Day 5

Today, I spent most of my time studying material that comes from/through the Desteni website. These days mostly I'm focused on the Blogs: Heaven's Journey to Life, Earth's Journey to Life, and Creation's Journey to Life. It's the most real/practical stuff that I’ve studied in this life. I've never been caught up with it, but I do have this theory: once a being is standing as oneness and equality, he/she ought to be able to access it in quantum time; and that would save a lot of time. I remember/recognize the feeling that I had quite often (especially when I was much younger) of realizing that there were so many unanswered questions, and that the projected mainstream answers just didn't add up. I didn't accept that we weren't supposed to know; I wanted to know, and now I am getting those answers – in the form of knowledge and information. So, now it's really just a question of applying that which I know / am not, so as to be/become.

I also understand why so many (on a certain level) don't want to know/see/acknowledge the ugliness of this world, and I don't blame, judge, or feel anything regarding this – except sometimes, a loneliness. Today, there was a stirring like a movement from somewhere within me, a physical sensation in the solar plexus, like awe and ominous combined – a what have I gotten myself into bottomless pit /rabbit hole opening up. What did I expect: The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth is all I’ve ever sought... and an adventure along the way. So, I will keep reading and writing, as I realize that time is of the Essence. Once again I’m left thinking: “I've gotta do more self-forgiveness; self-forgiveness, self-forgiveness...” But I don't seem to find very much. It's just seems to come out here and there. I bet there's a lot of material stashed away in my sub-conscious, which I’d really like to get to because the stuff I’m spitting out on the conscious level is getting repetitive.

• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I just have to write more self-forgiveness, self-forgiveness, self-forgiveness... because that's what I see others writing, and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is 'my' process that I’m walking by myself; it is for me to realize me.
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of loss of ignorance = no more excuses for inaction. Within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that ignorance of the 'cause' of abuse has never been and never will be a valid excuse to accept and allow the abuse.
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be moved by sounds from the TV, of a woman crying, as though that sound has more weight/importance than other sounds and as such, is OK to internally react to. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that by allowing myself to react / be moved by projected sounds, pictures, etc., I am abdicating my self-directed principle as life, to that of a mind consciousness-system programmed response.
• Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that all sounds are of of life, but not all sounds are representative of life as in oneness and equality.
  
  

I see, realize and understand that the paths to each 'me' are not the same, and they must be traveled alone. Thus, I commit myself to continue walking and not to participate in fear/uncertainty of whether I’m doing something wright or wrong (in terms of methodology), but instead focus only on the question, is it in line with what's best for all.