Wednesday, August 30, 2017

As Summer Comes to a Close

The Battle line of the Within and the Without
Recently, I had a dream that I noted.
In the first part of the dream, I was lucid, like aware that I was in a place where I could fly and that I had been there before, yet lacked the memory. I flew high over the lands until I came to the place where I could fly no further. There was a village and many children greeted me with unconditional hugs and embraces just the way my best dog-friend used to do. One of them told me some important news, something to do with having completed something but still having much to do. I left that aspect of the dream and suddenly I was facing someone much bigger than me, whom I had defined as my enemy, but was just my ego. He started pushing me around and I ended up putting him on the ground very hard. I did that on purpose because, even though I did not want to harm him, I did what to take the fight out of him. For a moment, I feared that I had harmed him. Suddenly, he opened his eyes and his mouth became an angry grimace. At that point, I knew he wasn’t going to stay down and that’s when I awoke. Inside of me, while I see I am still divided, I am also still committed to walking my process from consciousness to awareness. That being said, I am also so confused.

As summer comes to a close, as my so-called summer vacation enters the final ten day stretch, I wonder why I even call it a vacation. To be honest, I don’t have vacations, at least not in terms of vacating one place for a more accommodating place. The idea is that, as work is sometimes stressful, not having to go to work ought to be relaxing. Doesn’t work that way for me. My vacation to my home in the northern city has been a stressful experience for me. However, this is not to say that I consider it to be a bad or regretful thing. Actually it has been a wonderful (but not fun) opportunity for me to see and face points of myself that I have yet to completely deal with. In other words, I am still working on them, myself. The points I’m speaking of have to do with authority, defiance, victimization and perhaps even jealousy. There are probably more; like I said, these are confusing times for me.

In writing out my perspective of my war and my confusing times, I noticed that I was projecting onto and blaming the other sides instead of taking complete responsibility for all sides "of my perspective". Thus, I rewrote things out to take complete responsibility. However, in doing that, I noticed that the pendulum had swung back to the point wherein I was now judging and blaming myself. Finally, In looking for the middle ground or a line that I could draw, I begin to realize that it is not about which path one takes to get where he or she is going, but about who one is in relation to self and others while walking that path.  Whether one stays and fights or walks away, self-change occurs not in the outcomes of such decisions, but from within and as the determination to decide who one is while walking such decisions. Specifically, in this reality, there is no right or wrong path and there is no winning or losing, only the decision to continue walking, facing one's self and changing.  Thus, it is for me and each of us to choose our paths and determine for ourselves who each  is and will be. Words of wisdom?  Not quite yet, I still have to test them out and live them into real change.

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