Is it the void within me that persists or is it that I resist filling the void because I fear to face that which I've avoided?
I guess there isn't that much difference between fear and avoidance - the fear of facing myself being the catalyst for avoiding myself, thus creating and maintaining a void within and as me.
The void I speak of is honest relations with others. It's a point of me that I internally fear externalizing, and although I have externally projected my fear onto others in the form of me not wanting to let 'them' get too close to me for fear of 'them' tying me down, I'm beginning to consider that perhaps there is something more to this point, this void within me, that I require to face so to stand within and fill the void.
With some I am friendly, but with others I am more kind of polite, often keeping a physical and emotional distance. Why am I not the same in relation to all? Why do I go out of my way to make it look as though I'm not interested in the ones that I really am? It's like I'll smile and joke with ones that I do not admire, but when it comes to the ones that I do admire, I pretend as though I don't.
When I look into me, I see inferiority, a fear of another having power and authority over me. Inferiority within and as me extends to both men and women unto whom I view as having traits that I value, admire and desire. In fear of another realizing my weakness, that which I admire and desire, I mask myself in a form of superiority, disinterest and/or ignorance of them, their traits that I admire and desire.
A while back, I met a woman and I guess for a moment I let my guard down, and in so doing perhaps led her to hope or believe that the two of us would be more than just acquaintances or friends. Even though I felt as though she was attempting to unilaterally jump into and fall into feelings directed at me, I avoided standing up and stating that I would not participate in such emotional relays. I thought it was because I didn't want to hurt her or because I didn't want to be mean, but really I just hoped the point would go away by itself. So I just decided to avoid facing the point, and in the end I was mean. As for the the guilt of so being, I (as I had so many times before) simply decided to once again avoid facing that part of me, until now.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the self-defined fear of hurting others, not honestly speak my thoughts to them, choosing instead to lie with half truths and occasional emotionally tainted outbursts.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate me into believing that I feared hurting another when in reality the fear of being hurt has always been of mine.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in fear of the pain of emotions, bury my emotions deep within me in avoidance of facing and discharging me as them.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotions in fear of the pain I as them experience instead of writing out and letting go of the energetic definitions that I've defined as feelings and emotion.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being friendly with others – especially ones whose traits I am attracted to – for fear of others seeing what I have defined as a weakness of mine.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define desire as a weakness that is able to be exploited in me by another in awareness of my weakness.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the secrets as the voids that I've held in me are the causes of my inferiority that I mask as superiority in fear of exposing my weaknesses.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to let go of the secrets is to fill my void of weakness by changing me from dishonesty and inferiority to integrity, thereby letting go of the fear of my weak points being exposed.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others as the cause of my fear of emotional pain instead of realizing that, as I have created the effect of emotional pain within and as me, I am the cause, and wherein I am the cause of the effect of pain, so too am I the solution to stopping the pain.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not establish closer relations with others for fear of being tied to them.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto another my fear of them thinking me inappropriate.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge points of attraction within/as me as being inappropriate instead of letting go of my self definitions in comparison of me with my perceptions of others.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to (in not wanting another to see that I appreciate and/or desire traits in them) hide my appreciation and even mask it by standing back in fear of externalizing my secrets and having another see what I have accepted and allowed inside.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of caring for others onto them instead of taking responsibility for my fears so to face them all as me and change me to equally care for all.