Some corrections to my definition of Honor

For some time now, I’ve been working on explaining how and why we human beings came to be equipped with an AI that eventually became conscious, I think therefore I am and all that sort of stuff, where we’re heading as a race and how we might better ensure that the path we’re on is a path that really is best for all… Stuff like that.

Needless to say it’s a challenging task; however, what really gets me isn’t the isn’t a lack of relevant information, but the absence of language specific knowledge and/or skills with which to write it out the solutions into balanced equations of word. In other words, while I usually have my ideas on what I intend to write, actually writing it out in a balanced equation of words (aligned to my intentions) is difficult for me.

It’s as though I’m attempting to write that which I know, but have yet to walk, which is perhaps why I often find points very difficult to write out. The knowing within me says, I got this, it needs to be done and I can do it… And then as I begin typing out the words and I begin to notice the duplicity and deception in the words I’m writing (no matter how much I focus on balancing the equations), I still end up seeing once again the necessity of redefining words to a specificity that leaves no room for interpretations other than that which is completely aligned with the substance I intended to communicate. Which means that, instead of discussing AI today, I think I’ll just continue with the word, honor. LOL

In some of my previous posts, I had written about what honor signified to me and how I was in the process of redefining this word to a non polarized living word to use as part of the process of changing myself to stand in all ways as is best for all.  So I designed a method wherein I would intertwine the image of myself with that of my perception of others as a means of reminding myself to relate or do unto them as I would have others do unto me. For example, whereas in the past, I would simply imagine how I was best able to stand in relation to other people based on my judgments of their situations, I began experimenting with projecting my self-image onto them (or at least some of the ones that I focused on) to include the image of myself within and as my perception of them, in a sense, imagining myself standing equally as one with them in their shoes in the hopes of having a reminder as well as some incentive to stand honorably in relation to them.

Honestly, I really thought I had this point down because it seemed so easy. In imagining an image of myself and intertwining it with my perception of another, it just felt natural to treat that person with extra kindness, and there was zero resistance from my mind. In hindsight, that should have been a flag point right there because, during my personal process, I don’t think I’ve ever walked through to a point of real change without having to walk through resistance from my mind consciousness system. I guess the reason it seemed so easy without resistance was because, in projecting my image onto another for the purpose of doing unto another as I would have another do unto me, I was basically still catering to the self-interest of my ego.  So, back to the drawing or design board.

Whereas some words are easier for me, the word, honor has been quite agonizing for me. I guess this is because it’s been such a prominent point for me, misdefined unfortunately, and this is what I’m here to change.

Here is my new definition of honor and honorable, which I also write practical examples for and test it out. 

●     Honor: The  value of life that I live as a matter of respect in relation to all points of life (of which I am aware) by recognizing each point as a unique  perspective of life and respecting it specifically for its uniqueness, by standing  in relation to all perspectives equally as I care to have all perspectives stand in relation to my perspective.

●     Honorable: the ability to live the value of life as a matter of respect in relation to all points of life (of which one is aware) by recognizing each point as a unique  perspective of life and respecting it specifically for that uniqueness by standing  in relation to all perspectives equally as one cares to have all perspectives stand in relation to its perspective.

Redefining Honor and Respect

I’m still working on redefining the words honor, respect and integrity. They seem to all be connected; for every time I modify the definition of one, I find myself having to modify the others. Recently, I utilized several hours working with these words, playing with them, almost like experimenting with the contents of an equation in search of creating balance or equilibrium. It’s like I’m looking for the perfect formula or combinations of words to ensure that my sentences will (for lack of a better phrase) stand the test of time - rather than further sentencing me to it. I do have better phrases with words such as equality, oneness and what is best for all, which I enjoy using because they’re balanced eternally in one direction. However, without actually grounding the definitions with practical examples of ways that I’m able to apply these words (without having to think about it as I’m moving moment to moment), I’ve found it to be more difficult to  use them when attempting to overwrite or override the old programming. Thus, I’m including them in this post in order to (I guess you could say) mark this point as the point in my process wherein I’ve actually come to realize the importance of including practical examples with the words that I redefine - in addition to the practical examples I include in my commitment statements. Still a work in progress, this is what I have so far for the words honor and respect:

