Taking a detour from what I’ve recently been focused on, I’m going to write about what I’ve been experiencing over the last couple of weeks concerning words. While teaching sentence patterns to a group of teenage students, I noticed that the words I was using were coming up with multiple definitions. For example, when I used the word, big, some of the boys made jokes with sexual innuendos. Then, when I was directing my teaching at some of the girls (to practice using count and non-count nouns in sentences), each time I gave them a word to practice with, it would show up in my mind, attached with gender specific innuendos. For example, I'd say, “milk” and the girls were supposed to say, “I don't have any milk.” However, just before I said 'milk', the word also came up pertaining to a woman being pregnant. Cherries, orange juice, water, etc., also came up 'in mind' with multiple definitions. I was like, “Shit, is there no word within my vocabulary that does not have gender specific innuendos attached to it?” From there, I’ve been considering that, if I can see additional definitions of words just before I speak them; then perhaps the frequencies of these spoken words are also carrying those hidden definitions.
Also, over the last two weeks, I’ve been monitoring where my eyes tend to wander as I walk in public places. It's fascinating how automated (finely tuned) I’ve allowed myself to become in terms of categorizing people, and from as far as perhaps 40 meters (even when it's dark) I will in an instant, decide whether or not to look at them more closely. So far, the only success I’ve had in terms of turning off this auto pilot, is to not look at anyone. Perhaps, if I look at everyone equally; that's what I’ll try.
The main point here is that I'm obviously not in completely aware of the definitions/frequencies of my words that I speak. In writing, I account for this duplicity by shrinking 4-5 pages into one. I'd like to also be in complete control of my spoken words; yet how do I do this without having to redefine thousands of words? This, I will investigate.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach multiple definitions to me as words words. I see, realize and understand that as the words I speak are of me, the multiple definitions coming up are showing me what I am accepting and allowing within/as me. I also realize that I have the responsibility to purify these words so that they are what is best for all. Within this, I commit myself to observe the definitions that come up within and as the words, and to see to it that I do not participate or create in words that are harmful to myself or others.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself speak words without first taking a breath to clear myself of personalities, so as to guardedly speak only the words/frequencies that are in the best interests of all. When and as I find myself at a point of speaking and I notice thoughts/pictures running in the background; I stop, breath and clear myself of the the backchat, before continuing on to speak or write.
- I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have the ability to purify the words I am speaking, just before speaking them. I commit myself to on a continual basis, purify all word within and as who I am, so as to become from the inside out – that which is best for all.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slowly charge personalities, and within this not realize that if I allow it, they will grow stronger and eventually show themselves as who I've accepted and allowed myself to become – from the within to the without. Herein, I commit myself to stop charging even the 'fun' personalities, and to physically have fun as the expression of me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I do not require energy as a basis to interact with others, and within this I commit myself to a process of learning how physically express myself.