Yesterday I posted a blog and then I deleted that post out of concern for how it post might be interpreted. Afterwards, in listening to an Eqafe interview, Oceans: Acceptance, Decision, and Action, I noticed yet another point, the point of judgment in relation to what I write and whether or not I should post it publicly.
In one sense I would so much like to put everything of my internal energetic movements and realizations out there onto the world wide web for all to see, so that in having everything exposed, I would have nothing left to hide, which would mean no more fear of being exposed, which would mean no going back to the realm of secrecy and the birth tunnel of fear. Alas, I’ve conflicted myself to such a degree that, the more I process myself to a stand of self honestly, the more I begin to see the totality deception of that I once believed was me. Literally, the more I know, the more I no and more I no, the more I know.
I wrote and deleted a couple paragraphs attempting to explain to that statement, the more I know, the more I no and more I no, the more I know, but then deleted them due to the confusion they may have introduced. For me, it’s just a play on words, more secrets hidden in plain sight, which means it was never a secret at all, which is also where everything is heading - to the point of ultimate self-responsibility.
So, I guess there’s really no support in being too hard on myself or self judgmental. After all, this process from consciousness to awareness is indeed a process of letting go of everything that I had defined myself as, to a point of nothingness to see, realize and understand that, as I’ve always been the one doing the defining, I’m the only one responsible for getting myself to where I’ve been and where I’m going. Which is to say that, as life, I am but a potential of life. I guess or perhaps this is just another one of my self-definitions. Eventually, I’ll see the truth of me, even if it means walking down all of the darkest corridors of me, myself and I, while opening every single door to investigate, explore and then determine exactly how I am going to be. The plan.
Anyway, this morning when I awoke, it occured to me that, even though I am less than I thought I was, I am now more than I was for knowing it. Not really, but that’s kind of how it feels. What does this realization practically mean? I guess it means that, more than just letting go of my ideas and perceptions of reality, I’ve also gotta stop writing about them - as though I know, when in reality I don’t. A part of me wants to scream, but who going to tell the world the truth then? Lol, I guess it’s not going to be me.
Finally, there’s this point of opening or not opening a private blog to post that which I care to have some see, while for others it will remain somewhat secret, yet not inaccessible. This has to do with the point wherein I balance considerations of secrecy with how interpretations of what I write, might affect my position in the system. For example, in a recent post, the one that I just deleted, I used the word, Asia in reference to the Asia Pacific region. However, as the university I work at is called Asia University, I was concerned that a sentence including the word, “asia” might be misinterpreted, especially by non-native English speakers. Thus, I will do it. I’ll start a private blog and use it occasionally as a means of balancing my position in the system with my personal process.