Going back to sleep
and waking up again, I see me as the mind attempting to jump in here
and there to explain to me this and advise on that – how it is,
could would and should be. As I watched for it and each time stopped
it – usually only to an extent, I realized that my mind is just me,
sometimes trying to be helpful, but mostly caught up in the fear –
wants, needs and desires, dividing and disguising, using the
conscious, subconscious and certainly the unconscious to keep even me
as the mind/being/physical relationship from seeing/realizing the
whole me. It's like having double and triple agents within and as me
(multiple personalities perhaps), manipulating each other/me behind
the scenes so as to get/have/save their pieces of the pie. Like a
mother who is afraid and so refuses to let go: every Bit of energy –
memories, thoughts, imagination, backchat, reaction, etc., is of the
starting point of Fear – wants, needs and desire to
survive/prevail. I didn't completely see the target of my most recent
manipulation before, and even if I had, it is questionable whether I
would have done very much differently.
It's that time of
year again when millions hit the road, all at same time. As for me, I
usually get away a week or so before hand when the roads are still
almost empty. During the last 4 days, I’ve remained quite stable –
not exciting nor exhausting, just breathing. I drove down with an
Australian friend to Puli, a small city in central Taiwan, met up
with a friend who was currently attending an aboriginal wedding
banquet, hung out with the local gangsters/politicians, went to the
local karaoke bar, watched a mind-demon come out in my friend,
assisted him to not hurt himself or anther, went to a barbecue
looked into some job prospects, did some sightseeing, and that was it
for the first two days. In looking back, what I note about that area
and events is that it's not the place I had imagined it to be –
kind of like, been there, done that, and it doesn't match the Idea.
Moving on to the third day: We drove more into the mountains to a
friend's hot-spring for some camping and hiking. There was a group of
60 Taekwondo high-school students for which my friend was providing
rooms and food, including roasting a whole pig, aboriginal style.
Seeing the pig staked and tied to the cross bars, I was reminded of
Jesus, us/me, and how we stake and crucify ourselves to the crosses
we ware/bare. I recalled my dream of cannibalism because the pig,
opened up and flattened-out looked almost like an human carcase with
a pig head. It wasn't a sadness that I experienced, but a realization
of the indignity that so many endure in both life and death. The pig
was and is equal and one with the flesh/dirt of the Earth, as is the
flesh of me. I watched and assisted in both the carving and eating of
the pig. It tasted lean – probably a local. What I’ve noted from
the two days/nights that we stayed there is that, 1) my friend's
alcohol-induced demon again returned, this time in what could have
more harmful consequences; and 2) that my appeal to that particular
hot-spring and others like it has always been embellished/tainted by
relationships that I’ve connected to these places.
Four days later,
after having dropped off my friend, and picked up my wife and dog, I've been staying
with my wife's family in in a small town outside of Chaiyi city,
Taiwan. It's more like a town on either side of a main road with
houses that look as though they were once inhabited by proud farmers.
Today the look and feel is as though the able bodied have gone to the
cities for work and a life away from the pesticide tainted waters,
birth defects and all that come with pesticide-dependent farming, the
uneducated quest for greater/profits/yields. Mostly we've just been
in the family-house with the TV on. The food is simple and tasty –
fun to eat, especially after I add some fresh hot-chili pepper that I
always keep on the side. The dishes that are not finished at dinner
are reassembled, recooked and served for lunch, then again for
dinner, and so on. Main activities are lunch and dinner, playing
mahjong, drinking, smoking, occasionally chewing on binlang
(betelnut), and of course watching TV. Having just eaten lunch,
sitting in front of the TV, I commented to my brother in law: “In
the past, people would get together and have fun; these days they
just watch the staged fun on TV.” Then it occurred to me that, even
when they were having fun in the past, interacting together, it was
still to an extent scripted inter-acting. Conversing, watching a
play, reading a book, playing a video game..., as long as it goes
through the mind, is part of a simulation, the product/s of
separating ourselves again and again, as in – universal
exponential-simulation, to the point where one might ask: would the
real me in all of this, please stand up. In the past, there were many
times that I sat in this same spot, bored and wanting to be somewhere
else. This time around, I was not bored, I don't do that anymore.
Instead I just kept on breathing, observing, and sometimes
participating. Overall I remained stable, which is cool because the
roller-coaster rides that I experienced in the past – of wanting to
experience something else had almost always led to the consequences
of a reality not on par with the desire/illusion. So this time
around, I stayed out of the illusions, and directed my participation
– seeing just where I was at.
I’ve always
perceived my wife and in-laws – such an appropriate word, as being
quite traditional, only speaking when there is pertinent information
to convey, such as “it's time for dinner, who's going to play
mahjong, and so on.” Like most people in my reality, I have little
to no idea who they really are or what they are thinking, and these
days I don't even try to guess, which is cool because it shows me (in
comparison to how I’ve been) that I am letting go of many of the
definitions/illusions that I used to carry along within/as me.
Usually on the second or third day at the latest (at the family
house), I would have found a way to get out of there, go camping,
party with friends, etc. This time around, I/we stayed for a full
four days because I realized that wherever I go, it's always just
going to be me that I have to deal with. And within this
understanding, I've come to see more clearly where it is that I am
standing, sliding and stalling, and my level of awareness which is
the status of my process of peeling off the layers of me to manifest
me into a new being.
I've written this
over the course of about two weeks, adding, editing, deleting..., and
what I've realized is that I have been diligent in
stopping/curtailing thoughts, and thus have enjoyed occasional
moments. Yet, it was only after I returned home and listened to an
Anu interview called, “Deliberately
Sabotaging my own process,” that I started seeing some of the
finer points of my self-manipulation that slipped by. During and
before this New Year Time, I had been focused on the question of: to
drink or not drink alcohol. I chose to do both within moderation,
observation and self-direction, which worked and it didn't work. It
worked in that I did just sip wine and or drink beer in moderation,
yet it didn't work in that I had missed the point – the point of
trying to hang on to non-supportive relationships, hoping that I
could turn around and reassembled into something supportive – part
of the new.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as apathy to change – defined as stubbornness, believing/hoping that I might change parts of me while at the same time, keeping other parts to me (as in selective relationships) the same. I now see, realize and understand that relationships that are based on fulfilling a want/need/desire/experience instead of on what is best for all, will only prolong this process that I am walking. Perhaps, change is like truth; there is only One and for that to be it must apply equally to all parts of me.
- I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to decide on a course of action, and instead of writing it out and examining it, kept it to myself. In this particular case, I had decided I would entertain the traditional/annual Chinese New Year relationships, and see how changed the new me was/is. The conclusion is that my change is progressing, yet still incomplete. Within this I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my much of my motivation within all of this was simply, to entertain myself.
- I forgive my that I had accepted and allowed myself to use holidays as an excuse to entertain myself, instead of simply/honestly stating my intentions.
- I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what I was experiencing was energy – wants and desires of personalities activating and energizing, and within this that I allowed myself to miss the point of relationships – how they function within/as personalities/mind.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I would be able to control an alcohol-induced mind demon in my friend, and within this not see, realize and understand the prevailing danger posed by a mind gone physical. I now realize that being around drunken suppressed minds poses substantial risks, and I realize that prevention is probably the easiest form of assistance for all involved.
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