Honorable:

●      The ability of each one of us (as unique location-points or awarenesses of the whole) to stand as a point of respect for all life (in all forms) as best we are able by standing as we would care to have all stand in relation to our unique location points. For example:

●      At work: instead of looking out for threats and assessing risks and opportunities in relation to others, I am able to live the word honor by bringing all respective points of perception back to myself for self-introspection and self-correction, firstly by identifying and letting go of all judgment (brushing it aside and dropping it from myself) to then expand my awareness of others within my environment by including the image of myself (as though I were looking through their eyes at myself talking to them) to then determine how best I am able to live honorably by relating to them as I would relate if I  really were standing with them in their shoes.

●      In going shopping and getting things done outside: as I am moving through reality, passing by and/or interacting with people, animals and even inanimate objects (of different location points of awareness), instead of accepting and allowing myself to stand individually as a point of perceived separation projecting my self-definitions onto them, I am able to live the word honor by bringing all respective points of perception back to myself for self-introspection and self-correction by identifying and letting go of all judgments to then expand my awareness or consideration to various points of my environment as best I am able by including  the image of myself standing equally as one with my perceptions of them as points of my environment (as though I am also standing equally as one with them - in their shoes) to essentially facilitate the process of deciding how best to stand as the word honor by honoring all points of life as though I would honor myself.

Respect:

●      The process of self-honestly bringing all points of perception back to myself (from the within to the without) to reinspect myself (as a point of self-respect) by checking for  definitions that do not support me to stand as best I am able in relation to all, from which point I am then able to let go of such definitions and live (redefined) words in support of all by standing in relation to all as I would have all stand in relation to me. For example:

What’s new here for me is the way I’m now experimenting essentially with standing in the shoes of another. For example, whereas in the past, I would simply imagine how I was best able to stand in relation to other people based on my judgments of their situations, I’m now experimenting with projecting my self-image onto them (or at least some of the ones that I focus on) to include the image of myself within and as my perception of them to in a sense imagine myself standing equally as one with them in their shoes.

Continuing with the word, Honor

The Future of Consciousness

Honor, when I look at this word, honor, the words arm (as a verb), armor, shield and coat of arms come up. While I do have an idea why these words come up and I want to write this out, I’m also somewhat resistant to write it. It’s almost as though in writing this out, the mystique that I’ve attached to this point and defined myself by for so long could all disappear, leaving me with… Not yet a clean slate, but another step taken in the direction of undefining myself. So I now see how I had misused and abused the word, honor, and as a knowing I get it or at least I think I get it. However, I’m  still going to write this out, just to kind of like get it out of me. Besides, everything else that I started writing this week turned out to be but pages of words winding round as though I were coming to a conclusion, only to find myself in the same old infinity trap - right is wrong, good is bad, you are me and everything is actually ONE AND THE SAME - which I’m pretty sure is actually the case with existence, except for the file number, coordinates or signature of each one’s location-point/awareness/perspective or viewpoint. That’s why there’s never been and never will be any escape from here: you can never escape what you are,  leaving all with no choice but to change who/how we are.

A long long time ago, I guess about 46-47 years ago when I was about 8, 9 or 10, I remember walking on the road near my home in a small town called Chester New Jersey. I was angry (in a spoiled bratty way) that I would be disrespected and mistreated to such an extent as to be placed in such a poor (financially speaking) family, that was also kind of broken. With a mother who had five other children besides me to look after and certainly didn’t feel the need to cater to my every whim, I felt not only very out of place, but also very vulnerable, exposed, trapped and alone. In looking at myself, my mother, my brothers and sisters, it was as though a mistake had been made. For I could see of our stature (for lack of a better word) that we  just did not fit into the lower class theme that we were in. Honestly, even back then, I really just wanted a normal life, to feel safe and secure and (in looking back) I guess I could also say, to not have to fight for everything.

