It's 10:40 pm (3 days before), and I just woke up after
sleeping just an hour and a half. What's interesting is that I
feel/felt that I’ve slept for about 6 hours. The same thing
happened to me yesterday after an afternoon nap of about the same
amount of time. And as with yesterday it was a deep sleep in which I
dreamed clearly. Tonight's dream was about my dad and another side of
me that I haven't often considered. In the dream I’m grown, my
other brothers are there and my sisters are no where to be seen. My
Dad suddenly shows up on the scene and has decided to be part of our
lives. He (in the dream) is a rebel, crazy kind of guy – as though
he's grown up in street fights and prison. My brothers are weary of
him, yet within me there is an unwavering belief that I can help him,
and that's what I’m going to do... When I awoke, it occurred to
me that for much of my life I had always had this unwavering belief
in myself that I could help anyone/everyone and perhaps
subconsciously that (when I was 7 years old) I should have helped my
father (and I did try), yet I wasn't successful and my mom still
kicked him out of the house, only to be seen by me once or twice
after that. Over the years, I still believed that if would come back
home, I’d be able to help him. He was apparently a bit
schizophrenic – believing that there were bases on the moon and
cities under the earth, of all things. Still, through-out the years,
I’d often call him and tell him he was welcome to come back –
always believing that I’d be able to straighten him out. In looking
at this belief/idea of mine that I could correct/cure others, I see
that I’ve for most of my life believed unwaveringly just that. I
remember traveling through-out Central America through much of the
1080's often seeing myself as having healing abilities. I would see
sick people, offer my assistance, look at them, diagnose them,
sometimes put my hands on their wounds, tell them what to do, and be
on my way. I would pass by people that I saw as unhappy or sick, send
them happy/healing energies, and continue walking on. I had long
forgotten about this part of my life, yet when looking back now, if I
had to say whether or not I had indeed helped/cured/assisted them,
I’d say that I probably did; that's the way I saw things back then
– energies were unlimited and could be channeled, so why not use
them for good. And as I recall, that was my only rule for that –
never send harm or negative energy. Funny how this one dream suddenly
recalled a side of me that somehow faded away when I came to Taiwan
in 1991 when I was about 27. What if I am able to assist all; what if
we are all able to assist one another, yet we just don't see/realize
this ability within / as us. I'm going to explore this forgotten side
of me, and rekindle it, for regardless of whether anything actually
went further than my mind (and through my words and actions, the
minds of others), it was a side of me that was in a way and perhaps
still is absolute/certain.
- I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my father leaving and me not being able to help him / convince my mom to let him stay. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in any way carry this guilt with me, as I see/realize and understand that I was not in control of the situation and certainly did not see the whole picture.
- I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to let of and forget a side of me that was as I recall – pure in intent, and good... Within this I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to blame my wife for me changing myself to let go of a part of me, because of her pushing me to be more like a Taiwanese man, a businessman.
- I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that nobody forced me to let go of a part of me. I was aware of it and I made a conscious decision put on a serious face and do business.
- I commit myself to allowing myself to once again care about others/all, and within this explore what it means to care for all equally – as I care for myself.
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