Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Day 36

I still harbor fear – as the basis of wants, desires, etc., yet far less of it than when I first began this process. Tonight, for example when walking in the park at 2:00 am, I noticed that was doing so without the security routine that I (up until not that long ago) used to strictly enforce. Usually about every 30-60 seconds (based on an estimate of how long it would take for someone running from the nearest hiding place to reach me), I would scan my surroundings. I've changed quite a bit in the last 4 years, and based on my writings, I can trace most if not all of these changes back to my movement/consideration/experimentation in the direction of a decision to stand for/as what is best for all, equality and oneness. I'm doing this for me because this is who I choose to be – that which stands for/as what is best for all – everything, all inclusive. Hopes, I have a few; beliefs, I have none, and certainties, only one. My biggest struggle is still with stopping the inner system while at the same time directing myself to walk within the world-system. In other words, whereas the mind used to decide in quantum-time the procedures for walking systematic endeavors (to my advantage), I’m now beginning to do this is space-time in the physical in accordance with the factor of what is best for all. Still, I often catch myself automatically jumping to the mind, not seeing that this “automation” is the limitation. The mind throws up possibilities that may or may not be correct. It's like quantum physics: the infinite possibilities are always there, yet until/unless one is realized/manifested, it's only just a possibility within infinity. Sometimes I see myself making lots of progress, and other times it's like a rope is holding me back – like now.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have run out of points to write about, and that for me find more points I need to look into the subconscious. I see/realize and understand that I still have points to write about, yet as I have written on them before, I feel self-conscious about writing about them again.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize and understand that some points require more in depth writing to bring out and let go of.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that the most in depth points are brought out only during transitional moments, often accompanied with emotional turmoil in which I have the opportunity to transcend that point right there.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something separate from me that could hold me back, slow me down. I realize that the only thing slowing me down is me. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for something to happen, before I move myself.
  • I commit myself to stop waiting for the future to arrive, and move myself now, because I realize that only I move me.
  • Additionally, I commit myself to begin writing out the petty stuff.

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