Waiting for Relations to change my Relations

Over the last several years or so I have implemented to live a kind of change, but it's been more of a method's change in relation to my current relations without so much changing the types of relationships in which I participate. In other words, when I look into me, I see that I have changed internally and externally in relation to what I relate to; however; I have not yet expanded my relationships that much beyond my comfort zone of certain types of people in certain locations within the system.

I see in me that I am becoming the man that I care to be in relation to that which I relate; however, I also realize that I have been stagnating when it comes to expanding into new kinds of relations. It's like I have been waiting for clarity, a sign saying “move this way to the next phase of change” or “this point here - in the external reality - is now important to write right.”

Waiting, waiting, waiting for the opportunity or sign to arrive, I have kind of trapped myself into believing that opportunities will arise from my internal and external change me in relation to my external reality instead of me directing me to take the next step to physically walk into the darkness of ever new environments so to expand me as the doors of opportunity that I have not yet seen or created. 

I don't yet see what the next best step for me is, and I guess this because I have not yet taken it by stepping into the unseen, the darkness. Some call this next step, faith; however, I am certain that it is simply a point of self-trust, me understanding that wherever I step or misstep, I will determine who I am.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for opportunity until I felt ready to face new opportunities instead of moving me to opportunity as I change me, creating me as the opportunity.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up in the morning and look into imagination of the day for opportunities, and (in not seeing anything new) resign myself to make the best of my current situation instead of physically moving me into and as new relations so to the new opportunities.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to expand me is to once again step out of my current situation, now one of comfort and security, and move myself into points that I have defined as vulnerability.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define vulnerability as being in the danger zone instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the process of stepping into and exposing myself to that which I do not yet understand is the process of understanding new points of me. When and as I find myself at the point or cusp of stepping into and as uncertainty of expanding me to new horizons of unseen risks and opportunity to expand me, I commit myself to step into the darkness, face the fear and walk.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my current relations are of my determination instead of realizing that my current relations have been me taking the path of least resistance. Herein, I commit myself to expand me in relation to others by walking into new situations, especially those which I have imagined to be too time consuming, so to physically understand these points instead of simply imagining them.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to maintain relations mostly with those whom I have found to be the easiest for me to relate to instead of challenging me to constantly and continuously expand me in relation to all, especially those whom I have defined as superior higher in the system and/or difficult for me to relate to them.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto others the point of “them” being difficult to relate to instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this point of difficulty is within and as me and therefore my responsibility alone.
• I commit myself to walk to other types of people (those who I have in the past not related to very much), and begin the process of expanding my relations with them.

Redefining my relation to Ants

What a pain in the ass they can be to me, lol. I left my apartment for three days, and when I returned, there they were, nesting in some tubing surrounding a doorway next to the kitchen-sink. 

Ever time I did anything with food, it was as though an alarm had sounded “Food! Food! Food!” I ended-up killing many of them even though I often tried not to. It was as though they understood the risks; yet still they proceeded to place themselves in harm's way. I wondered what would make any living creature sacrifice their lives in search of food so to care for their community.

One day, I blocked their entrance with an extremely hot chili pepper, and they didn't come out for a while. Then I wondered how I would feel, trapped inside with no way out; so I removed the chili pepper and decided to try another way. Perhaps, I thought, we humans and ants could live together in cooperation the way I have so often written of humans  coexisting in harmony with all life. So I said to the ants: “Let's make a deal. I don't mind having you around the house here and there; it's having you guys on the countertop chasing my food every time a little bit drops. So how about we compromise? Every day, I'll place some food next to your entrance, which you can take inside to store for winter. In return, I simply ask that you stay off of my countertop.”

Upon placing the first bits of food next to their entrance way, I immediately began to notice the difference. Whereas before, there were usually hundreds of little ants roaming around the counter-top and on the floor, now there were more like a dozen or so. Ten days into my experiment of cooperation instead of confrontation, and it was as though the ants and I had come to an understanding.

I wondered: did they understand the words that I spoke; how could possible know? The only point in regards to them of which I am certain is that, as their survival needs are being met, they now rarely cross paths with me. In fact, except for when I place food at their entrance, I rarely see more than two or three of them at a time. They come out to get their food and take it in, and that's that.

Two weeks on, and my experiment in cooperation has produced gratifying results. I no longer feel like a monster for killing living creatures that are just trying to survive. Instead, I share extremely tiny bits of food with them, and for this, I no longer require to protect my food on the countertop from them. I enjoy coexisting with and caring for them even to the point of considering what nutrients they may require to sustain themselves through winter until spring time.

Some may say that in supporting the ants, I am encouraging them to stay. To this I would reply, “So what? In this case, they do no harm unto me.”