The Chinese say that, whatever is not resolved throughout the year is best resolved before the beginning of the New Year. That is like saying it is better to live a long life than it is to live a short life. Of course, it makes sense to resolve issues before the beginning of the New Year. It also makes sense to resolve them before the beginning of the next month, the beginning of next week or the next day. To hell with procrastinating, let’s just solve our issues before the next breath. For me, that is easier said than done. In fact, sometimes I think (oxymoronic humor) that, resolving issues is a never-ending battle in a dream that only ends with a-wake-ening. In short, as soon as I resolve one point, another one pops up; thus, I am as I began the year of the pig, still in the process of resolving me.
In looking honestly (to a degree of uncertainty) into me, I perceive and sometimes see the battle from the within to the without. Of course, I realize that the cause of the war that begins within is of energetic perceptions or illusions based on uncertainties, experienced as fear and projected outward to form my skewered perceptions of what I loosely call my reality, but this knowledge of reality does not make walking through the world system of humanity any more pleasant – just a little more bearable.
Where is all this mumbo-jumbo coming from? Energy and/or the lack thereof, of course. It is a lowly feeling of it in the pit of my stomach that just refuses to go away. In so many ways, it is a battle for control of my identity, the “who I am” in relation to my reality, which begs to question, what is reality, what is real, really? One part of me, my mind in relation to the physical sensations emanating from the pit of my stomach, reminds me that this experience is a problem, foreboding of doom and gloom that I must worry about; while another voice, my beingness (I guess) says to remain calm and stable, see the physical reality to walk through the illusions to realize that, experience is not a problem, but an opportunity for me to question, once again, who I am, and from this point, decide how I care to be, so to create me as I care to become.
Overall, as the Year of the Pig comes to an end, I am able to say honestly (for lack of anything more important to do) that, I am very thankful for the opportunity to be where I am, even though I still do not experience any happiness or joy. Why am I thankful? Because, within this opportunity, as the question in the quest to determine who I am, which = how I stand to become in relation all, I have come to realize to an extent, how I have been, which is definitely not how I ever again care to be, e.g., uncaring, irresponsible, frightened… That being said, and in the interest of getting this out of my stomach and off of my chest before the beginning of the New Year (of the Rooster), I will also state for the record that, I have come to realize that my personal experiences of hell have always originated “only” from within and as me, which is to say that, the hell cometh from out there hath no fury like the hell that cometh from myself. :)
I feel better already and although, this year seemed to be more difficult for me; in reality, I am now dealing with my issues far better than I used to. In other words, whereas, in the past I would have reacted internally in anxiety or fear to so many situations, these days I trust (myself) so much more, to the point that I am certain I will do as best I am able, which is all anyone requires doing. After all, what is the end of the year, but a new year.