last 1-2 years ago, I would often wonder why my voice always seemed to be out of pitch, like there was something interfering with the natural sound that I imagined I ought to be making, yet never seem to be able to produce, especially when I dared to sing.  Nowadays however, when I sing (which is a lot) to myself at home with the geckos that sometimes greet me or when I’m in classrooms (with the students diligently attending to their smartphones), I no longer hear that scratching and screeching noise coming out of me. These days, I love hearing the sounds that I create, and while I may not be in perfect harmony, I enjoy the balance it brings to my environment and it’s an improvement in the direction I care to be heading.

 Recently, my physical body went through a reorganizing of sorts wherein I felt quite ill for about two weeks. During this time, I reduced my weight by about four kgs and cut out the canned tomatoes and canned mackerel that I had been eating quite often. It turns out (from my analysis) that the canned foods contained toxins that I was ingesting over the long run. Thus having removed that aspect, as well as most glucose from my diet and doubled the fruit and veggies that I eat, I now feel much better — like physically reorganized. And that’s why I’m posting my picture with these blogs – for the record.

 I’m going to leave it here today because I’m considering (on this Sunday), either doing some cold water swimming or going shopping for supplies.

Am I changing me from within or is something inside of me is changing Me

I wonder sometimes if every now and then, a new or different being jumps inside of me and perhaps the one that was in there before, jumps out or perhaps we merge to something somewhat different. I remember when I was around 9 or 10, maybe even 13. I was walking up the street, pondering my existence: why am I here, where did I come from and how did everything all begin, that sort of thing. The answer as to how everything all began was clear enough to me. As a big blue blob with nothing more to learn and no more challenges to be found, we exploded into gazillion pieces with the mission, go forth to learn what else there is to be understood. However, I also remember thinking to myself, I hate it here. Actually, I wasn’t so much thinking to myself, as much as I was talking to the voices inside of my head. I really did hate where I was. I felt like the entire scene that I was trapped in, was sooo beneath me. So much so that I literally asked, requested and even begged to have someone replace me. This is why I sometimes I wonder, especially when something of me changes suddenly, something that I did not initiate consciously within awareness. 

The change I am talking about has to do with the entertainment I watch on my computer. For many years, as far back as I remember, I preferred to watch action packed, often quite violent TV. For instance, until a couple of months ago, The Walking Dead was my favorite show. Nowadays however, I find The Walking Dead to be quite so-so, almost even lame. Instead, I now prefer watching simple, silly TV shows and I am also watching a lot less entertainment altogether. This is a point that I haven't quite figured out, so I figured I would write it down as part of my journal. There is one more point that I would like to point out, not as big a deal as letting go of the addiction to violent TV shows, but noteworthy nonetheless. The energy ensemble that I have been hearing inside and around my head, off and on for about the last eight years or so, has suddenly seemingly increased its intensity, meaning it is a lot louder. What does this mean? I have some guesses, but they are a little too far out there, even for me to be writing down. BTW, I guess that the reason I suddenly stopped watching violent TV shows has to do with changing my attitude in relation my physical body. I am now caring for myself much more than I used to.