Round and round I go, sitting around
with nothing to do. Too much time on my hands, if only I had
something productive to do. Move myself, I say to myself, and I do, I
move, but it's still only me and a stranger sitting next to me. I
call for my friend, Happy to outside for a walk with me. She
declines, resting instead her head back on the comfortable floor. Yet when I
go downstairs and fiddle around in the car, she comes scurrying down
as to say, “Hey! I'm ready to get in, let's go.” I've sat around
enough, cleaned the house and washed the curtains, and now I too am
ready to move – somewhere, somewhere where there is a need, a use for
me. Yet I care not for the crowded city of Taipei, too much cement
for me. Not the isolated mountain-sides either, not enough company
for me. So where shall I go; perhaps Taichung – Taiping shan, it's
said to a be pretty-cool place.
Once again I feel as though I’m in
the wrong place (translation: I feel like running). It's not about
money, and it is all money, all about money. I have plenty, more than
I need, so I've said. Yet, for some it is never enough. I would
prefer to be doing something/working at least part of my time rather
than just sitting around the house, alone. I remember once reading
that one should be where there is the most opposition/difficulty –
something to that affect. And so I’ve justified my staying with the
opposite of me. I enjoy living in our big house, and in the past,
haven't so much enjoyed living in the those small ones with little to
no furniture with nobody there except for me. I do not care to return
to my old social scenes; I've been there and done that, and in the
long run, it hurt. Relationships, relationships, relationships: the
door beacons, yet I refuse to be lured into that, that sense of
security that comes about when all are just like me.
I stop writing for a while, and I read
“Creations
Journey to Life” blogs. Suddenly I am reminded that all of
these thoughts are not even me. A surge of something flows through my
entire body, and I’m back. Wondering what the hell just happened –
where have I been all day? I realize that I’ve just been lost in
energy. I laugh because it seems so petty, yet how easy it was for me
to fall again into the thoughts, feelings and emotions. I wish they
would just stop, yet I realize that only I am able to do that. I
realize that whatever I decide to do in the next week or month of
two, the only course that is sure is the path of that which is best
for all. What is best for all is for me to change me to a being that
no longer falls into energy, traps of the mind. Perhaps then I’ll
see what is best for the rest that are still lost and asleep.
- I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the situation – without the influence of energy.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my dog and wife as an excuse to not move myself. I see, realize and understand that it's not necessary to stay here, and it is not necessary to go; only that I move/direct myself here in/as that which is physical.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I don't have to stay here either; I am able to continue my process anywhere in the world.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto another, my feeling of being out of place.
- I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge another for the way the way they spend their time, and within this not see, realize and understand it's their time to sped – not mine.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate/feel and believe that I am trapped, unable to leave because I’ve attached value onto having property/security.
- I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to value property, and within this not see, realize and understand that what I value is just fear of loosing my security. I now see that my prison cell/house lies within and as the value within and as that which I have placed as being separate from me. I now realize that it is the value that I must let go of.
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