Thursday, August 17, 2017

Opportunity in Facing Consequence

I had defined myself as being oppressed, tormented and ostracized for standing my ground, not bowing down to what was wrong and never ever letting myself be pushed around. I viewed the masses as following the bullies who would direct the masses in what I considered to be the wrong directions. I didn’t appreciate the directions that the masses chose to go in and I didn’t respect them for following the self-interested few. However, as long as they they left me alone and didn’t push me to fall in line and join their wrong direction, I would leave them alone.  Keep moving was my motto because I feared that once I settled down, my right to be different would  surely be challenged. This is a shortened description of how I’ve been relating to my external reality for a long time. Although, I often wondered what was going on inside of me, for the most part, I kept myself unaware. I am still not sure why.

I perceived that the world was against me, at least most of humanity and surely the system it seemed. It always seemed to me that people would insist that I do as the others did and I viewed this as a form of oppression. The more I resisted against my experience of being inferiorized, the more I would feel as though I were being tormented. Thus, in reaction to my experience of inferiority, I became defiant which I defined as superiority. Thus, instead of letting myself be pushed around, I would push back. Instead of having to obey, I would wherever I could, take command. And if they still refused to leave me alone, I would make them pay. This was my secret way, and strangely enough, I had even kept this secret from myself.

Thus, I embodied in so many ways, the nature of that which I believed I was fighting against my whole life, that of the evil few. Interestingly, I could never hide from myself the nature of me. I viewed it as an evil lurking within me, I just didn’t understand why. I still do not understand why and maybe I never will. At the very least, however, I am beginning to see the pattern and from this glimpse, I am able to change myself to how I would prefer to be.

I see now that the construct of defiance has dominated me for most of my life. In fear of being dominated and forced to obey, I sought to dominate in so many ways - via manipulation, intelligence, perseverance, etc., and lastly by force. It’s strange that, even when this pattern was presented for me to hear and see, I didn’t or I wouldn’t.

Now I see that, sometimes when we’ve built up and reinforced patterns within and as us to such an extent, it really is necessary to walk through some consequence to bring about that sunken feeling wherein one surrenders and lets down his or her wall of protection to (for a moment of opportunity) see the pattern and take responsibility for it.

Thus, while walking through the consequences such as negative energy experiences while surrendering and letting down one’s defenses, it is important to also be looking for the patterns with the intention of changing self to no longer embody that pattern. Otherwise, the pattern will simply re establish itself as one attempts to regain the positive experience. Thus, my commitment to myself: When and as I find myself facing a point of consequence, I commit embrace the energetic experience, look into it as me to see the pattern that played out in arriving at the consequence. In seeing the pattern, I commit to forgive myself and change the definitions to non-polarized words for me to live.
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