I see now that my desire to stay home (easy, comfortable, safe) and not work, but write, study and basically just focus on my process is kind of like me wanting to learn to ride a bicycle without having to actually get on the bike and ride. Regarding work, I see that it is necessary for me to jump back into the system / game-of employees dealing with employers, employers dealing with workers, etc., because I won't learn to walk within the system but not be of the system, from outside the system – sitting at home on my butt. So here we go again. I as mind understand very well how to walk through the system; it is now for me to do it without the mind. I've been on both sides of the fence, and it kind of sucks from both perspectives because there's rarely honesty and equality within the relationships between employees and employers. It's neither side's fault, it's just the way the system is designed – the more one gets, the less the other gets; it's a tug of war. Honestly, I don't enjoy playing the game, but it's currently necessary. Last week I went for an interview and did demo. I told the bosses (two sisters) that I only wanted block hours. They said to come back on Tuesday, they would give me schedule and we would discuss it. So I went there today/Tuesday and a worker handed me a very one-sided schedule. Thus, if I choose to work there and get paid what is fair pay for this market, I'll have to negotiate – play the game of tug of war / give and take. I have lots of alternatives, which pay a lot more, but they require traveling and or relocating, and I've decided to stay home for a while. I really just want to work 10-20 hours per week, walk into a classroom full of kids, have fun/teach, and go home and do my thing. Either way, I will do what is necessary to be done. One of the cool things about being in process is that I've already dropped much of that unnecessary baggage associated with feelings, pride, etc., so that for me it's just a question of doing what currently needs to be done to effectively support myself and my obligations. Actually, as soon as I was given a not such a great schedule by this one school, I sent my resume to another school. So I will start working at the one school (with the clear statement of non commitment), while at the same time, checking out other schools. A part of me doesn't care to have to play this game – so as to at least get average pay, and then there's a part of me sees it as kind of exciting. Which brings me to another topic, stopping the mind.
Regarding the Mind
It has occurred to me (again) why perhaps it has been so difficult for me to stop even my conscious mind. I've been seeing it as me as the physical forcing the stop, and in doing so, me standing. The problem with this is that, as the mind is a force moving forward, stopping that force requires an equal and opposite force. Certainty the physical as life may be that force, but is that what Life is supposed to be, an opposing force? Not the way I see it. I as the physical do not need to stop a force; that would require force. I need only be here in and as breath, aware of the breaths as me. This in not an opposing force, it is a state of being. Thus, I do not require to force anything, only to be here as a state of being, being, 100% aware of my breathing, and ignoring 100% of that which comes from and of the mind. If it's not 100%, then to door is always there just waiting for the mind to burst through and strike. In other words, I realize that it's time for me to actually start doing it – being / going for the 100% awareness of breath. And it's cool being able to practice this in aspects of working in the system that I don't consider to be big issues.
Regarding my Writing
I've been noticing some resistance – difficulty in deciding what to write about, including whether to write about external subjects or the internal/external me. What I’ve been doing is looking at some of these other blogs, and seeing how loads of stuff just seems to come pouring through, and then sitting down at the computer and trying to emulate it. It hasn't worked, and I’m not sure why, but it's probably because I’m trying to be someone – in my writing, that I’m not. So, I’m not going to try to emulate what others are doing; I’m just going to write with the flow, so to speak. And yes, that includes writing that doesn't always present an external problem and then provide a solution to it. But it will certainly present me – and here, the writing is a step in and as the solution. So, the basic point that I wanted to get across regarding writing, is that, for now I’m going to take it back to simplicity – stick with writing myself out in a way in which the words flow and perhaps sing. I also enjoy writing persuasive political stuff, and will continue to sometimes do that, for practice.
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to stay home and just focus on studying, writing and not participating in the mind, and within this not see/realize that it's not about stopping the mind through meditation; it's about stopping the mind through not participating in it, while at the same time being able to walk/function in the current system. Thus, I see/realize and understand the my current placement within the system is an excellent opportunity/gift for me to practice walking “physically – without the mind,” in and through the system.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view the system from a perspective of “it sucks,” thus blaming the business aspect of the English teaching system in Taiwan as the reason for me not wanting to search for a job. I see realize and understand that me not wanting to look for a job is me wanting to be handed something, rather than going to get it myself.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put conditions on my working, and within this limit myself before I’ve even had a chance to see what some schools have to offer. I realize that the best way to place myself in a working environment that I’m going to enjoy, is try some of them out and stick with the ones I choose.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I needed to force-stop the mind, instead realizing that it's really just about being 100% aware of each breath. I see/realize and understand that stopping my participation in the mind is to be 100% aware of the breaths as me, throughout my day.
- I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to (somewhere along the line) come to believe that I was supposed to write a certain way. I realize that as far as writhing goes, I must find/write my own way. Thus, the way I’ve created me is the way I’ll write.
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to being given a teaching schedule that isn't to my liking – as though it's an inconvenience to me that I should be required to negotiate in order to get what I want.
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to only focus on my side of the working relationship, and within this not consider the possible perspectives of an employer.
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place a value on my services and within this not see that I also am valuing me in money.
I commit myself to the goal of being aware of 100% of my breaths during the day, and within this I commit myself to stop falling-back into the mind when it come to participating within the system. It's time to begin transferring all responsibilities to me as the physical so as to really begin physically living. I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to participating in ideas that I am better than and thus deserve more than another, but instead see “all” as equal and give unto all the same respect that I would have given to me; in other words, I commit myself to be humble in all regards. I commit myself to writing me out, honestly in detail, my way – it's the only way I currently see.