What am I Waiting for and Who am I ?

What am I waiting for, who am I and why do I sit here ready to type, typing as though there is nothing to say? Well, for starters, I really don’t like to use the word, “well” and I don’t understand how and why other people don’t see it, see the words of consciousness in our faces, belittling us. “I know” is another phrase I abhore. See, it’s like I can’t write even two sentences without stating basically that I’m a robot, I’m a brainwashed robot. So I breathe. Lot’s of laughs, robot laughs. At least their not zombie laughs. And no, today I’ll not attempt to explain the meaning (and there’s another one of those words) of my sentences above. It’s a kind of a craziness, like a fine line between two points. By the way, “kind of” is a phrase that I now enjoy using, especially once I let go of the implied separation by which I had defined myself within and as the definition of being of this species of that… OK, perhaps, I’ll just let go of my assessments or of words for a while in order to get a handle on what it is I am waiting for, who am I and why do I sit here ready to type, typing as though I have nothing to say?

It’s like I’m waiting for a sign, something from the news or my view of the world system and/or humanity. I feel sometimes as though I’ve said all I care to say and that’s a problem I know. Why? Because I also realize that there’s so much more that we need to say and do. Yet, here I stand and sometimes crawl like I’m in waiting for a big earthquake to come or an EMP blast to shut down parts of the world system for a while. This isn’t what I want, but it is, along with other possibilities what it is perhaps that I’m waiting for. Perhaps a part of me still longs for chaos the unexamined or ununderstood order of it. It does feel good, like a relief to just let go of my judgments as assessments of the symbols and the sounds of words for a moment.

It’s week 18 for my favorite university here in Taiwan and this means I’ve almost achieved another record for this lifetime around. Three years, I’ve stayed at this job and overall, I still like it. In fact (not literally of course), I’m even planning on remaining here for at least another two years. That being said, I am flexible and quite capable of going anywhere and adapting to any situation. What am I waiting for? I’m still harboring a belief within and as me that my mission has to do with what’s out there. Yet, more and more, I begin to see that my mission really is me, and that, what I perceive to be “out there” is but a reflection of what’s in here as me.

It’s been raining for days and days, pouring down rain. I got into my old car the other day and the wells under the seats were filled with rainwater. In addition to that, a colony of ants had taken up residence in my sideview mirror during the weeks wherein my car had been sitting close to the jungle vegetation of the city that used to be a farming community before the university came in. I apologized to the ants before I disrupted their new habitat. It made me think or at least face the fact that even though I like to think of myself as being in touch and kind to nature, I can be just as destructive as the rest of humankind.

What am I waiting for? The truth as it applies to my thinking (like an oxymoron, huh?) is that I just don’t know what to do. Or perhaps I do know what to do, but I just don’t want to do it or am afraid to. I am certain that we are able to change the world by changing ourselves from the within to the without or the without to the within. However, I have reached a point I guess, wherein I’m not sure what to write or to be more precise, what is right. I guess it’s like new territory. I mean, in the past, I knew what I had to write about but was too frightened to let go of my secrets by putting them out. Then, slowly but surely as I let those secrets out I began to see that the problem wasn’t the information of the secrets themselves but the energy associated with the secrets within which I had helled myself.

Hells bells! I say to all of those suffering in our self-created hells of our secret holds, let go of the secrets. At least write them out so to release ourselves from our self-created secret hells. What am I waiting for? Hell, I may as well practice what I preach by letting go of another secret. Sometimes I feel like a zombie waiting instructions or a sign to tell me what to do, something like a program to get me back online. Alas, I know that the program is ended and it's not coming back, at least not if I have a say in it and I am certain I do.

The challenge for me now and perhaps for eternity is to challenge myself to lead myself into the darkness, not to find the light, but to create myself anew and better than I was before. Herein, my definition of perfection is not about not-making mistakes, but about recognizing the mistakes that I’ve made and taking responsibility for them by forgiving myself and righting my course to correct my mistakes by retaking the steps again and again until I've got it right.

I don’t get everything right the first time. I still haven’t changed or even determined who I am in relation to alcohol. I have however restructured myself somewhat more pragmatically. In other words, I generally won’t drink beer on certain days of the week, not yet a rule written in stone, yet I’ve become more aware of how much I drink, counting the beers as I drink them... Yea, I’m still a work in progress on this point.

I’ll finish this part, “what am I waiting for” with a challenge to myself. The reason I’m certain that this is a challenge is because I’ve been hesitant to write about it for fear of committing myself even though I am certain it’s the right thing for me to do, as in being the right step for me to take. The challenge I’ve been considering is to use some podcast or YouTube self-help videos and adapt them into university classroom lessons. Background info: Over the last 2-3 years, I’ve been focusing (in terms of writing academic lessons) on a course called Global Citizenship and Cultural Literacy. I view it as a success in that people do seem to grasp principles such as democracy, equality and human rights. They also seem to comprehend that humanity is lacking when it comes to living such principles.  However,  too many people seem not to care enough and/or do not currently the ability to do anything about it. In other words, whereas I am able to introduce and input the definitions of principles into the education system, I am not able to move others to live such principles. Thus, a challenge for me during summer vacation is investigate (as in a doing) adding English subtitles, discussion questions and so on to certain videos, such as those in Self & Living and/or SOUL to adapt them for use in academic situations. Actually, this challenge to input relevant learning into the education system is also part of my mission. Ok, so I’ll specify this challenge in my next post, What am I Waiting for and Who am I - Part II, wherein I will write on the point of Who am I.