Saturday, July 7, 2012

Day 4


It's still difficult/painful to walk. The left ankle is still swollen, and the left side of the lower back pains. I see it as the process of healing – I as the physical making adjustments. It's already Saturday and I don't know where the week went. Still haven't started working / making money – I haven't been looking for work. I'll work when I see the meed to make money or when a nearby opportunity arises. I appreciate having the time to study and write, focus my attention on my process, absorbing the information, understanding a point here and there – perhaps about one a day. I'm directing myself as though time is short, but I wouldn't say that I’m in a hurry. I'm still waking up in the morning, participating in the last dream; it's interesting how the mind works. I'm still participating in too many thoughts – justifying them. I wonder why others (in their Blogs) write so many self-forgiveness on one point, and I just seem to condense them into 3-4. Is it that I write the way my mind operates – going from point A to point G, or is that I'm just not seeing the points in between; we'll see.

I spent all that time, 10 months of the last year seeing to it that I was somewhere else other then home. Even when I could clearly see that nothing changed just by being in a different location, I still felt compelled to move. Only after reading to certain point in the Heaven's Journey to Life Blog, did I come to understand what I was searching for – the why I've so often been compelled to physically move / travel to another location each time throughout my life that I experienced emptiness. It's always been the search for reward – the “more” or positive-energy experience instigated by me as mind whenever I began to experience myself as neutral, leading to the “less” or negative-energy experience of me. It's always been me as mind moving forward to consume physicality/substance to transform into energy, so as to return me as mind to a state of positive-energy experience – my reward. Since reading that and realizing what that emptiness represented, I’m now quite thankful to remain just where I am – here. The questions remains: have I as the relationship between mind and physical changed, or have I as mind simply recharged and am thus content to stay in one place.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about the relationships that I’ve participated in, and that there's so much I would like to explain/teach to others, as if they've ever been able or even willing to hear me. And so, as I walk further into the darkness of knowledge and information-applied, to see, realize and begin to understand, I walk away from my relationships that once defined me, and those I once though I knew. One thing of which I am certain is that I'll never assist anyone least of all myself, from the perspective of participating in the lie under the guise of eliminating it. Stand and walk!
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to upon waking, once again place attention-on / hold on to / think about the dream, and in this not see the part where I’m activating me as mind.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to upon waking, immediately check / stop myself from activating as mind, then move/direct me in and as the physical to get out of bed and begin the day, constantly aware and continuously checking that I am here with each breath.
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat: “I should be working and making money,” and within this not see that this is a pattern/trap of ego motivated to by fear/survival, desire to have more.
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attempt to manipulate me into visiting acquaintances, justified by the possibility of talking sense into them, and within this not realize that the time for talking to them has past; they have not heard my words, but perhaps one day they will see them as me.
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to   
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