It’s strange because this particular memory of me complaining to the voices in my head also seems to be merged with another prominent memory of me asking how we got here. And I kind of like this story (of  me imagining a big blue blob that decided to separate into a gazillion pieces, go fourth in the search for more and eventually return) because many years later I would connect  that blue blob with additional dots of information to build upon in my search for answers. Actually, I still do quite enjoy gathering information,  discarding  the non-essential bits (perhaps those which don’t fit my story line - lol) and storing it in an effort to piece together bit by bit the story of our existence. However, I’ve also begun to realize that the real challenge or real story is not going to be written based on finding answers out there, but in creating them within and as ourselves, as “all” that is here by changing ourselves to change what is here. As a side note,  Eqafe.com is an awesome place to go for perspectives on questions from The Secret History of the Universe to Demons in the Afterlife for  those who want answers and the tools to find or create them.

So in continuing looking inwords into myself, I really felt that I was far far too high of a being, spirit or soul (whatever it was I called myself back then) to have been placed in such a lowly situation. It was beneath me, dishonoring and downright insulting as far as I was concerned, even as a child. Which, as an adult, begs the question, how and why would I even come up with such notions?

The next point that comes up in relation to this point of honor is of certain recurring dreams that I used to have as a child. Perhaps I also viewed certain dreams back then as though they were memories; I think I  did, for I still do to an extent. The essence of these dreams (as with most of my dreams back then) were violent, very violent. All around me it seemed as though a sea of red clothed bodies were just hacking away at other bodies attempting to avoid being hacked and chopped up by battle axes, blocking the attacks with our shields, thrusting with our swords and just hacking and hacking away. And you couldn’t just hack once, you had to do it again and again and then on to the next. It felt like I had to fight so hard, every once of strength had to be utilized and every move was a struggle just to stay alive. There wasn’t fear, there wasn’t anger, just complete focus on fighting. From these dreams and of course all the other information that I absorbed like a sponge, when I would look at the point of previous lives, I just assumed (and believed that I had always been a soldier and was very good at what I did.

The next point that comes up is the family coat of arms that I grew up with (see below). I found a picture of it on the internet and although the color hues are different than the one that was hanging in the playroom of my childhood home, it’s the same one.  The crane symbolizes vigilancia or vigilance. As the legend or story goes (as per my mom and my memory of the story she once told or wrote about), the cranes on the banks of the Nile river would sound the alarm whenever a Nile crocodile was approaching, hence the symbolism of vigilance I guess. The stone it appears to be holding is also symbolic; however, I don’t seem to have a memory for that one yet.  The reason I say “yet” is because I’m fairly certain I could probably pull one up, make one up or imagine something that sounds reasonable, lol, really.  In the absence of truth as an understanding of the standard by which to measure one’s understanding of everything else, is there really any certainty or understanding of anything at all? 

The castle walls behind the crane refer to the castle of Carini, Sciliy and it’s still there. The thing is (and I’m not sure whether this was before, during or after my mother’s many words on the subject of my father’s family history) I also had quite a few dreams involving a castle or what seemed to be a big house or fortress made of big rocks. Some of those dreams had to do with treachery, betrayal and an unforgiving code of honor, which until several years ago, as part of my personal process, I had not forgiven myself for and even lived in fear of reliving that horror - that I had experienced in my dream, which I believed was possibly a memory. All because of what; the sins of the fathers (as a form of DNA based memories), my mother’s stories of my father’s lineage, the heaven existence fucking with me, or has it all just been of my imagination?  

The red cloak is of course it’s a reference to Roman patronage. As the story goes, as I’ve interpreted it, the family were very good fighters, distinguishing themselves to such an extent that they were given a castle and princedom for their service to Rome. Furthermore, when I look into that red helmet and the emblem surrounding it, it’s as though another line of imagination (also connected to dreams and other information as dots of information) begins to emerge going back beyond the current human timeline to a time when creatures (human-like but not like we are now) also roamed the earth. Btw, in one of my dreams, I remember going down the stone stairs into the basement (or whatever it’s called) of a castle and hiding a ring and some other stuff behind one of the stones in the wall.

