Sunday, October 14, 2012

Day 58: Fear - of not being in control, continued

I'm continuing with yesterday's post on fear of losing control. The goal of this writing is to place before me a path of principled living on which I may direct me in this and other endeavors. Last night it occurred to me that tomorrow is a chance for me – as in to change from experiencing me as fear within/as the mind, of not being in control – or losing control of my employment position, to expressing me as self-directed principled living within/as what is best for all. In this case, I am only certain that what is best for all is for me to be self-honest. As I do not see the current outflows of decisions I have yet to enact, I am left with a question mark regarding how my decisions will affect me within the world system, and this is a chance I must be willing to take – on the path to self trust. I have decided that I am OK continuing working within the conditions of being paid (less money), i.e., being paid only for the time that I am in the classroom. However, I will not accept that I must work without pay, e.g., writing four mid-term exams and four mid-term practice exams, a twelve or more-hours task. These are the points that in being self-honest and honest with others, that I will make clear to the principle of this school, tomorrow. I don't know what his response will be, yet I do understand that it may be, “Fine, we don't need you anymore,” and once again I may be without a job, so what's new. What's new will be that either way, I will be certain that I have walked within self-honesty, faced the fear of getting fired (I'm not going to quit), and from there I’ll direct myself accordingly. For to be without fear is to walk without fear – stand and face my fears and walk on. Last night, I had thoughts of recording my conversation with the boss in the chance that he might say, “If you don't do the free work, then you can't have the paid work” which would probably be illegal on his part. And then I imagined that I could use my legal talents to demonstrate what happens when you mess with me, i.e., set the mind-monster free to consume. Not this time or ever again, I've been that path before. I thought I was going to have more to write/say. Actually there is more to write: My wife and I have enough physical assets to cash-in and probably live without working for the next twenty-years. Just by selling the house we live in we could buy a house in the country and probably not have to work for another ten years. We have have more non-cash assets than 93% of the people in this world do, cars, motor-scooters  computers, TVs... Yet here I am worrying and sometimes struggling just to make sure we don't lose that position of having more than almost all the rest. It was easy when I had nothing but a backpack, things were clear. Now I just want to let go of the possessions that possess me, work because it's fun and or because I have reason in-line with what is best for all. I have a place to sleep, plenty to eat. When I first read about an equal money system, I didn't even have to think twice about it. I would gladly give up “all” of my possessions to be part of an equality system, and no longer be possessed/burdened by my possessions. Unfortunately changes must be walked, and for now – work within the system we must. I've ran away before, looking for more, but found only the same. Perhaps this time I will work for less so as to keep what I have, so as to work within the system so as to change me / change it... On a final note for this post: I just called a friend that I used to work with who is now with another friend that I’ve also worked with, and he says that the school where they are now working – about an hour and a half away on the east coast, is looking for a full time teacher. In other words, I’m putting checking out alternative working possibilities.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a job because I really fear my wife nagging me to go get a job. and within this “fear” not realize that I have defined myself as in having or not having a job / being nagged or not being nagged, all within the fear of losing the security which I perceive I have – based on having an amount of money that is much more than most have or will ever have. Within this I see/realize and understand that my fear not-having is really the fear of losing and being seen as losing or having lost what I have. That's why I want to move to the country – so I can live amongst those who don't judge themselves by their possessions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on a starting point of having possessions and maintaining what I have. I see/realize and understand that the confusion in and as me is me as the mind, and within I commit myself to continue walking this path of understanding the design of me as the mind consciousness system, writing, self-forgiveness and self corrective statements, and walking the corrective statements.
  • In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on how much money I am or am not making, and within this I commit myself to do what it takes to continue to survive in this system so as to change the system as I realize that if I and others in positions such as me don't change the system, who will.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future, and in fearing the future, attempt/desire to hold onto the perceived security of that which I have no control of. Within this I see/realize and understand that there is no security/safety in this world system of non-equality; I have only self-trust that I will remain here in breath with what is real. Within this I commit myself to whatever happens, remain stable in breath, not allowing/participating in the energies of the mind. I realize that safety and security are the definitions of the mind as in having money/energy in the safe. However, real security is within and as self-trust / understanding that I am not defined by the energetic illusions of a mind-fearing that it will not have or have less than before.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to keep what I have as though a house, money and car are who I am, and within this not see that I have become possessed by my own possessions letting fear of losing them guide me to rebel against even having them. Within this I commit myself to not allow the ego to get in the way of doing what I must do to remain viable in this system, so as to continue to this process of walking out of the mind-cell and re-birthing myself as life in the physical.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting not having a job and within this not see that I really just don't care to have to go look for another job. I see/realize and understand that I am only able to control me and the situation in which I am at any moment currently involved. Within this I commit myself to do just that – control the situation in/as breath in the moment.

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