One of the points I have noticed within me in relation to working with colleagues in the system is that I am sometimes reluctant to share with others the materials I have created.
Additionally, there sometimes arises within me a fear that, I will not receive credit or pay for additional work or the materials I have created. One of the reasons for this experience (I guess) is due in part to me not receiving the additional pay for additional work that I had done. In one case, I had sent in materials and the team used my stuff as though it was part of a pool of materials, meaning I got no credit and no pay. Honestly though, in looking back at the situation, I had purposely sent in the materials in such a way that they would be included as the pool of materials because I feared that if the materials came directly from me, the administration might scrutinize them more and see through to my real objective.
What was my real objective? To input information and methodologies of looking at information into the curriculum structure of the university that was not there before. Specifically, my aim was to create and implement course material and requirements that encourage students and teachers to look beyond the box of irrelevant information of sentences such as “the frog jumped” to the relevant of the physical reality of earth, nature and humanity, e.g., “As a consequence, many species are now dead or dying.” In order for others to consider the benefits of such changes, I set out to link the changes to the financial reward that comes from raising the standard of education, which could increase students’ problem abilities; thus, raising the status of the university, thereby enabling the university to attract not only more students, but also higher level ones.
The strange thing here and the reason why I am still writing out this point is that, even though I have been accomplishing my mission, I still sometimes go somewhat crazy inside after I send materials to others to input into the system. In other words, even though I realize that, I am accomplishing one of my life’s missions and I do not need more money, still there arises within me a fear of being left out of the decision-making processes, not getting credit and/or not being paid for the work I have done. I wonder: where does this fear that challenges my common sense and logic come from? Why is it that I am still experiencing energetic reactions in fear of others using “my” material, even though I have set my mission goals clearly within the realization that winning does not necessarily include recognition or extra money? I guess the problem is that, I am still not unconditionally giving and receiving = not living to my potential.
I would rather be one who gives unconditionally. I care to be one who expects nothing in return, especially when it really is not about something that I physically need. Here is perhaps the key: if I do not physically require the additional money to do what I care to be doing, then why do I care whether I am credited or paid? Having written this out, it suddenly occurred to me that, this is exactly the point that I have been working on (but have put off for the last three weeks) in my process of self-forgiveness and self-correction. Thus, I will pick this up there and I re-commit me to walking a process of self-correction to a standing of unconditional giving and receiving.