I guess it wouldn't really be a journey to life if I were to remain dishonest to myself and others about my reality. It's certainly not boring, and there are parts of it that are really cool, challenging ones that I often enjoy. However, there are also times that are not so pleasant, ones that I realize I am able to do better, when and if there is a next time. This is one of those times that I'm writing about, right now instead of putting it off as I used to in attempts to hide from others my reality and sort things out in my mind.
The other afternoon, I met my friend at the karaoke fish pond, and outdoor place to eat and sing. Some people even fish, while I enjoy sitting outside and watching the sun go down. Anyway, after a little while there, we decided to go have some noodles in town. After the noodles, I agreed to sit down in another karaoke place around the corner even though I don't really care much for indoor places.
As my friend and I were sitting at the table conversing, a very intoxicated man came over, sat down and began talking. I was not annoyed; yet I was also not interested in catering to this man. After a while, after me having to physically keep this man from invading my personal space, the manager, an older woman managed to get the guy out of her place. My friend told me that the guy was OK and that he was just drunk; however, I disagreed, perhaps because I saw something different in his eyes.
After about 15 minutes, the man returned and I basically ignored him – other than to make sure that he didn't get close enough to me to cause me a problem. Unfortunately, I guess my friend wasn't considering this person the way I was. I wasn't watching them directly, yet I could clearly see them. The man was standing with a glass cup in his hand, and then very rapidly he smashed it on my friend's head.
In the next moment, a split second, I was up, and within three seconds, that man was on his back on the floor in a choke hold. By my calculations, as I counted it as he hit the floor, it was three seconds, and as I looked at him, I thought to myself, why did I take that long?
Yes, this was my first thought or consideration, and then as people were pulling me off of him, as I was looking the whole situation and telling them that I didn't have a problem (meaning that I wasn't intent harming him), I also realized that I really wasn't upset, my heart rate was only slightly above normal. However, I also realized that part of me, perhaps the nature of me felt quite comfortable the situation.
The points wherein I see that I have changed or am changing are: first, I didn't react in fear and anger, I responded with clear intent to simply quickly subdue him. Secondly, other than doing what was required of me to subdue him, I was not intent on harming him, and I didn't.
There is however, the point of me not preventing the entire incident. Specifically, earlier, as the man was staring at me, I had looked back very closely into his eyes and although I didn't define it at the time as possession, I saw it and responded by making certain that there was a distance between me and him. I did this for myself; yet clearly I didn't do enough to make my friend understand the possible dangers associated with that man in a state of possession. Herein this understanding, I forgive myself for my errors, and I write self corrective statements so to better direct such situations in the future.
- I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to react to a drunken man as an inconvenience instead of immediately seeing where I was able to assist him and all involved so to not let the situation erode into disharmony.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to internalize self-protective considerations of my behavior in regards to heightened risks of danger without fully communicating these heightened risks to my friends and others around me.
- I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge me as being slower than I should have been in responding to a violent situation.
- I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to remain self-aware of my surroundings – the physical space between me and a threat – while not fully informing or instructing others to do the same.
- When and as I find myself facing a point of a possessed person or people within and as my physical surroundings, I commit myself to first stabilize me so to completely assess the situation (with the intent of establishing and/or maintaining as high a degree of harmony as possible), and to inform others who will listen of my considerations of the risks of danger and behavioral changes that one might consider implementing so to lessen the risk of harm.
- When/as/if I find myself at the point of no option but to physically interact with someone, I commit myself to do-so from the point of responding with the intent of defusing the situation.
- When and as I find myself at the point of maintaining physical space between me and a threat, I commit myself to communicate/instruct others as I would ask others to do for me.
I see some change within/as me, I have changed somewhat. I now harbor less fear, and herein, I would say that am less likely to harm others within and as threatening situations. I realize that, wishing that I had simply assisted that man – as I am able – does not change what happened to my friend and what may result through legal actions directed at that man by my friend. However, I do now see, realize and understand that ignoring – as though it's nothing more than an inconvenience – is not an option when it comes to people in states of possession.