Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Day 76: A forgotten piece of me

It's 10:40 pm (3 days before), and I just woke up after sleeping just an hour and a half. What's interesting is that I feel/felt that I’ve slept for about 6 hours. The same thing happened to me yesterday after an afternoon nap of about the same amount of time. And as with yesterday it was a deep sleep in which I dreamed clearly. Tonight's dream was about my dad and another side of me that I haven't often considered. In the dream I’m grown, my other brothers are there and my sisters are no where to be seen. My Dad suddenly shows up on the scene and has decided to be part of our lives. He (in the dream) is a rebel, crazy kind of guy – as though he's grown up in street fights and prison. My brothers are weary of him, yet within me there is an unwavering belief that I can help him, and that's what I’m going to do... When I awoke, it occurred to me that for much of my life I had always had this unwavering belief in myself that I could help anyone/everyone and perhaps subconsciously that (when I was 7 years old) I should have helped my father (and I did try), yet I wasn't successful and my mom still kicked him out of the house, only to be seen by me once or twice after that. Over the years, I still believed that if would come back home, I’d be able to help him. He was apparently a bit schizophrenic – believing that there were bases on the moon and cities under the earth, of all things. Still, through-out the years, I’d often call him and tell him he was welcome to come back – always believing that I’d be able to straighten him out. In looking at this belief/idea of mine that I could correct/cure others, I see that I’ve for most of my life believed unwaveringly just that. I remember traveling through-out Central America through much of the 1080's often seeing myself as having healing abilities. I would see sick people, offer my assistance, look at them, diagnose them, sometimes put my hands on their wounds, tell them what to do, and be on my way. I would pass by people that I saw as unhappy or sick, send them happy/healing energies, and continue walking on. I had long forgotten about this part of my life, yet when looking back now, if I had to say whether or not I had indeed helped/cured/assisted them, I’d say that I probably did; that's the way I saw things back then – energies were unlimited and could be channeled, so why not use them for good. And as I recall, that was my only rule for that – never send harm or negative energy. Funny how this one dream suddenly recalled a side of me that somehow faded away when I came to Taiwan in 1991 when I was about 27. What if I am able to assist all; what if we are all able to assist one another, yet we just don't see/realize this ability within / as us. I'm going to explore this forgotten side of me, and rekindle it, for regardless of whether anything actually went further than my mind (and through my words and actions, the minds of others), it was a side of me that was in a way and perhaps still is absolute/certain.

  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my father leaving and me not being able to help him / convince my mom to let him stay. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in any way carry this guilt with me, as I see/realize and understand that I was not in control of the situation and certainly did not see the whole picture.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to let of and forget a side of me that was as I recall – pure in intent, and good... Within this I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to blame my wife for me changing myself to let go of a part of me, because of her pushing me to be more like a Taiwanese man, a businessman.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that nobody forced me to let go of a part of me. I was aware of it and I made a conscious decision put on a serious face and do business.
  • I commit myself to allowing myself to once again care about others/all, and within this explore what it means to care for all equally – as I care for myself.

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