Day 14: Work

One week ago:

It's not something that I think I really need to write about, but perhaps that's a reason to write about it. So it's been about three months since I’ve really actually worked / earned money, except for a few hours here and there. There's plenty of work out there, but I’d prefer to stay home and focus on my process – studying, writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements... Also, for about the last three weeks, my ankle has been very swollen and it's been quite painful to walk. The bottom line is that I’m just going to work / make money when a job that I like comes to me, or when I go out and really search for work when/if I feel as though the money “safety net” is getting too small. The point I’m seeing, and thus writing about is my point of feeling guilty for not working. (From this point, I focused for two days on writing about the economy.)

Today

Yesterday, I went to a job interview, did a teaching demonstration and got the job. Just about 12 hours per week and that's just what I was looking for. It's teaching elementary school kids in an after school cram school. What's interesting is that the day I went to the job interview (yesterday), the swelling and pain in my ankle went down substantially. Then today, it went up substantially more than it was the day before yesterday. Anyway, I start working next week, and I’m cool with that. I get away from the computer for a few days a week, and get to have fun with different groups of kids while they learn English and probably also have fun.

Regarding the 'getting the job'

I noticed that whenever I need to do anything pertaining to surviving / working in / with the system, I have a tendency to just go straight back into the mind; it's what I know. So yesterday was cool because I saw going to the interview, doing the demo, and talking to the boss as means of testing my standing/breathing. There was one point in the interview that I noticed the lower left side of my mouth started shaking a little. I wasn't nervous, but apparently a part of me wasn't stable, so I breathed through that and it went away. Also, earlier in the interview there was a point where we were talking about my Chinese ability, and one of the bosses said something like, “but we cannot speak Chinese in the classroom.” That's a point where in the past I may given them a lecture on different methodologies of teaching, etc., but this time I just stared her in her eyes and didn't react at all. Overall, I see progress – especially in regards to that which I'm not currently posting.

• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within guilt for not currently working. I see it wasn't so much about me not working, as it was about believing that my wife worries when I'm not working. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my wife worries when I don't work, blame myself for her worrying, and then react with the experience of guilt. I see/realize and understand that I am 100% responsible my reactions, and as such it is up to me to stop them – at the source, which in this case was the acceptance and allowance of a belief.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of mind when it comes to tasks pertaining to money, work, legalities... I see, realize and understand that I as the physical is more than capable of carrying out such tasks, with added benefit of not participating in reactions, and that I require simply discipline myself to breathe and walk, talk, work, etc., without the mind, so that it becomes me.
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to classify situations – work, play, etc., and within this, attempt to conform me to the situations, instead of simply remaining stable, directing me in breath so as to not be reacting and and changing me.

I commit myself continue to watch for and recognize when I am participating reactions such as guilt, blame, judgments, etc., find the starting point of these reactions, apply self forgiveness, and not allow myself to be moved by such reactions. I also commit myself to continuing observing when it is that I’m going into the mind, and continue to reduce the amount of incidences of me going there.