Authority and the Battle Within

It seems to be a thing with me, so much so that I’m beginning to think it must be me. Authority figures, I’ve never appreciated them, nor even liked them. I’ve feared them and avoided them. I even threw eggs at their cars and then ran away. I wish they would just leave me alone, but they’re not gonna leave me alone, are they?  Yea, I’m mad, a madman. I don’t remember when I wasn’t and I can only imagine what it’s like not to be one.

I have skills and the desire to use them, especially when it comes to using words. This makes me a useful commodity to have around at institutions that want to enter and win contests such as those that call for the use of targeted words. I have also realized that, these words can be targeted towards another for the purpose of causing harm. However, a more in depth analysis into the actual harm caused by using words in such a way (as swords) reveals that the one wielding the pen as the sword will always end up paying the real price. Thus, I write to look into me to see where it is that I as my words are not standing equal with my deeds.

The story is the same: I get asked to participate in writing materials; I agree to write to an extent and then, more jobs get piled onto my back. I attempt to back out of some of the work and then they say, “no, you already agreed.” Yes, but that was before more work was piled onto me, I reply, but it’s too late. It’s a conundrum for me, because it seems that the more one volunteer to do, the more one is forced to do. It seems that, the more you give, the more they will demand. Thus, those that give nothing at all, have very little demanded of them, but they get paid the same amount as I. This is another one of my problems, but it’s not really about money.

In a recent email exchange, email I stated that I would do one more. To that, they replied, “OK, but if we can’t find anyone else to do the other, you’re responsible.” I’m thinking to myself time, time and time again, it heals really nothing at all.

Actually, I am healing, but there seems to be a sore within me that never gets fully cleansed. Sometimes, I bite off more than I can chew, so, what the hell am I going to do. Nothing left to do, but attempt to explain and make amends. No, wonder so many choose war over dialogue and cooperation, the ego stays fed. Even though it’s not what I desire to do, I’m going to write that email, targeting my words  at reconciliation instead of war. I’ll come back and finish this after it’s done. It’s done, but I don’t feel any better. I see that there must be a point that I’m missing, a point wherein I’m not taking complete self-responsibility.

One point is perhaps, the conditioning my sounds hidden in my words, sounding as though I’ve agreed, while actually I’ve placed-in back-doors, “legal technicalities” for me to weasel out, should I feel the need. There are lessons to be learned here and I will share them with those who will listen. I’m getting old, my eyes are not clear, but that’s not the real problem. The real problem has to do with my attachment to information and knowledge. Perhaps, I should say, the way I attach information and knowledge onto me, latching onto it as though it were real. I’ll continue this tomorrow if I remember 😶😶😶.