As a child, I didn’t just have dreams of fighting in Roman wars, I also had dreams time and time again of nuclear holocaust, devastation the likes that Hollywood wasn’t even able to depict back in those days. I guess I could have read about that kind of stuff in books, but I don’t think that’s where the information came from because if it was, I would have location points (of origin) connecting to those dots or information.

There’s no way (that I’m aware of) to really be certain what of the past ever actually manifested in physical reality, what was of pure energy and was perhaps a mix of substance and energy intertwined or interwoven to give us what we call physicality. I’m not even certain exactly why I’m writing this out now. I guess it’s to better understand or comprehend how and why I came to define honor as the armor or coat of arms that I had to protect in return for the protection I believed it afforded me - something like that.

So an interesting thing just happened, especially given all this talk about dreams. I took a break for about an hour and a half to have my regular afternoon nap. Yea, these days, I usually have a nap in the afternoon for about 40 minutes to 1 ½ hours. And just before waking, I found myself in my childhood home talking with my older brother Jim, my older sister Trish and my younger brother Paul. Then suddenly I said to them: something’s not right here, mom sold this house a long time ago and she’s no longer with us, gone to the other side, crossed over, so this can’t be real. Then I started explaining, this can’t be the physical reality, it must be a dream. And just as I was saying that sentence, I looked for one of my brothers and he was gone. Oh c'mon, I said. For even as I was calling out the dream for being a dream, a part of me still viewed it as reality and wanted it to be so. The others also disappeared and then I woke up.

In writing this out, it's not about the definitions of myself being right or wrong, but about writing them all out of myself in order to decide what to keep, what to discard and what to redefine. I’ll finish up this post here and most likely continue on the subject in another posts.

Removing the Armor from my definition of Honor

For quite some time now, I’ve been investigating my relation to the words criticism and accuse. In looking back at my memories of instances  when I felt I was being blamed, criticized, accused or singled out in ways that I thought might negatively impact  other people’s perceptions of me, I noticed in such cases that I would almost always feel as though I were being threatened or attacked.

To dare to even question me in relation to a misdeed or insinuate that I was the perpetrator or complicit in it was a big deal for me. Anything that I felt “made me” less than how I identified myself and wanted others to identify me as, left me with no choice (or so I thought) but to defend myself in any way I could, which for me, usually meant counterattacking. Although as a very young child, I didn’t yet have the vocabulary to name this word, I now see that even back then, it was always about honor for me. I hated having my honor questioned, but the worst thing, as I recall was when someone called me an idiot or said I was stupid. Honor, as I perceived it was all I had, it was how I identified myself, it was something I had to protect, it was something worth dying for and as I recall, it was the way I imagined myself dying - with honor in front of a firing squad to be precise.

One time in returning home from high school for summer break from the military boarding school, the one place I seemed to naturally excel at, my best friend told me that one of my neighbors had accused me of hammering holes in his rowboat. Even though I knew I hadn’t done it and that there wouldn’t be anyone coming for me, there was no way I was going to leave such an accusation uncontested and un retracted while I was still breathing. Determined to have this man retract his accusation, I went with my friend to speak to him face to face. To my chagrin and my surprise, he looked me in the eyes and said, “I know it was you because I saw you running away that night.” Even though I knew he was wrong, I also knew he wasn’t lying (about what he thought he saw) and therefore instead of begrudging him or feeling threatened by him, I respected him for his honorable stand. But that didn’t change the fact that I still had to clear my name as a matter of honor. So I charged that point predominantly in the right side of my conscious mind with instructions to reopen and investigate this point every time I returned to that town and never let it go until I cleared my name.

 Sometimes, I bemoan my lack of conscious access to memories of past lives, but deep down inside I’m grateful not to have that weight to bear. Yet even without the memories of the past, the “who I am” undercurrents of the present tell the story of how we’ve been and still are, forever cursing us to exist as the past until each one of us stop and change who we are in the present, as the present opportunity to no longer exist as the past and finally begin anew.

