I guess it wouldn't
really be a journey to life if I were to remain dishonest to myself
and others about my reality. It's certainly not boring, and there are
parts of it that are really cool, challenging ones that I often
enjoy. However, there are also times that are not so pleasant, ones
that I realize I am able to do better, when and if there is a next
time. This is one of those times that I'm writing about, right now
instead of putting it off as I used to in attempts to hide from
others my reality and sort things out in my mind.
The other afternoon, I
met my friend at the karaoke fish pond, and outdoor place to eat and
sing. Some people even fish, while I enjoy sitting outside and
watching the sun go down. Anyway, after a little while there, we
decided to go have some noodles in town. After the noodles, I agreed
to sit down in another karaoke place around the corner even though I
don't really care much for indoor places.
As my friend and I were
sitting at the table conversing, a very intoxicated man came over,
sat down and began talking. I was not annoyed; yet I was also not
interested in catering to this man. After a while, after me having to
physically keep this man from invading my personal space, the
manager, an older woman managed to get the guy out of her place. My
friend told me that the guy was OK and that he was just drunk;
however, I disagreed, perhaps because I saw something different in
his eyes.
After about 15 minutes,
the man returned and I basically ignored him – other than to make
sure that he didn't get close enough to me to cause me a problem.
Unfortunately, I guess my friend wasn't considering this person the
way I was. I wasn't watching them directly, yet I could clearly see
them. The man was standing with a glass cup in his hand, and then
very rapidly he smashed it on my friend's head.
In the next moment, a
split second, I was up, and within three seconds, that man was on his
back on the floor in a choke hold. By my calculations, as I counted
it as he hit the floor, it was three seconds, and as I looked at him,
I thought to myself, why did I take that long?
Yes, this was my first
thought or consideration, and then as people were pulling me off of
him, as I was looking the whole situation and telling them that I
didn't have a problem (meaning that I wasn't intent harming him), I
also realized that I really wasn't upset, my heart rate was only
slightly above normal. However, I also realized that part of me,
perhaps the nature of me felt quite comfortable the situation.
The points wherein I see
that I have changed or am changing are: first, I didn't react in fear
and anger, I responded with clear intent to simply quickly subdue
him. Secondly, other than doing what was required of me to subdue
him, I was not intent on harming him, and I didn't.
There is however, the
point of me not preventing the entire incident. Specifically,
earlier, as the man was staring at me, I had looked back very closely
into his eyes and although I didn't define it at the time as
possession, I saw it and responded by making certain that there was a
distance between me and him. I did this for myself; yet clearly I
didn't do enough to make my friend understand the possible dangers
associated with that man in a state of possession. Herein this
understanding, I forgive myself for my errors, and I write self
corrective statements so to better direct such situations in the
future.
- I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to react to a drunken man as an inconvenience instead of immediately seeing where I was able to assist him and all involved so to not let the situation erode into disharmony.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to internalize self-protective considerations of my behavior in regards to heightened risks of danger without fully communicating these heightened risks to my friends and others around me.
- I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge me as being slower than I should have been in responding to a violent situation.
- I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to remain self-aware of my surroundings – the physical space between me and a threat – while not fully informing or instructing others to do the same.
- When and as I find myself facing a point of a possessed person or people within and as my physical surroundings, I commit myself to first stabilize me so to completely assess the situation (with the intent of establishing and/or maintaining as high a degree of harmony as possible), and to inform others who will listen of my considerations of the risks of danger and behavioral changes that one might consider implementing so to lessen the risk of harm.
- When/as/if I find myself at the point of no option but to physically interact with someone, I commit myself to do-so from the point of responding with the intent of defusing the situation.
- When and as I find myself at the point of maintaining physical space between me and a threat, I commit myself to communicate/instruct others as I would ask others to do for me.
I see some change
within/as me, I have changed somewhat. I now harbor less fear, and
herein, I would say that am less likely to harm others within and as
threatening situations. I realize that, wishing that I had simply
assisted that man – as I am able – does not change what happened
to my friend and what may result through legal actions directed at
that man by my friend. However, I do now see, realize and understand
that ignoring – as though it's nothing more than an inconvenience –
is not an option when it comes to people in states of possession.
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