Writing the same statements over and over again makes it appear as though I am making the same mistakes over and over again, which leaves me exposed as being less than I have imagined/ portrayed myself to be. So, why do still it; because (as is seen from the statement above) my ego still has a hold on me. Consciousness – the autopilot program by which I've produced an image of me has backups, and as soon as I redirect one point the backups kick in and attempt to override the new settings. Thus, I reinforce my new position/stand by rewriting it as many times as necessary and by living that which I’ve written so that it becomes my nature, a natural expression of me. It's like disassembling myself while at the same time recreating myself: from a being that feared, bowed and begged, to one that which stands and walks. Changes that I've lived for only a short time are like wet cement that's just been applied to a hole in the ceiling. Much of it may fall down; so I apply more, and I keep applying until I as that point is covered and solidified. The ceiling which is also a floor is me in the process of standing and walking through the world system to change me and the world system at the same time. Simply tearing-down the ceiling/me to build a new one is not an option because I require the use of the ceiling/floor to be able to function in this system so as to change me and the system from within. As I see it, it has to be done in such a way because I/we are the system/problem, and thus we must become the solution, re-creating ourselves from the inside out.
On another note, have almost 3 more weeks left of not working, called vacation. Yet it's not really a vacation because these days I've only been working 3 days a week anyway. I actually prefer my working weeks. This Saturday, I will go for a drive to visit some places, go camping and sit in some hot springs. Then I’ll come back and take my wife to Chayi to her father's home, for the New Year gatherings.
- I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself as ego to interfere with my process of change – my process of eliminating me as ego. I now see, realize and understand that the points where I concern myself with what others may perceive of me, are points of ego, based within/as fear. Herein, I commit myself to write/walk through these points until I have nothing more to hide.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in making the same or similar mistakes, not see, realize and understand that just as it took space-time for me to program me to act in certain ways, so to will it take space-time to remove the program and change the nature of me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself use imagination to create an image of myself, and within this not see, realize and understand that a picture is always of the past.