Although it took a few years, I finally did track down the culprit who had hammered holes in the neighbor’s boat. I returned to the neighbor’s son this time (I guess because the father was sick or had died) with a name and the name of a supporting witness to clear my name. Nevertheless, I still couldn’t get a retraction, not even an apology for accusing me; and this point, the end of the cycle in the design of the “Who am I” undercurrent, as the polarized word, accused within and as a mind consciousness system  only served to reinforce the definition of myself as that polarized word.

Another word that I used to react to in the same way, as though I were being threatened and/or attacked is the word, criticized. For example, any time someone questioned me about the work I did or a decision I made (especially in the work environment), I would react internally as though my job and livelihood were being threatened. Of course I had become good over the years at overriding my internal reactions to relax my facial muscles, moderate my words as well as the tonality of my words, but underneath the poker face, I used to really feel threatened, even for little things such as comments or simple questions about my handling of something.

So, after investigating these words (accused, accusation, criticism and criticized) for quite some time now, writing out prominent memories, doing mind constructs based on those memories, writing self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, redefining criticism (to a non-polarized supportive definition, essentially a living word), I finally noticed or pinpointed the root or even the seed called honor.

Honestly, I would like to close this out right now with a clear, concise and happy ending; however, as I just recently realized where this has all been stemming from, I think it’s probably best for me finish walking these words while also focusing on the word, honor.

It's a work in progress, as I am, as I guess we all are; so here are some examples of the self-forgiveness that I’m writing (in relation to the words accused and criticized) with the added intention of changing myself as the word, honor - which I now realize I definitely require to redefine.

Polarized word: accused

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word accused within and as a fear of being dishonored or disarmed and left vulnerable to attack (as a result of being accused) rather than as a point of opportunity to see/hear the perspectives of others and check my standing by considering their perspectives and why I would be the target of their blame, herein practicing physical stability and self-introspection by standing unconditionally, without armor, humbly in the face of blame, accusations and/or praise to see/hear the perspectives of others in order to consider them as well as myself so as to determine how best to stand in relation to them/all.

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define accusations or blame targeted at me as though they were attacks against me (capable of diminishing my standing, who I am and the identity I project) rather than the perspectives of others for me to unconditionally consider in order to determine how to better stand in relation to everyone.

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who/how I am as an identity based on and created by the words of others used in relation to me as I perceived them to mean, rather than the sum total of the words that I have defined or redefined and lived into and as a sound standing. Herein, I now see that who/how I am is simply the accumulation of words that I lived.

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being accused and/or blamed, as an assault against me intended to disarm me (for the purpose of defeating me) rather than a sharing of perspectives by another/others of their standing in view of me for me to see, hear and consider in order to determine how best to stand in relation to them.

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and charge the word accused from a starting point of fear within and as the image of me being made defenseless or vulnerable (without my armor of honor) by the accusations of another/others, rather than simply a display or an announcement of the perspectives of others in relation to me offering me an opportunity to see/hear unconditionally their perspectives for the purpose of checking to see if I am standing as best I am able and then making corrections as necessary.

Desire: not to be accused, to have and maintain an honorable reputation

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being singled out and/or accused for the dishonorable secretive points/nature within and as myself, thereby protecting and maintaining my the dishonorable definitions within and as myself by keeping them hidden rather than facing them and changing them as myself by using the blame and/or accusations of others to assist me to identify (via my reactions) my weaknesses (that which I keep secret) so as to change myself as those points - from that which hide behind the armor of my honor to that which stand as and is displayed honestly for all to see.

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be perceived as being honorable and justified for harming or attempting to harm others in retribution for the fear that I experienced and blamed others for rather than take complete responsibility for myself and everything else by letting down my armor of honor, exposing my fears humbly as weak points that I am now in the process of redefining to live in support of myself and all.

●     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself always to take complete responsibility for myself by letting go of all desire to be without fear and replacing it with physical standing/living of self-trust that I create within and as myself each moment that I physically move myself as breath (instead of mind/energy) from the within to the without as the starting point intention to unconditionally see/hear, consider and stand in relation to others as I would have all stand in relation to me.