I wrote a quite a bit today: technical stuff – theories/hypotheses; the kind of stuff I enjoy studying and writing about. It's weird because I’m starting to wonder where this enthusiasm for this kind of studying and writing comes from. Until I started exploring myself and existence – what is here, about 5-6 years ago, subjects such as quantum physics, existentialism, psychology, the mind/beingness/physical embodiment – the mind consciousness system, etc., were very far from that which I considered worthy of my short attention span. Nowadays, however I enjoy spending 8 plus hours a day absorbing this kind of information and writing about it. The dilemma is that in focusing on the technical kind of stuff I sometimes neglect to write out that which I react to. So, here's some of that.
This morning I got up early to do some writing and investigate whether I could find usable tests for the subjects I’m teaching. My wife was on another computer which was using bandwidth and slowing down my search for the material I was looking for. She for the most part stays up at night and sleeps during the day. What I realize is that she and I, as with me and almost everyone else I know don't really communicate; that's it. I live in a world where, in terms of the words I use, except when someone reads what I write, I don't really communicate what's going on inside of me. I communicate with children very effectively as I see it, yet not so much in words. To be honest, the only people that I do communicate with in my reality are children – my students, and I am thankful for them. Anyway, I would really enjoy communicating more with people, especially my wife. The thing is, no one seems to want to communicate with me on the topics that I find interesting and important. Basically, I feel/see myself moving further and further away from the few people that I used to be close to, and it's not them, it's me. It's sometimes a bit uncomfortable, yet there is within me no question / no uncertainty as to my commitment to remain on this path of self discovery/revelation. The thing about communicating here in Taiwan is that I have to do almost all of it in Mandarin and as such, much is lost in translation because of my proficiency level. I have a theory on how I might quickly raise that level, but the last time played with such a method I got mixed results – another story. I could go back to the USA and communicate with people there; that was my original plan for a long time. The way I see the US is it's in the process of being divided into penal areas – forced labor sectors, and sectors for the privileged/elite. This or whatever transformation it is in, has been taking place over some time and is now increasing in pace. The prison system has be incorporated, walls have erected on the borders, FEMA, Homeland security... I wrote about this five years ago, and sent warning emails out to everyone I knew. Short of some sort of heavenly intervention, I don't see the steamroller slowing down. That's the reason I haven't wanted to return to the US. Yet, there I wouldn’t have “any” problems communicating. Perhaps, that's where I’ll be.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder where my interest in studying and writing about myself and existence comes from, and within this not see that perhaps this self-directed interest or interest within and as the nature of my beingness. In all cases I commit myself to continue my investigations and to not accept and allow myself to fall into the trap of self doubt – such as I am unworthy of investigating and writing on such issues. I see/realize and understand that learning/understanding is a process in which one arrives at understand through directing self to get there.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my writings on self, in favor writing or studying that which I consider more fun, and within this I see/realize and understand that by neglecting writing on self I am giving into resistance. Thus I commit myself to write -even if it's just a little, every day about how I experienced my day. Simple solution.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to communicate more with others and within this I see/realize and understand that my desire to communicate with others is of fear – me as ego wanting attention, support... Thus I commit myself to not allow myself to go into energy mode of highs and lows based on interacting / or not with others, as I realize that the feelings that I feel are not real, but simply changes in energy levels.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to state that no one seems to want to communicate with me, and within this not realize that in such a statement I am just blaming others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for me not communicating with others... because...