The Dream of Being Lost - Part III

In continuing from “Dream of Being Lost - Part 2”, looking deeper into the points of addiction, while including freedom and control into the mix, I am pushing myself to see in my physical living application to what extent I am able to right  or align myself better to what is best for the physical body, what is best for all.

In relation to alcohol consumption, a sticking point within me that has to do with my past unwillingness to give up my freedom or right to choose to walk and live as I please, my feeling or justification had always been, if I’m not hurting anyone else with my doings, why should I not be free to do as I please? However, in reviewing this particular design, I begin to see, realize and understand via my physical body additional issues relating to alcohol consumption that are getting more difficult to deny. Specifically, there is a point of personal expansion that I have been denying myself, as in the possibility of changing to become what I have been unable to perceive in my imagination. I guess this is because real change as in the expansion of self-expression comes about from walking through the mind, outside of the parameters of its design, thereby presenting us with a wall of darkness that must be walked into and through in order to realize and understand -beyond one’s imagination- the possibilities of self expansion. This unknown of that which does not yet exist is an example I guess of a point of opportunity somewhere in the darkness, like a wall that one must walk into and through to realize our potential by creating the new opportunity by living the unknown.

So, here I am again looking at this pattern/addiction of alcohol consumption. All the energy inside of me is screaming that I should argue for my rights, my freedom to choose, that all I need to do is organize the words and I’ll win the argument for sure. However, another part of me says I’ve done that before and it’s the wrong way to go - winning battles to win a war never manifested me as anything better than I was before. I understand this for sure because I’ve been there before, down that road as the saying goes and it leads nowhere. The way to go, as dark as it seems is easy to see, just walk straight into and through the resistance called energy. Perhaps it is like going into freezing cold water wherein the easiest way is sometimes to jump right in. Herein, let’s have a look a freedom within control.

Interestingly, I've always had issues with this point of freedom as opposed to being caged in and controlled. Within me, there has been so much resistance to changing. It’s an insistence that I maintain (and fight for if need be) my freedom to choose how I live. This resistance as it relates to my right to freely enjoy my beer while sitting outside on a sunny day is a point of self-definition located somewhere in between polarities of freedom and control that I’ve created within me and struggled with for some time. It is a stubbornness justified in the name of freedom. From my point of view, I ought to be able to do anything, as long as it’s from the starting-point of self-expression or self expansion that harms none. That being said, here's the physical reality stating that excessive consumption of alcohol or anything else for that matter is harmful to me. Thus, I realize I must design and live some compromises and this is where Jack, Joe and Veno's Freedom Within Control comes in. Thus, I will focus on this point, writing it out until I’ve resolved it. Additionally, I’m going to do something that I rarely do. I’m going to continue posting these writings on the internet. Why? Because I have come to realize that, eliminating the secrecy of a point that I am working on changing is ninety percent (and sometimes more) of the resistance to living the change. In other words, ninety to ninety-nine percent of the resistance to self-change is created and stored within and as the energy of resistance defined as a fear of exposing one’s weakness, which more than not is actually the harboring of the secret itself. Thus, in exposing one’s secrets, one of the biggest aspects of resistance is often eliminated, leaving the being free to focus on designing and living the change. Furthermore, as an addiction is an addiction, whether it be to alcohol, pornagraphy, masterbation, video games, tabbacco, sugar or other drugs, perhaps a description of this part of my process will assist others. That being said, there is much more that I care to say about the technical aspects of my perspective of the addiction energy entity, but at some point I’ve gotta address the self forgiveness, as this is another point of resistance within me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have the right to choose to live my life without considering what is best for the universe of my physical body equally as one with all of me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as “the freedom to choose” within my parameters of my perceptions, rather than the freedom to choose and decide to expand beyond my perceptions of limitations in each moment of expression  wherein I push through the walls of resistance to expand beyond my perception based routines and habits.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening up points of addiction and putting them out on the internet for fear of exposing who I am and how I’ve been “in secret” instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the biggest problem within and as myself and the rest of humanity isn’t necessarily an addiction to this or that, but an addiction to the point of secrecy itself. Herein, I now realize that, real change begins with the unveiling/elimination of my secrets. And with writing out that, much of the energy of resistance within me just dissipated.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that, what I perceive I like is the best I am able to be, better than the unknown or that which I am unable to perceive.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the lie of believing that it’s better to be dishonest and be perceived as living righteously and having integrity, than it is to  live honestly within/as the integrity of standing honestly as who I am without righteousness. From this point, I commit to live honestly as I am in my process of eliminating the dishonesties/secrets, while pushing myself to change for the better with the primary goal of standing as a point of integrity on the path to understanding oneness, equality and what is best for all.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should present a picture of myself as unflawed or with as few flaws as possible, without realizing and understanding that perfection is an ongoing, perhaps eternal process of recognizing, addressing and correcting the flaws and this is the journey that I have chosen and decided to walk.

To be continued in my next post