Over the weekend, on Sunday I had planned to input midterm grades into the school information system. However, as the system was down, I didn’t do that. Then, for a moment I considered writing, but I didn’t because I thought, “I have nothing to write about.” Of course I was wrong on this point. There are always points to write about. Sometimes for me, it’s simply a matter of wandering about with the written word, as I am now, until I come upon something that stands out, pointed out in some cases by the words I’ve written and in other cases by the words I’ve omitted - that which I don’t care to write about.
Today, if I were going to write about such points, the words would paint a picture of a pattern that I’ve been going back into or perhaps have never even left. It has to do with being outside or getting out as opposed to staying inside the house. Once again, I find myself not wanting to go home, not wanting to be inside during too much of the daytime. In looking at what being inside during the daytime, represents to me, there is a picture of me in front of the computer, as though to say, “not again, enough is enough.” There is also the feeling of being locked up, which used to be my greatest fear until I realized that I hold the keys to myself.
To be fair to this perspective or personality, I have spent a lot of time in front of the computer, too much time I reckon. Ah, but look what the word “personality” points out. It’s a program or a pattern that I’ve been living out. Thus, it’s not about whether I’m inside or out, but the polarity by which I’ve defined myself in relation to being inside wasting my life away in front of a computer or outside walking through the city, the mountainsides and sometimes having a beer at the top of the hill or somewhere after a walk.
The polarized definition of being inside as opposed to being outside: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as the polarities of being inside or out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see/realize and understand that, whether I see outside of the house or apartment, I’m still looking to see from the within to the without. It’s only when writing, that I’m looking into me to see the points within me that I place outside of me (in words) see the patterns. Herein I see that, the image/imagination of me being inside in front of a computer represents an obligation to look into me, write the words out to see the points as patterns/programs that I’ve been repeating. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself blame not wanting to be in front of a computer for my not wanting to be inside, instead of seeing/realizing that my not wanting to be inside was not wanting to look into me, defined as an obligation or responsibility. So in picking this up later on, I realized that, as the title implies, I seem to have preferences. For example, when conversations are taking place physically in front of me, I often prefer being on the inside, participating. However, when it comes larger groups of people, I tend to stay more on the outside so as not to feel so complicated, which is strange because I also tend to complicate so many things, even the simplest of them.
What I’ve been doing these day, more and more as part of my personal process of changing myself, is to look at points for the purpose of pinpointing the origin of patterns I’ve been participating in (as far as I’m actually able to deal with them), and then stopping the pattern to change myself physically in real time by stopping the pattern in real time. For example, in the classroom, I realized that I had been giving certain categories of students far more attention than others. Thus, as a point of equality to stand equally in relation to all of my students, I have decided to push myself to equalize my relationships with my students by equalizing the attention I place on them in physical movements in real time. What’s interesting is that, in focusing on my physical movements, I’ve also been cutting down on the mental participation by just saying no to the invitation of mental stimulation. It’s a process of self-change and it is not immediate, but it is working, which brings me back to being outside as opposed to being inside. I Will write more on this next time.